I'm going to try to keep this reasonable in length because there is a lot involved here, and I have a bad tendency to over explain. (EDIT: oh well...)
Got to know a guy earlier this year (ENFP), one state over. Real sweetheart, and deep down I feel like I connect with him in a way that is rare for me. He's got these values, interests and qualities to him on the inside that are truly genuine and relatable to me. Other aspects to him I find endearing, encouraging, and interesting. But he might perhaps be a bit damaged, in that I'm pretty sure he's suffering a quarter life crisis of sorts. Last year he got out of a 7+ year marriage that should have never happened (being that he's actually gay). He's now in a position where he's trying to figure himself out essentially - be a bit more honest from here on out.
We hit it off real strong over the summer. This suddenly turned end of summer, which him reacting very negatively to me mentioning that I value relationships that have long term potential in casual side discussion - in that I don't generally like being with someone if I can't ever see any long term potential. For some reason, this deeply troubled him, to the point of him drinking and feeling sad over the weekend I later learned. He said he felt like we had a nice thing going and I was putting this expectation that we'd be super steady or 100% committed (which wasn't my intention at all).
We semi make up a little as the weeks go on. Never ended up getting the visit I was wanting to do one on one with him over the summer. Then, he invites me over with a bunch of friends for a get together over the weekend. It wasn't one on one, but this went really well. Ended up finding time to make out plenty, sex, the works. A lot of fun, some genuine bonding moments and I really felt like I connected very deeply with him.
The following months are sketchy. I find weeks where he is just impossible to talk to or get a hold of. Really puts me in a funk, making me think that he just doesn't like me - not only lover wise, but as a friend. So I back off messaging. Then I get messages back wondering what I'm up to, why I haven't talked in a while. Then we might hit it off again really well before he's impossible to talk to again.
This is where I learn he was courting a guy in california, very counter culture and doesn't really seem like his type at all (but it isn't in my place to judge). This guy flew over and visited him one on one for a week, and my friend even called off work for the visit (something that was always a problem for me visiting - conflicts with his work). I knew they fooled around, and the experience really hurt me. But I don't blame him for that- it was my fault I got hurt. We weren't official or even steady friends with benefits, but I kind of assumed he was into me. He's planning on flying out to California to visit this guy again over christmas.
Fast forward to the past few weeks. Me and him were going to attend a convention (not together, just happened to both be going). His California fling was going to go but I learned that the fling ended up bailing. My friend starts talking to me very openly again on the weeks leading up to the convention, and it's great. I don't even care about relationship bullshit at this point, I just really care for him as a person, and us being able to talk on that level without letting the past get in the way was great. He really felt that way too, and mentioned how great it was to be talking on this level again. Eventually he was being very flirty on chat, and I kind of bought into it, on a "good friend with benefits" sort of level. We talk about convention plans, things that would be cool to meet up and do, things that would be cool to hang out over. I know at one point he said he was looking forward to making some good moments together.
Convention time. Pretty excited about all the people (not just him) i'd be seeing, but also being able to (finally) genuinely hang out after these past months on a level that I felt was more connected and honest than it has been in a long time. I have no real ambition to spend the whole convention with him or checking off all of our plans, but really was looking forward to being around him at least some on a genuine level. Instead, I found it very hard to get in touch with him at all. Even small things like inviting him up for French Press coffee to hang for a little bit (something he mentioned wanting to do, it's his favorite style of coffee) was just kind of ignored. Invited him out with other friends to a cool restaurant we both had plans to eat at - shot down because apparently he ate lunch there yesterday already. At this point I'm starting to feel really excluded and it begins to bum me out. That night I run into him with some other (mutual) friends of ours to do a drinking game. It was nice, but I felt like he was there mostly by proxy rather than wanting to seriously spend time with me. One of the friends who played with us is a good friend to both of us and flew in with him. I know in hindsight that they ended up spending almost the entire convention together.
