Polyamory | INFJ Forum

Polyamory

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iauiugu

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Mar 31, 2012
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For most of life, I assumed I wanted a lifelong relationship with a single partner, who I would devote my emotional, mental and spiritual energy towards. Now, I'm not so sure. Please bear with me as I try to explain, because in my experience most INFJs are into monogamy, but I would like to delve a bit deeper into why.

First, I am in a relationship with an INTP who is a better partner than I ever imagined someone could be. But we are officially in a sort of open relationship, with the long-term potential of it becoming a polyamorous relationship (we would be each others' primary partners, while we would also have other partners, either regularly or otherwise).

To my own surprise, I don't see the purpose of complete fidelity. I don't feel jealous when my partner is intimate with others, as he has been around me. I enjoy seeing their shared pleasure, and feel no reason to join in myself. My partner is too insecure to allow me to do much with others, which I presently don't mind. I haven't met anyone I would want to be intimate with except for him, as I haven't found anyone else I am romantically attracted to, except for a female-bodied friend. We are trying to work out a foursome with her and her boyfriend.

I have a much lower sex drive than him, and than average, I think. But sexual desire is a very small part of how I desire meaningfully connecting with people. I get a lot more out of masturbation than sex, honestly, but I enjoy nothing more than cuddling.

When I feel a deep emotional connection with someone, I want to express it physically. It just seems part of the total process of communicating my love to others, not something to limit to a single individual.

If my partner should leave me, I would still be happy knowing he's with someone else who makes him happy. I can never see leaving him though, and he endlessly assures me he will never be able to leave me.

I hope this makes sense, as I am still trying to figure out my feelings myself. I am curious how this corresponds with my personality type, if it in any ways does.
 
I think there are two reasons for monogamy:

1. People need someone that they can depend on completely.
2. Children need a stable home.

I think both of these can probably also be achieved with polyamorous relationships in modern society, so I guess the biggest problem would be a lack of accepted norms which would likely lead to a lot of misunderstandings if the two partners were not very good at communicating. In short, I'm not against polyamory in principle, but I think it would be difficult (though not impossible) to do well in practise, and would therefore be very wary of it.

Also, finding two people who love each other is hard enough, finding more must be harder still.
 
TDMmyriad said:
I think there are two reasons for monogamy:

1. People need someone that they can depend on completely.
2. Children need a stable home.
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Your second reason is incorrect.
Polyamory proposes stability via redundancy. Have you noticed the increasing need for women to have jobs? School teachers are now our babysitters because we're too busy to raise our children.

Also, why are we (YOU) posting under fake accounts?
 
You may well be right, although I still think that monogamy *can* be more stable, if only because the participants are often more comfortable with it (polyamory has the problem that often not all of the participants are fully happy with the relationship).

I don't know what you mean about fake accounts, can you explain more?
 
It's not a personality type thing, it's a self-choice.
 
I think it requires emotional maturity, or at least being without ego/insecurity. It might require special experience with relationships. I imagine people who were just fine in monogamous relationship have no reason/desire to have it any other way.
 
I find the mixing of romance, economic stability and familial stability to be pretty risky in itself. I realize I never specified how I would want to have my family structure, which would be having a single partner and kids, with additional relationships on the side. In this way, if the romance with my primary partner were to end, we would maintain our economic and familial obligations to one another as they are our primary obligations.

I don't see additional partnerships as romances that necessitate permanency, even if I feel that I would want them in my life forever.

I realize this doesn't necessarily have to do with personality, but I am curious how fellow INFJs feel about polyamory in comparison to other forms of relationships, since I've only seem arguments in favor of monogamy on this forum.
 
I think what you choose to do is fine as long as you don't hurt someone else, intentionally.

I personally can't imagine a relationship like yours, but I'm a very different person. I met my wife when she was 21, I was 24. We were kids and have been soul mates for 22 years at this point. I have no tolerance or patience for most people. At least not people I get close to.
I'll help anyone, especially to help themselves. But I'm probably not letting you into my life.

