Question for INTJs

[hunnybee143]

Let's say you've been in a relationship for a year at most with someone who you immediately fell in love with, things were amazing the first couple months and then you had some major ups and downs that separated you for a little while until you were able to come together and make things work.
You and this person are so committed and involved that when you look 10 years down the road, you even see yourself marrying this person.
So, if 5 years down the road comes, and suddenly you think this isn't the person for you anymore, what would be some examples reasons or occurrences likely to be the cause of your reasoning in this case?

And also, what is the possibility of you just "growing tired" of a relationship, or do you tend to choose someone for lifelong purposes?

 

[highlighter]

I am not an INTJ, but I know INTJs inside and OUT!
and as an INFJ male I kinda think I know where your coming from with this question.

First and foremost is to understand the core of the type, and the core of the INTJ is this...
"PROVE IT"
"Effective"

that's it, everything will go back to this no matter what, these two factors are stronger than what you as an INFJ will consider to be "love"
to answer your question why would an INTJ male end a relationship or get out of a once "effective" relationship is simple. The relationship is simply not "effective" anymore. This is not about having fun....enjoying company....INTJs are not "fun" people they are more sick in the mud types. INTJs are about controlling the situation to "feel" as they are feeling(Fi). IF they are happy and getting drunk GREAT everyone party up....if they are being reserved and prude...than you better stop partying! they dont give half a shit how the group is feeling. take that one further they dont give half a shit how you are feeling.
now they are not demons....they dont wanna hurt you per say or want you unhappy...but hey you need to get with THIER program....or this relationship is simply not effective.
Now an INTJ will with ALL their glorious logic will state the this effective or lack of effective relationship is best if ended for both parties. they will say something like they have looked at for Your side as well, and this is a Half truth....yeah they most likely did and thought well its better for the INFJ to be with someone that loves them they way they want and need....BUT DONT for one moment ever think that they thought of that FIRST, no way in hell. No they thought of how the relationship is not EFFECTIVE for them! and than rationalized it for you with out your consent.
NTs are about "rational love" love because it makes sense because its effective, NOT what you would think of as love being a powerful... higher power that is beyond words AND emotions, its love INFJ love simply is, and there is no sacrifice too great for love, and love means something.

see the difference?
remember INTJs are Fi users....and that says ALOT. I honestly cant deal with Fi users well, unless they are NFPs for some reason they are not as bad.

I dont think an INTJ will grow tired in a relationship, there are not xNTPs that get bored, so that would not be the answer its the idea that the relationship is not effective for them....and effective could be alot of things but the effective is the root of this topic,
also remember that something that is effective.....doesnt take alot of HARD WORK. something that takes hard work is usually not effective, so ponder that.

If any INTJs take offense sorry YO!.... but I am not really sorry! HAHA!

Also dont argue with an INTJ, its pointless, they wont give in and in a relationship they know they are wrong, cause they are selfish and a relationship is about 2 people..... but it wont matter and in the end you will get upset and angry and they wont care they you are angry anyway. this doesnt mean they win, in fact in this case and INTJ losing an INFJ is worse for the INTJ....the INFJ will gain freedom, emotional strength sanity. and hopefully an emotional secure and intelligent partner.

The INTJ loses more than they could ever understand and by the time they figure it out its too late.

 

[acd]

Lotta people on this forum got some serious INTJ baggage.... So easy to always blame the other party for a relationship failing.. I hope an INTJ will respond to this OP and give some insight. We have very few, unfortunately... (Gee, wonder why that is! /s)

There's an INTJ forum, on the webs, too...

 

[Eventhorizon]

I think everyone wants to find someone who "completes" them. I do not think anyone is inclined to leave someone who does that. Sometimes people just grow apart.

 

[hunnybee143]

I am not an INTJ, but I know INTJs inside and OUT!
and as an INFJ male I kinda think I know where your coming from with this question.

