[INFJ] Should I cut someone out of my life? Really don't know what to do.

[KorJax]

I'm going to try to keep this reasonable in length because there is a lot involved here, and I have a bad tendency to over explain. (EDIT: oh well...)

Got to know a guy earlier this year (ENFP), one state over. Real sweetheart, and deep down I feel like I connect with him in a way that is rare for me. He's got these values, interests and qualities to him on the inside that are truly genuine and relatable to me. Other aspects to him I find endearing, encouraging, and interesting. But he might perhaps be a bit damaged, in that I'm pretty sure he's suffering a quarter life crisis of sorts. Last year he got out of a 7+ year marriage that should have never happened (being that he's actually gay). He's now in a position where he's trying to figure himself out essentially - be a bit more honest from here on out.

We hit it off real strong over the summer. This suddenly turned end of summer, which him reacting very negatively to me mentioning that I value relationships that have long term potential in casual side discussion - in that I don't generally like being with someone if I can't ever see any long term potential. For some reason, this deeply troubled him, to the point of him drinking and feeling sad over the weekend I later learned. He said he felt like we had a nice thing going and I was putting this expectation that we'd be super steady or 100% committed (which wasn't my intention at all).

We semi make up a little as the weeks go on. Never ended up getting the visit I was wanting to do one on one with him over the summer. Then, he invites me over with a bunch of friends for a get together over the weekend. It wasn't one on one, but this went really well. Ended up finding time to make out plenty, sex, the works. A lot of fun, some genuine bonding moments and I really felt like I connected very deeply with him.

The following months are sketchy. I find weeks where he is just impossible to talk to or get a hold of. Really puts me in a funk, making me think that he just doesn't like me - not only lover wise, but as a friend. So I back off messaging. Then I get messages back wondering what I'm up to, why I haven't talked in a while. Then we might hit it off again really well before he's impossible to talk to again.

This is where I learn he was courting a guy in california, very counter culture and doesn't really seem like his type at all (but it isn't in my place to judge). This guy flew over and visited him one on one for a week, and my friend even called off work for the visit (something that was always a problem for me visiting - conflicts with his work). I knew they fooled around, and the experience really hurt me. But I don't blame him for that- it was my fault I got hurt. We weren't official or even steady friends with benefits, but I kind of assumed he was into me. He's planning on flying out to California to visit this guy again over christmas.

Fast forward to the past few weeks. Me and him were going to attend a convention (not together, just happened to both be going). His California fling was going to go but I learned that the fling ended up bailing. My friend starts talking to me very openly again on the weeks leading up to the convention, and it's great. I don't even care about relationship bullshit at this point, I just really care for him as a person, and us being able to talk on that level without letting the past get in the way was great. He really felt that way too, and mentioned how great it was to be talking on this level again. Eventually he was being very flirty on chat, and I kind of bought into it, on a "good friend with benefits" sort of level. We talk about convention plans, things that would be cool to meet up and do, things that would be cool to hang out over. I know at one point he said he was looking forward to making some good moments together.

Convention time. Pretty excited about all the people (not just him) i'd be seeing, but also being able to (finally) genuinely hang out after these past months on a level that I felt was more connected and honest than it has been in a long time. I have no real ambition to spend the whole convention with him or checking off all of our plans, but really was looking forward to being around him at least some on a genuine level. Instead, I found it very hard to get in touch with him at all. Even small things like inviting him up for French Press coffee to hang for a little bit (something he mentioned wanting to do, it's his favorite style of coffee) was just kind of ignored. Invited him out with other friends to a cool restaurant we both had plans to eat at - shot down because apparently he ate lunch there yesterday already. At this point I'm starting to feel really excluded and it begins to bum me out. That night I run into him with some other (mutual) friends of ours to do a drinking game. It was nice, but I felt like he was there mostly by proxy rather than wanting to seriously spend time with me. One of the friends who played with us is a good friend to both of us and flew in with him. I know in hindsight that they ended up spending almost the entire convention together.

The one break I got was him inviting me to see a panel with him. Ended up being a big group, with our mutual friend in attendance of course. It was alright, but I felt like I was a third wheel, kind of like I was invited as an obligation, as he was definitely more interested in talking with our mutual friend than me. Panel ends, I ask about plans tonight, feeling good at potentially being able to actually hang out with him. He says he's off to eat dinner, and will text me to do stuff. Would have been cool to be invited to dinner as well, but hey - whoever he's eating with might not be my crowd. Cool! Except he never does text. And I learned his dinner plans were at the same place he said he didn't want to join me to eat at because he "already ate there", and it ended up being with our mutual friend (among others) who's been with him the whole time.

