Relationships & Intelligence

[IndigoSensor]

Please please please don't take this topic the wrong the way, I am not trying to be judgemental. It's just an observation and pattern I have really noticed for a while now, and it might explain why some of us have problems with relationships.


I have noticed a rather interesting pattern, with people who are in relationships, and people who are not. In a sense, broad intelligence (not focused, broad) is inversely corralated with the ease of romantic relationships. What I mean by this is, people who tend to have a general high level of intelligence, tend to have a very hard time with romantic relationships. They largely seem illusive, hard to grasp, scary, and impossible to "figure out" even with trial and error. Where as people with below average or just general intelligence, seems to have a very easy time finding relationships, falling in love and having it last for a very long time. To them it just makes perfect sense and there is nothing to it. You could ask them that and it is likely what they will tell you. I have noticed this with people around me, and I wonder if anyone else has noticed this as well. If I knew why this appears to be the case, it would be much simpler. Perhaps relationships aren't meant to have thought put into them. So I want to know what your take is on this, why this is so. This seems to be a very big problem with INxx types in general. (the INJ's and INP's would have different bases though if you ask me). Discuss.

 

[Kavalan]

could you elaborate on the supposed differences with INJs and and INPs?

 

[IndigoSensor]

could you elaborate on the supposed differences with INJs and and INPs?

I'll try. It would more come down to a difference on how an interference would occur.

INJ's would have more of a problem with trying to know every single little detail and nuance involved before they could act, and would involve an awful lot of ruminating on relationships to the point where it becomes a sore point and nothing more

INP's would have an issue with actually holding a relationship. They would be more afraid of being dug into and having themselves being too open and vulnerable. They wouldn't know how to start or keep things going with enough effort.

 

[TinyBubbles]

maybe it's not a matter of intelligence but of introversion vs extroversion? introverts would likely have a push/pull thing going on in their heads in regards to relationships, part of them would want to connect while another part would be wanting to step back and reflect. for extroverts it would be more simple, they'd always want to be with their partners.

 

[deadred]

Indy, another great subject. I really appreciate your depth and sensitivity. Before I get into the meat of your question, let me say that a big part of the problem with serious relationships is Societal. For about 30 years, we have lived in what I call a "Disposable Society". Maybe it's the result of the tremendous number of options available to everyone, but our perspective is that when we find a few things we don't like about someone, our tendancy is to "throw them away" and find someone else to relate to. I don't see you that way.
My wife Brenda and I have been married 32 years. I consider us both to be of very good intelligence, but intelligent in different ways. We're both introverts. Our problems generally were in the world of perception, actually misperception. Misperception becomes personal reality even if it is wrong. You believe it to be true. How do you draw adequate and proper conclusions based upon misperception? You can't, and the chasm widens. Most communication problems are caused by misperception...how many of our relationship problems are based upon faulty communications? A great many, no doubt.
Good interpersonal relationships are directly proportional to the degree of self-discovery and personality integration of each individual in a relationship. Nothing I've talked about even mentions emotions, which makes things even more complex. How many of us truly understand our emotions? Ad another person into the equation and we are looking into a large deep pool at night, and we can't see into the pool at all. How can we know what's in the pool? We can't.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Perhaps emotional intimacy is not as meaningful as intellectual intimacy to those capable of it.

Emotions are basic and somewhat undefined - so that compatibility only requires that two people feel the same way about each other.

Intellectual worlds are highly defined and as such are often contradictory of other such "worlds." To find someone who is intellectually compatible requires either an ability to be at ease with varying opinions/outlooks (probably more common amoung Perceivers); or agreement (probably more common amoung Judgers). Intellectual agreement is a rare thing.

 

[Blind Bandit]

I'll try. It would more come down to a difference on how an interference would occur.

INJ's would have more of a problem with trying to know every single little detail and nuance involved before they could act, and would involve an awful lot of ruminating on relationships to the point where it becomes a sore point and nothing more

INP's would have an issue with actually holding a relationship. They would be more afraid of being dug into and having themselves being too open and vulnerable. They wouldn't know how to start or keep things going with enough effort.

You just summed up a huge part of my relationship problems.

I have this strong need to know everything I can. But also know this is meaningful and not simply something that won't last. My Jness holds me back from enjoying what i have and I have trouble just saying this relationship works for now.

