Is this the end?

[AnimeGirl2501]

As some of you may know, I'm currently divorcing my wife.

She lives 360 miles away. I have contact by webcam session every Wednesday at 7pm. The thing is this doesn't actually go anywhere because my kids are Autistic, so it only lasts a few minutes, there really is no point to it, it's the same with phonecalls.

Recently, I've started to grow apart from my children and I keep their bedroom locked and I never enter it. So I'm walking away and staying out of their lives, I can't be in their lives in any meaningful way whatsoever, well, as far as I can see anyway.

So tonight I made the decision to walk away from them for good. Some may see this as selfish, I see it as letting them be free. Besides sooner or later the other children from their schools will find out I'm Transsexual and they'll get copious amounts of bullying.

I sit here crying, but deep down I know I have to do this to protect my children from bigots, even though in an ideal world it shouldn't have to be this way. S what can I say? Well I feel s damn guilty, I feel as if I've abandoned my kids, which in a sense I have I guess.

 

[GracieRuth]

You have every right to break off a relationship with an adult. You have no right to abandon your kids. If you need help with parenting skills, there are plenty of agencies that will help you. Being a parent is the most difficult thing you will ever do. But for better or for worse, you signed onto it. You will find that kids are pretty resilient. There is always going to be SOMETHING a bully can pick on -- if not your transexuality, it would be the way you slice their sandwiches. The best thing you can do for your kids is instill in them a sense of confidence and knowledge that they can adequately defend themselves. It's not a one size fits all thing, but I found that learning Kung Fu helped my own two kids enormously.

 

[AnimeGirl2501]

I don't think it's a good idea, my soon to be ex-wife is 360 miles away, attends a pentecostal church ( which she is also making my kids attend ) and she has enrolled them in Roman Catholic schools. She has residence and I only have a contact order which gives me the right to see them once every 4-6 months. I asked her " when the kids turn to you and ask if I'm going t go to Hell because I'm Transsexual, what will you tell them? " she replied " they are to young to understand "

I asked " but they will eventually ask, so what will you tell them? " she refused to answer.

At the end of the day, I'm transsexual and society will never accept me or people like me. I'm wasting my time trying to fight, in my hearts of hearts I genuinely wish I'd died that day. Then everyone could have just moved on and left me behind, now I've lost the courage to do that now and I've left my children without a father and I'm a parody of a parent.

This sucks and I just want to get off this ride.

 

[Sriracha]

On a very odd note, one of my best friends (this past year) divorced her husband of 15 years b/c he is transsexual. I won't go into the story of their hidden secret b/c it doesn't matter. She moved many miles away. After the divorce was final, he came to visit his daughters. They all went to a counseling session to discuss properly "divorce" with the children (he always worked away from home, so he was never really "in the picture" to begin with.) During this session he decided to announce to everyone ... including his 10 and 12 yo daughters that he will be having a sex change into a woman.

Jaw drop. Then he left to go back home the next day. He basically created a huge mess for her to have to clean up. She said that the youngest is still incredibly confused and the older is very upset. The older had mentioned to me (when her father texted her) how upset she was. I said, "You need to reply to him. He will always be your father and he will always love you." She sighed and said "I know."

My advice is this. #1: Do not share information that you are transsexual/gendered, b/c they are not mature enough to understand. #2: if you see them ... dress in unisex clothing but not obviously flamboyant women's attire. #3 Stay in their lives. When they are much older (like 18) and question where you have been, they are old enough to understand .. but please always remember to talk to children according to their age of understanding.

Everyone deserves to be happy, including you. You know that if you stayed where you were ... you would be miserable and thus create a miserable environment for everyone. It is better his way.

 

[David54]

this is a tough one. . I dont have any sage advice. .I just feel your pain. . there are situations that have no answers. . not every human situation is covered in the book of life's instructions. . .
this one certainly is not. . . although I wonder if you have sought out a group/forum or other gathering of transexual folk that could offer more personal help with this. .

 

[Vicarious]