First and foremost is to understand the core of the type, and the core of the INTJ is this...
"PROVE IT"
"Effective"

that's it, everything will go back to this no matter what, these two factors are stronger than what you as an INFJ will consider to be "love"
to answer your question why would an INTJ male end a relationship or get out of a once "effective" relationship is simple. The relationship is simply not "effective" anymore. This is not about having fun....enjoying company....INTJs are not "fun" people they are more sick in the mud types. INTJs are about controlling the situation to "feel" as they are feeling(Fi). IF they are happy and getting drunk GREAT everyone party up....if they are being reserved and prude...than you better stop partying! they dont give half a shit how the group is feeling. take that one further they dont give half a shit how you are feeling.
now they are not demons....they dont wanna hurt you per say or want you unhappy...but hey you need to get with THIER program....or this relationship is simply not effective.
Now an INTJ will with ALL their glorious logic will state the this effective or lack of effective relationship is best if ended for both parties. they will say something like they have looked at for Your side as well, and this is a Half truth....yeah they most likely did and thought well its better for the INFJ to be with someone that loves them they way they want and need....BUT DONT for one moment ever think that they thought of that FIRST, no way in hell. No they thought of how the relationship is not EFFECTIVE for them! and than rationalized it for you with out your consent.
NTs are about "rational love" love because it makes sense because its effective, NOT what you would think of as love being a powerful... higher power that is beyond words AND emotions, its love INFJ love simply is, and there is no sacrifice too great for love, and love means something.

see the difference?
remember INTJs are Fi users....and that says ALOT. I honestly cant deal with Fi users well, unless they are NFPs for some reason they are not as bad.

I dont think an INTJ will grow tired in a relationship, there are not xNTPs that get bored, so that would not be the answer its the idea that the relationship is not effective for them....and effective could be alot of things but the effective is the root of this topic,
also remember that something that is effective.....doesnt take alot of HARD WORK. something that takes hard work is usually not effective, so ponder that.

If any INTJs take offense sorry YO!.... but I am not really sorry! HAHA!

Also dont argue with an INTJ, its pointless, they wont give in and in a relationship they know they are wrong, cause they are selfish and a relationship is about 2 people..... but it wont matter and in the end you will get upset and angry and they wont care they you are angry anyway. this doesnt mean they win, in fact in this case and INTJ losing an INFJ is worse for the INTJ....the INFJ will gain freedom, emotional strength sanity. and hopefully an emotional secure and intelligent partner.

The INTJ loses more than they could ever understand and by the time they figure it out its too late.

Wow! Haha I absolutely love your response the most so far. for an INFJ you really do understand the INTJ very well. My INTJ and I are very great together, and although he's T and I'm F, he's very in touch with his Fi and me with my Ti and somehow we msnage to know how to speak each other's languages without much effort at all. Almost telepathic. And somehow we finish each other's sentences, which in a sense also applies to how we carry out our lives.

Like you described at some point in your response, he DID try to end things with me claiming that he had looked at both sides and decided it would be best for BOTH of us to part ways.
But honestly, I used my Fe and Ti to come to the conclusion that he was actually basing this off of his Fi fears and I PROVED TO HIM more than at least 3 or 4 times that I am more than serious about this relationship beyond the fantasies of our love life. And now he is talking about wanting us to move in together and eventually marriage.
To me that is a major step considering he brought those up before me.

Thank you very much!

 

[hunnybee143]

Hey there, I'm sorry if you feel that I'm one of many blaming the other time instead of my own. That isn't the case at all.
My lovely INTJ and I have a boundless romantic, rational and telepathic relationship and have gotten through many hurdles on both ends.

However, this post was for me to understand them better so that I can continue witholding a stable relationship by understanding his needs. ☺

 

[hunnybee143]

I think everyone wants to find someone who "completes" them. I do not think anyone is inclined to leave someone who does that. Sometimes people just grow apart.

It really upsets me how so many people mistake the idea of having a partner who "completes" them.

To me, such a thing is no where as literal as yin/yang, but more along the idea of our minds meeting each other while looking in different directions. Everyone is different, and everyone has limits to having their needs met. But the way to truly meet someone's needs entirely also includes the willingness to understand the person you care for and are choosing to commit to. That is, if able to withhold a commitment amd see through to it.

Why does so many assume that the INFJs ideas of soulmates can be as unrealistic as wanting to marry a fictional character? We use Extraverted Sensing and Introverted Thinking combined with our dominant Intuitive and accurate perceptions of the future. This means, we don't create someone in our minds and expect the person we marry one day to be exactly that. But we keep in mind that even with time there will be hurdles, there will ne struggles and even fall outs but what makes a partnership commitment "complete" is the equal drive and willingness from both people to see through to the connection that was initially established.

 

[acd]

Hey there, I'm sorry if you feel that I'm one of many blaming the other time instead of my own. That isn't the case at all.
My lovely INTJ and I have a boundless romantic, rational and telepathic relationship and have gotten through many hurdles on both ends.

However, this post was for me to understand them better so that I can continue witholding a stable relationship by understanding his needs. ☺

If you are responding to my post, I wasn't referring to your OP.

 

[hunnybee143]

If you are responding to my post, I wasn't referring to your OP.

