My f'd up story | INFJ Forum

My f'd up story

9i786r

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Jul 26, 2012
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This is going to be a pretty long post. And English isn't my first language. You have been warned.

The issue: My best friend (INTJ), who I've known for 18 months expressed his love for me a week ago. And I broke his heart.

So here's what happened. Every weekend we hang out at my place. We were playing video games and then he said he needed to talk to me about something serious. He's a very introverted guy, and even though he feels very comfortable and open around me, I could see that he was nervous the whole night. Then he grabbed my hand and started talking. It was very weird. He told me that he's been in love with me for well over a year and a lot of other very romantic things I didn't expect to hear from him in a million years. Or from anybody else, but we'll get to that. He said that he'll understand if I don't feel the same, but he couldn't wait anymore. And all I could say was "I'm sorry, I'm not attracted to you".

It was my defense mechanism taking over. The thing is, I think I have feelings for him too. I'm just too emotionally fucked up. I can't forget the look in his eyes when I said those terrible words. I could see the tears in his eyes trying to get out and him struggling to maintain emotional control. Then he just mumbled "I understand. I hope we can at least stay friends. It would mean a lot to me". Then he said that it's getting late and it would be best if he went home. That was a week ago. I didn't hear from him since. He turned off his phone, and terminated his Facebook account. I felt like I broke his heart into tiniest of pieces and scattered them around the world, never to be reassembled again. I broke my INTJ.

A bit of personal history. This is where things get weird.

6 years ago, when I was still in high school I was in a car accident. Luckily no one died, but I was left paralyzed from waist down. I'm in a wheelchair. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me 3 days after I left the hospital. He gave me some ridiculous excuse that boiled down to not wanting to be with a crippled girl. In the darkest hour of my life I felt completely alone. My friends eventually stopped calling me and hanging out with me. They stopped inviting me to their parties, unless I happen to be around people when they're talking about it. I was feeling excluded from my own life. I was a wreck and I couldn't wait to get out of high school. I felt unloved, unwanted and overall just worthless.
After high school I took two years off to get used to my new life. I was also in therapy for 6 months. I've pretty much given up all hope of ever being in a relationship again. My self-esteem is ZERO. I stopped thinking about guys as possible romantic interests because I didn't think anyone could be interested in me. Then I did some traveling with my family for a while before finally deciding to go to college to get a physics degree. That was two years ago.
That's where I met my INTJ friend. We were wearing the same Batman t-shirt. It took him a whole week to actually introduce himself. The thing is, he's no stranger to being different from everybody else. He has a cleft lip. Not a big deal, but people with scars, especially facial scars, always see their imperfections as being more severe than others see them. Perhaps he was drawn to me because like him I was different from everybody else.
Anyway, we quickly became best friends. First we were just exchanging notes and helping each other with studying. Then we started hanging out together all the time. He would pick me up in the morning to go to class, we went to the movies together every time something good was in the theaters. And he'd even tell the guys in charge to let us in earlier so we'd avoid the crowd because of my condition. That was really nice and clever of him. He even gave me his lap-top that he wasn't using when my PC died. We played Borderlands 2 and Torchlight 2 together. And he always listened to my whining. He really made my life easier and made me feel like I was worth something again.
I feel like such an idiot for not seeing the signs sooner. If I had, I'd be able to analyze my own feelings. Instead I did what I did and now I don't know how to fix it. I did a terrible thing. And for the last week my mind's been working like crazy. I've been over-analyzing the whole situation.

How do I feel? How do I fix what I've done? What to tell him? And how? What if we hook up? What comes after? What happens when we decide to have sex? It's not like I can do much. What if he eventually gets bored because he has to do pretty much everything? He's a guy after all. Why do I assume the worst? What if he's the perfect guy? He's been so far. But my defense mechanism didn't allow me to see that until now. Why didn't he contact me for a week? I know he's home. The only thing I sent him is an e-mail telling him to call me or stop by my place to talk. Because frankly, I don't know what else to say. And even if I figure it out, I don't want to say it over phone or e-mail. He deserves better than that.

Please help. Any insight will be much appreciated. Especially from INTJs and INFJs.
 
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I don't understand the challenge. Just tell him the truth or let him go.
 
If I were you I'd tell him everything the way it is, a giant monologue and started it with "I know it's messed up..." and tell him where I come from, all the why's. There's nothing better you can do, imo. Say you were too shocked to think straight and proceed with the rest. Just be honest, no games and unneccessary stuff.
 
oh, dear... it doesnt seem to me that u really do have feelings for this guy, if u did, u wouldve known a long time ago. From my point of view you just feel sorry for him having expected more from you, and for yourself - because it looks like you're losing a good friend, you just want this friendship to work, so you are considering giving him what he wants. He is probably in need of thinking things over from his own perspective, thats why theres no contact from him, if you have already emailed him, wait it out, dont bombard him with messages, it will just confuse him more.
 
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It sounds to me like you two are not finished yet.

