Potential relatonships...is this normal?

5r6jhd

5r6jhd

I put on my robe and wizard hat.
Banned
MBTI
ENFJ
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2
I don't really know what's wrong with me, I feel bad about this...but this is just the way I seem to be.

I'd like to be in a relationship, I do get lonely just on my own, but I have this problem.

It's not that I don't get offers...I do. Guy are either not interested at all or really interested. The problem is me. I seem to get really picky. Even if I think I might really like a guy, I'll go out with him and find something about his appearance or some little thing he does...some little quirk, or way he speaks to decide i dislike and decide to not give it a shot.

I'm not shallow, don't get me wrong. Most of the guys I have dated have been fairly average looking. I Think I'm just scared, so I look for excuses. I really hate it though.
 
You are drawn to guys you don't like, at least you are wise enough to not pursue it. Try dating some one who bugs you right off the bat.
 
Whoopsies! Also apologies for the forum this is in...my computer is being really slow and buggy and my mouse is jumping around the place.

Stu, I'm curious as to why you say date guys that bug you?
 
If I get you right, you will date a fellow that you fancy if he isn't too infatuated with you. You may not be sure exactly what it is that you like about him but as soon as you start to get to know him you immediately pull away, like you have made a mistake. Let's say that the negative reaction is your intuition warning you off because what you find attractive (and it may not be physical) is wrong for you.

If that is the case then it is not unreasonable to assume that a fellow who bugs you, perhaps for a reason you can not put your finger on, has a quality that you actually want. It might be interesting to see what your reaction to him is after a date. (of course don't date some abusive unfeeling lout)

Just be sure the guy has a sense of humor.
 
Neverwhere, I found your post really interesting. I am an INFJ and my first serious relationship turned out to be with an ENTP.

In the back of my mind, I always envisioned myself not dating until I had finished college or had found a secure job. Of course, looking back now I see that wish was a little narrow-minded since I meet people everyday and one day, met my ENTP boyfriend. Like you, we naturally and totally "clicked": mentally, physically, emotionally and we started a relationship. Six months into the relationship, I wanted to break it off with him because of these "feelings" I had. You know, after getting to know him more personally. He was persistent and we ended up together for about 4 years after that.

I'm now working and graduated from university but I have to admit that that breakup was one of the lowest and most challenging experiences I've faced. I would say to really make some time for yourself and see if you can pinpoint whether it is you that is just drawing back to protect yourself, or if in fact, there is something about him that you really don't like, ie. dishonesty, drugs. We can change all the time within ourselves, ultimately it's up to you in that moment to see how you feel and mesh with this guy. A relationship can be a big commitment both in terms of time and emotional investment (especially for some very strong-feeling-preference INFJs).
 
passionista said:
Neverwhere, I found your post really interesting. I am an INFJ and my first serious relationship turned out to be with an ENTP.

In the back of my mind, I always envisioned myself not dating until I had finished college or had found a secure job. Of course, looking back now I see that wish was a little narrow-minded since I meet people everyday and one day, met my ENTP boyfriend. Like you, we naturally and totally "clicked": mentally, physically, emotionally and we started a relationship. Six months into the relationship, I wanted to break it off with him because of these "feelings" I had. You know, after getting to know him more personally. He was persistent and we ended up together for about 4 years after that.

I'm now working and graduated from university but I have to admit that that breakup was one of the lowest and most challenging experiences I've faced. I would say to really make some time for yourself and see if you can pinpoint whether it is you that is just drawing back to protect yourself, or if in fact, there is something about him that you really don't like, ie. dishonesty, drugs. We can change all the time within ourselves, ultimately it's up to you in that moment to see how you feel and mesh with this guy. A relationship can be a big commitment both in terms of time and emotional investment (especially for some very strong-feeling-preference INFJs).
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This post scares me. I've been excessively close to INFJs without ever getting one (as yet), but Jesus Crust, do I fear the long term stuff... the idea that I might randomly come along and pervert the mind of some poor INFJ? How heartbreaking.

