Love is complex, lets dissect........ | INFJ Forum

Love is complex, lets dissect........

blueflame

blueflame

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Dec 22, 2008
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I've been wanting to start this thread for a while now but it needed some refinement so I could have more info and be more specific about the topic. I wanted to talk about the different types of love and how INFJ's grapple with them. We want long term meaningful relationships but we are in a world where the "love" itself is only surface deep and fast paced. It seems more ad more nowadays it is harder to date simply because people get ahead of themselves, or they just don't want a serious relationship.

Some of the types of love are:
1. Commited - long lasting, reliable, meaningful
2. puppy love - fast paced, fun loving, more about energy, short term
3. Lust/obsession - almost mostly physical and sexual

there are a few others but this gets us started at least on the discussion.

Also, before I forget what do you guys think of relationships that move to fast? For me I really don't think it is worth the time and it kills and connection. An article i once read said that moving fast can be a way to be distracted from feelings and issues, avoid being alone, and to force a person deeper into a relationship so that it is harder for them to change their mind or back out all together.
 
I'll just leave this here, it's a model by Robert Sternberg:

triangulartheoryoflove.gif
 
this is love to me. . .


Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

​
 
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puppy love and lust arent love, in my opinion. love is something difficult to explain.
 
^ Yeah, in other words it is more than emotion it is also intellectual
 
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Love is a combination of things and I don't believe that love lacks sexual lust as so many would have you believe. It's more complex than that and is layers, it's a combination of lust and care and comfort. Knowing that you want to take care of someone maybe for the rest of your life. You think about the future, but the future doesn't really matter because all that matters is right now and you know that when you become old and shriveled you want that other person right there by your side in their old shriveledness.
 
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Given your definitions, I would say "love" has ingredients from all three forms of attraction you mentioned. Because it's something akin to a recipe, love works in a trial-and-error fashion usually. True love is worked for, not given. In my mind, love is merely an advanced form of compassion. I would say more, but my mind has been running for a few days without rest so I'll stop here. Dissect my words as you wish
 
Whether you choose to complicate it or not doesn't really matter, because you'll be a failure at it either way. Might as well keep Love at a distance and pretend instead, it will work out better for both partners if you do, keep it objectively. To make her happy by not loving her may sound tragic to some, but in reality it is an intelligent way to solve all of your problems. Self-sacrifice.
 
Sali said:
Love is a combination of things and I don't believe that love lacks sexual lust as so many would have you believe. It's more complex than that and is layers, it's a combination of lust and care and comfort. Knowing that you want to take care of someone maybe for the rest of your life. You think about the future, but the future doesn't really matter because all that matters is right now and you know that when you become old and shriveled you want that other person right there by your side in their old shriveledness.
Click to expand...

+1
 
I am bumping this thread with a story I received in an email.

Do any of these comments from children resonate with you?
"Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.

Touching words from the mouth of babes."
Click to expand...
What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her
all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy -age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is
OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My
Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with
a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he
wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared
anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you." (what an imagination)
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the
contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked
what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I
just helped him cry"
 
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When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
Click to expand...

This one resonates deeply with me.
I've been married 2 times in my life. My first husband never said my name. I didn't miss him after we split.

My second (ex)husband has a very sexy voice. Back when we were in love... and he would say my name....I felt it sink into my core. It was as if a big bell sound would reverb in my heart.

To all you lovers out there - speak your beloved's name with honor and reverence for their being.
 
I have been thinking about what love is. If you put yourself first, without thinking of their feelings or happiness, it's not love. But if you put them first, want them to be happy, willing to let things go for them, then it's love or something close to it. But tbh, I can't define love. It's not something you know you have. It's something you learn as you go along. It's not something you've simply settled in your heart. It's something which grows. It can start with lust and then become something more. The idea that you love or you don't love is a fallacy. But love makes people do things for their lovedones that they wouldn't do for themselves or anyone else. I don't always think it's simple as saying "Love is." I think it's more love learns and "love becomes".
 
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my grandfather was diagnosed with schizophrenia. when my mother was six years old she would take him to all his psychiatric appointments because she was the oldest child, and only one in family who spoke good-enough english. my grandfather told my mum that ‘bad people ’ were trying to get him at work and they must find ways to hide from them. and so my mum tried to think of places they could hide. he accused my grandmother of having many affairs and the other greek people in their street told her to ‘leave that crazy man’. but he was a good man, and he had post traumatic stress disorder from war and had very unfortunate childhood.

when he passed away my grandmother cried and wailed at his grave. my family have never said a bad word about him. this is love.
 
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Blackmountainside said:
my grandfather was diagnosed with schizophrenia. when my mother was six years old she would take him to all his psychiatric appointments because she was the oldest child, and only one in family who spoke good-enough english. my grandfather told my mum that ‘bad people ’ were trying to get him at work and they must find ways to hide from them. and so my mum tried to think of places they could hide. he accused my grandmother of having many affairs and the other greek people in their street told her to ‘leave that crazy man’. but he was a good man, and he had post traumatic stress disorder from war and had very unfortunate childhood.

when he passed away my grandmother cried and wailed at his grave. my family have never said a bad word about him. this is love.
Click to expand...

Ohhh....what a beautiful story of Love. Thank you for sharing this. You made my evening! :love:
 
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Love is just... love. Knowing that you will love someone for the rest of your life, even if there is no reward. So far I've known a few variances of love and each one is different, depending on the person and the bond we have shared. I couldn't begin to dissect and define that feeling into categories - the best I can do is just recognise it for the deep sense of knowing and kindness that it is.

Well, I do love love! :m055:
 
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Lemonworld said:
Love is just... love. Knowing that you will love someone for the rest of your life, even if there is no reward. So far I've known a few variances of love and each one is different, depending on the person and the bond we have shared. I couldn't begin to dissect and define that feeling into categories -

the best I can do is just recognise it for the deep sense of knowing and kindness that it is.

Well, I do love love! :m055:
Click to expand...

Yes. When Love comes our way the best response we can do is recognize it and then beam it back to the one(s) showing us love.

Awesome perspective.
 
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