9i786r
Newbie
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 4
This is going to be a pretty long post. And English isn't my first language. You have been warned.
The issue: My best friend (INTJ), who I've known for 18 months expressed his love for me a week ago. And I broke his heart.
So here's what happened. Every weekend we hang out at my place. We were playing video games and then he said he needed to talk to me about something serious. He's a very introverted guy, and even though he feels very comfortable and open around me, I could see that he was nervous the whole night. Then he grabbed my hand and started talking. It was very weird. He told me that he's been in love with me for well over a year and a lot of other very romantic things I didn't expect to hear from him in a million years. Or from anybody else, but we'll get to that. He said that he'll understand if I don't feel the same, but he couldn't wait anymore. And all I could say was "I'm sorry, I'm not attracted to you".
It was my defense mechanism taking over. The thing is, I think I have feelings for him too. I'm just too emotionally fucked up. I can't forget the look in his eyes when I said those terrible words. I could see the tears in his eyes trying to get out and him struggling to maintain emotional control. Then he just mumbled "I understand. I hope we can at least stay friends. It would mean a lot to me". Then he said that it's getting late and it would be best if he went home. That was a week ago. I didn't hear from him since. He turned off his phone, and terminated his Facebook account. I felt like I broke his heart into tiniest of pieces and scattered them around the world, never to be reassembled again. I broke my INTJ.
A bit of personal history. This is where things get weird.
6 years ago, when I was still in high school I was in a car accident. Luckily no one died, but I was left paralyzed from waist down. I'm in a wheelchair. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me 3 days after I left the hospital. He gave me some ridiculous excuse that boiled down to not wanting to be with a crippled girl. In the darkest hour of my life I felt completely alone. My friends eventually stopped calling me and hanging out with me. They stopped inviting me to their parties, unless I happen to be around people when they're talking about it. I was feeling excluded from my own life. I was a wreck and I couldn't wait to get out of high school. I felt unloved, unwanted and overall just worthless.
After high school I took two years off to get used to my new life. I was also in therapy for 6 months. I've pretty much given up all hope of ever being in a relationship again. My self-esteem is ZERO. I stopped thinking about guys as possible romantic interests because I didn't think anyone could be interested in me. Then I did some traveling with my family for a while before finally deciding to go to college to get a physics degree. That was two years ago.
That's where I met my INTJ friend. We were wearing the same Batman t-shirt. It took him a whole week to actually introduce himself. The thing is, he's no stranger to being different from everybody else. He has a cleft lip. Not a big deal, but people with scars, especially facial scars, always see their imperfections as being more severe than others see them. Perhaps he was drawn to me because like him I was different from everybody else.
Anyway, we quickly became best friends. First we were just exchanging notes and helping each other with studying. Then we started hanging out together all the time. He would pick me up in the morning to go to class, we went to the movies together every time something good was in the theaters. And he'd even tell the guys in charge to let us in earlier so we'd avoid the crowd because of my condition. That was really nice and clever of him. He even gave me his lap-top that he wasn't using when my PC died. We played Borderlands 2 and Torchlight 2 together. And he always listened to my whining. He really made my life easier and made me feel like I was worth something again.
I feel like such an idiot for not seeing the signs sooner. If I had, I'd be able to analyze my own feelings. Instead I did what I did and now I don't know how to fix it. I did a terrible thing. And for the last week my mind's been working like crazy. I've been over-analyzing the whole situation.
How do I feel? How do I fix what I've done? What to tell him? And how? What if we hook up? What comes after? What happens when we decide to have sex? It's not like I can do much. What if he eventually gets bored because he has to do pretty much everything? He's a guy after all. Why do I assume the worst? What if he's the perfect guy? He's been so far. But my defense mechanism didn't allow me to see that until now. Why didn't he contact me for a week? I know he's home. The only thing I sent him is an e-mail telling him to call me or stop by my place to talk. Because frankly, I don't know what else to say. And even if I figure it out, I don't want to say it over phone or e-mail. He deserves better than that.
