Relationship Expectations

[Soulful]

Do you have them?

Key question: Does closeness with another person, whether that's a friendship or a relationship, naturally involve expectations? Can there be genuine intimacy and closeness without expectations? How do you balance reasonable expectations (assuming you feel they exist) with keeping a healthy amount of space and freedom between yourself and another person?

If you have expectations of people, what do you expect from close friends vs. more casual friendships vs. acquaintances?

I'm partially curious for curiosity's sake, and partially genuinely puzzled about this... so I'd love to hear about what y'all think about this.

 

[Bird]

I think it's inevitable for people to develop expectations for others.

I think expectations develop after a routine is started. If we've talked
every day on your lunch break for three months, I am going to expect
for that to continue. If you always get the beef stew when eating vietnamese,
I'm generally going to expect you to get the beef stew. Both of these
are expectations I have and my reaction to each of these things when
they are not met is very different. If someone suddenly changes their
routine it is a break in a habit, a variance from the order. I do not think
that most expectations are formed whimsically. I think they're something
that develop over time once you've gotten to know the intimacies of
a person better; at least reasonable expectations.

I expect that my best friend will never leave her abusive boyfriend and will
not get over her drug addict ways. I sincerely hope that this is not the case
as she genuinely is a very bright person stuck in a hard place, but since she's
been living this way for so long now it's hard to expect otherwise.
I don't really expect a lot from casual friends either, maybe greeting me in
the gym when you see me or saying hello when you come into my work
or greeting me when we're both at the bar. But beyond this I have absolutely
no expectations at all. I do not know what your schedule is.
I expect my coworkers to show up to work on time. I really don't think this
is asking too much but some definitely have a problem with this one.

The only people I really develop expectations for are those I live with and
the person that I am in a relationship with. Other people I just don't know
well enough.

I think more often than not expectations get confused with hope.

 

[Soulful]

The only people I really develop expectations for are those I live with and
the person that I am in a relationship with. Other people I just don't know
well enough.

I think more often than not expectations get confused with hope.

Thanks.

What is it about your romantic relationship that results in expectations?
Would you have expectations for friends if the level of intimacy was that close, simply platonic?

Similarly, are the expectations you have for the people you live with personal or are they situated in the kind of behaviour that is necessary for people to be able to function as some sort of a unit?

 

[acd]

How could anyone not have any expectations? They're natural. They help make sense of the world and set personal boundaries. I think it's universal that humans want to be able to know what to expect. Possessing foresight and being able to plan are hallmarks of intelligence. All that said expectations should be reasonable. People are social creatures and part of being a social creature are rules for interaction to promote harmony. To place excessive detailed expectations or demands just means that one is incapable or resistant to taking responsibility for their own life. I personally think that reasonable expectations are honesty and respect in a relationship. I think these are reasonable because they promote mutuality. An unreasonable expectation would be that the other person is going to pay your way or that their main purpose in your life is to ensure your happiness. Those are examples of rather imbalanced relationship paradigms because they mean that one person doesn't take responsibility for themselves.

 

[JGirl]

i have tons of expectations. i don't expect them to carry any weight, though. they're just my own ideas on how things should be or how people should behave.
i am usually let down to some extent because my expectations are very high. in my defense i must add that i don't expect anything from anyone that i would not expect from myself or that they could expect from me.

 

[Bird]

Thanks.

What is it about your romantic relationship that results in expectations?

The amount of time I spend with him and how well I know him.
The routines of our relationship. It's not that I expect to talk to
him on his lunch break because I want that time slot, but because
it's been mine for so long it's just developed into our schedule.

Would you have expectations for friends if the level of intimacy was that close, simply platonic?

I would. There was a time when I expected my best friend to
pick me up in the mornings at seven to go running. We did this
nearly every day for a time. I grew to expect this habit in
our relationship. Over time we stopped running together and
my expectations for it to happen died away. Whether or not
I am romantically involved with someone does not determine
if I will have expectations for them. What does is if there is a
routine to our relationship, I expect that routine to continue.
We do not even have to really be that close. At work I expect
to always do the back when working with Scott, that is just
our routine and we are definitely platonic and only acquaintances.

Similarly, are the expectations you have for the people you live with personal or are they situated in the kind of behaviour that is necessary for people to be able to function as some sort of a unit?

The latter. I do not like to have unfair expectations for others. I've
spent a lot of time trying to meet other's expectations and I've
realized most expectations are really selfish hopes that you
displace on others. Eg; wanting your child to make lots of
money, wanting your child to overthrow the government, etc...
(I used parental examples because I feel this is most common
in parent/child relationships)

If you make a mess, I expect you to clean it up if you are
able-bodied, period.

 

[Soulful]

i have tons of expectations. i don't expect them to carry any weight, though. they're just my own ideas on how things should be or how people should behave.
i am usually let down to some extent because my expectations are very high. in my defense i must add that i don't expect anything from anyone that i would not expect from myself or that they could expect from me.

When you say you don't expect them to carry any weight, how do you maintain your relationships? How do you establish boundaries in the absence of expectations?

Are there certain expectations that you have that you are willing to let slide, and others you're unwilling to compromise on?

 

[Soulful]

[MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION]

How do you respond when your expectations go unfulfilled in personal relationships, particularly if the fulfillment of the expectation or the lack of fulfillment reflects on the relationship?

 

[acd]

I'd try to talk about it with the person regardless of what type of relationship we had. I wouldn't remain in any sort of relationship where I wasn't respected or being treated honestly.