This for is why i have so much trouble. I can't just live in the moment and say whatever relationship I can get is worth it.

 

[the]

So what is the difference between broad, focused, and general intelligence?

It seems to me that all you are describing is that people with book smarts do not have the interpersonal relationship intelligence required to have a good relationship with someone and vice versa. That is pretty stereotypical but you might be right and you probably are.

Also it seems you are inferring that INXX are smarter than others since they supposedly cant have a good relationship.

 

[gator]

I heard somewhere that people gain the most enjoyment out of interacting with people who are reasonably close to their own level, like within 10 IQ points in either direction. I'm not going to get into the whole IQ debate because I don't think it's the only way of measuring intelligence, but the idea makes sense.

If you're average you're in the middle of the curve where there are a lot of other people on your level to relate to. The higher or lower you get on the scale the less people there are that in your group.

 

[anica]

I'll try. It would more come down to a difference on how an interference would occur.

INJ's would have more of a problem with trying to know every single little detail and nuance involved before they could act, and would involve an awful lot of ruminating on relationships to the point where it becomes a sore point and nothing more

INP's would have an issue with actually holding a relationship. They would be more afraid of being dug into and having themselves being too open and vulnerable. They wouldn't know how to start or keep things going with enough effort.

I think you're absolutely spot on with this, especially what you said about INPs.

 

[Gaze]

I'll try. It would more come down to a difference on how an interference would occur.

INJ's would have more of a problem with trying to know every single little detail and nuance involved before they could act, and would involve an awful lot of ruminating on relationships to the point where it becomes a sore point and nothing more

INP's would have an issue with actually holding a relationship. They would be more afraid of being dug into and having themselves being too open and vulnerable. They wouldn't know how to start or keep things going with enough effort.

So, you're saying INXJs would have a harder time just letting things be, just relaxing and seeing where things lead because they'd likely overanalyze everything to death before making a decision or moving forward?

 

[Trifoilum]

So, you're saying INXJs would have a harder time just letting things be, just relaxing and seeing where things lead because they'd likely overanalyze everything to death before making a decision or moving forward?

In short, "Is s/he the right person?"

repeat ad infinitum / nauseam.

I think within initial stages of relationship (...which, if my virgin knowledge could be trusted, would be the timespan in which most of intelligence comfort / compatibility are built or destroyed), INJs are more likely to have a 'down' reaction due to that, while INPs are more likely to have an 'up' reaction due to that.

Not saying that INJs are smarter than INPs, but more like,
INJs : "ugh, so s/he's like this."
INPs : "oooh, so s/he's like this!"

I might be wrong, tho. :|

 

[Final]

One factor could be that someone with a broad intelligence has more to talk about. Then, it's harder to run out of topics, and it's easier to relate to people. It's easier to relate because his large number of interests probably somewhere matches hers, in contrast to my five interests matching only a few people around me.

 

[slant]

Well....I draw up 'relationship building plans'.

By the time they've read those documents people typically run away.

It's too 'mechanical' I have been told but I plan everything else, so why not that?

 

[Faye]

Most of the issue is not with the individuals in my opinion. Most of the issue is with society.

I don't know how to explain it all though. Basically, intelligent people often aren't viewed as having sexual desires like everyone else. Another large part of it is the hook-up phenomenon and the fact that so many intelligent people forsake relationships at the expense of career. Many people believe that you have to be successful before you can have a relationship.

 

[waterbaby]

You just summed up a huge part of my relationship problems.

I have this strong need to know everything I can. But also know this is meaningful and not simply something that won't last. My Jness holds me back from enjoying what i have and I have trouble just saying this relationship works for now.

This for is why i have so much trouble. I can't just live in the moment and say whatever relationship I can get is worth it.

I can't either. For me it is manifested in constant nit-picking of issues, constantly trying to refine every brick that makes up the foundation, not looking for problems, just constantly looking for problems to be "more" solved. Basically, I get accused of :deadhorse:
God forbid any aspect of any issue is left unspoken or unexamined.

On my end, it's intended to prevent molehills from growing into mountains later, but it never seems to be taken that way by others. lol

 

[NeverAmI]

I overthink everything to the point of fucking it up in terms of relationships, whether that equates to high intelligence or extreme stupidity, I cannot say.