I appreciate that. I guess we were both speaking in general lol.

 

[Tin Man]

Hm, quite a bit of antagonism towards INTJs in this thread. We're not robots. We don't focus purely on what's effective or logical. If a relationship ends, it could be for many reasons. I'm unlikely to end a relationship purely because I've looked at the scenario and come to the conclusion that the person is of no more use to me.

I know we can come across as cold, pedantic and brutally rational, but just as with those who see INFJs as manipulative, overly emotional special snowflakes, that's only a surface opinion. There's a lot of emotional complexity when you go deeper.

I think INTJs are actually more likely to be on the other side of an unexpected ending to a relationship. I remember reading an experience with an INTJ who just saw the end of a long term relationship. On the surface he seemed calm, almost unmoved by the whole thing. But one night, while conversing with an old friend he became very quiet. Suddenly tears were falling from his eyes and he begged his friend to help him keep the relationship together.

I get why people can see us as unfeeling robots. It can take a while to process those emotions. However, that doesn't meant we feel any less or don't let our emotions into our decisions.

Hm, I think if I go any further, I'll be going into "If you prick us, do we not bleed" territory. So I'd best leave the plight of the INTJ at that.

 

[hunnybee143]

Hm, quite a bit of antagonism towards INTJs in this thread. We're not robots. We don't focus purely on what's effective or logical. If a relationship ends, it could be for many reasons. I'm unlikely to end a relationship purely because I've looked at the scenario and come to the conclusion that the person is of no more use to me.

I know we can come across as cold, pedantic and brutally rational, but just as with those who see INFJs as manipulative, overly emotional special snowflakes, that's only a surface opinion. There's a lot of emotional complexity when you go deeper.

I think INTJs are actually more likely to be on the other side of an unexpected ending to a relationship. I remember reading an experience with an INTJ who just saw the end of a long term relationship. On the surface he seemed calm, almost unmoved by the whole thing. But one night, while conversing with an old friend he became very quiet. Suddenly tears were falling from his eyes and he begged his friend to help him keep the relationship together.

I get why people can see us as unfeeling robots. It can take a while to process those emotions. However, that doesn't meant we feel any less or don't let our emotions into our decisions.

Hm, I think if I go any further, I'll be going into "If you prick us, do we not bleed" territory. So I'd best leave the plight of the INTJ at that.

Does my post really come off that way? :/
I don't view INTJs as robots...in fact I've witnessed that their emotions can be just as deep and penetrating as that of the INFJ.

You did help me have a more clear understanding though, that is what I was looking for, thank you.
I just wanted some more personal experience and feedback from others because it really is difficult to understand the INTJ soley based on type descriptions.

I love my INTJ with all of my heart and soul and he has told me the same directly in return. He makes my heart move in ways that no other type has and we have moved mountains together, crossed some of the bumpiest roads and only come back stronger.

Your story was very touching and refreshing. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Hm, quite a bit of antagonism towards INTJs in this thread. We're not robots. We don't focus purely on what's effective or logical. If a relationship ends, it could be for many reasons. I'm unlikely to end a relationship purely because I've looked at the scenario and come to the conclusion that the person is of no more use to me.

I know we can come across as cold, pedantic and brutally rational, but just as with those who see INFJs as manipulative, overly emotional special snowflakes, that's only a surface opinion. There's a lot of emotional complexity when you go deeper.

I think INTJs are actually more likely to be on the other side of an unexpected ending to a relationship. I remember reading an experience with an INTJ who just saw the end of a long term relationship. On the surface he seemed calm, almost unmoved by the whole thing. But one night, while conversing with an old friend he became very quiet. Suddenly tears were falling from his eyes and he begged his friend to help him keep the relationship together.

I get why people can see us as unfeeling robots. It can take a while to process those emotions. However, that doesn't meant we feel any less or don't let our emotions into our decisions.

Hm, I think if I go any further, I'll be going into "If you prick us, do we not bleed" territory. So I'd best leave the plight of the INTJ at that.

I can't believe you won't get reported for this. You used the term SNOWFLAKE, that's ban territory there mister.

 

[James]

Does my post really come off that way? :/
I don't view INTJs as robots...in fact I've witnessed that their emotions can be just as deep and penetrating as that of the INFJ.

I think your posts were fine. My mother was infj and my father was intj and they were great together. I think it's more about the person than "the type" though.

They truly loved and respected each other, and ultimately that's what it's all about isn't it ? I think if you're with the right person you know it. Oddly I'd say intj tend to be almost F type in close relationships. Though of course they will try to hide that from most people, lol.

