Just Have To Get It Out There

I

idealisticdreamer

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
All the thoughts in my head are driving me nuts so I just need to get it out there to people who may understand. I just recently got out of a relationship with a great guy (INTJ). We both felt like it was miraculous how we got together, instantly clicked, had great chemistry, etc. and then he started checking out once things were becoming serious. I think the problem is I have a child from a previous relationship and he realized that wasn't going to make him happy long-term, which if that is the case I'm glad he realized it before it was too late. But the way we broke up, I feel like he wasn't transparent enough and it has left me mulling over all the things that could've possibly went wrong and I'm quite disillusioned, to be honest. I don't know if all those special moments we shared were just special to me and an act for him or if those moments were real but he just realized things had to end. I really wished he had just told me his specific reasons for breaking up so that it could make logical sense to me. As far as I'm concerned, it seemed we had the perfect relationship, something that generally only happens once in a lifetime and that most people could only HOPE to find. This was not my first relationship, or my longest, and yet it is the most difficult one for me to process. I am fine being alone and have accepted the breakup, forgiven, etc. and yet I'm still left wondering what in the world happened!

Of course it doesn't help that I can't really give people a good reason why we broke up, just some guesses...and their perception of him is that he was truly a great guy who I never said a negative word about. He also thought we were perfect for each other but somewhere along the line a shift happened. :( My aunt just told me I need to call him up, work things out and we need to go on a mini-vacay for a weekend! I'm not going to do that, he wants to get over me despite supposedly having strong feelings for me and I'm not going to interrupt that process when I don't even know the specifics of what went wrong or if it's fixable. I'm assuming it's not, coming from an INTJ.
 
Hmmmm, INTJ and strong feelings. I say no.
 
He should probably ask him the specifics of why he broke up with you, he at least owes you that. And you'll more than likely drive yourself up a wall dwelling on it. If he doesn't want to be with you fine, but there needs to be a reason to gain some closure on your side.
 
My research suggests that intjs all suffer from being emotionally...um stunted.
 
DonTaushMe said:
He should probably ask him the specifics of why he broke up with you, he at least owes you that. And you'll more than likely drive yourself up a wall dwelling on it. If he doesn't want to be with you fine, but there needs to be a reason to gain some closure on your side.
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I agree, but I don't think he wants to give me the reason(s)...which does suck. I think I've just accepted most people are not like me--I have always told people I'm breaking up with exactly why I'm breaking up with them, even if I know it will hurt. But at least there is no guessing game afterwards and they can use it as a tool for improvement for future relationships. But now that I'm a month removed, the idea of contacting him makes me cringe.

Eventhorizon said:
My research suggests that intjs all suffer from being emotionally...um stunted.
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Yeah, seems so. Part of me thinks the feelings scared him.
 
idealisticdreamer said:
I agree, but I don't think he wants to give me the reason(s)...which does suck. I think I've just accepted most people are not like me--I have always told people I'm breaking up with exactly why I'm breaking up with them, even if I know it will hurt. But at least there is no guessing game afterwards and they can use it as a tool for improvement for future relationships. But now that I'm a month removed, the idea of contacting him makes me cringe.
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Lol well yeah, if it's been a month probably don't. But if this kind of thing happens again you need to ask whomever what the fuck. In this case you pretty well let him walk all over you, and while that's awesome for me to see because I love being around those kinds of people because I want to protect them and I like to protect them, I can't protect you sweetheart. This is not something that 'shouldn't' happen to you, this is something you need to not let happen to you again.

But yeah, if it's been a month I'd say let it be because in all reality he's not good enough for you.
 
I think those moments were special to both of you, but maybe you're idealizing the relationship based on those alone. Once in a lifetime.. really? Did you express these feelings? Maybe he felt differently for that reason alone.. or maybe he's not sure what he wants in a relationship.. perhaps children aren't his thing? I can only make simple guesses based on the amount of info..can you elaborate more on why your relationship was perfect and/or why you think it was a once in a lifetime sort of thing?

