Optimal Distinctiveness
- Thread starter Sriracha
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Society is the mask that personality hides behind, identity the mirror through which we reflect the world. Imo, when the second becomes subservient and/or congruent to the first, there will be guaranteed personal crises (teenage years are a great example of this).
Separating the two has mostly been easy for me - I managed to mingle in society without defining myself by its' definitions. Sometimes this brought loneliness when I did not compromise myself for the environment I was in, but such is the road. My personal identity is infinitely more important to me than the social, but the social mask is needed to use it productively. This is something that took a while to learn. I haven't found the perfect balance yet - something tells me it is impossible because life is not static enough to allow it - but not confusing the two identities has made the search much easier.
I am as I seem to whomever I seem for as long as I seem.
Identity is everybit as useful (EG useless) as the `average preferences' of the MBTI given instantaneous preferences.
If I eschew fixedness -- of function or identity -- then I must eschew `identity' as if the ink blots every really ARE as they seem.
Social identity is bullshit as people can get together and fabricate a `reputation' or `identity' via gossip and hearsay.
Personal identity is no less obnoxious to me; I am as I function and as I do ... not any fixed self-image which discounts my actual deeds, thoughts, and emotions.
They are both subspecies of bullshit for me.
You can place any adjective you'd like affront `identity' to try to change it's persistent, muddled-average nature.
To be -- or not to be -- `similar to others'?
Mental masturbation.
The similarities and differences both qualify as projective ... as apperceived.
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You are you. There is no such thing as normal. I just find the psychology/sociology fascinating. If we were all alike, what a boring world this would be. No need for apologies.
My concern is that in your writing you seem to be upset about the social groups ... and then you don't care ... and then you want to always be yourself ... and then you go back to being irritated again.
I don't care if people want to have social groups; what I am irritated about is that they advertise them as activism groups and then they go about and make it a social group and act like if you want to actually do activism stuff you're a horrible person. Then they all fight with each other and the group disbands rather quickly (these social groups literally never last) and they wonder why in the world things didn't work out.
I care, it annoys me, and I do want to be myself. But there are ways of being yourself which is appropriate. For example with my friends I joke around and we hang out and we do fun activities. That just isn't appropriate for activist groups that have a goal and are trying to fill a purpose. Sure you can do fun team-building activities to build rapport with others, and if you end up getting on with someone you can get together outside of the group and hang out. But I don't personally think socializing in such an extreme way belongs in activism groups....actual social groups I stay clear of because I know I won't like them. It's just frustrating that most activism groups end up becoming a social group.
Have you ever seen Ingmar Bergman's 'Persona'? It addresses the relationship between public and private identities by using the metaphor of a talkative nurse undergoing a covert character study by an actress who claims to have suffered a nervous breakdown of sorts and lost the ability to speak.
So that's how I understand it-- there's a silent watcher who records and critiques everything in order to perfect the part it's going to play... and the public identity, which is insecure and naive despite its best efforts to appear competent and in control.
In my job I definitely have to put on a persona that's agreeable, selfless, objective, critical and conservative in order to meet certain expectations-- it's not really a case of desiring to be similar to others but rather a desire to be professional and therefore succeed. When I began I was always trying to fulfill other people's expectations, but I soon realized that this was extremely difficult for me so I basically just started drawing on the best aspects of myself and combined them into this sort of extroverted whole that's not exactly me and not exactly someone else... and that's when I finally started to succeed.
It would be nice to assume that that is who I am, but in less structured environments I have an extremely hard time reproducing that persona, and when I'm alone I only vaguely identify with it at all... I'm not sure if it's because I subconsciously want to differentiate myself (because it would actually be nice if I could like that all the time) or because the expectations have shifted and conformity has become something else. Or maybe it has something to do with different group dynamics and the roles that different personalities fulfill within those groups-- for example, there are groups in which leaders can become outcasts, and if the circumstances are right could even conform to that role and ironically differentiate themselves from the others in order to signal that they are in fact, fulfilling that role. The same goes for leaders, and lieutenants and jesters and mystics and foot soldiers... in high school my 'gang' definitely had that sort of organization, and I don't think you ever really lose that sense of leaders and followers and underlings and outcasts.
This is quite a complex and fascinating topic!
