[INFJ] - Loneliness and alone time | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Loneliness and alone time

Discussion in 'The INFJ Typology' started by RonjaRaeubertochter, Aug 15, 2018.

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  1. RonjaRaeubertochter

    RonjaRaeubertochter Community Member

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    What is your take on solitude?

    INFJs seem to crave quality alone time. On the other hand they may feel excluded, different or just lonely therefore.

    Do you value solitude or does it give you a bit of a scare, fellow INFJs?
     
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  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    I need both, but too much solitude is worse than too much company.

    If you're alone a lot, just make sure to keep your vitamin D levels up, as well as hormones in balance (exercise), otherwise the void will consume you and you'll have an existential crisis.

    I think this is largely a question of frequency of socialisation. Visiting with friends once or twice a week is probably ideal. I need to see people, but I need a break and my own space, otherwise when are you supposed to think/create?

    Loneliness itself is deadly. Being acutely lonely releases as much cortisol (stress hormone) as being punched in the face. Except repeatedly. All the time. If you are lonely, you should make it an absolute priority to fix it, and if you can't, then at least try.
     
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  3. Sandie33

    Sandie33 Love Often & Absolutely ♡
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    This

    I don't get lonely, but do enjoy my solitude, I'm the type that will strike up a conversation with a stranger im the super market, so for me there is always someone to talk with.
     
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  4. Made me think....a week ago a friend asked how I was doing...I responded...

    "Feeling lonely but not alone
    Sad but joyful
    Tired but still standing" :smiley:

    Alone time is so important for me but I also enjoy being around others and like @Sandie33, I'm very good at talking to strangers or randomly talking to myself!

    For me it really depends on the type of company around me...when I do let trusted people into my solitude space it's magical.
     
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  5. Emanuel Goldstein

    Emanuel Goldstein Community Member

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    I feel like I'm always alone, even when I'm with someone. It's kinda like seeing in color, but living in a black and white world... You know color exists, you've seen color, but you just don't see it often enough.
     
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  6. Ren

    Ren Pin's android / The Maker

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    Solitude is like a female praying mantis. A good companion, but don't get too close or it will eat you alive :grin:
     
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  7. OP
    RonjaRaeubertochter

    RonjaRaeubertochter Community Member

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    I like that simile a lot.
     
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  8. Emanuel Goldstein

    Emanuel Goldstein Community Member

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    I have a roommate, but I still feel alone all the time and as per normal frequently misunderstood and in atypical INFJ perfectionist fashion... Social situation are abandoned if the don't go perfectly... God forbid if you get critisized during a social situation.

    I feel like eventually a place gets used up.
     
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  9. Ginny

    Ginny Idiot Savante

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    Most of the time I get lonely when I'm alone for too long, without contact to the outside world. But even in a crowd, I cannot be part of it, which makes a social mask necessary. In some cases, I bear this social mask with my family as well, not just in social gatherings, but at home as well. It is most draining, pretending you can laugh about things you used to be able to laugh about without inhibition, but lately this has become a bothersome consequence of my constant worries and disinterest in the world. Don't get me wrong, I can still be funny and engaging, but I can't feel that fun myself in the same intensity.
     
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  10. Lady Jolanda

    Lady Jolanda Corrupt AF.
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    Hmm. I'm no INFJ, so my experience might differ from yours, but I'll throw my 2 cents in anyway.
    Loneliness and solitude are of course two very different things, and I don't even buy the implied premise that one is the cause of the other.

    Solitude is time you take for yourself. You shut out the world to introspect; reflect upon your own thoughts, feelings and experiences, needs, wants and desires, to connect with your own self. It is absolutely essential.
    If I don't get enough time alone, I start getting these very misanthropic thoughts. I hate people. Get away from me with your demands on my time and on my being.

    Loneliness is feeling disconnected. We think it's feeling disconnected from the world and people around us, but as you can feel lonely in a group or when surrounded by your closest friends, that proves that that isn't really true. No, loneliness is the result of a disconnect with yourself, and from that with the world.
    Solitude can actually be the solution to loneliness.

    Of course, balance is key. I'm not saying you should lock yourself up and don't interact with anyone for weeks.That's just as detrimental.
     
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  11. noisebloom

    noisebloom theory conspirer
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    Agree 100%. They need not be correlated, though for me they sometimes are.

    To answer the OP (though I am not an INFJ), solitude gives me a chance to hear myself think more clearly, and it gives me this sense of control that I need. Having the ability to be independent and do whatever the fuck I want without anyone else around is important. The barriers that normally impede my thought processes and endeavors are lifted.

