Jealousy

[Curiosilla]

I'm curious to hear your perspectives on this:

If you are in a relationship with someone--would you mind if he or she has many friends of the gender they are attracted to?

Why or why not?

Would you consider yourself the "jealous type"?

why or why not?

Some people would say that jealousy is basicly insecurity--could you contribute a different reasoning for it?

 

[Gaze]

If you are in a relationship with someone--would you mind if he or she has many friends of the gender they are attracted to? Why or why not?
- not sure. I'd probably prefer if he have a few and not many. But it probably depends more on the type of relationship though. If he is sharing and doing things with them which he should be doing or discussing with me - his SO, then it could be a problem.

Would you concider yourself the "jealous type"? why or why not?
- can't say i am not the jealous type. I am not going to fight or compete for a guy - that much is clear. If he does something to make me jealous, then there will be some problems, and possible goodbyes.

Some people would say that jealousy is basicly insecurity--could you contribute a different reasoning for it?
- i don't agree. if you are in a committed relationship and someone is spending time with someone in a way that should be only done with their SO, then yeah, jealousy is justified. But if someone is insecure, not because of what their SO is doing, but because of fear or anxiety about losing their partner, than that's a separate issue. In that case, it's a personal issue which can't be resolved by trying to control their SO by making them feel guilty about everything they do.

 

[Faye]

What kind of friends are we talking here? Just friends? Friends that want to be more than just friends? Special friends?

 

[Curiosilla]

What kind of friends are we talking here? Just friends? Friends that want to be more than just friends? Special friends?

I want you to distinguish the reaction between all of these.

 

[This]

Personally I'm not at all the jealous type in romance, although if she was fooling around with other people I'd want to be able to also but that's not like really something I'm into it just seems like it should be fair on both sides of the equation. As far as just being friends with someone I have no idea why I'd be uncomfortable with that at all.

 

[Curiosilla]

Personally I'm not at all the jealous type in romance, although if she was fooling around with other people I'd want to be able to also but that's not like really something I'm into it just seems like it should be fair on both sides of the equation. As far as just being friends with someone I have no idea why I'd be uncomfortable with that at all.

what if, like Res said, "If he is sharing and doing things with them which he should be doing or discussing with me" ---?

 

[This]

what if, like Res said, "If he is sharing and doing things with them which he should be doing or discussing with me" ---?

To me it would depend on how old the friendship is, having several female friends that are some of my best friends I can't imagine severing ties with them so to speak. Everyone needs a sort of vent area to talk about their relationships with someone other than their partner in my opinion.

 

[Curiosilla]

- not sure. I'd probably prefer if he have a few and not many. But it probably depends more on the type of relationship though. If he is sharing and doing things with them which he should be doing or discussing with me - his SO, then it could be a problem.

Can you give some examples of the things he should be sharing with you as opposed to a friend?

 

[aerosol]

Very jealous.

I don't like sharing the people I love.

 

[bagelriffic]

tough to say until it happens. im certainly capable of it whether i think its justified or not it just happens sometimes like any other emotion, whether i act on it or not is another issue. but we can't have a jealousy thread without sharing natalie merchants melodic thoughts on the matter;

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PjLkB7BlpA"]YouTube - Jealousy[/ame]

 

[Gaze]

Can you give some examples of the things he should be sharing with you as opposed to a friend?

hard to give specifics but sharing too much about our relationship with them, or spend too much time talking about me negatively, which only creates more dissatisfaction and may make it easier for the girlfriends they're sharing with to seem like the better option - of course, that definitely sounds like jealous thinking. If he sid pending time talking with them about their feelings about the relationship or a major problem they're having, or decision they need to make, without discussing it with me. Also, spend time going out with them quite often or it could be something as simple as communicating by texting, phone, etc. more often than they do with me. In other words, if they are doing things which suggest they'd prefer spending most of their time doing something with them than with me, then yeah, i'd be jealous, reasonably so.

 

[This]

hard to give specifics but sharing too much about our relationship with them, or spend too much time talking about me negatively, which only creates more dissatisfaction and may make it easier for the girlfriends they're sharing with to seem like the better option - of course, that definitely sounds like jealous thinking. If he sid pending time talking with them about their feelings about the relationship or a major problem they're having, or decision they need to make, without discussing it with me. Also, spend time going out with them quite often or it could be something as simple as communicating by texting, phone, etc. more often than they do with me. In other words, if they are doing things which suggest they'd prefer spending most of their time doing something with them than with me, then yeah, i'd be jealous, reasonably so.

Doesn't that seem more like narcism than jealousy though? People can't always talk about what they're feeling with their partner peoples feeling could get really really hurt. What if you thought your partner was getting too fat or you hated their mother, there's certain issues I just think you can't bring up.

 

[Gaze]

Doesn't that seem more like narcism than jealousy though? People can't always talk about what they're feeling with their partner peoples feeling could get really really hurt. What if you thought your partner was getting too fat or you hated their mother, there's certain issues I just think you can't bring up.