The one break I got was him inviting me to see a panel with him. Ended up being a big group, with our mutual friend in attendance of course. It was alright, but I felt like I was a third wheel, kind of like I was invited as an obligation, as he was definitely more interested in talking with our mutual friend than me. Panel ends, I ask about plans tonight, feeling good at potentially being able to actually hang out with him. He says he's off to eat dinner, and will text me to do stuff. Would have been cool to be invited to dinner as well, but hey - whoever he's eating with might not be my crowd. Cool! Except he never does text. And I learned his dinner plans were at the same place he said he didn't want to join me to eat at because he "already ate there", and it ended up being with our mutual friend (among others) who's been with him the whole time.
The last day of the con I'm feel pretty bummed, because I feel like I've been avoided and excluded by someone who I had thought really cared about me, even if only to pop in for the smallest little "hey we haven't met in months, you are my close friend and I want to say hi and hang out for 30 minutes!" things. What really gets to me is when I ask our mutual friend (who made more of an effort to meet up with me even for a little bit than the guy this thread is about) what he's up to. Turns out he and my ENFP friend went downtown to hang out for the day. This stings bad and begins to feel truly personal, because this was something I was really wanting to do (should time permit), and me and my ENFP friend had talked about doing that exact thing.
Anyways. This got a lot longer than I had hoped. I was feeling really bummed at the end up the day. All of my friends came up to hang out with me and cheer me up a little bit (including said mutual friend between me and the ENFP), and it felt really warm. ENFP guy shows up eventually too. Feeling uncomfortable around him at this point considering all that went on, wishing he'd be more willing and open to me as he is to all these other people, as he was in the weeks leading up to the convention. After everyone leaves, he gives me a really close, tight intimate hug. It's the kind of hug that you can tell that he really cares, and does this hug 3 times. Mentions that he's sorry for any bad feelings he might have caused, but "you know how conventions go".
That last part in his apology really rubbed me wrong. It comes off like him taking back the apology he just made, in a way that suggests he doesn't genuinely feel sorry for his actions. And by the time I got home, I was feeling incredibly hurt over the entire experience despite him not wanting bad blood between us.
I just don't know what to do. Considering all that has happened in the past between us, considering his blatant avoidance of me, his lack of concern shown (that all of our mutual friends did have for me), him saying all this stuff leading up to the convention only to fulfil it all in entirety with someone else, all of this sweet talk he had given me over the past few weeks only to give it to someone else, etc... I just feel like I should completely cut him off.
And it scares me because I don't understand why any of this happened. It scares me because despite all of this happening, I know he cares for me, and is deeply troubled at the idea of us being cut off. The guy has exhibited behavior that almost everyone I've ever known does as a "stop talking to me", "we aren't that good of friends", etc measure... but then he turns around and does a warm gesture that is truly genuine, truly coming from the guy on the inside deep down that I connected with all these months ago. Then he gets upset when I don't talk to him for a while due to me feeling pushed away from him. Then he talks to me in a really close way that only close friends could do. As if nothing happened, as if his actions don't matter.
It hurts a lot thinking about cutting him off. And I know it'll hurt him too. I just don't know what to do. Am I over-reacting over this whole convention stuff? I took it pretty personal, but I know I can be a bit over emotional at certain behaviors. He clearly cares a lot about me deep down... even if he can't seem to show it on the surface. I've never met anyone in my life who can be so concerned, interested and connected to you one moment but then turn you off like a lightswitch and treat you like you aren't valuable, like you are disposable the next.
There other context I didn't bother explaining. Deep conversations about personal struggles, me confronting him several times before about similar behaviors done but trying to avoid being a "pressure point" in his life during such a high pressure time for him, etc. I want to help him become that person he truly is deep down. I want to be a good friend to him. Continue talking like we have. But it's so hard when you are so quickly disregarded in a moments notice. When he does stuff that says, "You aren't valuable to me." And yet next thing I know I'm being told that I'm valuable. But I really am not sure if I'm being entirely unreasonable in all this, especially considering the quarter-life-crisis stuff. I frankly don't trust my judgement or my maturity when handling this, and genuinely want to get better at being a better person.
This would be so much easier if he was genuinely being distant and not following it up with any sort of deep appreciation for me. But that isn't the case. I know he cares a lot about me. And I know I upset him deeply this morning when I mentioned that I wanted to talk about our friendship going forward sometime soon. I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable.
