[ISFJ] Married to an INFJ, hitting marital issues

Welcome to the forum. Is that Geralt in your avatar? Cool!

The key thing I found in your post was that you were surprised (i.e., there was something significant you didn't know about him) even after a 13 year marriage. It sounds like the two of you just need to communicate more openly. With two Fe users (Extroverted Feeling, the auxiliary function for both ISFJ and INFJ) it can be difficult, since both of you will be more hesitant to vocalize your own needs ahead of your partner's. But in a long term relationship, it's vital that the two of you get things out in the open and be frank with each other. ISFJs are good listeners - utilize that, try your best to understand where he's coming from and be sympathetic even when you don't understand his motivations. Let him know that you will always be there for him, no matter what.

Also - I am an INTP, so maybe not the best resource, but I have a decent enough understanding of INFJs and what makes them tick.

 

There's an essential truth to whatever is going on. Try to get to the bottom of that. May take some hard questions and answers.

 

Hello @ISFJmarriedtoINFJ and welcome!

I have a few questions.
How old is your husband?
What hobbies/activities do you share?

As for him going to his friend before you (whom I assume is male), well I don’t think that’s a good sign and I would have a nice long talk with him. I can’t speak for all INFJ’s, however I’m very communicative and like to solve problems rather than let them fester.

 

I can attest to this!

 

You've already identified together what needs to be done, so well done on that!

Being an INFJ, he's a natural counselor, and needs to feel useful in this way in his most important relationship, his marriage. He's just as apprehensive about sharing the hard stuff, but if you start off, the flood gates will open. Keeping things locked away and avoiding conflict will only create a divide between you.

When INFJs don't feel close to someone, even someone we love, we shut down. Try to regain some intimacy with one another as husband and wife. I'm not merely speaking of sex, I'm talking about strengthening the bond you shared before you became parents. Being a parent takes a lot of focus away from you both as you have joined together to focus on your child. Take some time, every day, to remind your INFJ that he's still your partner in life.