Not capable of falling in love - Difference between romantic/strong friendship? (Part 2)

[Kero]

For a long time I believed that I was not capable of connecting with people on a deep level, despite wanting so much to connect with other people. Some say it’s because I keep on believing that I’m different to people, others say it’s because I have unrealistic standards for forming an emotional connection (they must have this trait etc), or that I’m just asking too much that people are willing to offer outside of a romantic relationship. All these reasons sound like they could possibly true.

I thought about my idea of friendship, and realised that in some ways, it might be similar to other people’s idea of a romantic relationship. Regardless it’s clear that I long for deep connections with people, and not being interested in friendships that don’t possess this depth of connection. Maybe I’m being unfair though for the reasons suggested in the first paragraph.

Now for the topic matter at hand. I’m really starting to believe that it might be true that I’m just not the sort of individual that falls in love with people but instead just becomes attached to them.

I think about if there’s a difference in the two ideas.

I’m open to the idea and seeking a deep emotional connection.
I’m open to the idea and seeking a relationship, should they come.

Ideally if I’m going to be in a relationship with someone, I want to be able to connect to them on a deep level. So, if I don’t believe that we have a deep emotional connection, I won’t even contemplate the idea of being in a relationship. But is this right? Am I just going into a relationship, because I feel and want a connection, rather than because I want the relationship.

In an old thread, I posted a little bit on my INFJ friend about how when she broke things off with me and stay as friends, I was really upset. This would suggest that I had romantic feelings for her, yet prior to this, I’d sometimes be questioning whether I actually in love with her in that way. All I knew was that I was making promises to be around her forever and everything. It’s clear I wanted a deep emotional connection with her, and wanted to be together with her, but was the relationship more focused on the deep connection aspect?

Would it be possible that I just had a deep friendship with her and had convinced myself that my feelings towards her were more than friendship, especially as she wanted to become close in a romantic sense?

The new ESFP friend of mine says tells me that I talk so much about my old INFJ friend that she thought I was not over her, and that I was in love with her at one point. But my own experience of how I acted with my INFJ friend back then suggest that my feelings aren’t so clear cut. To this day, I still can’t tell for sure how I felt because it seems to be in-between the platonic-romantic boundary.

Anyhow the bottom line is that if I wasn’t in love with my INFJ friend, someone who I had a brilliant connection with, then… maybe I’m just not the sort of person that looks for relationships.

 

[qwertysquirt]

Maybe you lost trust from someone in your past. You need to realize that love overcomes all. If you have faith in love, it will come to you.

 

[jlynnr]

In an old thread, I posted a little bit on my INFJ friend about how when she broke things off with me and stay as friends, I was really upset. This would suggest that I had romantic feelings for her, yet prior to this, I’d sometimes be questioning whether I actually in love with her in that way. All I knew was that I was making promises to be around her forever and everything. It’s clear I wanted a deep emotional connection with her, and wanted to be together with her, but was the relationship more focused on the deep connection aspect?

You reminded me of my INFJ ex when you said this. We dated, and then we broke up, and then we were really good friends, and then I said something that really hurt him (on accident, it was along the lines of "Dang, I hope this letter you just wrote me doesn't express your desire to date me again, because I don't think I can handle that"), and he wasn't expecting to be that hurt, and he flipped out and was like "oh crap. ohhh crap. why am I so hurt??" And his "logical" conclusion was that he still liked me and that we needed to date again. (This is the part where you get punched in the face with the irony.)

Well, I took a lot of convincing before I would agree to that. We dated for three months and then he was like "That was really dumb. I want to break up with you."

I guess what happened was that he didn't understand his own reaction to it (lack of Fi) and had to figure it out, and used Ti instead. (His Ti is strong anyways, I sometimes wonder if he's not actually INTP.) It backfired and he attributed an emotion to himself that did not, in fact, exist.

It sounds like you had a similar kind of connection.

I hope that clarified some things for you. It probably wasn't particularly helpful, but maybe it helped clear the waters some...

 

[qwertysquirt]

You reminded me of my INFJ ex when you said this. We dated, and then we broke up, and then we were really good friends, and then I said something that really hurt him (on accident, it was along the lines of "Dang, I hope this letter you just wrote me doesn't express your desire to date me again, because I don't think I can handle that"), and he wasn't expecting to be that hurt, and he flipped out and was like "oh crap. ohhh crap. why am I so hurt??" And his "logical" conclusion was that he still liked me and that we needed to date again. (This is the part where you get punched in the face with the irony.)

Well, I took a lot of convincing before I would agree to that. We dated for three months and then he was like "That was really dumb. I want to break up with you."

I guess what happened was that he didn't understand his own reaction to it (lack of Fi) and had to figure it out, and used Ti instead. (His Ti is strong anyways, I sometimes wonder if he's not actually INTP.) It backfired and he attributed an emotion to himself that did not, in fact, exist.

It sounds like you had a similar kind of connection.

I hope that clarified some things for you. It probably wasn't particularly helpful, but maybe it helped clear the waters some...

I have trouble letting go, even to the least compatible people... It's awful.

 

[randomsomeone]

I am a master of strong friendships!!! I am quite willing to fall in love, but no one seems all that interested in getting to know me...not really. I figure that would probably be important on some level. It's not all their fault...there just aren't that many of "me" around, so they just don't know.

I'm okay with things "as is"....I honestly thing my trusting mechanism is broken. I have been single for a long, long time, so I have found a bypass to that mechanism that keeps me going. Having trouble finding parts to fix the former.