And I have way too many fetishes to even consider having sex with someone else. Big hygiene guy and where you've been and how you care for yourself are a big deal for me. But that's me. hard to get over that when I'm not really sure where you just were.

You don't strike me as an INFJ type personality. But I'm not an expert so what do I know. But I do think personality types are either likely or unlikely for your type of relationship, So that answers your question with my opinion, for what it's worth.
 
Rferraris said:
I think what you choose to do is fine as long as you don't hurt someone else, intentionally.

I personally can't imagine a relationship like yours, but I'm a very different person. I met my wife when she was 21, I was 24. We were kids and have been soul mates for 22 years at this point. I have no tolerance or patience for most people. At least not people I get close to.
I'll help anyone, especially to help themselves. But I'm probably not letting you into my life.

And I have way too many fetishes to even consider having sex with someone else. Big hygiene guy and where you've been and how you care for yourself are a big deal for me. But that's me. hard to get over that when I'm not really sure where you just were.

You don't strike me as an INFJ type personality. But I'm not an expert so what do I know. But I do think personality types are either likely or unlikely for your type of relationship, So that answers your question with my opinion, for what it's worth.
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when it comes to hygiene I'm pretty trusting and confident that I can cover a lot of bases with condoms. plus I don't like hooking up so I would likely have an idea where my partners have been since I'd have to know them pretty well to be interested in coupling with them.

I'm a pretty supportive and loving person to the point of my INTJ boyfriend and close friend are disturbed by my unflagging desire to teach and devote my life to others in some way, but I too dgaf about bonding tightly with most people. for the people I do bond with I don't want or feel the need to have limitations on how I express it. I'm not tight lipped about myself though, because I again dgaf and I find privacy very boring.

I'm really wondering about my MBTI though. INFJ describes me perfectly but I have a lot of deeply rooted and intractable insecurities that probably have had an impact on why some of my traits are outside what is common. plus, straight up, I think I could enjoy some playful sex with someone for mostly there body. I wouldn't want the sex to be impersonal at all, but the goal would be more mutual physical pleasure than emotional fulfillment. I think the fact that my fets have few hygiene problems gives me an advantage.

when people talk about emotional devotion to a single person and soul mates, I find it kinda funny and something I could never do. even if I can never imagine someone better than my partner and I want him to be a constant in my life. I would still never use these terms to describe it.
 
Well that said I wish I had more to offer. My childhood was too unreliable and I grew up watching my mother entertain different guys almost on a nightly basis. She's my mom, so you can imagine my struggle. She's a good friend in a weird way. But reliable is something kids need. At least I did. And have suffered from all the indifference. Think of it this way. If we don't agree that this means something, then you are left without having something be meaningful. That's the life my mother gave me.
Nothing that was ever considered normal by societies standard, whatever that is, applied.

Kinda made me a little too crazy for a lot of people as a kid, in my early 20's.

I hit a bottom and grabbed a girl that somehow made sense. She saved me, and I have dedicated my life to saving hers. So far we still wake up together. Poetic I guess. Not really the way I see it. I'm open minded. Unfortunately you can't surprise me. I've been and seen it all. I just need something I can count on. That's me, and I know how naive it might sound.
Where do you find that. I can count on her and that made the difference.
I can't imagine being intimate with someone else while she is alive. Maybe when's she's gone. Don't know. But like I said that's me. Not better, hopefully not worse than anyone else. Just suffer my own prison. So it's not a judgment on you or what sounds like you having a lot of fun. It sounds very enlightened in some way. You love each other but are secure enough to explore being different people, whatever that is. I'm in no position to pass judgement. What makes me qualified. What makes any of us.

I do think the soul mate might sound funny. I guess it does. But we hold on to each other and it's not cause we wouldn't be people without each other. Just safe. About as safe as you can get. We both came from scatter childhoods and that's the time that makes you who you are.

