My parents make me feel guilty about disagreeing with them | INFJ Forum

My parents make me feel guilty about disagreeing with them

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by easy_rider, Jan 22, 2010.

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  1. easy_rider

    easy_rider Community Member

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    I got a casual job about 3 months ago, while I was at school they gave me 2 shifts (8-9 hours total) from Friday night to Sunday, now on school holidays they've been giving me as many as I want, about 20 hours a week. My mum's now telling me that tomorrow I have to tell the manager that I can only work one shift a week during the school year (year 11), but then they'll just get rid of me becauase they've already got to get rid of some of the Christmas staff. I need the job though so I can get out of home asap.
    I didn't really argue, just fobbed her off, but she's saying that if I don't do what she says I have to leave school and work there full time. I know she cant legally stop me going to school, she'll just send me to a public school instead, which i would prefer anyway.
    but she's a control freak, almost certainly has OCD, she's quick to form a strong opinion on anything without any insight, and has a somewhat distorted perception of her role in the family, and even though I can't stand her she always makes me feel guilty for disagreeing with her. So really I'm not even sure what the problem is, I guess i don't want to upset the 'harmony' in our family? Anyone got some ideas?
     
    #1 easy_rider, Jan 22, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2010
  2. OP
    easy_rider

    easy_rider Community Member

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    sorry maybe this should go in the emotional advice forum
     
  3. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I have an observation based on my experience with parenting. Parents can seem grown up and kids tend to look up to them as being grown up, but most parents are, in fact, not...not quite yet. There is one more bit of growing up that parents...so advanced in years...still need to undertake. While focussing intently on, and being quite vocal about, the need for kids to grow up, parents tend to overlook that one small piece of growing up that they still have to do.....and that is learning to let go a bit and allow their late teenage kids work some things out for themselves with their assistance, but not with their domination. A sort of compromised solution or strategy.

    Young people still need some guidance, sure, but the parental role changes and as some point parents need to grow up and learn to respect them as individuals with their own outlook, goals, desires. This does not mean abandoning them, but helping them. It is a shift that catches many parents blindsided. Hopefully they will get it at some point.
     
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  4. illi

    illi Regular Poster

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    Sounds exactly like my mother uggh. She does a lot of threatening but on the big stuff she wouldn't follow through (say removing us from a private school, as she does care about our education). I can't comment on what you own mother is like obviously though |D

    So long as you have your job and school life balanced you should just try and explain this too her and try and weather out the storm hoping at some point that she realises you made the right decision or in the case it turns out bad admitting you made a mistake. Everyones entitled to make there own mistakes.

    And holidays imo is fairgame as far as getting as many hours as you can o_oa.

    Standing your ground and toughing it out can be a bit emotionally draining I found ehe
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  5. Krumplenump

    Krumplenump Community Member

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    Why does your mother want you to only work 1 shift a week if you're on holiday? Maybe I misunderstood and you're no longer on holiday, in which case I could understand your mothers reasoning. But not her controlling. If you work, it's up to you and should ONLY be up to you. I can't see how you deciding for yourself your working hours would upset family harmony in the long run, since with 2 shifts a week you'd not be missing any school and still be earning cash. You might be able to silence your mum by giving her a percentage of your earnings as a cough bribe cough I mean housekeeping. :)

    One thing I'd like to point out though is I'd recommend not rushing to leave home. For me, at any rate, home provides a very secure base from which to launch my various escapades, travels and recreational activites. But I appreciate everyones home life can be different.

    I hope you sort it out with your mum.
     
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  6. TrevOrTrevor

    TrevOrTrevor Community Member

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    My parents just controlled and didn't love.

    I haven't talked to them in 6 years, even though I see them at every family function (three times a year). Everyone knows of our "fallout" and just leaves the subject alone and doesn't address it. I ignore them completely.

    These have been the best years of my life. I don't have to pretend that I care about them anymore...though really I'm not condoning it. I'd love to have parents that are mature and actually show that they love me.

    Peace :)
     
    #6 TrevOrTrevor, Jan 25, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2010
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