Male INFJs, Male INTJs | INFJ Forum

Male INFJs, Male INTJs

subwayrider

subwayrider

Into the White
Sep 26, 2011
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It's very common for INTJ males to have very limited experience as to romance for a good part, if not all, their lives. I was curious how this compares to the general romantic experience a male INFJ might have. The reason for the INTJ lovelessness is usually summed up as a lack of interpersonal skills: the combination of INT makes for excess idealism, to the point of ridiculousness, social awkwardness, and a tendency to rationalize everything.
With Fe, at least theoretically, INFJs should have an easier time connecting with people, being more open socially, and being able to set logic aside and simply feel experiences that are meant to be felt, not rationalized.
 
subwayrider said:
It's very common for INTJ males to have very limited experience as to romance for a good part, if not all, their lives.
Click to expand...

How do you know this? I've met and known many happily married INTJ males. My INTJ son is in a happy, long term relationship. Where are your data?
 
It's very common for INTJ males to have very limited experience as to romance for a good part, if not all, their lives.
Click to expand...

I question this assertion as well. I am happily married to my INTJ husband who is quiet socially balanced, mature, and a good facilitator of communication when I am upset. =)
 
I think it can be an issue for both INTJ and INFJs, no matter the gender. My INTJ college roommate was quicker to fit in thanks to his sarcasm and computer knowledge. I never quite identified enough with my peers to really connect; from what I've seen with others' self-disclosures here, that's the big one. It's not so much that we're lacking in social skills, on the contrary, we have as much as we can get. The problem is that we (or rather, I ) haven't lent enough discipline to read which people are better to hang out with. If we're in the wrong group, we will stand out and can appear too sensitive or precious. If others aren't open to the INFJ worldview right away, the INFJ probably won't immediately change their mind.
 
When I was a bit younger I didn't have much trouble, but it seems as though growing up has made me more contemplative and detached. I have a hard time holding normal friendships now, nevermind romantic interests. I either want to talk about issues I find important or think about them... and little else. I guess there's a small number of activities I can enjoy with others (without constantly thinking), but they are few and far between. I don't feel I've ever really had trouble connecting with/understanding people, but the constant thinking about how I come across hinders my ability to actually form relationships.
 
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Hey now, I've had some relationships since I was younger and am in a long term one now. Though, I have meant to make romantic gestures and later forgot to carry them through. As to the Te/Fe difference socially, it does exist. Being prickly doesn't preclude relationships and to ignore the importance of interpersonal skills is folly, so Te can even be used to help with that (and F and T aren't even diametrically opposed, imo). I don
 
subwayrider said:
It's very common for INTJ males to have very limited experience as to romance for a good part, if not all, their lives. I was curious how this compares to the general romantic experience a male INFJ might have. The reason for the INTJ lovelessness is usually summed up as a lack of interpersonal skills: the combination of INT makes for excess idealism, to the point of ridiculousness, social awkwardness, and a tendency to rationalize everything.
With Fe, at least theoretically, INFJs should have an easier time connecting with people, being more open socially, and being able to set logic aside and simply feel experiences that are meant to be felt, not rationalized.
Click to expand...

INTJ's I've been around were good friends, but I see what you're getting at. You're talking about romantic relationships; soul mates; passionate lovers; etc. That "thing" about a person that makes the two of you instantly "click" and lasts an entire life.

Yeah, I would agree that many of the Te types in general can lack that... unless they've developed that Fe side of them for years, at least. I tend to convert to an INTJ when I'm confronted by a stressful situation for a long enough period of time. Basically, when that "Judging" side of me starts to get upset, I start "Thinking" about ways to improve it and then you get an INTJ.

In relationships though, if I were to use that same thought process, I can already tell you the type of relationship I would end up in... and be thrilled with. It would be the logical choice. The relationship that made sense and offered some physical and/or intellectual comfort. Get married because it makes sense financially. Have kids because I want A) to claim a dependent on my taxes and B) someone to take over the family business when I die. Buy a house because I get a break on my taxes. Work a thankless job because it pays a whole lot of money at the end of the week. Save up said money, living minimally that whole time so I can purchase a house or car with making no payments/having no debt. Let my wife do what she wants to keep her happy so that I can stay on course.

It all makes sense on the surface and if it makes sense, then it must mean I'm happy. The only reason I would have for keeping my partner happy in this case would be so that I can stay happy myself. Now, my Fe side of me would be screaming at me this whole time, "you heartless bastard!" which is why, as an INFJ, I don't do those things for those reasons.
 
Norton said:
How do you know this? I've met and known many happily married INTJ males. My INTJ son is in a happy, long term relationship. Where are your data?
Click to expand...

Spent a few months on INTJ forum.
On their banner it says: "Masterminds. Innovators. Villains. Virgins."

A lot of the people on there did have romance issues, so much that most of the guys in their first 2.5 decades of life had never been romantically involved. But, you're right, I don't have any real data.
 
subwayrider said:
Spent a few months on INTJ forum.
On their banner it says: "Masterminds. Innovators. Villains. Virgins."

A lot of the people on there did have romance issues, so much that most of the guys in their first 2.5 decades of life had never been romantically involved. But, you're right, I don't have any real data.
Click to expand...

I'd be careful about generalizing from the MBTI sample found on a forum. I'd also be careful about generalizing from a type description. For one thing, type descriptions vary from author to author. For another, within one type there is infinite variety because there is so much more to a person than four letters. Finally, none of the seven INTJ's I know IRL are members of the INTJ forum and they're all married or in committed relationships.

People like to categorize. They also like to stereotype. Categories have limitations and stereotypes are often wrong.
 
Norton said:
I'd be careful about generalizing from the MBTI sample found on a forum. I'd also be careful about generalizing from a type description. For one thing, type descriptions vary from author to author. For another, within one type there is infinite variety because there is so much more to a person than four letters. Finally, none of the seven INTJ's I know IRL are members of the INTJ forum and they're all married or in committed relationships.

People like to categorize. They also like to stereotype. Categories have limitations and stereotypes are often wrong.
Click to expand...

True, true. Thanks for helping me stay on the path.

Ah, but, also: experience can be misleading. I'd be wary of that as well, sir.
 
While it is true that we are open to communication , that does not mean we trust a person with our feelings. I am open socially, and have no problem getting along with most people, but I would never expose my nature to someone I did not fully trust, and to gain that trust can take years. I was married for almost 8 years, and I never let my self fully relax emotionally, which is partially why I am divorced. Its one thing to listen and feel someone elses emotion through a sense of empathy, it is something else to let someone feel yours.
 
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