Relationships...

QuickTwist

QuickTwist

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INFJ
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JesseDornfeld
I've lately been thinking a little more about what I want out of a relationship. Not necessarily romantic, just relationships in general.

I've found that I very much desired depth. A kind of intellectual stimulation. Sharing memes with each other is just not enough for me. I find that kind of shallow.

I want to really connect with people. Know their desires, know their mind, and know their heart.

I want to get at the real person, not what they show to the world, if that makes sense. Beyond the selfies and arguments. I want to really KNOW them and I want them to really KNOW me.

Having said that, I find that it is difficult getting a relationship of any kind off the ground because people are so often super shallow and don't want to go deep with me. It's annoying. I want to be able to share personal things about myself, and they share personal things about themselves. A kind of intimacy that goes beyond jokes and debates.

There are so few people in the world that I actually share my desires with. Almost no one, in fact. And when I do talk about my desires, it is not to actually talk about my desires, but only because it ties into a different point I am making.

I have not been in a romantic relationship for years, and the only romantic relationships I have been in have been pretty toxic. So, I don't really have an outlet for intimacy.

IDK where I am going with this...

Just thought I would vent.
 
Most people crave intimacy so you are not alone there
I'm always interested in getting to know people on whatever level they are comfortable with
It's tough to properly sync up with another human though
Often times people aren't ready to face their own truths, so some patience and forgiveness is required
The main thing I press upon people usually is to leave their ego at the door or gtfo
Find the people that you naturally vibe with at the start, it makes the process easier
Trust your intuition about people, it's never steered me wrong really
Even if I'm wrong about the person as a whole, I'm never wrong about the moment
 
QuickTwist said:
I've lately been thinking a little more about what I want out of a relationship. Not necessarily romantic, just relationships in general.

I've found that I very much desired depth. A kind of intellectual stimulation. Sharing memes with each other is just not enough for me. I find that kind of shallow.

I want to really connect with people. Know their desires, know their mind, and know their heart.

I want to get at the real person, not what they show to the world, if that makes sense. Beyond the selfies and arguments. I want to really KNOW them and I want them to really KNOW me.

Having said that, I find that it is difficult getting a relationship of any kind off the ground because people are so often super shallow and don't want to go deep with me. It's annoying. I want to be able to share personal things about myself, and they share personal things about themselves. A kind of intimacy that goes beyond jokes and debates.

There are so few people in the world that I actually share my desires with. Almost no one, in fact. And when I do talk about my desires, it is not to actually talk about my desires, but only because it ties into a different point I am making.

I have not been in a romantic relationship for years, and the only romantic relationships I have been in have been pretty toxic. So, I don't really have an outlet for intimacy.

IDK where I am going with this...

Just thought I would vent.
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Think about what you are willing to accept in order to get what you desire ✌️. Many times, people accept the unacceptable just to satisfy their loneliness. As for the rest, Wyote has already said it all.

-Giammarco
 
QuickTwist said:
I want to get at the real person, not what they show to the world, if that makes sense. Beyond the selfies and arguments. I want to really KNOW them and I want them to really KNOW me.
Click to expand...
In my experience, to let someone in this deeply is to be very vulnerable and we can be hurt badly if things go wrong. This is as true with friendships as it is with romance. Mostly people have to take a lot of time getting to know others at more superficial levels before becoming that open and trusting. Its good to take time building a relationship - with the right folks intimacy will come, but most of the time it's like growing a tree rather than diving into a swimming pool.
 
John K said:
In my experience, to let someone in this deeply is to be very vulnerable and we can be hurt badly if things go wrong. This is as true with friendships as it is with romance. Mostly people have to take a lot of time getting to know others at more superficial levels before becoming that open and trusting. Its good to take time building a relationship - with the right folks intimacy will come, but most of the time it's like growing a tree rather than diving into a swimming pool.
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Yes, this. Well said, John :)
 
@John K's point is a good one and I've echoed it elsewhere here previously including recently (especially alongside having patience and a forgiving attitude as @Wyote mentioned as this takes I guess some time and understanding to arrive at)

I see making the connection authentic comes up a bunch as well and this makes sense also along with wanting to make it ocean-deep.

A couple of things from me - one is acceptance and let's call the other a 'safe harbor' provision. Acceptance because there should be a desire to accept the other person (and vice versa) for who they are even before we get to know them with us essentially encouraging them to feel comfortable doing this. Think of those friends and people you know who you remember just being by your side and giving you a thumbs up when you do you regardless of how this looks to other people. (By this I am not suggesting we allow or encourage bad behavior or anything of the sort, just having this idea of supporting the other person's unfoldment and hopefully having them be willing to do the same for us.) This may not seem all that important but it makes a world of difference in the long term, and here writing as if we are talking about something with long-term potential.

The 'safe harbor' provision would be something like understanding that the connection is a safe place to discuss how we feel about various things even if our views on something may not align so there is enough breathing space to air those views maybe so they can be discussed with less steam later. (Again this is within reason as with the first point though in the same spirit.)