The last day of the con I'm feel pretty bummed, because I feel like I've been avoided and excluded by someone who I had thought really cared about me, even if only to pop in for the smallest little "hey we haven't met in months, you are my close friend and I want to say hi and hang out for 30 minutes!" things. What really gets to me is when I ask our mutual friend (who made more of an effort to meet up with me even for a little bit than the guy this thread is about) what he's up to. Turns out he and my ENFP friend went downtown to hang out for the day. This stings bad and begins to feel truly personal, because this was something I was really wanting to do (should time permit), and me and my ENFP friend had talked about doing that exact thing.

Anyways. This got a lot longer than I had hoped. I was feeling really bummed at the end up the day. All of my friends came up to hang out with me and cheer me up a little bit (including said mutual friend between me and the ENFP), and it felt really warm. ENFP guy shows up eventually too. Feeling uncomfortable around him at this point considering all that went on, wishing he'd be more willing and open to me as he is to all these other people, as he was in the weeks leading up to the convention. After everyone leaves, he gives me a really close, tight intimate hug. It's the kind of hug that you can tell that he really cares, and does this hug 3 times. Mentions that he's sorry for any bad feelings he might have caused, but "you know how conventions go".

That last part in his apology really rubbed me wrong. It comes off like him taking back the apology he just made, in a way that suggests he doesn't genuinely feel sorry for his actions. And by the time I got home, I was feeling incredibly hurt over the entire experience despite him not wanting bad blood between us.

I just don't know what to do. Considering all that has happened in the past between us, considering his blatant avoidance of me, his lack of concern shown (that all of our mutual friends did have for me), him saying all this stuff leading up to the convention only to fulfil it all in entirety with someone else, all of this sweet talk he had given me over the past few weeks only to give it to someone else, etc... I just feel like I should completely cut him off.

And it scares me because I don't understand why any of this happened. It scares me because despite all of this happening, I know he cares for me, and is deeply troubled at the idea of us being cut off. The guy has exhibited behavior that almost everyone I've ever known does as a "stop talking to me", "we aren't that good of friends", etc measure... but then he turns around and does a warm gesture that is truly genuine, truly coming from the guy on the inside deep down that I connected with all these months ago. Then he gets upset when I don't talk to him for a while due to me feeling pushed away from him. Then he talks to me in a really close way that only close friends could do. As if nothing happened, as if his actions don't matter.

It hurts a lot thinking about cutting him off. And I know it'll hurt him too. I just don't know what to do. Am I over-reacting over this whole convention stuff? I took it pretty personal, but I know I can be a bit over emotional at certain behaviors. He clearly cares a lot about me deep down... even if he can't seem to show it on the surface. I've never met anyone in my life who can be so concerned, interested and connected to you one moment but then turn you off like a lightswitch and treat you like you aren't valuable, like you are disposable the next.

There other context I didn't bother explaining. Deep conversations about personal struggles, me confronting him several times before about similar behaviors done but trying to avoid being a "pressure point" in his life during such a high pressure time for him, etc. I want to help him become that person he truly is deep down. I want to be a good friend to him. Continue talking like we have. But it's so hard when you are so quickly disregarded in a moments notice. When he does stuff that says, "You aren't valuable to me." And yet next thing I know I'm being told that I'm valuable. But I really am not sure if I'm being entirely unreasonable in all this, especially considering the quarter-life-crisis stuff. I frankly don't trust my judgement or my maturity when handling this, and genuinely want to get better at being a better person.

This would be so much easier if he was genuinely being distant and not following it up with any sort of deep appreciation for me. But that isn't the case. I know he cares a lot about me. And I know I upset him deeply this morning when I mentioned that I wanted to talk about our friendship going forward sometime soon. I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable.

 

[Wolfskillian]

It couldn't hurt to talk to him about about your feelings and about the stagnation of your friendship. After you talk about things, I'm sure you'll know exactly what to do. But I do think you should talk to him first. You may end up doing something you'll regret later if not. And at least after talking, you'll have no more doubts if you're making the right decision or not.

 

[KorJax]

I guess that is what has confused me so much. I'd be understanding (and more graceful in accepting) stagnation. But that really isn't the case. We've been super close (NOT stagnant) for the past few weeks. But suddenly when I'm able to be around him like I was last weekend, it is as if I didn't exist. Ignored at best case, downright ditched or lied to at worst case. I am the recipient of behavior that communicates, "You aren't important to me, I'll gladly throw you under the bus to be around my latest fixation."

Regardless, he already heard of my intent to talk to him about our friendship. He messaged me and told me I should hold off on talking about it until after the holidays. I know the idea of me bringing this up would be very emotionally hurtful for him, so it's clear he doesn't want me to put a downer on things. We've "talked" like this several times before about other similar sorts of things, and he was always very emotionally drained over the experience. To the point that he mentioned that when he sees me typing for a long time he gets anxious.