I have to say, I completely agree with what [MENTION=4576]GracieRuth[/MENTION] said. I have seen what happens to children whose father abandoned them firsthand. It creates all sorts of issues, from abandonment issues to their blaming themselves and feeling as though they aren't worth their father's time. Do you HONESTLY feel that it would be MORE beneficial to your children for you to just completely disappear and are you willing to accept the consequences that could arise? Regardless whether they are autistic or not, whether it's 2 minute video call or a 20 minute video call, it is the EFFORT that is important...that is what means something to them. I have one child with mild MR (he has some autistic tendencies too) and even he understands the concept that his Dad is never around and makes zero effort the majority of the time. It doesn't affect him as much as it does my other children, but it's still there and it is noticeable. Children do notice these things when they see other families, so telling yourself that they won't notice is just wishful thinking. I am going to be very blunt here, and I apologize if I sound rude but this is exactly what I would tell anyone else in this situation: You are being selfish and you need to consider what is best for those kids, not for you, not for their mom, and not out of convenience. Children are not pawns and are not to be used as excuses to fight with your ex, and she needs to understand this as well. YOU need to make the effort, that is not their responsibility and you are the adult here. If you make the effort and their mother refuses, then that is on her shoulders and she will have to deal with those consequences herself. I think both of you and your ex would benefit from a "Children in the Middle" class of some sort. My ex-husband is not someone I would prefer my kids being around long-term, but regardless of how often he breaks his promises to my children...I have not and will not refuse to allow him to see them, but it is on my terms because of some safety concerns. Still, I believe my kids have a right to see their Dad when he does come around and to make their own decisions about him as they are able. This will be a difficult road for you, but in the long run, when your kids are able to make their own decisions, they will understand that you tried and you did your best. From the time you help conceive a child, you are signing on for that responsibility of being a parent, whether you like it or not, no matter how difficult it gets. Yes, you do have the right to be happy and to feel comfortable in your own skin...I am completely ok with that, but you also have a responsibility to your children to at least keep trying. Good luck and I hope you make the right decision.

 

[AnimeGirl2501]

I'm not selfish and you guys are wrong to say so, here's why.

1. I worked 14 hour days
2. I was the main carer for the children ( I had my own business and often took the kids to work to look after them as she just sat at home playing second life )
3. I spent six months learning about Autism and going on courses to learn abut the condition.
4. I did all the house chores except cook the family meals.
5. She smoked during both pregnancies and refused to go on patches.
6. She cheated on me 3 times in the marriage, when I asked her why, she said that I wasn't spending time with her, yet I had to work 14 hour days to keep her in the lifestyle she was accustom too. I asked if she wanted me to reduce the hours I put into my business, she said no and complained that we wouldn't be able to afford the things we enjoyed.
7. I only came out as Transsexual when she asked me to leave.
8. I only dress unisex when I'm around my kids, they are 5 and 6 years of age.
9. She packed up and moved 360 miles away giving me 48 hours notice.
10. I want to move to the city she is living in and she wants me to move, but she refuses to change the contact order so that I can see my kids every weekend. So I'll still only be able to see them once every 4 months anyway.
11. I'm left with

 

[894tt3h9]

I don't judge you for saying you want to leave your children behind. After reading your last post it seems to me that you are at the end of your rope with your soon to be ex wife and perhaps you feel like you are out of any other options. It would seem that she holds your children over your head or dangles them like a carrot only to keep them out of your reach. I see it as exceptionally unfair for her to have moved so far away. At this point I am not sure what your options are aside from having your solicitor look over things and perhaps maybe make some sense of the situation and perhaps come up with a plan of action to have your kids be a more active part of your life.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that things work out and that you can be more active in your life. I don't get the impression that you WANT to walk away from them, just the impression that you don't know what else to do at this time.

 

[Vicarious]

I'm not selfish and you guys are wrong to say so, here's why.

1. I worked 14 hour days
2. I was the main carer for the children ( I had my own business and often took the kids to work to look after them as she just sat at home playing second life )
3. I spent six months learning about Autism and going on courses to learn abut the condition.
4. I did all the house chores except cook the family meals.
5. She smoked during both pregnancies and refused to go on patches.
6. She cheated on me 3 times in the marriage, when I asked her why, she said that I wasn't spending time with her, yet I had to work 14 hour days to keep her in the lifestyle she was accustom too. I asked if she wanted me to reduce the hours I put into my business, she said no and complained that we wouldn't be able to afford the things we enjoyed.
7. I only came out as Transsexual when she asked me to leave.
8. I only dress unisex when I'm around my kids, they are 5 and 6 years of age.
9. She packed up and moved 360 miles away giving me 48 hours notice.
10. I want to move to the city she is living in and she wants me to move, but she refuses to change the contact order so that I can see my kids every weekend. So I'll still only be able to see them once every 4 months anyway.
11. I'm left with

 

[just me]

You say you want to protect your children from bigots. You say you have decided to just walk away from them; abandon them. Do you want your children to feel abandoned the rest of their lifes? How about the kidding about how their parent did not love them enough to be there for them? "Where's your other parent? Left you? What in the world kind of parent would do that? Is something wrong with you so bad your parent would leave you?" Your choices are turning your children's future into a mixed up world already. I feel for your children, but also for you. People are calling you selfish maybe because you think your life and your choices should come first before your children. All the things you did in the past for them do not mean anything if you turn your back on them. tth

 

[AnimeGirl2501]

I think all hope is lost of talking to her, I think it's time to do all my talking via my solicitor. I did hope that she would see sense and realise she is being extremely unfair and that children need both parents in their lives and that it will ultimately hurt the kids.