I never said my partner shouldn't have friends or have the right to friendships with other women. I said, it depends on the nature of the relationship they have which is the issue. I never said, my partner will be restricted to only talking with about certain things or that i will forbid them from sharing things with others. So, no, it's not narcissism. I have let a lot of people get a way with a lot by being too "understanding" so i know what i mean when i say, there's a fine line between sharing and "sharing." I don't know why i would not have a right to expect my partner to see some things as just being between us. If not, we'd just be your average run of the mill friends, which is fine as long as you don't pretend i'm supposed to be the most emotionally and physically intimate person in your life while your actions suggest otherwise. Since personal or romantic relationships are meant to be more, i don't see a problem with having these expectations of my partner.

 

[This]

First of all, i choose my wording very carefully when i write. I never said my partner shouldn't have friends or have the right to friendships with other women. I said, it depends on the nature of the relationship they have which is the issue. I never said, my partner will be restricted to only talking with about certain things or that i will forbid them from sharing things with others. So, no, it's not narcissism. I have let a lot of people get a way with a lot by being too "understanding" so i know what i mean when i say, there's a fine line between sharing and "sharing." I don't know why i would not have a right to expect my partner to see some things as just being between us. If not, we'd just be your average run of the mill friends, which is fine as long as you don't pretend i'm supposed to be the most emotionally and physically intimate person in your life while your actions suggest otherwise. Since personal or romantic relationships are meant to be more, i don't see a problem with having these expectations of my partner.

I suppose so although I think it would be fair to say you need to look for a partner that shares those same values, there are many people that are very naturally open about everything, and I don't think you could live with one. for example I was out with two of my friends last night, one I know well and the other I don't. They where both discussing their sex lives and the size of their boyfriend's equipment with me (Yes it was very awkward and I wanted to run, lol). So you really need to find someone who shares that same type of demi-sexuality.

 

[Gaze]

I suppose so although I think it would be fair to say you need to look for a partner that shares those same values, there are many people that are very naturally open about everything, and I don't think you could live with one. for example I was out with two of my friends last night, one I know well and the other I don't. They where both discussing their sex lives and the size of their boyfriend's equipment with me (Yes it was very awkward and I wanted to run, lol). So you really need to find someone who shares that same type of demi-sexuality.

It has nothing to do with sharing those values. It has to do with people choosing to keeping the committments they make and not pretending to be something they're not. If you say you're with someone, and both of you agree to place each other first in some things, then to do otherwise is a betrayal of the relationship. If you don't want to be held accountable for those committments, then don't make the committment and then blame the other person for not allowing you to be "free". Too many people use "openess" in sexual relationships to justify cheating. If you don't want to have that kind of relationship with someone, where you are exclusive, then don't enter into that kind of relationship. Be honest with yourself, if not the person you're with.

 

[This]

It has nothing to do with sharing those values. It has to do with people choosing to keeping the committments they make and not pretending to be something they're not. If you say you're with someone, and both of you agree to place each other first in some things, then to do otherwise is a betrayal of the relationship. If you don't want to be held accountable for those committments, then don't make the committment and then blame the other person for not allowing you to be "free". Too many people use "openess" in sexual relationships to justify cheating. If you don't want to have that kind of relationship with someone, where you are exclusive, then don't enter into that kind of relationship. Be honest with yourself, if not the person you're with.

yes, but what people consider to be cheating differs from person to person. All I meant to say is that you need to be upfront about how you feel about it when you get involved, I don't think many people are.

 

[not sure]

Doesn't that seem more like narcism than jealousy though? People can't always talk about what they're feeling with their partner peoples feeling could get really really hurt. What if you thought your partner was getting too fat or you hated their mother, there's certain issues I just think you can't bring up.

I agree with this completely. It's simply not practical to talk about everything with your partner. There are just going to be some issues with which the partner cannot relate. We are human beings and we need to interact with a variety of other human beings. We don't understand everything and we can't satisfy a person's every need. It's a romantic idea to think so but not practical. I also think it ultimately leads to resentment and guilt.

Partners shouldn't keep secrets from each other about important issues but the little things can slide. No one should have to give blow-by-blow accounts of their activities, ideas or feelings unless they want to do that. We are individuals first. Sometimes people need to be open and sometimes they need to retreat. Sometimes they'll become distant and sometimes you'll be closer than ever. It's like the ebb and flow of the tide. To accept it requires trust, not blind faith. Don't be a jail keeper.

I abhor jealousy. Of course, you want to know that your needed and valued but, if you need to chain your partner either, you are with the wrong person or you have issues.

Finally, it isn't cool to share the intimate details of your romantic relationships with others, even if your friends are mutual. It's thoroughly classless in my opinion.

 

[Bird]

Curiosilla, what is your perspective on this?

 

[Neuropedia]

I'm jealous of them
not over them

I wish I could have alot of hot friends and run around binge drinking smoking pot and having a jolly time like they can
but I can't because I'm irrevocably broken or something

either way though my jealousy will destroy the relationship

 

[Gaze]

yes, but what people consider to be cheating differs from person to person. All I meant to say is that you need to be upfront about how you feel about it when you get involved, I don't think many people are.

open relationships are not my thing and never will be, and the people i date would clearly know that. It's the partner who likes to sit on the fence who has the issues - the one who says one minute they're in a relationship and committed to being with one person, but who uses people outside the relationship to have needs met which should be met within the relationship they've committed to.