I don't know, I don't think a perfect relationship really exists (imho)...Sure, some people/types are inherently more compatible and run into less problems, but there's always going to be some issue/s. You can still share beautiful moments and times where you feel like everything is "right" and that you're perfectly compatible, but feelings (amongst other things) can change.
 
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Endersgone said:
I think those moments were special to both of you, but maybe you're idealizing the relationship based on those alone. Once in a lifetime.. really? Did you express these feelings? Maybe he felt differently for that reason alone.. or maybe he's not sure what he wants in a relationship.. perhaps children aren't his thing? I can only make simple guesses based on the amount of info..can you elaborate more on why your relationship was perfect and/or why you think it was a once in a lifetime sort of thing?

I don't know, I don't think a perfect relationship really exists (imho)...Sure, some people/types are inherently more compatible and run into less problems, but there's always going to be some issue/s. You can still share beautiful moments and times where you feel like everything is "right" and that you're perfectly compatible, but feelings (amongst other things) can change.
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=/ Reality sucks *sobs a little*
 
You're going to be alright.

Here's my thoughts in response to a couple of the things you wrote, I've got my own style in thinking about these things so I hope I dont appear like a jerk, anyway here goes.

idealisticdreamer said:
All the thoughts in my head are driving me nuts so I just need to get it out there to people who may understand.
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Its good to talk, or vent, maybe just use a journal if need be. Get your thinking done and dont let it take over. Read some good fiction or non-fiction, whatever allows you to get headspace away from this but doesnt create as many questions. Its important to get good sleep too.

But the way we broke up, I feel like he wasn't transparent enough and it has left me mulling over all the things that could've possibly went wrong and I'm quite disillusioned, to be honest. I don't know if all those special moments we shared were just special to me and an act for him or if those moments were real but he just realized things had to end.
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What difference would it make? The relationship is ended or at least fundamentally changed.

I really wished he had just told me his specific reasons for breaking up so that it could make logical sense to me.
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What difference would that make? Logical sense is no antidote to emotional impact or pain.

As far as I'm concerned, it seemed we had the perfect relationship, something that generally only happens once in a lifetime and that most people could only HOPE to find. This was not my first relationship, or my longest, and yet it is the most difficult one for me to process. I am fine being alone and have accepted the breakup, forgiven, etc. and yet I'm still left wondering what in the world happened!
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I once read a book called The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm in which Fromm wrote about how most people are stuck on an idea of the grande amour, the soul searing love, as a result they sacrifice a lot of relationships which fall short of the ideal, that falling in love involves more falling than it does love, all of which makes real, imperfect relationships impossible and the ending, should that happen, very difficult indeed. I only mention this because reading about these things has helped me in the past when I've been rationalising or hashing things out after relationship breakdowns and the like. Maybe it will help. Also I'd recommend a book Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, its written by a therapist but its full of true grit commonsensical wisdom without being cynical.

Of course it doesn't help that I can't really give people a good reason why we broke up, just some guesses...and their perception of him is that he was truly a great guy who I never said a negative word about. He also thought we were perfect for each other but somewhere along the line a shift happened. :( My aunt just told me I need to call him up, work things out and we need to go on a mini-vacay for a weekend! I'm not going to do that, he wants to get over me despite supposedly having strong feelings for me and I'm not going to interrupt that process when I don't even know the specifics of what went wrong or if it's fixable. I'm assuming it's not, coming from an INTJ.
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What difference will that make? Why is that important? Sometimes "It didnt work out" is all the explanation there is.

I've experienced some crazy love in my time, realised it was 95% in my head or imagined or exaggerated, then not wished to admit that and set out to prove to myself it was what I'd imagined, realised it wasnt, realised that I seemed obsessed or stupid to any onlooker, realised that maybe the other person had purposes or was engaged in gamesplaying without wishing to hurt anyone or anything like that, finally drew as much of a line under it all as I could, moved on to other equally emotionally challenging, conflicted and much less than ideal situations and accepted that all as some what inevitable in life.