._.
 
Haha so glad that someone loves INFJs! I always get into relationships with people that just get irritated by my INFJness :P

[MENTION=4882]passionista[/MENTION]...what is up with us and our innability to leave bad relationships?? My last relationship was with an ESTJ. He wasn't a bad guy, just a little messed up, and as an ESTJ didn't really get me and couldn't really give me what I needed in a lot of ways...part of it to do with his messed up mother situation, but ANYWAY. I tried to break it off and he begged me not to, so i stuck at it for a while longer, but in the end it had to end. We;ve still been seeing each other on and off, not in a proper way, but I found it devastating cause I always seemed to want something more from him even though I didn't want to want it!

[MENTION=5358]unpersons[/MENTION]... yeah thats the problem with us INFJs. Even if we really don't want a relationship, or think we don't want a relationship, if we let ourselves get too close to someone romantically we get too attatched and want more. I hate that about myself. I like to think of myself as carefree and not needing anyone like that, lies...its all lies! :P
 
Neverwhere said:
... Guy are either not interested at all or really interested. The problem is me. I seem to get really picky. Even if I think I might really like a guy, I'll go out with him and find something about his appearance or some little thing he does...some little quirk, or way he speaks to decide i dislike and decide to not give it a shot.

I'm not shallow
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Dating average looking guys doesnt remove your shallowness. Lets face it, you are shallow. But dont be embarrassed by who you are.

The remedy is pretty obvious, do the opposite of what you are doing now. Luckily youve identified your problem behaviors and now you can stop being so picky and give people the benefit of the doubt.
 
Neverwhere said:
Haha so glad that someone loves INFJs! I always get into relationships with people that just get irritated by my INFJness :P

[MENTION=4882]passionista[/MENTION]...what is up with us and our innability to leave bad relationships?? My last relationship was with an ESTJ. He wasn't a bad guy, just a little messed up, and as an ESTJ didn't really get me and couldn't really give me what I needed in a lot of ways...part of it to do with his messed up mother situation, but ANYWAY. I tried to break it off and he begged me not to, so i stuck at it for a while longer, but in the end it had to end. We;ve still been seeing each other on and off, not in a proper way, but I found it devastating cause I always seemed to want something more from him even though I didn't want to want it!
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I think I have a problem with this as well, I get caught up on friendships/relationships... it's hard for me to let go when I've really gotten to "know" someone.
 
I don't think that being honest about someone's looks makes someone shallow. You really can't blame someone for craving some sort of spark… but it doesn't happen very often.

My advice to everyone is that you really shouldn't actively look for a relationship-- just hang out with your friends, have fun, do your thing, and meet other people… and then one day you'll inevitably run into someone who you click with.

It actually makes me really sad that so many people end up getting into relationships that they have no interest in, because if I met someone I really liked and they were involved, I would probably just feel disappointed and move on.

Really, I don't think that traditional relationships are suited to people anymore… some people fall for the whole 'it's a sign of maturity' thing, but really a good friend is the most important relationship you could ever have with anyone.
 
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I think being picky can be a good thing; it can increase your chance of ending up with a more compatible partner. If you find yourself nitpicking traits of potential romantic interests, to me that suggests you might have globally had a sense that the person in question was not quite right for you, for whatever reason(s). Perhaps keep looking until you find that person who wholeheartedly captures your interest.

Edit: If, on the other hand, your reservations are with regards to relationships holistically, I would suggest allowing yourself more time to be single until you feel more comfortable with the idea of pursuing a new partner.
 
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uberrogo said:
Dating average looking guys doesnt remove your shallowness. Lets face it, you are shallow. But dont be embarrassed by who you are.