    However, I do sometimes get this voice in my head: "You're only alone because no one really understands you, and no one really accepts you." I don't believe the voice most of the time, but it comes and goes. That feeling over time has led to loneliness, detachment, paranoia, etc. However, I get that same feeling of loneliness when I surround myself by people that I don't connect with... so given the choice between those two flavors of loneliness, I would probably choose solitude.
     
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  12. OP
    RonjaRaeubertochter

    RonjaRaeubertochter Community Member

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    Thanks for your insights @Lady Jolanda
     
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  13. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    I love solitude. I truly appreciate solitude to decompress and to focus on my tasks and goals. Like @Emanuel Goldstein said, I can feel alone when I'm with other people. Being in public does not peel away loneliness, it makes it worse.
    One of my biggest life issues, currently, is that there are very few people I "connect" with, and I am also too distrustful to fully open up and let new people in, thus making it more difficult for me to find connection.

    For a long time my life was really social and crowd-oriented. I got burned out often, but I believed in what I was doing, and I connected with some of the people on a deep level, so it was worth it. I am so introverted and shy, but it was easier to pretend to be extroverted because it made others more comfortable. Over time I created more space for solitude, studying, and focusing on my work, and I had a good balance. It worked well, until it didn't work.

    Now, I live in a quiet place. It's so beautiful and peaceful here and makes me truly happy. We only go to gatherings about once a week, and that once a week can still feel like too much. I end up staring into my phone as if I'm hoping I'll find an app that will transport me back to solitude. I may have fun, but I feel drained by settings where I'm not connecting with anyone, and the entertainment isn't inspiring. (Plus, my autoimmune disorder causes fatigue and physical pain, so I have physical limits now.) I never want to stay long. That said, if a friend or acquaintance calls asking for help with haying, or with the horses or dogs, I always say, "Yes," and I'm happy to do it. I feel completely drained and exhausted by being in situations where there is no connection, meaning, or helpful purpose, even if the same situations offers that to others.
     
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  14. noisebloom

    noisebloom theory conspirer
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    I relate. :sorrowfulhug:
     
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  15. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    Same, which makes sense as it's a very INTP way of viewing solitude. There's a lot of noise in my head even at the quietest of times. When I'm around other people for too long, the noise inside + the noise outside can start to become grating. And the "noise outside" needn't be talking. Just the awareness of other people being around can be a distraction from clear and concise thought (example - I get more work tasks accomplished, and often perform them more effectively, when working from home than at the office).

    I don't suffer from 'sensory overload' in crowds; there are times when I even welcome the feel of a crowd (at concerts, especially). But at some point I have to get away and STAY away from others. An hour or two here and there won't cut it, at least not completely. I need full day(s) at a time by myself for maximum positive recharge. There are a lot of weekends where I barely leave the house and don't really interact face-to-face with anyone, and that is perfect. It's not a sensory thing for me, it's a brain function thing. My brain simply does not work properly without the regular opportunity to switch off the social algorithms.

    As far as loneliness goes, I've certainly felt it when alone for too long. And I have been (more or less) alone for some very long stretches of time in my life. That said, I'd much rather live as a hermit than be stuck dealing with people I have no hope of a connection with.
     
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  16. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    This is highly relatable, despite not being an INTP.
     
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  17. Infjente

    Infjente Community Member

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    I don't know if I ever have felt the actual feeling of loneliness :nomouth: I have noticed that I don't function well mentally and physically if I've spent too much time away from people, and I do miss people I care about after a while, but I can't remember ever 'feeling lonely'. Is it a distinct feeling that you recognize instantly as loneliness, or is it stress/sadness/any basic feeling in the context of being alone, or something else?
     
  18. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    I felt it as a desperate need for, but lack of, intimacy, specifically with a significant other (I was single).

    In fact, I think lack of intimacy could be a good definition. If it's something you're craving (a good, deep conversation with a friend, or a cuddle on the couch), then you might be lonely.
     
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  19. Infjente

    Infjente Community Member

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    Hmmm... I have felt that before! I guess I felt lonely :smiley: Okay, a lot of things came to mind now. I might have confused feeling lonely with fearing loneliness.
     
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  20. Lady Jolanda

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    Holyshitbananas. This is so spot on!

    I was going to write about how solitude is needed to tune into your own voice (the one in your head) cause otherwise it just gets drowned out by all the other voices, but I didn't think people would understand what I'm talking about. But you do.
     
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