I dont know if any of this helps, I largely expect that it wont but take heart and have hope. In life you must.
 
Lark said:
You're going to be alright.

I dont know if any of this helps, I largely expect that it wont, but take heart and have hope. In life you must.
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^Seconded, and I apologize if I came off as a bit intrusive/uncaring ~ I'd like to help/give answers, but in some situations there isn't much I can do/provide.
Feedback and support can certainly be beneficial though.

I wish you the best OP (know you're in a tough situation).
 
I can probably give you some insight into how an intj thinks if you are interested. I have ended relationships before recognizing that while I like someone a great deal, I dont love them and I dont think it to be fair to take away their chance at finding real love. You see while I may not ever be able to find love, it doesnt mean I dont recognize its worth.
 
Ending a relationship is never easy for anyone. Perhaps the reason why he didn't give you a concrete, logical reason for breaking things off is because he didn't really have one. It's easy to get caught up with MBTI and stereotypes, but people are people and it's rare that anyone is really able to put a finger on why a relationship isn't working out when there isn't any extrinsic reason for it. Sometimes you just don't feel comfortable in a relationship anymore and the feelings aren't there and it's time to go.

I don't think asking your ex for a reason for the relationship ending is really necessary for closure. Sometimes the honest answer is much too complicated to express and it may change several times in the context of one conversation, only confusing you more.

Mind you, I'm not trying to discourage you from asking him about it if that's what you want to do. If you get an answer you need, great. Use that to move on. If you don't, it's likely you never will. At the end of the day, the hard truth is that most of the work in moving on is going to start with you making peace with the simple fact that the relationship is over, good reasons, bad reasons or no reasons.

Having been there many times in my life, I can deeply sympathize.
 
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Eventhorizon said:
I can probably give you some insight into how an intj thinks if you are interested. I have ended relationships before recognizing that while I like someone a great deal, I dont love them and I dont think it to be fair to take away their chance at finding real love. You see while I may not ever be able to find love, it doesnt mean I dont recognize its worth.
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I've done that too, in fact its probably why I'm single at the minute, people who I meet at the minute, and I'm in my mid thirties, are all about settling down or something serious, even people who say they want a casual relationship, and it doesnt work if you've got a mindset which is the opposite.
 
Endersgone said:
I think those moments were special to both of you, but maybe you're idealizing the relationship based on those alone. Once in a lifetime.. really? Did you express these feelings? Maybe he felt differently for that reason alone.. or maybe he's not sure what he wants in a relationship.. perhaps children aren't his thing? I can only make simple guesses based on the amount of info..can you elaborate more on why your relationship was perfect and/or why you think it was a once in a lifetime sort of thing?
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I'm on my phone so won't write too much, but HE expressed those things. He said I'm 99% what he's looking for in a wife, that's why I lean more towards the kid thing. Even when breaking up he says he thinks he feels crazy because we have great chemistry, I'm beautiful, funny, smart, kind, thoughtful, blah blah blah and a girl like me doesn't grow on trees. He said he's never been this close to anyone and that he saw me as the female version of his mind, and that he felt our souls touched.

I wonder if they were just empty words.

We got along extremely well, have the same values, share many interests and life goals. Never argued, always seemed excited to see me, set the dates, etc. I don't know, I just think it's what most people would want unless they like drama.
 
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Eventhorizon said:
I can probably give you some insight into how an intj thinks if you are interested. I have ended relationships before recognizing that while I like someone a great deal, I dont love them and I dont think it to be fair to take away their chance at finding real love. You see while I may not ever be able to find love, it doesnt mean I dont recognize its worth.
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I don't mind reality checks, I don't take offense to much. I know in reality I'll get over it in time. I'm actually beating myself up for not being over it yet. I feel like I gave away a huge part of my soul.

:) Would you be OK with me PMing you?
 
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