Got to know a guy earlier this year (ENFP), one state over. Real sweetheart, and deep down I feel like I connect with him in a way that is rare for me. He's got these values, interests and qualities to him on the inside that are truly genuine and relatable to me. Other aspects to him I find endearing, encouraging, and interesting. But he might perhaps be a bit damaged, in that I'm pretty sure he's suffering a quarter life crisis of sorts. Last year he got out of a 7+ year marriage that should have never happened (being that he's actually gay). He's now in a position where he's trying to figure himself out essentially - be a bit more honest from here on out.
We hit it off real strong over the summer. This suddenly turned end of summer, which him reacting very negatively to me mentioning that I value relationships that have long term potential in casual side discussion - in that I don't generally like being with someone if I can't ever see any long term potential. For some reason, this deeply troubled him, to the point of him drinking and feeling sad over the weekend I later learned. He said he felt like we had a nice thing going and I was putting this expectation that we'd be super steady or 100% committed (which wasn't my intention at all).
We semi make up a little as the weeks go on. Never ended up getting the visit I was wanting to do one on one with him over the summer. Then, he invites me over with a bunch of friends for a get together over the weekend. It wasn't one on one, but this went really well. Ended up finding time to make out plenty, sex, the works. A lot of fun, some genuine bonding moments and I really felt like I connected very deeply with him.
The following months are sketchy. I find weeks where he is just impossible to talk to or get a hold of. Really puts me in a funk, making me think that he just doesn't like me - not only lover wise, but as a friend. So I back off messaging. Then I get messages back wondering what I'm up to, why I haven't talked in a while. Then we might hit it off again really well before he's impossible to talk to again.
This is where I learn he was courting a guy in california, very counter culture and doesn't really seem like his type at all (but it isn't in my place to judge). This guy flew over and visited him one on one for a week, and my friend even called off work for the visit (something that was always a problem for me visiting - conflicts with his work). I knew they fooled around, and the experience really hurt me. But I don't blame him for that- it was my fault I got hurt. We weren't official or even steady friends with benefits, but I kind of assumed he was into me. He's planning on flying out to California to visit this guy again over christmas.
Fast forward to the past few weeks. Me and him were going to attend a convention (not together, just happened to both be going). His California fling was going to go but I learned that the fling ended up bailing. My friend starts talking to me very openly again on the weeks leading up to the convention, and it's great. I don't even care about relationship bullshit at this point, I just really care for him as a person, and us being able to talk on that level without letting the past get in the way was great. He really felt that way too, and mentioned how great it was to be talking on this level again. Eventually he was being very flirty on chat, and I kind of bought into it, on a "good friend with benefits" sort of level. We talk about convention plans, things that would be cool to meet up and do, things that would be cool to hang out over. I know at one point he said he was looking forward to making some good moments together.
Convention time. Pretty excited about all the people (not just him) i'd be seeing, but also being able to (finally) genuinely hang out after these past months on a level that I felt was more connected and honest than it has been in a long time. I have no real ambition to spend the whole convention with him or checking off all of our plans, but really was looking forward to being around him at least some on a genuine level. Instead, I found it very hard to get in touch with him at all. Even small things like inviting him up for French Press coffee to hang for a little bit (something he mentioned wanting to do, it's his favorite style of coffee) was just kind of ignored. Invited him out with other friends to a cool restaurant we both had plans to eat at - shot down because apparently he ate lunch there yesterday already. At this point I'm starting to feel really excluded and it begins to bum me out. That night I run into him with some other (mutual) friends of ours to do a drinking game. It was nice, but I felt like he was there mostly by proxy rather than wanting to seriously spend time with me. One of the friends who played with us is a good friend to both of us and flew in with him. I know in hindsight that they ended up spending almost the entire convention together.