It can be intense and she knows me in ways that I have no hope of getting anywhere else. Fortunate I don't want to. I do wish you could experience it. Sounds like you haven't. Then at least you could know both and make a decision from that point of view. But then again if you're happy why bother.
 
iauiugu said:
I'm really wondering about my MBTI though. INFJ describes me perfectly but I have a lot of deeply rooted and intractable insecurities that probably have had an impact on why some of my traits are outside what is common.
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Well I wouldn't worry about it I'm an INFJ and I think if you haven't run off with a one eyed sailor, howled at the moon, drank for a month straight, fallen off the stage with a broken tooth and gotten lost in strange and unusual places...tried some state of crazed abandon... you haven't lived. ;d ...yet sometimes I feel like some conservative when the general principle is in question. However we are not general principles and your MBTI doesn't necessarily reflect your behavior. :)

EDIT: And polyamory is very common worldwide.
 
[MENTION=5219]Rferraris[/MENTION] Ah thank you for sharing about your experiences! I hope it doesn't seem like I was passing judgment either, as I didn't intend to.

Perhaps the term soul mate will sound less funny one day, maybe with my current partner, maybe not. He does know me in ways I didn't know people could be known, but that could just be my age and immaturity showing. Time will probably tell. Honestly sometimes I don't know if I can trust myself when it feels my love may come from a place of counseling over something equal, but my perception something so subtle could be off. Perhaps when we're both independent and financially secure it will be more clear.

And with that, I could and have felt very strongly for others, including one friend who I can talk to endlessly. But she's female-bodied and despite identifying as a gay male she's happy with all the straight male attention she receives. But I am still compelled to express how I feel for her physically, and my partner is very supportive of this.

Anyways. I'm getting the feeling that love is beautiful as long as it is compassionate, sympathetic, reciprocal and consensual. Which is cool.
 
What's with this topic's new posters and jumblish nickname?

As far as the topic goes; I think if it works for you, then go ahead.
I personally want to avoid the jealousy, doubt, not to mention the concern over "OMG does he love me the most / MORE / LESS than the other partner!?"
If you don't have all those traits, then all the best for you.
But as far as jealousy goes, take note not only you and your partner, but your other partners, and his other partners. Depending on how much you want drama in your relationships.....you'd probably want everyone to be happy and fulfilled and-- willing to share.....no? *confused*
 
iauiugu posted

"Anyways. I'm getting the feeling that love is beautiful as long as it is compassionate, sympathetic, reciprocal and consensual. Which is cool."

If I meant to say anything in our conversation, I think you said it for me.

Thanks
 
BUMP

I was going to make a thread about this, but found it already exists. I first came across the precise concept on INTP forum; I find it quite interesting and even liberating. As a few posters have said, it is a personal choice. For me, the idea is quite seductive (forgive the double-entendre!), but there could perhaps be a few pitfalls in the practice thereof.

At the very least, incorporating the idea into my understanding of relationships and, especially, the way other people approach them, is helping me perhaps be less rigid in my interpretation of other people's choices and subsequent actions. IMO, one of the most difficult things in this life is understanding other people, and I find the more open to foreign ideas I am, the easier it becomes.

Hope to see this topic discussed some more.
 
Trifoilum said:
I personally want to avoid the jealousy, doubt, not to mention the concern over "OMG does he love me the most / MORE / LESS than the other partner!?"
Click to expand...

I don't think this is something you can avoid in monogomous relationships either. Since when were monogamous relationships known to be free of jealousy and doubt? Sometimes people in reality have stronger feelings for other people or have feelings for more than one person, but can't express this even to their own partner because it's not really conducive to sustaining a monogomous relationship. If you don't only have feelings for this one person, why stay with them, right? But these people want to stay with their one partner anyway, for the sake of conventionality, of consistency, of responsibility, or who knows what.

With polyamory, it is acknowledged that there is no reason for anyone to be anything but honest to one another. If you are sad that someone you love a lot loves someone else even more, then you have the freedom to continue searching the world for others to help fill your life, and the pleasure in knowing that your closest partner has the ability to do the same and reach more fulfillment and happiness while still having a role in your life.

Actually, I don't know how polyamory works. This is just how I imagine it does.
 
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