The remedy is pretty obvious, do the opposite of what you are doing now. Luckily youve identified your problem behaviors and now you can stop being so picky and give people the benefit of the doubt.
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I'm not typically a shallow person. That's not to say we're all not a little shallow. It doesn't matter what you look like exactly, but if I'm not attracted to you at all in any way, that's a problem. Shallowness issue aside, I have to wholeheartedly disagree with you. I think I was just feeling a bit down about myself, but I have to agree with what others have said here. My pickyness isn't a bad thing. I haven't been super shallow while being picky....I've felt generally uncomftorable and a deep set unease with these people. It's not that there's anything wrong with them per se, it was probably my intuition telling me that it wasn't right.

I don't really want a relationship right now anyway, I'm happy on my own. I think I just attract the wrong people!

[MENTION=4798]Endersgone[/MENTION] from the little research I've done on INFJs, the innability to leave a bad relationship seems to be a problematic trait of the INFJ!

I think this is more about my not understanding my own intuition. Since joining this forum I've learned so much!
 
Neverwhere said:
I haven't been super shallow while being picky....I've felt generally uncomftorable and a deep set unease with these people.
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I'm really puzzled as to how you ended up in relationships with people like this. I guess that girls can more easily take the passive role and just sort of go with it and if it's a certain kind of guy he probably wouldn't even realize that that's what you're doing. That's not good for you or him… because if you get into this kind of thing then he'll either not realize that you're unhappy and then wonder why you're breaking up with him, or end up thinking that you were stringing him along for your own ego. Also, if you let it go far enough, he'll end up approaching the next relationship the same way and won't learn anything.

Girls don't owe guys their affections (some guys actually think this, especially if they're really bitter/beta/rejected), but you do owe them honesty-- everyone owes everyone that. If they're decent guys then most of the time they're putting themselves out there 100% and it's actually kind of hard to do that so every time you don't tell them no when you know it's a no means you're letting them torture themselves. As painful as it may seem, most guys will respect a cold, direct no more than a drawn-out mixed-signal no. If you don't know how you feel, then say that… especially if you find that you're spending a lot of time together.

I don't know why it's so hard for people to be honest about these things. There should be a rule that you can just come out and say 'no, it's not going to happen', 'I like you, but I don't know for sure yet', or 'It's looking pretty good'… but I guess some people don't even know how they feel, or think that it's all supposed to happen in a very specific way.

If you're in your 20s you should be at least two thirds of the way to knowing what you want out of life and who you are, as well as what is probably going to make you happy in the long term… it would be a lot easier if people sat down and tried to figure these things out before they started hooking up with people that they're not compatible with, and then getting upset when it doesn't work out.
 
Apone said:
I'm really puzzled as to how you ended up in relationships with people like this. I guess that girls can more easily take the passive role and just sort of go with it and if it's a certain kind of guy he probably wouldn't even realize that that's what you're doing. That's not good for you or him… because if you get into this kind of thing then he'll either not realize that you're unhappy and then wonder why you're breaking up with him, or end up thinking that you were stringing him along for your own ego. Also, if you let it go far enough, he'll end up approaching the next relationship the same way and won't learn anything.

Girls don't owe guys their affections (some guys actually think this, especially if they're really bitter/beta/rejected), but you do owe them honesty-- everyone owes everyone that. If they're decent guys then most of the time they're putting themselves out there 100% and it's actually kind of hard to do that so every time you don't tell them no when you know it's a no means you're letting them torture themselves. As painful as it may seem, most guys will respect a cold, direct no more than a drawn-out mixed-signal no. If you don't know how you feel, then say that… especially if you find that you're spending a lot of time together.

I don't know why it's so hard for people to be honest about these things. There should be a rule that you can just come out and say 'no, it's not going to happen', 'I like you, but I don't know for sure yet', or 'It's looking pretty good'… but I guess some people don't even know how they feel, or think that it's all supposed to happen in a very specific way.

If you're in your 20s you should be at least two thirds of the way to knowing what you want out of life and who you are, as well as what is probably going to make you happy in the long term… it would be a lot easier if people sat down and tried to figure these things out before they started hooking up with people that they're not compatible with, and then getting upset when it doesn't work out.
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Well that felt a little confrontational! haha

I think you're mixing up relationships with dating. Obviously no one just launches into a relationship without getting to know the other person a little bit. There's nothing wrong with going on a few dates with a guy to try it out....thats how people end up in relationships, right? I think this is more me venting my frustrations at my own weirdness and how I don't seem to be compatiable with anyone.

