Loneliness – What Kind?

[aeon]

Loneliness is an experience in which one perceives a relationship deficit—the sense that the quality or the number of one’s relationships are unsatisfactory.

People who experience social loneliness feel like they are not part of a group that shares their interests, that they do not belong, that they lack some measure of social integration, or experience their social network as deficient. Those more likely to experience social loneliness include people who have moved to a new school or job or migrated to a new country.

Those who experience emotional loneliness feel they lack intimacy, and have the perception they are missing an “intimate attachment relationship” or that their existing relationship is inadequate. Emotional loneliness is a very common experience in people who have recently divorced or become widowed.

Yay! Two ways to be unhappy! j/k ...I wonder if Enneagram sx subtypes are more prone to the latter, and Enneagram so subtypes the former.

Social and emotional loneliness in a large sample of Dutch adults aged 19-65: Associations with risk factors

From the abstract:

Multiple socio-demographic, health indicators and health behaviours were associated with higher scores on both types of loneliness, although the predictive power of multiple risk factors differed by type. Additionally, female gender, younger age, medium or high educational level and smoking were associated with lower social loneliness scores specifically, while having a paid job and lower body mass index were associated with lower emotional loneliness scores.

Risk factors associated with both types of loneliness (equal effect sizes) included being an immigrant and having a low income. Drinking and being physically active, in contrast, were linked with lower loneliness.

In some cases, effect sizes were not similar. For instance, living alone, being unmarried, psychological distress (e.g., anxiety, depression), joblessness, having a high body mass index, and suicidal thoughts were more strongly correlated with emotional loneliness, whereas poor health, having multiple chronic diseases, being an older man, and having a lower level of education were more strongly correlated with social loneliness.

-------

I suppose I have experienced social loneliness all my life, for a number of reasons, and given my sex, age, and health, it’s downhill from here. That said, this has never been a great bother either, because I have the desire to belong combined with the desire to avoid belonging to groups.

But emotional loneliness? It’s Hell on Earth for me. Is that because I am primary Enneagram sx subtype? I think so. Thankfully, I do not currently experience this. Not surprisingly, intimacy is my highest ideal, to know and be known, and abandonment is my greatest fear.

Are you lonely? If you dare to share, which kind?

Cheers,
Ian

 

[Elder]

I read this article the other day. My thoughts ran similar to yours.

I wonder if Enneagram sx subtypes are more prone to the latter, and Enneagram so subtypes the former.

I relate most to the social loneliness and identify as Enneagram so subtype.

I think you're on to something...

 

[mintoots]

I have been thinking about loneliness these past few years. It was a prevailing issue for me as a plus sized woman. Then I tried to actively date in spite of it and realized that wasn't the problem but myself. In terms of attracting a mate, it seems apparent that I am capable in that regard except I simply do not acknowledge my own value. I realized then that it was my skewed sense of self worth that is core to the loneliness I struggled with. I also realized that the the issue rooted into far more complex foundations, i.e. my relationship with my parents who in a way abandoned me thus cultivating a deep sense of unworthiness into my psyche, and my relationship with my foster family which had standards and inclinations towards control---- from this, I learned to conform to belong. Along the way, I silenced my personality and learned wearing masks. I grew up thinking they only love me conditionally. Years of this experience took root within me such that my only refuge became my friends. Ironically, it was also through friends that I learned that I am actually lovable as myself and that perhaps I could try to show this to my family bit by bit so I can be accepted as I am. That actually worked. Instead of surprising my family about my life, I learned to share. I learned to carry some of their burdens for them. I learned to connect with them anew as myself candidly and without being so triggered by their opinions of me no matter how different I am from them. If I can manage my friends and my students, surely I could respond healthily with family too. It really truly worked. Now, instead of seeing them as people I seek approval from, I realized that they have always loved me and supported me except I didn't let them. I didn't trust that they wouldn't hurt me. I now know that, just like all other relationships, they may hurt me once in a while but I will just have to work with them through it like I work it out with my friends and students.

Thus, I realized that loneliness in fact is a self-imposed isolation. It is a refusal to navigate emotions with other people. Once we do reach out, we start to open our eyes to why they love us or hate us at times. With enough reflection, we begin a sense of self understanding through reaching out in love.

I still feel lonely at times particularly when it is difficult to navigate differences but as time itself flows and as we keep working on connecting with others nonetheless and regardless, it actually begins to work out someway somehow.

I therefore conclude, that to conquer loneliness, we must begin with humble introspection and pay attention to their introspection too.

 

[Wyote]

For whatever reason, I've only at rare times felt loneliness.
I'm fortunate to be built in a lot of ways that counteract it from creeping in and making a home in any real way.
When I was younger I did feel like an alien in a lot of ways, but I never felt entirely disconnected to my fellow humans.
I have been through some pretty dark times, but I've always found threads to hang on to.
It's generally been easy for me to navigate socially when I'm in need of doing so.
I mean, not always. Sometimes people just wanna be turds. Makes things tricky, but I'm the embodiment of that, being a space coyote.

 

[Matty]

I have compartmentalized loneliness.