The one break I got was him inviting me to see a panel with him. Ended up being a big group, with our mutual friend in attendance of course. It was alright, but I felt like I was a third wheel, kind of like I was invited as an obligation, as he was definitely more interested in talking with our mutual friend than me. Panel ends, I ask about plans tonight, feeling good at potentially being able to actually hang out with him. He says he's off to eat dinner, and will text me to do stuff. Would have been cool to be invited to dinner as well, but hey - whoever he's eating with might not be my crowd. Cool! Except he never does text. And I learned his dinner plans were at the same place he said he didn't want to join me to eat at because he "already ate there", and it ended up being with our mutual friend (among others) who's been with him the whole time.
The last day of the con I'm feel pretty bummed, because I feel like I've been avoided and excluded by someone who I had thought really cared about me, even if only to pop in for the smallest little "hey we haven't met in months, you are my close friend and I want to say hi and hang out for 30 minutes!" things. What really gets to me is when I ask our mutual friend (who made more of an effort to meet up with me even for a little bit than the guy this thread is about) what he's up to. Turns out he and my ENFP friend went downtown to hang out for the day. This stings bad and begins to feel truly personal, because this was something I was really wanting to do (should time permit), and me and my ENFP friend had talked about doing that exact thing.
Anyways. This got a lot longer than I had hoped. I was feeling really bummed at the end up the day. All of my friends came up to hang out with me and cheer me up a little bit (including said mutual friend between me and the ENFP), and it felt really warm. ENFP guy shows up eventually too. Feeling uncomfortable around him at this point considering all that went on, wishing he'd be more willing and open to me as he is to all these other people, as he was in the weeks leading up to the convention. After everyone leaves, he gives me a really close, tight intimate hug. It's the kind of hug that you can tell that he really cares, and does this hug 3 times. Mentions that he's sorry for any bad feelings he might have caused, but "you know how conventions go".
That last part in his apology really rubbed me wrong. It comes off like him taking back the apology he just made, in a way that suggests he doesn't genuinely feel sorry for his actions. And by the time I got home, I was feeling incredibly hurt over the entire experience despite him not wanting bad blood between us.
I just don't know what to do. Considering all that has happened in the past between us, considering his blatant avoidance of me, his lack of concern shown (that all of our mutual friends did have for me), him saying all this stuff leading up to the convention only to fulfil it all in entirety with someone else, all of this sweet talk he had given me over the past few weeks only to give it to someone else, etc... I just feel like I should completely cut him off.
And it scares me because I don't understand why any of this happened. It scares me because despite all of this happening, I know he cares for me, and is deeply troubled at the idea of us being cut off. The guy has exhibited behavior that almost everyone I've ever known does as a "stop talking to me", "we aren't that good of friends", etc measure... but then he turns around and does a warm gesture that is truly genuine, truly coming from the guy on the inside deep down that I connected with all these months ago. Then he gets upset when I don't talk to him for a while due to me feeling pushed away from him. Then he talks to me in a really close way that only close friends could do. As if nothing happened, as if his actions don't matter.
It hurts a lot thinking about cutting him off. And I know it'll hurt him too. I just don't know what to do. Am I over-reacting over this whole convention stuff? I took it pretty personal, but I know I can be a bit over emotional at certain behaviors. He clearly cares a lot about me deep down... even if he can't seem to show it on the surface. I've never met anyone in my life who can be so concerned, interested and connected to you one moment but then turn you off like a lightswitch and treat you like you aren't valuable, like you are disposable the next.
There other context I didn't bother explaining. Deep conversations about personal struggles, me confronting him several times before about similar behaviors done but trying to avoid being a "pressure point" in his life during such a high pressure time for him, etc. I want to help him become that person he truly is deep down. I want to be a good friend to him. Continue talking like we have. But it's so hard when you are so quickly disregarded in a moments notice. When he does stuff that says, "You aren't valuable to me." And yet next thing I know I'm being told that I'm valuable. But I really am not sure if I'm being entirely unreasonable in all this, especially considering the quarter-life-crisis stuff. I frankly don't trust my judgement or my maturity when handling this, and genuinely want to get better at being a better person.
This would be so much easier if he was genuinely being distant and not following it up with any sort of deep appreciation for me. But that isn't the case. I know he cares a lot about me. And I know I upset him deeply this morning when I mentioned that I wanted to talk about our friendship going forward sometime soon. I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable.
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