[ISFJ] Married to an INFJ, hitting marital issues

[ISFJmarriedtoINFJ]

I am an ISFJ and have been married to an INFJ for almost 13 years. Recently, he told me he doesn't feel as though I push him to grow, or inspire him as much as he feels he should be in a relationship.
This came as a surprise, but in the course of talking about it, we realized a few things:

1. He doesn't use me as his "person." He goes to his best friend first, and doesn't share everything with me. We realized I couldn't ever be his person until he at least tried to use me as his person.
2. We don't communicate nearly as well as we could or should. As we both seek harmony, we always struggled to share things that mat be hard.
3. We were going through the day to day (we have an almost 10 year old daughter) together, but that was all we talked about.

So, with all of that said, can anyone help me understand more about how INFJs need to feel challenged or inspired? How do I help my husband feel as though he is growing as a person? (I get that interests are going to vary from person to person, I'm just looking for ways, not specific topics.)

Thank you!

 

[infinite dreams]

Welcome to the forum. Is that Geralt in your avatar? Cool!

The key thing I found in your post was that you were surprised (i.e., there was something significant you didn't know about him) even after a 13 year marriage. It sounds like the two of you just need to communicate more openly. With two Fe users (Extroverted Feeling, the auxiliary function for both ISFJ and INFJ) it can be difficult, since both of you will be more hesitant to vocalize your own needs ahead of your partner's. But in a long term relationship, it's vital that the two of you get things out in the open and be frank with each other. ISFJs are good listeners - utilize that, try your best to understand where he's coming from and be sympathetic even when you don't understand his motivations. Let him know that you will always be there for him, no matter what.

Also - I am an INTP, so maybe not the best resource, but I have a decent enough understanding of INFJs and what makes them tick.

 

[ISFJmarriedtoINFJ]

Welcome to the forum. Is that Geralt in your avatar? Cool!

It is! Actually, it's Maul Cosplay at PAX East 2017. My husband got me in to gaming!

What you said makes sense, and I can only hope it's enough.

 

[infinite dreams]

It is! Actually, it's Maul Cosplay at PAX East 2017. My husband got me in to gaming!

What you said makes sense, and I can only hope it's enough.

There's an essential truth to whatever is going on. Try to get to the bottom of that. May take some hard questions and answers.

 

[Happy Phantom]

Hello @ISFJmarriedtoINFJ and welcome!

I have a few questions.
How old is your husband?
What hobbies/activities do you share?

As for him going to his friend before you (whom I assume is male), well I don’t think that’s a good sign and I would have a nice long talk with him. I can’t speak for all INFJ’s, however I’m very communicative and like to solve problems rather than let them fester.

 

[infinite dreams]

I can’t speak for all INFJ’s, however I’m very communicative and like to solve problems rather than let them fester.

I can attest to this!

 

[ISFJmarriedtoINFJ]

Hello @ISFJmarriedtoINFJ and welcome!

I have a few questions.
How old is your husband?
What hobbies/activities do you share?

As for him going to his friend before you (whom I assume is male), well I don’t think that’s a good sign and I would have a nice long talk with him. I can’t speak for all INFJ’s, however I’m very communicative and like to solve problems rather than let them fester.

He is 37, I am 36. We got married at 24 and 23 respectively.

 

[Free]

You've already identified together what needs to be done, so well done on that!

• He doesn't use me as his "person." He goes to his best friend first, and doesn't share everything with me. We realized I couldn't ever be his person until he at least tried to use me as his person.

• We don't communicate nearly as well as we could or should. As we both seek harmony, we always struggled to share things that mat be hard.

• We were going through the day to day (we have an almost 10 year old daughter) together, but that was all we talked about.

Being an INFJ, he's a natural counselor, and needs to feel useful in this way in his most important relationship, his marriage. He's just as apprehensive about sharing the hard stuff, but if you start off, the flood gates will open. Keeping things locked away and avoiding conflict will only create a divide between you.

When INFJs don't feel close to someone, even someone we love, we shut down. Try to regain some intimacy with one another as husband and wife. I'm not merely speaking of sex, I'm talking about strengthening the bond you shared before you became parents. Being a parent takes a lot of focus away from you both as you have joined together to focus on your child. Take some time, every day, to remind your INFJ that he's still your partner in life.