Good luck.

 

[Vigilance]

I voted 'usually, I don't take relationships very seriously' unless I see a potential girlfriend or wifey material, but that develops from me taking relationships not very seriously from the start. I mean I may one day see you as wifey or a potential girlfriend if my feelings develop for you. Otherwise, I start most of my relationships as is and don't take them seriously. That's the fun of it. No point of taking them serious from the start. That's how all relationships should start.

If I choose to spend my life with you, I still may end up leaving you if we don't get along down the road. I mean divorces happen? What's your point? You've never heard of divorces or breakups?

By the way, you ask a very vague question. No humans are alike and no INTJs are alike.

 

[MEI]

This very obviously depends on the individual in question, not just their MBTI- personality type. Having said that, if I was to get to the point where I sincerely felt like I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone, I would not be inclined to change my mind. I'm looking to find a partnership through the good AND the bad, and I'm pretty sure most INTJs would agree. The problem is getting them to that point in the first place. It will probably take your INTJ, given it's a mature one, many years before they can safely say that you are the person they want to place their bets on. What they tell you leading up to that might not necessarily reflect their internal process, because they are aware that SO's seldom respond well to "Oh baby I love you, but you're still under evaluation". Relax, just let them lay their puzzle in peace. If you're a good match and your INTJ doesn't have unfinished processes they need to deal with themselves, they will stick by your side.

Some INTJs have trouble connecting to other people in the first place. However, given the fact that INFJs are apt at feeling people out, they should probably use those skills to evaluate their INTJ's emotional capacity before getting seriously involved.

What would make me change my mind down the road despite deciding I'm in it for the long run is if the other party cheats or turns chronically passive aggressive/manipulative. I would also leave if we for one reason or the other simply cannot coexist healthily and productively anymore. If I (after ample time given the length of the relationship) conclude my SO really is better off without me or vice versa I will probably end things and suffer the loss of my love knowing what I did was right for both of us. Having arrived at that point it would probably take a lot to make me change my mind, because I know people in love feel a lot of things and have all these emotional fantasy worlds built up that don't necessarily correspond to how reality plays out long- term. I don't think I would leave because I felt some crucial ephemeral spark had died, though I would mourn it and try to rekindle it.

What us INTJs are very good at is feeling things while simultaneously doing our best to separate ourselves from those emotions in order to respond to the facts. Less balanced INTJs feel a lot of things, deny that fact, hide behind a robot mask and try to rationalise their fancies using that famous Logic.

 

[hunnybee143]

I voted 'usually, I don't take relationships very seriously' unless I see a potential girlfriend or wifey material, but that develops from me taking relationships not very seriously from the start. I mean I may one day see you as wifey or a potential girlfriend if my feelings develop for you. Otherwise, I start most of my relationships as is and don't take them seriously. That's the fun of it. No point of taking them serious from the start. That's how all relationships should start.

If I choose to spend my life with you, I still may end up leaving you if we don't get along down the road. I mean divorces happen? What's your point? You've never heard of divorces or breakups?

By the way, you ask a very vague question. No humans are alike and no INTJs are alike.

There's no need for you to take offense to this. The reason that my question was VAGUE /is/ because you are all different. I didn't expect all answers to be the same, the purpose was so that I can understand different perspectives and perceptions.

Of course I have heard of divorce. Coming from a thinker type such as yourself, I wouldn't expect you to come up with such an obvious question.

 

[Vigilance]

There's no need for you to take offense to this. The reason that my question was VAGUE /is/ because you are all different. I didn't expect all answers to be the same, the purpose was so that I can understand different perspectives and perceptions.

Of course I have heard of divorce. Coming from a thinker type such as yourself, I wouldn't expect you to come up with such an obvious question.

Your point is well-taken.

 

[feelsbad]

I rarely give girls (for a romantic relationship) a chance to get into my life. I'm highly selective and 95% will never have a chance I guess.
I'm an INTJ, but also a very complicated person. It's hard to deal with me I guess. But when I give a chance, I usually do this because I really feel sympathy this person.
I think I would never leave an INFJ, especially not if we were in a relationship. Why should I?
If she would love me, then that's fine. If she gets tired of me, then she would probably leave, but I wouldn't want this. But I would never see a reason to leave someone.
So yeah if I would be having a relationship, this would mean I fully trust them to the point where I would expect this lasting for eternity.

I am pretty loyal, I think INTJs are even more loyal people than INFJs. We are also better at forgiving than INFJs. Some INFJs never forgive.