Keep the lines of communication open.
Talk to him, discuss all the doubts you have;
the INTJs I know want honesty more than
almost anything else in relationships.
One in particular has told me that
she loves knowing her boyfriend
trusts her because it allows her
to help him when he needs it,
whether it is ultimately
to her benefit or not.

Yet, be careful of space. Opening up
takes time and most INTJs need more
to recalibrate afterwards according
to what happened. Let him know you're
there, reciprocate trust, and give him time,
imo.

You might even want to direct him to this thread
to show your confused sincerity, as well as
give him a glimpse into what bothers you
before/during/after you guys talk.

In any event, I wish you the best of luck =)
Keep us posted, if it helps!
 
The first thing that came to my mind was that you should just let him read this post.
 
The first thing that came to my mind was that you should just let him read this post.

First thing that came to my mind too!
 
His reactions are understandable for an introverted guy who probably hasn't had much experience yet. Still over the top, but such is love, especially when it's been bottled up for a year.

I agree with your sentiment about waiting to tell him in person. The problem is him hiding away in his shell. He has to want to listen. I imagine there'd be some doubt if he gets an email or voice message telling him what he wants to hear. First question: why did you say what you said? And he needs to be there when you explain or it'll be a one-sided back and forth.

As some folks already said--and as you yourself know well--these things can take some time.
 
I imagine there'd be some doubt if he gets an email or voice message telling him what he wants to hear. First question: why did you say what you said? And he needs to be there when you explain or it'll be a one-sided back and forth.

I think this is a good idea. It will take a bit to get him to open back up, but it would be a good idea to set up an environment where you can explain yourself and discuss things easily.

Your story was deeply touching. If you think you might be attracted to him, and think he has been the "perfect guy" or friend so far, I think you should go for it. Don't worry about too many details about the logistics of things that could happen later. I'm sure there are a lot of people in the world in similar situations that you can take advice from online. He sounds like a sweet guy that has thought about this for a long time and I don't think minor setbacks will be able to deter him too much. Your defense mechanism may tell you otherwise, but there is always time to change the way you see things through newer, better experiences. This is a great opportunity for you to rebuild your self-esteem, and to have a better understanding of what you are truly capable of. You will likely find that you will have been capable of much more than you ever thought you were since your accident. And, maybe you will find that the two of your are not romantically compatible, but there's no harm in trying. Hopefully you will just become closer friends from this.

Best of luck. :m057:
 
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He sounds pretty much like the quintessential nice guy that women are never attracted to... and I think that this should be a good learning experience for him.

If you don't like him, then don't force yourself or overthink it... it is nice when people do things for us/are considerate but I don't think that too many people find butlers or their parents attractive. You're sad because the relationship had value to you, you liked how it made you feel, and you don't want to lose it, but at the same time you don't want it to become something more because you've come to see him like a pitiful manservant as opposed to an equal partner, and you don't want to attach yourself to that, because you want to find someone who is more equal to how you perceive yourself.

I think you did the right thing... in fact, you might have done it earlier and spared him some grief-- sounds like he's invested a lot of time and energy into it and it sucks when something you've put so much into breaks down. But on the other hand, I can't really blame you, and he should have been wary as well.
 
you've come to see him like a pitiful manservant as opposed to an equal partner, and you don't want to attach yourself to that, because you want to find someone who is more equal to how you perceive yourself.

*raises eyebrow*

Is this your reaction to human kindness?

I don't think I would take kindly to anyone being spoken about in this way, let alone my best friend.
 
*raises eyebrow*

Is this your reaction to human kindness?

I don't think I would take kindly to anyone being spoken about in this way, let alone my best friend.

There's a difference between general kindness towards a series of individuals and an ongoing effort to be exceptionally kind to a single person.
 
I have heard that the difference is called friendship.

I thought that we were talking about romance here.

The best friendships are built on like-mindedness and mutual respect for each other's positive qualities-- if someone was being nice to only me I would assume that they were trying to impress me, possibly because they feel like they have to earn my respect instead of just expecting it because of who they are-- but if they were nice to everyone, then I would respect them for being a good person.

Anyways, we're getting off topic and I don't want to derail the thread any more.
 
He sounds pretty much like the quintessential nice guy that women are never attracted to... and I think that this should be a good learning experience for him.

If you don't like him, then don't force yourself or overthink it... it is nice when people do things for us/are considerate but I don't think that too many people find butlers or their parents attractive. You're sad because the relationship had value to you, you liked how it made you feel, and you don't want to lose it, but at the same time you don't want it to become something more because you've come to see him like a pitiful manservant as opposed to an equal partner, and you don't want to attach yourself to that, because you want to find someone who is more equal to how you perceive yourself.

I think you did the right thing... in fact, you might have done it earlier and spared him some grief-- sounds like he's invested a lot of time and energy into it and it sucks when something you've put so much into breaks down. But on the other hand, I can't really blame you, and he should have been wary as well.
No, the things he does are pretty much what you'd expect from your best friend. I wouldn't put him in a "nice guy" category. Maybe the way I described him made it sound like he was my manservant. Probably because of my situation, but it's not like that at all. In fact, I find him superior to me in pretty much every way. And I feel so lucky to have him as a friend. I'm just so confused these days.

