Responding to Conflict | INFJ Forum

Responding to Conflict

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j75ejcyj7

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Feb 18, 2017
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Does anyone else make conflict worse?

I can't accept with people are upset with me or think I'm wrong, I will fight them tooth and nail to try to convince them that they are wrong.

It doesn't matter if I agree with what I'm saying or not. I just refuse to accept that they think negatively of me. I have a hard to believing that someone can be upset with me and still love me at the same time.

So, I keep the fight going - even when my partner says to give them space. I won't listen. This pattern is pretty intense. I've brought a few exes to physical aggression with my behavior.

I basically act like my mom, who refused to listen to my words. She listened in on my calls, had the neighbors peeking in on me and wouldn't let me have friends over. She didn't encourage me to enjoy myself, and told me that I was too sensitive all of the time. It was absolutely horrifying. I had to stuff all of the angry down. The only people I felt connected to were artists.

Honest to God, I thought that Eminem and I were besties.

I derailed there, sorry. I hope it makes sense. I had re-reading what I write, because it triggers me...there will be quite a few typos riddled in posts until I work through this!

Anyway, back to the point, I don't know if this is a BPD issue or an INFJ issue. I guess it doesn't really matter what we call them...anyone can have any personality trait. So, has anyone had this problem or experienced it with someone else? I don't care what "label" they assign to their personality - I just want to see the variation of experiences.
 
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I find people interesting, unless they are so ideological that there's basically no person there, just a walking billboard, or unless they can't really engage with my interest in them. Analogy: I'm interested in books, and not only in their covers in an aesthetic/hobby sense.

Conflict for me is when people say something I don't agree with, or when they behave in an offensive way. I find it easy to deal with these: it's low effort and often enjoyable insofar as it requires either thought+wit, or sheer agression. Part of me is exhilarated at the possibility that someone will convince me of a different opinion and change my mind, or that they will try to initiate physical agression and give me an excuse.
 
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Flavus Aquila said:
I find people interesting, unless they are so ideological that there's basically no person there, just a walking billboard, or unless they can't really engage with my interest in them. Analogy: I'm interested in books, and only in their covers in an aesthetic/hobby sense.

Conflict for me is when people say something I don't agree with, or when they behave in an offensive way. I find it easy to deal with these: it's low effort and often enjoyable insofar as it requires either thought+wit, or sheer agression. Part of me is exhilarated at the possibility that someone will convince me of a different opinion and change my mind, or that they will try to initiate physical agression and give me an excuse.
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Hmmm...that makes me think.

I feel eager when I get into arguments - something in me is craving more information. I like to see the patterns they have, I like to feel them out fully. I always learn from conflict. Conflict is one of the essential ways that things change shape. I'm always looking to transform into something more. I'm always trying to push myself - even if I'm not aware of it at the time. The revelations I get after my biggest fights have been important.
 
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My mother has been diagnosed with BPD and I notice that she finds it difficult for me to disagree with her. She won't "allow" me to disagree. She keeps pestering me about it over and over again, long after the time when I have been trying to put the issue in the past as something that I have accepted we will never agree on. I sometimes wonder whether by forcing me to compromise is her way of bringing us closer. But I wish she would understand that it "hurts" the integrity of my mind for her to do this.
 
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invisible said:
My mother has been diagnosed with BPD and I notice that she finds it difficult for me to disagree with her. She won't "allow" me to disagree. She keeps pestering me about it over and over again, long after the time when I have been trying to put the issue in the past as something that I have accepted we will never agree on. I sometimes wonder whether by forcing me to compromise is her way of bringing us closer. But I wish she would understand that it "hurts" the integrity of my mind for her to do this.
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These are my behaviors exactly. It's a very tricky situation.
 
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Conflicts are good as it let the people to talk about what they really want and what's inside them. In my past relationship experience conflicts were inevitable so I was making sure that I am losing.
 
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Not all conflict is out in the open though, a lot of conflict resides in the inside and can present itself as very passive aggressive. Which I don't believe to be overly productive or healthy. I tend to step away from conflict because most conflict I have witnessed is childish. The more serious conflict is fear based so that can be just as challenging.

In my experience anyway.
 
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Wonky Oracle said:
Not all conflict is out in the open though, a lot of conflict resides in the inside and can present itself as very passive aggressive. Which I don't believe to be overly productive or healthy. I tend to step away from conflict because most conflict I have witnessed is childish. The more serious conflict is fear based so that can be just as challenging.

In my experience anyway.
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Its true.
 
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There's two sides of the coin.

On one hand, I want to engage in conflict to feel.

On the other hand, I can't stand it.

I know that living in the middle of conflict with my home life for 21 years has impacted the way I interact with people, so my ambivalence makes sense.

I hate it, but it's really all I know. I'm scared of healthy conversations, I'm always searching for the underlying 'truth'. Spoiler alert : my version of their 'truth' is usually that hate me and want bad things for me.

I'm sure some of this is my intuition picking up on cues, but I'm not considering where it comes from.