Otherwise lots of good points.
 
I've had only like 2-5 relationships IRL where we could talk deeply about something. One of them in particular was one where I could talk to every day about intellectual things. But they started dating someone and suddenly we don't talk so much anymore :p

The internet kinda killed a lot of peoples ability to socialize with strangers. Other people used to be a good source of entertainment, but now we're competing with hyper-curated feeds that give people exactly what they're looking for in terms of stimulating content. This lets us recognize that a lot of people have their own idea of what is a stimulating conversation.

I've long been considering maybe hanging out at a library or bookstore, or maybe going out to some local event to meet other people that are looking for conversation. Whatever avenue you plan to take, it is clear that you have to have a proactive approach and do work to find people who are likeminded. The people you want to connect with are out there, you just have to go out and find them.
 
QuickTwist said:
I've lately been thinking a little more about what I want out of a relationship. Not necessarily romantic, just relationships in general.
Click to expand...


You wanna be fuckin'

 
hush said:
I just posted this a day or two ago! *HIGH-FIVE* 🫸🫷
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Slow Motion Reaction GIF by MOODMAN
 
QuickTwist said:
I've lately been thinking a little more about what I want out of a relationship. Not necessarily romantic, just relationships in general.

I've found that I very much desired depth. A kind of intellectual stimulation. Sharing memes with each other is just not enough for me. I find that kind of shallow.

I want to really connect with people. Know their desires, know their mind, and know their heart.

I want to get at the real person, not what they show to the world, if that makes sense. Beyond the selfies and arguments. I want to really KNOW them and I want them to really KNOW me.

Having said that, I find that it is difficult getting a relationship of any kind off the ground because people are so often super shallow and don't want to go deep with me. It's annoying. I want to be able to share personal things about myself, and they share personal things about themselves. A kind of intimacy that goes beyond jokes and debates.

There are so few people in the world that I actually share my desires with. Almost no one, in fact. And when I do talk about my desires, it is not to actually talk about my desires, but only because it ties into a different point I am making.

I have not been in a romantic relationship for years, and the only romantic relationships I have been in have been pretty toxic. So, I don't really have an outlet for intimacy.

IDK where I am going with this...

Just thought I would vent.
Click to expand...
I hear you. I have felt, and sometimes still feel, at least in the dating world, the same way. I am blessed, though, to have two close friends who are INFJs. How that occurred is surely a God thing. I can't account for it otherwise. One knows she is an INFJ, the other, I have self-typed as one, for he is, and that is all there is to it. I speak with her daily, most of the time. We live in the same apartment complex. Him, not as often, as he is more introverted than she or I. But a few times or at least once a week. He and I go to the same Church. The three of us are all Christian and Single, so we probably talk more than we would if not Single. I am grateful for their friendships, for I went through many years without a best friend or kindred spirit. It was lonely indeed. Last time I checked, which has been awhile, we INFJs are only 1% of the population. During my loneliest times, I've journaled my feelings, dreams, desires, and goals. I also prayed for true friends. For I have had many who were anything but that. I've had to learn boundaries and to stop attempting to rescue everyone who seemed to be in a crisis or bad way. I've learned to be healthier, and thus, to choose healthier people to be friends with. I also have a younger sister who is an INFJ, but sadly, we are not close. She is married and has a stressful full-time job with very little downtime. So I get it. I was the same way when I was married and working too. If or when either of my friends were to get married in the future, I suspect our frequent communication would slow down immensely. Again, it's just the way of relationships, times and seasons in a lifetime.
 
Greetings, I am an INFJ, and new here. I'm 62, and have been single, by choice, for 25 years. I have been working on myself, so as to choose a better significant other relationship for myself.

The trouble I am having is that I cannot seem to flirt to save my life. I am currently interested in finding someone to share my life with. Case in point: today I went to a Singles Conference at my Church. There were two men there who piqued my interest enough to want to know better than just eyeing one another across the proverbial as well as literal crowded room. Suffice it to say, I failed miserably in doing anything other than smiling at them, and saying hello to the one who said hello to me. How I wish I had done things differently! I wish I'd had the courage to sit down next to them separately and ask them about themselves. But no! Smiling seems to be all that I can manage in said situation. Small talk is NOT my forte.

Kicking myself figuratively afterward is.

I'm telling myself that it's not ALL my fault, and to give myself some grace. I am at least smiling. I look attractive enough, and don't smell bad. So, why can't THEY say something conversational to ME???

The guy who said nothing, and just stared at me from across the room, well, he had one and 3/4ths of two arms. So perhaps he felt self-conscious. I don't know. He was, nonetheless, handsome as Captain Picard of The Next Generation ever thought of being! I REALLY wanted to talk to him. So I guess that makes it MY issue, not his. I just haven't a clue what to say to a man that I have not met and know nothing about.

There must be a book, or a class or a Ted Talk.... SOMETHING, to tell me what I am missing here. Besides verbiage. OR perhaps the verbiage itself.

I'm at a loss, and don't want to be!
 
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