Non talkative boyfriend | INFJ Forum

Non talkative boyfriend

StormyDale

StormyDale

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Jan 11, 2018
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Hi all! I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this and what you ended up doing to resolve it.

I have a boyfriend, we've been together for almost 2.5 years, live together and are soon buying a house. All very much things that say commitment.

But, he doesn't want to get married. Not just to me, but in general. He doesn't believe in the concept. He also doesn't really talk. He's a very private person with his feelings and things that he is close to. Example: He told me that his dad was in the hospital a week after he was admitted (yes, he knew the entire time.)

Our conversations are focused around movies, tv shows, video games, etc. and I do enjoy them, but I have limited knowledge in some of those areas and I have a hard time getting him to talk of anything else.

I guess my main question/though is, how do I get him to open up, is he in this for the long hall? Sometimes he just doesn't seem interested, but that might just be me over thinking. He's literally the only person I can stand to be with 24/7 and I sometimes I feel lonely and I miss him, even when he's in the room with me (completely insane, I know.)

Any thoughts are welcomed!
 
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I’d be interested in why he doesn’t believe in the concept of marriage. I totally understand rejecting the concept of marriage by law, but I am wondering if he has issues making a symbolic commitment of fidelity.

Is there anyone aside from you who he is more comfortable confiding in?
 
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Maybe he's just really quiet and private. From what you've described it doesn't sound like it's personal. I think the key is, does he have other friends or family members that he appears more open with, or is this how he is with everyone?

The thing with his dad being in the hospital sounds a little weird, but tbh I've done similar things before. Not with my SO but with friends/family/co-workers. Revealing "too much" information (as defined by the individual) can open a pandora's box that creates more headaches. Also, if his dad's condition wasn't very serious, maybe he didn't see it as being particularly relevant to tell you. OR maybe it was serious and he didn't feel comfortable discussing his dad's mortality. Lots of possible scenarios here.

As far as how you get him to open up...aside from exploring your common interests I can't think of a whole lot else. My instinct tells me that he won't be the kind of person who enjoys being poked and prodded for information. Has he ever indicated to you that he isn't happy with your relationship?
 
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It sounds like you don't know him that well. I have reservations about you buying a home with a person that you will not be able to properly negotiate monetary terms with, among other things.

Marriage isn't terribly important unless it's important to you personally. If it is, and he's stated he's not interested, then you need to be respectful of his wishes and look elsewhere for what you need for yourself. Thinking you can change him in some way regarding this is more likely to be a losing game for the both of you. You should of course, talk thoroughly and honestly with him about what you need and what he needs out of the relationship that you have. If he isn't talking as much as you need, you must voice this need and work toward some agreement in this regard as well. Guys tend to speak less overall naturally, so try not to pin things on him in this regard too harshly unless he is totally unwilling to discuss things.

It just comes down to what you are both looking for within the confines of your relationship. Try to bring this to light for the both of you. If he's not into that, he's not into you.
 
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He doesn't think the cost is worth it and his words, all his friends tell him that the sex goes away after you get married. I'm sure there are other things, but again, he's so private. I know he did tell a coworker that he saw a future with me ( and that is why he couldn't date her *eye roll*), but that came from the rumor mill of his job. I happen to know a few of his employees. Really, I think he confides in his best friend and his sister, but that is probably it.

He doesn't like being prodded at all. Asking 'what are you thinking' and 'are you sure you're ok' is a good way to be told I'm over thinking. When I have brought up the insecurity he's been adamant about being happy. I just don't feel like he shows it very well.

I just feel like he should be able to confide in me and that isn't something that he really does.
 
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Marriage isn't super important to me, but commitment is. And I'm not trying to change him by any means. I'm looking for more of an insight suggestions on how I can cope with it.
 
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That confuses me. It sounds like he’s squeamish about commitment. Have you discussed the particulars of buying a house? Will you both be on the deed? It’s strange to me because if he doesn’t want to get married due to factors including declining sex life, why go ahead with something that could be just as much of a pain in the ass if the relationship goes south?
 
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We have discussed it. We would both be on the deed and both take financial responsibility. His parents are giving us 20% for a down payment. So we aren't hiding it and is seems to be approved by both families.

I don't think he doesn't want to full commit, but I would say that he is probably a little scared of committing.
 