I just think "OMG they HATE me!!!!" and start a vicious cycle of energy sucking emotions.

It goes fear, resentment, anger, anxiety then depression. By the end everyone is an enemy.

What usually happens for me is that I'm unaware of how bitchy I am being, I upset someone, they start to dislike me and act accordingly.

Then, I wonder why they are being rude and start fight with more fire. Before I know it, it turns into a huge screaming match.

I make sure that I always look like the victim in the end, though.

People don't like people who play victim or people who are mean, so it makes sense that I don't have friends.
 
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Cleo said:
There's two sides of the coin.

On one hand, I want to engage in conflict to feel.

On the other hand, I can't stand it.

I know that living in the middle of conflict with my home life for 21 years has impacted the way I interact with people, so my ambivalence makes sense.

I hate it, but it's really all I know. I'm scared of healthy conversations, I'm always searching for the underlying 'truth'. Spoiler alert : my version of their 'truth' is usually that hate me and want bad things for me.

I'm sure some of this is my intuition picking up on cues, but I'm not considering where it comes from.

I just think "OMG they HATE me!!!!" and start a vicious cycle of energy sucking emotions.

It goes fear, resentment, anger, anxiety then depression. By the end everyone is an enemy.

What usually happens for me is that I'm unaware of how bitchy I am being, I upset someone, they start to dislike me and act accordingly.

Then, I wonder why they are being rude and start fight with more fire. Before I know it, it turns into a huge screaming match.

I make sure that I always look like the victim in the end, though.

People don't like people who play victim or people who are mean, so it makes sense that I don't have friends.
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Take a vow of silence and stop being so fucking difficult.
:p
 
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If you can recognize the problem, then you can resolve it. It will take discipline. It's easy to react and act impulsively. Maybe pushing the conflict further provides a sense of control. But that sense of control is an illusion. The more you try to control other people's thoughts and emotions the less power you actually have. Let people disagree with you and be angry with you. They are allowed to have opinions and emotions just as you are. And the feelings usually pass anyway given time and like your partner says, space.
 
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j75ejcyj7 said:
Does anyone else make conflict worse?

I can't accept with people are upset with me or think I'm wrong, I will fight them tooth and nail to try to convince them that they are wrong.

It doesn't matter if I agree with what I'm saying or not. I just refuse to accept that they think negatively of me. I have a hard to believing that someone can be upset with me and still love me at the same time.

So, I keep the fight going - even when my partner says to give them space. I won't listen. This pattern is pretty intense. I've brought a few exes to physical aggression with my behavior.

I basically act like my mom, who refused to listen to my words. She listened in on my calls, had the neighbors peeking in on me and wouldn't let me have friends over. She didn't encourage me to enjoy myself, and told me that I was too sensitive all of the time. It was absolutely horrifying. I had to stuff all of the angry down. The only people I felt connected to were artists.

Honest to God, I thought that Eminem and I were besties.

I derailed there, sorry. I hope it makes sense. I had re-reading what I write, because it triggers me...there will be quite a few typos riddled in posts until I work through this!

Anyway, back to the point, I don't know if this is a BPD issue or an INFJ issue. I guess it doesn't really matter what we call them...anyone can have any personality trait. So, has anyone had this problem or experienced it with someone else? I don't care what "label" they assign to their personality - I just want to see the variation of experiences.
Click to expand...

j75ejcyj7 said:
I found out that I'm actually an INFP! My life makes a lot more sense now!
Click to expand...
I was just about to inform you of this...............................................
 
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j75ejcyj7 said:
I found out that I'm actually an INFP! My life makes a lot more sense now!
Click to expand...

I hope that you're doing okay, and I'm sorry for what happened on the server. It can be a lot to take in when you're new to the community, but the people here are good people, so I hope you'll give us a chance. I know that this is serious for you and that you're in a difficult place right now, and I know exactly how that feels. If you need anything, just let me know.

In regards to the topic, you're not alone there either. Learning how to resolve conflict successfully is a delicate thing I think many struggle with. I'll just say too, people can certainly be upset with you and love you at the same time. I can't imagine anything but this being the case - sometimes our loved ones can be infinitely frustrating, but that doesn't mean I stop loving them. I recognize that this is a struggle for you, but if you'd like to talk about it, I'm here to listen. *hug*
 
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My boss, although a pretty cool guy can be difficult. He won't allow anyone to disagree with him or interject an opinion that isn't his, right or wrong.
He's a total micro manager and wants everything done immediately regardless of my own priorities.
We have different skill sets and he admits he doesnt understand what I do ( he's a manager and I'm an IT ).
I honestly want to like him but he makes me insane, we just can't relate to each other and I am seriously on edge every time we interact. He clearly senses this and takes advantage of my INFJ personality although I'm sure he doesn't know what that is.
In short, we clash, he's the boss, I give in because I really don't like conflict. I am at the point where I just want to bail on this job and find something I can enjoy.

Sucks!
 
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