Just gets me thinking if this is worth fighting a battle over, if this is the hill our friendship should die on. I'm very hurt but at the same time I can't help but feel me being hurt is because I expected the wrong thing from an ENFP. And the only reason why I think that vs just dropping him like I would most people that do this behavior is because I know for a fact he cares a lot, and has shown that (even over the trip, albeit in brief flashes). I just can't ignore genuine care/love. I'm drawn to people who demonstrate that sort of thing towards me. It is just so conflicting when such genuine care is combined with (not genuine?) disinterest.

 

[Ghoulia Yelps]

Whatever you do, don't try the No Contact game. It is extremely damaging for the target, and may lead to depression or even self harm. People do this thinking they are protecting themselves, with little thought to the harm being shunned and very often defamed has on the target. Please don't do that.

 

[acd]

Sounds like you both have different expectations and motives. You are probably 100x more invested and troubled and by this than he is. But that is just my opinion based on reading your post coupled with my own life experience, too. So take my comment for whatever it is worth. If it were me, I'd cut myself loose from him. You don't have to door slam him and refuse to ever talk to him. There doesnt seem to be a need to cut off contact unless you feel you cannot control your feelings and expectations for him. Be cordial, but don't let yourself be anxious over someone who blows you off. But I think life is too precious and short to worry about people who half-ass relationships.

This guy sounds like he plays the game very well. When someone genuinely loves you and cares for you--it is consistent. Not saying he's a bad guy, but again, my read is that you both have very different expectations and desires from one another.

 

[Emjay]

I have been through this myself. I feel for you - it hurts. Unfortunately I have to agree that this person is not being respectful of your feelings and boundaries which makes them a poor bet for a relationship of any kind, whether friendship or otherwise.

The problem is in healing your own heart which takes time and distance to accomplish.

I did have to go No Contact with a particular person in the end for my own sanity. I must add that No Contact is not punishing someone nor is it manipulating in order to get someone back. It is not a game to be played. It will however end things with that person and you have to be prepared for that. Some people do not understand why their behaviour is manipulative and hurtful. They have probably done it many times and have got away with it because of other qualities they can convince people they have. ENFPs are all about the charm ... they are all about getting you to like them and even feel for them. This is just who they are but a person who is respectful of having awakened the affections of another will not treat that person with disregard. They will not blow hot and cold, give you the brush off or communicate in any way which is manipulative or dishonest. They will indicate they are not interested if that is the case, or they will take care not to "chase" you or otherwise give you the wrong message.

What I had to accept about my friend, in the end, is that this was just the way he operates. He sees no problem with it because people let him get away with it - he's such a nice guy. And he is, but yet ... he isn't. What I've realised about most people is that they are willing to forgive a multitude of sins just because something looks good and sounds good. That person becomes empowered by their own mass appeal and they think it's okay to go on doing what they do.

Again with No Contact - the goal is to help you heal. You don't have to be rude or talk about that person to others .. in fact I recommend not doing that. Just play it cool but pull back. He may pursue you and this is the hard bit. You must not engage no matter what. You can be polite and decent about it but this person needs to get the message that the privileges they enjoyed previously are gone. Yes he may be hurt. But his feelings are not what is important here. This is about you and your need to get some distance from the situation in order to recover and move on. I wish you all the best ... it is not easy and it isn't something ever to be done lightly. But in certain situations it is your only option.

 

[KorJax]

Well, I gave it time. Officially cut him off. Deleted contact, logs, removed on twitter, etc.

I feel like shit. I'm shaking. Can't eat. God this is hard. The first person I've felt genuinely close to in years I had to cut off like this. It feels hard to imagine me trusting so easily in the future.

This past month had glimmers of hope, only to be washed away. Every time I'd chat with him I really felt like I was background material. He didn't want to talk about our friendship at all, which (among the really standoffish nature he's been talking to me) makes me feel like I'm not actually valued. I try and just be casual/nice/warm and instead of it being reciprocated I get talked to like I'm an annoyance. Despite that, he still finds the energy to message me here and there.

The straw that broke it for me though was me learning he was making very real moves to homewreck said mutual friend I mentioned in the OP, and has been openly flirting/charming/bubbly on twitter to him constantly. It hits a real moral low note for me, on top of me just feeling really disposable to him already (likely as a result of him trying to get with a guy who lives across the world).

I just can't handle seeing that type of thing go on anymore in my life. Especially with people I had previously connected so closely with, and thought they had any respect for that.

It's funny, he seemed genuinely interested in not burning bridges, but his entire attitude towards me paints a different picture. His actions are very different from his words, and I suppose I could summarize our entire relationship with that. It's a stark contrast to similar words that were said by my ex who broke up with me in 2014, ending a long term relationship. He was afraid of splitting because he was afraid of burning bridges, losing me, etc. He was genuinely interested in maintaining a friendship and staying close, and actually worked at it with his actions. A year and a half later and he's now my closest friend.

Hopefully in my future I can do a better job of getting to know people who are genuinely interested in forging strong connections. This just caught me by surprise. I've never met someone who knows exactly how to bring me in to invest into them and trust them only to turn around and throw it out at a whim.