Please help. Any insight will be much appreciated. Especially from INTJs and INFJs.
The issue: My best friend (INTJ), who I've known for 18 months expressed his love for me a week ago. And I broke his heart.
So here's what happened. Every weekend we hang out at my place. We were playing video games and then he said he needed to talk to me about something serious. He's a very introverted guy, and even though he feels very comfortable and open around me, I could see that he was nervous the whole night. Then he grabbed my hand and started talking. It was very weird. He told me that he's been in love with me for well over a year and a lot of other very romantic things I didn't expect to hear from him in a million years. Or from anybody else, but we'll get to that. He said that he'll understand if I don't feel the same, but he couldn't wait anymore. And all I could say was "I'm sorry, I'm not attracted to you".
It was my defense mechanism taking over. The thing is, I think I have feelings for him too. I'm just too emotionally fucked up. I can't forget the look in his eyes when I said those terrible words. I could see the tears in his eyes trying to get out and him struggling to maintain emotional control. Then he just mumbled "I understand. I hope we can at least stay friends. It would mean a lot to me". Then he said that it's getting late and it would be best if he went home. That was a week ago. I didn't hear from him since. He turned off his phone, and terminated his Facebook account. I felt like I broke his heart into tiniest of pieces and scattered them around the world, never to be reassembled again. I broke my INTJ.
A bit of personal history. This is where things get weird.
6 years ago, when I was still in high school I was in a car accident. Luckily no one died, but I was left paralyzed from waist down. I'm in a wheelchair. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me 3 days after I left the hospital. He gave me some ridiculous excuse that boiled down to not wanting to be with a crippled girl. In the darkest hour of my life I felt completely alone. My friends eventually stopped calling me and hanging out with me. They stopped inviting me to their parties, unless I happen to be around people when they're talking about it. I was feeling excluded from my own life. I was a wreck and I couldn't wait to get out of high school. I felt unloved, unwanted and overall just worthless.
After high school I took two years off to get used to my new life. I was also in therapy for 6 months. I've pretty much given up all hope of ever being in a relationship again. My self-esteem is ZERO. I stopped thinking about guys as possible romantic interests because I didn't think anyone could be interested in me. Then I did some traveling with my family for a while before finally deciding to go to college to get a physics degree. That was two years ago.
That's where I met my INTJ friend. We were wearing the same Batman t-shirt. It took him a whole week to actually introduce himself. The thing is, he's no stranger to being different from everybody else. He has a cleft lip. Not a big deal, but people with scars, especially facial scars, always see their imperfections as being more severe than others see them. Perhaps he was drawn to me because like him I was different from everybody else.
Anyway, we quickly became best friends. First we were just exchanging notes and helping each other with studying. Then we started hanging out together all the time. He would pick me up in the morning to go to class, we went to the movies together every time something good was in the theaters. And he'd even tell the guys in charge to let us in earlier so we'd avoid the crowd because of my condition. That was really nice and clever of him. He even gave me his lap-top that he wasn't using when my PC died. We played Borderlands 2 and Torchlight 2 together. And he always listened to my whining. He really made my life easier and made me feel like I was worth something again.
I feel like such an idiot for not seeing the signs sooner. If I had, I'd be able to analyze my own feelings. Instead I did what I did and now I don't know how to fix it. I did a terrible thing. And for the last week my mind's been working like crazy. I've been over-analyzing the whole situation.
How do I feel? How do I fix what I've done? What to tell him? And how? What if we hook up? What comes after? What happens when we decide to have sex? It's not like I can do much. What if he eventually gets bored because he has to do pretty much everything? He's a guy after all. Why do I assume the worst? What if he's the perfect guy? He's been so far. But my defense mechanism didn't allow me to see that until now. Why didn't he contact me for a week? I know he's home. The only thing I sent him is an e-mail telling him to call me or stop by my place to talk. Because frankly, I don't know what else to say. And even if I figure it out, I don't want to say it over phone or e-mail. He deserves better than that.
Please help. Any insight will be much appreciated. Especially from INTJs and INFJs.
