Looking to rekindle Marriage

[WellNoWonder]

During the past 3 months...

My husband and I have simply stopped fighting.

He has majorly stepped up as a father....and as a friend to me. And I have done the same, and have really tried to open up to him.

I have been talking to him about this website, INFJ-ness in general, and we also found that he is an ENFP. Which explains a lot (I knew he wasn't ESFJ which he kept claiming from some test from years back). It doesn't define everything of course, but it helps to see why we fought so much, and how my aloofness played into his extramarital gig he had for a couple of months. And why he has switched careers so many times, and why he has this super need for affection (well super to me anyway)..

I'm not mad about the affair anymore, after months of agonizing over it. I realized I was hurting myself, thus my kids more than anything, while being consumed with anger over the past. And I played into it. I knew it would happen. I didn't know when, but I knew, because I knew I wasn't giving him what he needed. So how could I be angry anyway?

And of course, I have faults. I naturally suck at money management. But over the past 2 years, I have been forced to learn. I actually maintain 2 savings accounts now, and though they are paltry, they are there. And I don't display affection outside of my children either, and people I know as acquantances (???). This is going to require much work, but I don't know how I'm going to do it, if I can't practice it. And I close off really fast if I think I am misunderstood. One minute, heated discussion and bam, next thing I have on headphones and am in my own world as if I just wasn't ready to throw bricks at him.

We initially talked about giving ourselves a year to work on parts of ourselves while apart, to improve our relationship overall.

But we are both lately on "Why don't we just do it?"

We are best friends. I know we can do this, but how?

But I'm afraid to be honest. I want to jump up, pack up me and the kids and go back home to the Pacific NW, and have our family back the way it was.

But I want to be sure I am making the right decision,

I always dump all this heavy sh*t here, but you all always seem to have insight that I can appreciate and use.

I would gladly appreciate advice...if anyone has any. Hee hee.

Thanks!

V

 

[Norton]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Take the risk, but do it intelligently. Perhaps, getting back together would be easier and more likely to succeed with counseling, even if you've tried this before. Never discount the importance of an objective, third party perspective. The important thing is that you both seem inclined to try. If you succeed, this would be good for both of you and your kids. Good luck.

 

[Shai Gar]

Take him out on a date, a FUN date.
Fuck each others brains out in the toilets at your respective places of employment during a smoko break.
Parachute out of a plane and try your damnedest to land in an area you've prepared earlier for a quiet uninterrupted weekend where you can just relax and read.

 

[J. Cardigan]

If you want to do it and you both trust each other, then it's quite possible it will work out.

With that said, some things you spoke of (such as being aloof and lack of showing affection for people you don't really know) are going to be very difficult to change. I don't know about you, but I feel like being my own person and doing things the way I want to do them are parts of me that I shouldn't have to change for anyone.

If you feel like you want to change, more power to you, but if you're happy with the way you are then you might be putting yourself in a bad position by trying to change for others.

Take him out on a date?

Maybe this was supposed to be a joke, but I don't think it's a bad idea.

 

[Shai Gar]

Wasn't a joke.

In order to keep a relationship fresh, even ones decades old, you need to date.

 

[WellNoWonder]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Take the risk, but do it intelligently. Perhaps, getting back together would be easier and more likely to succeed with counseling, even if you've tried this before. Never discount the importance of an objective, third party perspective. The important thing is that you both seem inclined to try. If you succeed, this would be good for both of you and your kids. Good luck.

Thank you. I defnitely want to plan the getting back together. Our anniversary is Sunday, 7 freaking years can't believe it....

I definitely know the kids miss him, especially my daughter. We all went to the Detroit Science Center about a month ago, and I have some video on my phone. I played it yesterday and she burst out crying, then I burst out crying. My father was looking cynical about the whole thing; he couldn't believe she misses her father. But I know my kids.

Take him out on a date, a FUN date.
Fuck each others brains out in the toilets at your respective places of employment during a smoko break.
Parachute out of a plane and try your damnedest to land in an area you've prepared earlier for a quiet uninterrupted weekend where you can just relax and read.

:rofl:

I died when I read this. But he loves extreme sports and would be all for skiydiving into a picnic. We are going to date hard this weekend. We also have a wedding to go to, which is probably for some cosmic reason or another....heh

 

[WellNoWonder]

If you want to do it and you both trust each other, then it's quite possible it will work out.

With that said, some things you spoke of (such as being aloof and lack of showing affection for people you don't really know) are going to be very difficult to change. I don't know about you, but I feel like being my own person and doing things the way I want to do them are parts of me that I shouldn't have to change for anyone.

If you feel like you want to change, more power to you, but if you're happy with the way you are then you might be putting yourself in a bad position by trying to change for others.


Maybe this was supposed to be a joke, but I don't think it's a bad idea.

Hey J (holla).

One thing I can safely say is that a lot of times during our times together, I was functioning in that crazy ass ESTP mode, because I was stressed about numerous things and didn't know how to handle it. When I was calmer, I was the typical INFJ, hiding from his company and numerous friends (and I didn't trust half of them anyway because they seemed to appraising my booty and I hated it), and preferring to stay in the house rather than venture out on the ferries to Seattle, which he always wanted to do.

If I were a dude handling me, I'd probably see me as schizoid during the time. So I don't blame him for a lot of his "wtf" reactions to the things I was doing.

I just want to function as I am. And a lot of times, I was hiding myself from him because he is such a freakin extrovert and I felt inferior because I wasn't. And the times I pushed myself to be extroverted, I failed miserably and even ended up in a few drunken confrontations at a hick bar or two. It was terrible.

And what I've done is pretty much laid myself on the table (take it how you want lol) and told him, "Hey, this is me. Love it or leave it." About a month ago, we drank some champagne and toked up and really just laid everything out there.

I want to be an improved version of me, which takes into huge account my temper, handling of finances, and romance.

 

[Questingpoet]

Glad to here you are starting to straighten things out between you two. You are learning about yourself and adapting, and that's what it's all about. That never really stops--or shouldn't if you are going to continue to grow as a healthy human being. As I am finding out, it is better to make the hard choices earlier in life. If you choose wrongly, as many of us do, you have more time to correct them. And more options. That is why I so admire people who are getting up older and do something radical, like go back to school. You don't realise how hard that is until faced with something like that.

Keep working at it WNW, you are doing fine!! We'll toast you victories and INFJishness with Red pop and Vernors someday!

 

[J. Cardigan]

Hey J (holla).

I want to be an improved version of me, which takes into huge account my temper, handling of finances, and romance.

That's excellent. People try to change themselves too often, instead of building on a (hopefully) solid foundation. I think improving oneself is something everyone should strive for.

holla holla