 

[Soulful]

I'd try to talk about it with the person regardless of what type of relationship we had. I wouldn't remain in any sort of relationship where I wasn't respected or being treated honestly.

I'm in a situation where I've thought about doing this but I'm not entirely certain how to go about it. I'm also still at the point where I think more time is in order before it would make sense to do so, but were it to come to that, I'm just not sure how I would proceed. How do you bring something like that up?

 

[Vict]

I expect honesty from anyone that I have more than a passing acquaintance with.

Reliability from close friends.

The world from a partner.

 

[acd]

I've only had to bring it up with someone who really treated me like trash.
Of course, it did not go well. I just came out after he said something very degrading to me and said, "Why are you so disrespectful to me?"
He made fun of me and told me to go date a self-help author.
And then I broke up with him.

I think you just bring it up when you decide you've had enough, and there is no point to sticking it out any longer.
You'll know when you're ready.
You can't be afraid of the unpleasantness that will arise from confronting someone who hurts you.
But expect that they will defend themselves and attempt to turn it all on you if in fact they really do not have any respect for you.

 

[JGirl]

When you say you don't expect them to carry any weight, how do you maintain your relationships? How do you establish boundaries in the absence of expectations?

Are there certain expectations that you have that you are willing to let slide, and others you're unwilling to compromise on?

expectations are just that. expectation.
they are not the law, or even the standard, necessarily. they are a product of the one doing the expecting.
i realize that i'm a perfectionist, and i know that i have much higher expectations of everything than the average person... well probably moreso than most people.
if i were to demand everyone bow to my expectations they would all go mad or kill me.
just because someone expects something doesn't mean it must be granted and it doesn't necessarily make it valid. i point this out because

 

[Soulful]

expectations are just that. expectation.
they are not the law, or even the standard, necessarily. they are a product of the one doing the expecting.
i realize that i'm a perfectionist, and i know that i have much higher expectations of everything than the average person... well probably moreso than most people.
if i were to demand everyone bow to my expectations they would all go mad or kill me.
just because someone expects something doesn't mean it must be granted and it doesn't necessarily make it valid. i point this out because

 

[Gaze]

Do you have them?
-Yes

Does closeness with another person, whether that's a friendship or a relationship, naturally involve expectations?
-Yes, when you care about someone or have feelings for them, you want to spend time with them, and build a relationship with them. If they share the same feelings, you expect them to want to share their time and interaction with you because they want to be close or intimate as well.

Can there be genuine intimacy and closeness without expectations?
- Yes and no. You can have a relationship where you simply enjoy someone's company and you naturally gravitate towards each other and give each other what you want or need without processing what you do as "expectations". But if both are interested in a more committed relationship where exclusivity exists, then partners will usually expect their partner to interact, communicate, and treat the relationship in a particular way. The expectations would be different from a typical friendship.

How do you balance reasonable expectations (assuming you feel they exist) with keeping a healthy amount of space and freedom between yourself and another person?
- It depends on the couple. Some couples like being together all the time and don't see space as an issue. They don't feel less free or less independent even if they spend all their time together. For other couples, one or both partners may have varying needs for space, and in those situations, the ideal is for both partners to understand their individual needs and try to accommodate those needs for space without neglecting or negatively affecting the relationship.

If you have expectations of people, what do you expect from close friends vs. more casual friendships vs. acquaintances?
- Close friends - talk regularly to catch up on what's going on / hangout out sometimes, do things together
- Casual friendships - Not much. Basic, casual, polite conversation, "I will see you when I see you" sort of thing. Probably expect them to check in once in a while but not much more than that. Don't really care for casual friendships- not very fulfilling although sometimes they're necessary. No committment or involvement makes them empty, at least for me.
- Acquaintances - very low expectations. Simple "hi, how are you" or "how's life" and not much else.

 

[Soulful]

I expect honesty from anyone that I have more than a passing acquaintance with.

Reliability from close friends.

The world from a partner.

What would happen were that reliability to vanish?

 

[Vict]

It takes a steady period of reliability to even become a close friend.

I'd want to discuss the change.

 

[JGirl]

Thanks.
No, I'm not under the preconception that our desires/wishes must be granted by the other party simply because we have them. At the same time, I'm curious what kind of expectations people have that are of the "unreasonable" variety? (What you'd call expectations vs. requirements).

I like that you use a separate term for them. I wish there was one in our lexicon to distinguish between the two, without us having to explain ourselves as though there is something that needs to explained. I wonder if there such a term will one day evolve to reflect a commonly accepted notion within society. It would certainly be more productive for society to naturally be able to make the distinction between reasonable and unreasonable expectations, or it would reflect a more developed society if a healthy sense of relationship boundaries was practiced to the point that it was referenced in our lexicon...

i wasn't implying that you felt this way (bolded part), i was just making a general statement.
i can't say whether having expectations is unreasonable or not. but again, they are expectations, they are what people consider should be forthcoming from another person.

i understand expectation and requirement to be completely different. (i also see guilt and accountability as two entirely different things)

a requirement is something that i set for myself. an expectation is directed to the other person. i cannot control the other person, but i can control me.
so i require certain things in life, and in relationships. if they are not met, i move on. no disappointment like there would be if i expected something from you and you let me down.
ramble ramble.
i hope that made sense.

 

[Soulful]

[MENTION=4855]JGirl[/MENTION] Yes, it definitely makes sense. Thank you.

 

[Soulful]

It takes a steady period of reliability to even become a close friend.

I'd want to discuss the change.

That makes sense to me...