I agree with you on the honesty front. I'm very honest. The last two guys I dated (the one I was dating for a month or two...the other only got one date) I've been perfectly upfront in saying "I'm sorry, I don't see this going anywhere." The second guy actually got quite angry with me for saying I wasn't interested. So yeah, no where have I said I string guys along. At all.

Also...it's not always that easy. You don't go on one or two dates and automatically know your comatability with someone else. My last proper boyfriend was a bit of a mess. We spent a huge amount of time together and got on amazingly. We finally decided to progress to a full on relationship, and it was great for a while. We had similiar interests, we got on really with each others friends, we had similiar views on a lot of things etc. It wasn't until 6 plus months down the road the major differences between us started to really clearly show up. There's nothing dishonest about that....thats taking a chance on someone and getting to know them better.

What we want in life can change, knowing doesn't exactly mean you know what person is 100% right for you. Dating and relationships in general are always a gamble.
 
My 2 cents:

Just make friends and stop cutting people off. The people you are cutting off might be exactly what you are looking for. Maybe you aren't falling in love with anyone because you are not allowing yourself the time to meet their true character.

Don't consider it dating, consider it having guy friends. Dates are stupid, I think they inherently create insincerity, like a job interview.

P.S. You are very pretty, I like your style with the collared shirt, dark hair and such. I love when chicks dress like that.
 
Neverwhere said:
Well that felt a little confrontational! haha
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Sorry I wasn't trying to be confrontational and I don't really know you so I was trying to imagine a situation where you could be in a relationship with someone you felt uneasy with and the only thing I could come up with was that you were super passive... but yeah, if you're just talking about dating then that makes sense.

I don't think that you're weird for wishing that dating was easier... unfortunately it only gets harder as you get older... and then it pretty much turns into a wasteland where you're sort of wandering around in a radioactive fog, calling out 'is anyone THERE?' over and over, but at the same time you don't want to make too much noise or the zombies will hear you.
 
Perhaps, instead of looking for a boyfriend, just look for a guy to be your friend. If something romantic emerges, it'll go better for you.

When something starts with a romantic spark, that spark has a way of covering over faults you don't like about someone. When that spark is gone, there's nothing left. However, if you start with real friendship and a romantic spark emerges - there will be someone you like and love at once. If the spark dies, there is still something there: a person you care for.
 
Neverwhere said:
[MENTION=5358]unpersons[/MENTION]... yeah thats the problem with us INFJs. Even if we really don't want a relationship, or think we don't want a relationship, if we let ourselves get too close to someone romantically we get too attatched and want more. I hate that about myself. I like to think of myself as carefree and not needing anyone like that, lies...its all lies! :P
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INFJs are like, as a whole the least carefree type I've had the pleasure to observe in their natural environments... lol.
 
Neverwhere said:
I don't really know what's wrong with me, I feel bad about this...but this is just the way I seem to be.

I'd like to be in a relationship, I do get lonely just on my own, but I have this problem.

It's not that I don't get offers...I do. Guy are either not interested at all or really interested. The problem is me. I seem to get really picky. Even if I think I might really like a guy, I'll go out with him and find something about his appearance or some little thing he does...some little quirk, or way he speaks to decide i dislike and decide to not give it a shot.

I'm not shallow, don't get me wrong. Most of the guys I have dated have been fairly average looking. I Think I'm just scared, so I look for excuses. I really hate it though.
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My current situation is so similar to yours. Same with the offers - but it's always people I don't feel that chemistry with... the people that *I* really like, I get nervous and weird. If you've ever watched the movie Morning Glory with Rachel McAdams... I am *just* like her character in so many ways - especially romantically speaking!!
 
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