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My personal identity is the core of who I am and my social identity is based on my personal identity. I would have to say I continually move in and out of being similar to others and differentiating myself, sometimes within the course of one conversation. Sometimes I swing more towards one or the other depending on how I am feeling, the situation, circumstances, and the people I am with.
Now that you have described the movie, the video attached to this song makes sense.
[video=youtube;3RLJwCT7BDA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RLJwCT7BDA[/video]
It's as though your words came from my mouth! I often think this is also why my MBTI scores come out differently at times. Half the time I realize I need to answer with how I feel in my "inner core", but that is not often how I act in my social surroundings. It's not an identity crisis, it's that balance stated in order to function in society.
It's not just INFJs who have this trouble. Think of some overbearing extroverts who need to tone it down in social settings. It's not who they are, but they either do or don't know it is the behavior they must take with introverts. Think of some of the most successful "Es" who are in upper management, learn to step back and allow their counter-parts to work on their own accord. It goes against their grain, but they know not wedging their way into someone else's project will yield a better outcome. Overbearing attitude among peers = social outcast (as you described above.)
This is a very interesting concept. I hadnt heard the term before I read this thread but I absolutely understand the phenomon of optimal distinctiveness.
I have observed this in just about every group and organisation I have been involved in. People want to fit in and be normal, but they also want to be unique and special. Its literally like people trying to find that line between fitting in and standing out.
I dont think that I have any real desire to be similar or different to others. But Im also very fortunate in the sense that I have a great, happy life and do not need to seek approval or acceptance from others. Although I can enjoy interacting in groups I cant help but be hyperware of group dynamics. Even when I'm interacting comfortably in group situations, I still feel that Im still somehow separate and I can't stop my observing role. This awareness often helps me not get too involved in the dramas and politics of the group itself.
I like to seek common ground, connect and relate with everyone. Sometimes, mostly out of respect, I may modify my actions and behaviours to be more appropriate to others. When in Rome...But this modification only goes so far and I will only tolerate it for so long. Eventually I will need time and space to just be myself and not have to worry about others. I cherish the people in my life that Im close to because I can be completely honest with them and dont have to play these annoying games with them.
On certain occasions- job seeking, house hunting, work meetings etc I use optimal distinctness to my advantage by knowing what is expected or desired of me from others, and then simply fulfilling those expectations. These are normally empty transactions, devoid of any 'real' interaction. I see them simply as playing a role and fulfilling an expectation. I do not enjoy these interactions and only do them to get by.
I have observed this in just about every group and organisation I have been involved in. People want to fit in and be normal, but they also want to be unique and special. Its literally like people trying to find that line between fitting in and standing out.
I dont think that I have any real desire to be similar or different to others. But Im also very fortunate in the sense that I have a great, happy life and do not need to seek approval or acceptance from others. Although I can enjoy interacting in groups I cant help but be hyperware of group dynamics. Even when I'm interacting comfortably in group situations, I still feel that Im still somehow separate and I can't stop my observing role. This awareness often helps me not get too involved in the dramas and politics of the group itself.
I like to seek common ground, connect and relate with everyone. Sometimes, mostly out of respect, I may modify my actions and behaviours to be more appropriate to others. When in Rome...But this modification only goes so far and I will only tolerate it for so long. Eventually I will need time and space to just be myself and not have to worry about others. I cherish the people in my life that Im close to because I can be completely honest with them and dont have to play these annoying games with them.
On certain occasions- job seeking, house hunting, work meetings etc I use optimal distinctness to my advantage by knowing what is expected or desired of me from others, and then simply fulfilling those expectations. These are normally empty transactions, devoid of any 'real' interaction. I see them simply as playing a role and fulfilling an expectation. I do not enjoy these interactions and only do them to get by.
It's relieving to be able to relate to this post so much. As I mentioned in another thread, I probably come off very social and extroverted to coworkers, but then we'll have a social outing and I'm drained if I had to work earlier that day and have more social functions to go to after-hours. Someone redirected me to this thread in answer to my question, about feeling like I can't really be my true self all the time - either playing a "work me" or "normal me". It used to be an inner struggle for me and I thought that I was just overly sensitive, it's neat to know I can acknowledge I'm socially drained and need more re-energizing before I go out again. Going out constantly would tire me out and leave me feeling confused, thinking I have two different personalities or something...
Overthinking...