I'll try sending him another e-mail with more content and see what happens. But I don't think he needs to see this topic. Not yet anyway. Any ideas about what I should say in the e-mail? Anyone here with a heartbroken INTJ experience?

EDIT: Too late. He just sent me an SMS. He's going out of town. He said he'll come by my place to talk this Friday. He's probably going to talk to his sister about me first.

The more I think about this the more I realize that it makes sense for us to be together. Especially when I think about all the things he did for me knowing how he felt about me at the time. I think I'll go for it. I don't see how we can stay just friends. And if it doesn't work, it can't get worse than it is now.
 
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Mmm... But are you attracted to him? Because if you're not, it is kind of a big deal.

I have had a similar experience before. My INTJ guy friend started to get feelings for me, but I was not in love with him. We got on great, and I might have been able to fall in love with him if I tried, but is that really the point? He deserved better than that. So did I. The situation was made worse because he was lonely and suffered with chronic depression. He eventually met someone else and he's very happy now. And we've managed to stay friends. :)

He will be hurting like hell now, but it would hurt even worse if you enter into a relationship only to realise you don't have romantic feelings for him. If you're confused, just take your time.
 
But I think I am. Now I'm thinking about skipping the conversation completely and just kiss him and see what happens. It seems like a compelling idea the more I think about it. I'm glad I have some time to think this through. My brain hurts.
 
But I think I am. Now I'm thinking about skipping the conversation completely and just kiss him and see what happens. It seems like a compelling idea the more I think about it. I'm glad I have some time to think this through. My brain hurts.

its of course your life and your decisions, but in my experience - if you need to "think" so much whether it is or it isnt love/attraction - it most probably isnt. If you go ahead and give him more hopes that something "might" work out and then it doesnt - u'll hurt him beyond repair. Whatever you do, dont run into it head first. If he really meant he wanted to stay friends no matter what before he confessed - I'd go with that, try to restore the friendship and take it from there. You'll feel one way in his absence and totally different in his presence. No point in forcing yourself to feel something more, I promise. The way you write suggests to me that its (even if just slightly, but) forcing.
 
Hi The Truth... I read your story and many of the replies, and just wanted to add that it sounds to me your "not being attracted to him" may in fact have more to do with your injury and your concerns about that, than actually whether or not you are attracted to him.

Do you think this is possible? This sort of thing is very very very very very very personal, but do you perhaps have friends in similar situations who can share their experiences and help out? I know dating and being intimate after an injury like that can cause all sorts of concerns. I get the feeling that may be what is happening here. (?) I think if you talk about these things to your INTJ it may help. Also, I know from having met and talked to people who've lost the use of their legs that they most certainly do date, and fall in love, and enjoy sex after such an injury, really they do. I have acquaintances who have done just that and it is quite possible; I'm certain it is possible for you as well. Do you think maybe you are in a panic about that, and only feel like you are not attracted to him because of your fears? (If I'm wrong and you have no concerns whatsoever about that, then I'm sorry!) Wishing you the best of luck and I hope you two work it out.
 
its of course your life and your decisions, but in my experience - if you need to "think" so much whether it is or it isnt love/attraction - it most probably isnt. If you go ahead and give him more hopes that something "might" work out and then it doesnt - u'll hurt him beyond repair. Whatever you do, dont run into it head first. If he really meant he wanted to stay friends no matter what before he confessed - I'd go with that, try to restore the friendship and take it from there. You'll feel one way in his absence and totally different in his presence. No point in forcing yourself to feel something more, I promise. The way you write suggests to me that its (even if just slightly, but) forcing.
You might be right. I need to be careful. I can't afford to screw this up any further. We should decide the right course of action together, slowly.

Hi The Truth... I read your story and many of the replies, and just wanted to add that it sounds to me your "not being attracted to him" may in fact have more to do with your injury and your concerns about that, than actually whether or not you are attracted to him.

Do you think this is possible? This sort of thing is very very very very very very personal, but do you perhaps have friends in similar situations who can share their experiences and help out? I know dating and being intimate after an injury like that can cause all sorts of concerns. I get the feeling that may be what is happening here. (?) I think if you talk about these things to your INTJ it may help. Also, I know from having met and talked to people who've lost the use of their legs that they most certainly do date, and fall in love, and enjoy sex after such an injury, really they do. I have acquaintances who have done just that and it is quite possible; I'm certain it is possible for you as well. Do you think maybe you are in a panic about that, and only feel like you are not attracted to him because of your fears? (If I'm wrong and you have no concerns whatsoever about that, then I'm sorry!) Wishing you the best of luck and I hope you two work it out.
I think it's more than possible. I didn't feel close to anyone since the injury. I didn't allow myself to fall in love with anyone because every time I think about someone like that, my mind wonders off to a dark place. I pretty much dealt with the fact that I'm destined to be alone when I went to college. And then this happens.
 
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