 

[Matariki]

I must ask, what compelled you to be involved in a relationship if you weren't not comfortable with own biological sexual identity?

Are the kids biologically yours?

Did she commit adultery with another woman or a man?

 

[this is only temporary]

Hey, listen, your kids need you, in many ways. It doesn't matter one bit whether you are transsexual or not, that's irrelevant. (well, not to you, but to your ability to be a parent.) Are there agencies where you live that provide legal help to people in your situation, or to GLBT parents? (There are great ones like that where I live.) You said you are going to see your solicitor -- I hope that helps and agree that is a very good idea. It does sound like your ex is being unfair and not living up to her agreed-upon obligations and parenting arrangement, based on what you said, so the solicitor thing is definitely a good first step. She's got to fulfil her legal obligations, period, you can insist that she does. Her being unfair/angry at you does not = "your kids do not need you and they would be better off without you". Nonsense. That's just not true. Nobody is a perfect person or a perfect parent, it is your job to make the best out of a very difficult and painful situation. I know it is horrible and painful, and I wish it was easier. I sincerely wish you success and am sorry you are going through this. Your kids do need you, that's all there is to it, please don't think they don't. For what it's worth, ((((hugs))))

 

[AnimeGirl2501]

I must ask, what compelled you to be involved in a relationship if you weren't not comfortable with own biological sexual identity?

Are the kids biologically yours?

Did she commit adultery with another woman or a man?

At the time I didn't realise I was Trans. I knew something was wrong but I didn't realise to what extent. I only learned I was Transsexual in the last year of our marriage.

Yes, I'm the biological parent.

She committed Adultery with three men on three separate occasions.

 

[hiagen]

At the time I didn't realise I was Trans. I knew something was wrong but I didn't realise to what extent. I only learned I was Transsexual in the last year of our marriage.

Yes, I'm the biological parent.

She committed Adultery with three men on three separate occasions.

I bet is was only two(maybe 3 if you count hand shakes) and it seemed more like business than adultery, just trading resources(probably just as bad, I know), but you been a transsexual must have hurt, it sure had some impact on the situation(not an excuse), he was probably thinking end it, smoke got in his eyes, and his liver was aching, and.........you don't deserve that anyway, what was he thinking?! even if he didn't know you're a transsexual, I think he'll probably make it up to you somehow.

 

[AnimeGirl2501]

I bet is was only two(maybe 3 if you count hand shakes) and it seemed more like business than adultery, just trading resources(probably just as bad, I know), but you been a transsexual must have hurt, it sure had some impact on the situation(not an excuse), he was probably thinking end it, smoke got in his eyes, and his liver was aching, and.........you don't deserve that anyway, what was he thinking?! even if he didn't know you're a transsexual, I think he'll probably make it up to you somehow.

Hiagen, I'm sorry but your post makes no sense whatsoever, is English your first language?

 

[Matariki]

At the time I didn't realise I was Trans. I knew something was wrong but I didn't realise to what extent. I only learned I was Transsexual in the last year of our marriage.

Yes, I'm the biological parent.

She committed Adultery with three men on three separate occasions.

Have you considered going to court to fight for custody of your children?

Do you know when the feelings began? Usually with transgenderism its something that begins from childhood usually from a cocktail mix of genetics and external influences (usually the later is the determining factor on how an individual views their sex). So did anything happen? Any trauma (usually sexual trauma or paternal abuse/neglect in children is what triggers it). I'm not entirely sure what triggers it in adults or teens but probably a similar cocktail of genetics and abuse which from looking at your posts its apparent that you went through is what would be called spiritual abuse (spirituality has very deep roots with sense of identity, particularly with individuality).

I know because I've been there and seen others go through it (I'm probably what you would call genderqueer). Either way if you are having issues with your biological sexual identity seek professional help immediately.

Were you aware that your soon to be ex was bi-sexual?

 

[InvisibleJim]

Have you considered going to court to fight for custody of your children?

Indeed, [MENTION=4775]AnimeGirl2501[/MENTION] do you really consider yourself a worse provider/caregiver and parent than your ex-wife?

 

[AnimeGirl2501]

Indeed, [MENTION=4775]AnimeGirl2501[/MENTION] do you really consider yourself a worse provider/caregiver and parent than your ex-wife?

I actually was the main carer and the only wage earner when I was married. But I'm made to feel unworthy as a parent and car giver by my wife and most government officials.

 

[InvisibleJim]

I actually was the main carer and the only wage earner when I was married. But I'm made to feel unworthy as a parent and car giver by my wife and most government officials.

Understandable.