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Being above board with the fam is always good. I guess I just have a hard time grasping the idea of engaging in a financial commitment that involves decades of mutual obligation before you two even establish whether or not you’re both wanting to be together for the longrun. Now I know things can change over time even with the best intentions, but it just seems like unstable footing. Marriage aside, it seems ill fated that your only indication that the relationship could possibly have any legs came through gossip from elsewhere.

Sorry I know you’re wanting advice and not necessarily my misgivings.

I’ll stfu if my analysis is not helping.
 
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I appreciate the honesty! And it's a very good point. I think this is his way of showing it vs saying it. We have a while until we are going buy the house. It will be some time next year, but the long term commitment is defiantly something we do need to talk about. I just don't know how to get through to him so that he feels comfortable talking about it. That's the bigger issue is him being able to open up and be able to speak freely. I feel like he filters himself a lot of the time.
 
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Why do you like him so much? Maybe you are just not compatible.
I advise that you strongly consider dumping him.
 
One possibility I might suggest is to avoid putting him on the spot to answer immediately; perhaps even to emphasize that you don’t want an answer immediately. Let him know there’s something you want to talk about and lay out what you want out of the relationship and what you want to know from him without painting his reserve as a shortcoming (which may put him on the defensive and cause him to withdraw).

I’d let him know how you feel about him and that marriage or not, it’s reasonable to want to know that it is reciprocal before you enter into what may as well be a financial marriage of sorts.

I think it’s fair to encourage him to take time to think about how he truly feels about the longevity of your relationship because (I assume that) you don’t want to take such a big step without a strong foundation, and give you an answer before you take that step. I might also emphasize taking time to think because if you guys arent honest with yourselves and each other at this point, you may be setting yourselves up for a lot of pain and heartache that was ultimately avoidable.

I guess I would re-emphasize that you (I presume) respect his right to privacy but that it has left you honestly in the dark about where you stand with him, and that while he doesn’t have to be an open book immediately, you do need some indication that he can work towards opening some doors.
 
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So a quick update, we did talk a little the other night about marriage. It came up naturally so I went ahead and asked a few questions.

He feels like marriage is an out of date institution and that he shouldn't have to have someone tell him that he is officially committed and that a piece of jewelry isn't going to be able to keep a marriage together. I agree with him on this. I completely understand where he is coming from here. So I asked him how would one show commitment then? He says "well, we just hang out and we commit to other stuff." Which then we talked about the house as being a commitment to each other. A show in faith that we want to be together long term.

I think I'm realizing that he doesn't like to talk about anything that stresses him out, ad right now, that's a lot of things. It explains why he didn't tell me about him dad and it explains why he doesn't like to talk about the general day to day stuff. He told me this weekend that he is really hating his job right now. When the conversation went to him maybe looking for a new job he started to close up again. I didn't push it, I just let him know that I was there for him and that we would figure it out.

Side note, overthinking and constant mind chatter are the worst.
 
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StormyDale said:
So a quick update, we did talk a little the other night about marriage. It came up naturally so I went ahead and asked a few questions.

He feels like marriage is an out of date institution and that he shouldn't have to have someone tell him that he is officially committed and that a piece of jewelry isn't going to be able to keep a marriage together. I agree with him on this. I completely understand where he is coming from here. So I asked him how would one show commitment then? He says "well, we just hang out and we commit to other stuff." Which then we talked about the house as being a commitment to each other. A show in faith that we want to be together long term.

I think I'm realizing that he doesn't like to talk about anything that stresses him out, ad right now, that's a lot of things. It explains why he didn't tell me about him dad and it explains why he doesn't like to talk about the general day to day stuff. He told me this weekend that he is really hating his job right now. When the conversation went to him maybe looking for a new job he started to close up again. I didn't push it, I just let him know that I was there for him and that we would figure it out.

Side note, overthinking and constant mind chatter are the worst.
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Did he have any tangible reaction to characterizing the house as a form of commitment?

I still have a nagging feeling based on what you mentioned that while you love him, he just wants a stable, fuckable roommate.

I think you’re going about exploring it in the right way. His responses are just...super blah.
 
What do you mean by tangible reaction? And yeah. His responses are super Blah. But, I know he turns down girls all the time and has told them that he does have a future with me. So I believe it's more than just the sex.
 
Like did he agree that the house was a representation of wanting to be together? Don’t mind me, I’m looking at things through a pretty foggy lens on this side of the internet. Maybe reading too far into what you’ve stated.
 
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