It's hard to commit | INFJ Forum

It's hard to commit

Spiritual Leo

Spiritual Leo

On Holiday
Apr 14, 2011
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Recently, I find myself wondering about relationships. I truly would like to be in one, but it is so hard to open up and I'm just not good with the small talk. It seems like I can hold a deep conversation with anyone, but when it comes down to it... I am more like a peer counselor.... I have had girls ask me out throughout college and most of them were good hearted people, but I just fear the whole commitment thing. I like being alone and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt someone for wanting to be alone in my room reading for hours or writing... It seems like I really want a relationship, but question if I am even ready. There is a real sweet girl that I have been hanging out with and I really know that she likes me... I even hang out with her and her family a-lot... Her mom even asked me if I would date her which has never happened to me.... Goshhh any advice? I just don't know what to do anymore?

I really want to be with someone, but I also want to be alone.... I don't know... Anybody else ever feel this way?
 
In your mind, in what ways would actually dating her be different than the hanging out with her that you are already doing?
 
I'm only there once a week and sometimes... I am gone for a few weeks.... I know that she would want me to be around more and I don't want to hurt her... But y'know I could just be coming up with excuses because I am afraid to admit that I am afraid of relationships.... I dated a girl for four years, and we really never argued or anything... It was the greatest time of our lives and then we got into the party scene.... She cheated on me 2 times... I guess that it still bothers me
 
Maybe be clear and say you want to take it slow? You need your time to yourself. Make your demands/boundaries clear. I would respect someone's need for personal time/writing of course, but I would expect to gradually be phased into my partners life after a while. All I can suggest is be clear with what you want and your expectations. Ask her how she would feel about you needing that time and if that's something she can accept. Lay it all out.
 
So do you think you're afraid of actual commitment, or more afraid to care for someone who may hurt you as you have been in the past?
 
dream echo said:
So do you think you're afraid of actual commitment, or more afraid to care for someone who may hurt you as you have been in the past?
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I really don't think that she would hurt me, but yes... I am still nervous because of past relationship problems...
 
lantern said:
Maybe be clear and say you want to take it slow? You need your time to yourself. Make your demands/boundaries clear. I would respect someone's need for personal time/writing of course, but I would expect to gradually be phased into my partners life after a while. All I can suggest is be clear with what you want and your expectations. Ask her how she would feel about you needing that time and if that's something she can accept. Lay it all out.
Click to expand...


Thank you. I think that I might give that a try./... I am just nervous
 
Trust takes time, treat it like fine wine.
Clear communication is a plus, too.
I agree with Lantern's comments,
healthy boundaries are essential
(they also adjust over time to
accommodate, like a cocoon).
 
I hear you... relationships terrify me. I'm scared to death to commit.
 
well, commiting, to me, means marriage. dating means being exclusive-- for now.
if someone wants you enough to ask you to be exclusive, you dont have to be with them forever; take that as their offer to see if theyre worth it for you.
 
I worry about having to hurt them if I want out.
 
[MENTION=3963]Spiritual Leo[/MENTION] How do you feel when you're with this girl? Do you long to be near her, or talking to her when you're not? Do you think of things you want to tell her every day?
 
[MENTION=4015]purplecrayons[/MENTION] as do i! would they want you to hurt for them if you did want out?
 
Not if they were good... and if they're good, all the more reason for me to stay away & not cause them pain. I know you're making sense [MENTION=2259]Kmal[/MENTION]. I'm just scared. I can't know for certain that someone can make me happy, and I fear I will fail them as well. OP, I hope we will try, anyway, & overcome our fear.
 
I don't commit simply because I can hardly understand and love myself, how do I expect to really understand and love another?

I don't need anyone to complete me or give me happiness. To me, that is a cop out in trying to figure out and love myself; looking for salvation and love elsewhere.
 
purplecrayons said:
Not if they were good... and if they're good, all the more reason for me to stay away & not cause them pain. I know you're making sense @Kmal. I'm just scared. I can't know for certain that someone can make me happy, and I fear I will fail them as well. OP, I hope we will try, anyway, & overcome our fear.
Click to expand...
there arent a lot of people in this world that can make an INFJ happy, huh?? however, i think that once you become happy, it will be easier for others to make you happy! please dont be scared! sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy-- but it is :D
 
[MENTION=678]AUM[/MENTION], I totally agree.

[MENTION=2259]Kmal[/MENTION] :HUGS:
 
You can commit to an appropriate agreed distance.
 
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purplecrayons said:
@Spiritual Leo How do you feel when you're with this girl? Do you long to be near her, or talking to her when you're not? Do you think of things you want to tell her every day?
Click to expand...

I feel great around her and we always have really good conversations, but it is still difficult. I think that I am just going to continue to get to know her more until I am ready because I don't want to pass up something good... It is hard though starting over with a new relationship
 
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