The 'friends' I hang around while engaged in physical activities like surfing, hiking, and swimming, I like being around for those activities, but there is a distinct dissatisfaction in me because there's no intellectual rapport. (So it's socially connecting but intellectually isolating).

People I engage with intellectually, at work and elsewhere I don't connect with socially or emotionally, so it's both engaging and isolating as well. It's as though all the bright people I spend time with socialise in formats which are very repellant to me: heavy drinking, lewd bars, alternative lifestyles, etc.

Women with whom I've engaged with intimately/emotionally, I don't feel a social or intellectual engagement with. I haven't been deliberately exclusionary, but when they try to get involved in what I like as recreation, or engage with me intellectually, it feels like the biggest unavoidable chore ever. It's especially agonising when they have tried to involve me in what they consider recreation: shopping, going to markets or exhibitions, day spas, etc. Relationships can be intellectually and socially isolating experiences for me.

The only time I don't feel isolated or lonely is when I'm by myself.

 

[keyring]

yea.. emotional loneliness does sound worse than social loneliness, though both are somehow interlinked. I can see talking to a plant can still feel great as talking to a person but it's not the same.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

I can see talking to a plant can still feel great as talking to a person but it's not the same.

Yes it's way nicer. No interruptions.

Joking aside. Yes at times I feel both. Not as much as I once did. It's something you get attuned to - there was a study I read, about inmates held in solitary confinement. Apparently the neurons and connections that drive us to make social connections slowly wither away over enough time, and it becomes increasingly difficult to bond or desire bonding with other human beings.

I feel mintoots makes some good points, though puts too much onus on the individual to overcome it when it's not always that reductionary.
However I imagine she meant it as a generality, not to be taken as a universal.

 

[mintoots]

However I imagine she meant it as a generality, not to be taken as a universal.

I did. Resolving loneliness is for sure circumstantial. Different environments, cultures, personalities, experiences... There are multiple factors that play into it. Presuming all those factors are already taken in to shape a particular kind of loneliness, I find that central to all of it is the self, which has the power to redefine most everything. I think that we have very powerful selves whose powers we may have not yet fully accessed and addressing loneliness could be one of those.

 

[aeon]

Resolving loneliness is for sure circumstantial. Different environments, cultures, personalities, experiences... There are multiple factors that play into it. Presuming all those factors are already taken in to shape a particular kind of loneliness, I find that central to all of it is the self, which has the power to redefine most everything. I think that we have very powerful selves whose powers we may have not yet fully accessed and addressing loneliness could be one of those.

Agreed. When I at last accepted myself, and then loved myself, any sense of loneliness left me. I was alone, but not lonely. The situation was the same, but my self was not.

Cheers,
Ian

 

[mintoots]

Agreed. When I at last accepted myself, and then loved myself, any sense of loneliness left me. I was alone, but not lonely. The situation was the same, but my self was not.

Cheers,
Ian

<3 i can relate to that.

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

I "exist" with it and I truly despise having to be in this situation but things could be worse though I feel sorry for others out there in this dung heap of a world that is having to deal with the same regardless of the reasons. Maybe in another life and in a better world....

 

[philostam]

Agree that emotional lonelinees is way worse. The good thing is you need only one intimate relationship to eradicate it. Honestly I cannot imagine not having a partner anymore, it would suck so much for me.

Social loneliness is meh, who cares. I don't belong to any group and don't feel like I'm missing out most of the time.

 

[aeon]

Agree that emotional lonelinees is way worse. The good thing is you need only one intimate relationship to eradicate it. Honestly I cannot imagine not having a partner anymore, it would suck so much for me.

Social loneliness is meh, who cares. I don't belong to any group and don't feel like I'm missing out most of the time.

Wait, did someone clone me in my sleep?

Lulz,
Ian

 

[Anomalous]

I suppose I would be sx/so in enneagram.

The causes of the two types of loneliness here would be linked and so, for me, there would be significant overlap. It's all painful for me. Essentially social loneliness can lead to emotional loneliness, since the former would constitute a lack of opportunity to resolve the latter.

 

[Umai]

Confirmed self-pres / sexual.

Emotional loneliness was always the greater problem by far. Social interaction could even markedly exacerbate it by highlighting the emotional gulf with others in general, leading to social interaction actually being disagreeable. But, as one gets older, one lives with it better.

Incidentally, and I'm not being trite here, but my own experience and some recent research suggest that reading fiction is an effective antidote. I forget the reasons. It's readily Google-able.

 

[Wyote]

Becoming a part of the narrative, whether through fiction or reality it seems is good for the brain.
The brain doesn't know the difference when engaging with most things.

Becoming a Vampire Without Being Bitten: The Narrative Collective-Assimilation Hypothesis on JSTOR

Shira Gabriel, Ariana F. Young, Becoming a Vampire Without Being Bitten: The Narrative Collective-Assimilation Hypothesis, Psychological Science, Vol. 22, No. 8 (AUGUST 2011), pp. 990-994

www.jstor.org

 

[Wyote]

Lucky for me, I AM THE NARRATIVE