Is it hard to stay with an INFJ?

[grt$5vb]

I realize that every individual views the world through a different lens, and each individual cannot be summed up by their "type," but for the sake of curiosity...

For other types: Are INFJs overly difficult to be in a romantic relationship with? Overly demanding? Irritable? Sarcastic/insensitive? Do they expect too much from you? Are they exhausting? What are the issues you have/had with INFJs?

For INFJs: Do you perceive yourself as being too stubborn to compromise enough to stay in a relationship long term? Do you struggle with the duality of feeling a calling to discover the world, and your place in it alone, yet feel like a bottomless pit if you have no one who returns your love, and commits to partner with you for all eternity? Do you think we are capable of staying with someone forever?

I would be curious to hear what struggles INFJ/INFJ pairings have had as well.

INFPs: What could we do more or less of to support/cradle your heart in a relationship?

 

[David54]

I am afreaid that by history I am a contracdiction. . I was in a relationship that I fought tooth adn toenail to stay in. . allowed myself to be used adn abused for years. . I was so much in love that I couldn't see how toxic the relationship was. . tolerated much more than any one else would have. .
but I have also just waked away from relationship as the got stale. . boring adn there was nothing for me there. . oh it took a few years for me to leave, but leave I did. . I felt like I had no choice. . to stay would have killed my spirit. . . if I love you . . adn am deelply into you. . nothing and no one will pry me away. .you will hurt my feelings I will deep freeze . . but I will hold on to you forever. . I will not fight with you. . I will hurt. . I will get silent and hurt quietly. . it will likely drive you nuts at times. .the more you try to fight with me the more withdrawn I will get. . I guess I am not easy to be with. . but if I love you. . I will love you forever adn will do anything for you. . forever.

 

[grt$5vb]

Yes. I really need someone to help stimulate my mind. Without this I drift away mentally, detach, and fantasize about leaving.

 

[David54]

it makes me feel so shallow adn just bad about myself. . I wanted to just shake this perosn and ask as they were trying to figure out why I left. . " why did yo get so damn boring. . .dont you see that you cant do that to me. . ". . but how fucked up does that sound. . I hate that part of me . . but I guess it is me. . so I have to just live with it. .

 

[grt$5vb]

I have learned to pick a mate who I feel I will never figure all the way out. Someone who keeps surprising me, and gives me new things to uncover, and ponder over. I want to know them well, but never solve the puzzle. I need them to be consistent, yet unpredictable, lol. Oh, man...

 

[David54]

you need to stay interesting.. always have an opinion. . engage me i something . . converstion about things that matter. . not just drivel day after day. . we have to be interesting to each other. . I dont mind predictable. . its the lack of anything to contribute . . the becomeing someone differnt thatn when we connected. .

 

[Aya Glenn]

Spailpin, I completely get that and would agree.

I've never been in a relationship because I know how they will turn out. I am one of those people who spent too much time alone growing up and the idea of seeing anyone every day seems horrid to me; I would get tiered of them within 6 days... I have only fell for 2 people, and if either had passed my initial study, I would have been there no matter what they put me through. Unfortunately the first one is a player and only wanted a girl if he could get in her pants. I realized this within the first month knowing him and decided bad idea. We are still friends 5 years later though and I know if he had ever pushed me I probably would have been completely okay with him abusing me... I decided not to let that cycle start. The second one passed all but the dealing with me being completely strait forward part. I told him something that was hurting him and it worried me because it seemed he was hurting himself. His response was to not respond at all to me (this was in person, he just stopped talking) and to have a bitch fit to one of our mutual friends and tell her lies about me. Yeah, that was stupid. He was very upset even though I presented it in the manner that works best with most people: slight concern for their health/safety. So I decided I could not ever be fully strait forward to him again and that nothing would work out... besides he seems to go from liking one girl to the next to the next within only a week or two time frame. I would never be able to stand a guy without patients or perservierence, he needs to be able to make up his mind about things.

So yes, I am an INFJ and very picky... I try not to be but when I can judge their character so easily, I know if things will or will not work out and, as of yet, I have not found a guy I think things could be long term with. So no point in leading them on and getting in a relationship. I will not put up with my male friends that follow me around like lost puppies nor will I put up with the overconfident players. So... I am no help to you on any of that, but will be curious to hear other people's responses and experiences, maybe some advice or suggestions in there too.

 

[grt$5vb]

you need to stay interesting.. always have an opinion. . engage me i something . . converstion about things that matter. . not just drivel day after day. . we have to be interesting to each other. . I dont mind predictable. . its the lack of anything to contribute . . the becomeing someone differnt thatn when we connected. .

Um, yeah.

 

[grt$5vb]

I've never been in a relationship because I know how they will turn out. I am one of those people who spent too much time alone growing up and the idea of seeing anyone every day seems horrid to me; I would get tiered of them within 6 days.... I would never be able to stand a guy without patients or perservierence, he needs to be able to make up his mind about things.

So yes, I am an INFJ and very picky... I try not to be but when I can judge their character so easily, I know if things will or will not work out and, as of yet, I have not found a guy I think things could be long term with. So no point in leading them on and getting in a relationship. I will not put up with my male friends that follow me around like lost puppies nor will I put up with the overconfident players.

These things resonate with me. We draw, often inaccurate conclusions about people, out of fear of abandonment, judgement, rejection, being stifled or controlled, overwhelming emotional pain, etc. We need to allow people to succeed instead of forecasting their failure. Also, finding someone who respects your need for space is key. Then you won't forcibly isolate yourself.

Also, it's okay to try, and fail. Live a life.

 

[GracieRuth]

I think my ex-husband would say that I expected too much of him and the marriage.

 

[grt$5vb]

I think my ex-husband would say that I expected too much of him and the marriage.

HAHA! yeah, mine, too, sister!

Mine immediately remarried, and had another child, while I took many years off to process what I had learned from that failed relationship. I am finally jumping back in with both feet! XD

 

[invisible]

i do believe that we are capable of staying with someone for our lifetime. i am looking for someone compatible with me in that way. he does have to be special but he doesn't have to be superman. im willing to compromise a lot, as long as i don't have to give up core aspects of my identity, and i can get encouraged and respected for who i am. my ex couldn't understand my imaginative and creative qualities, to him they were impractical, i like a practical minded guy but he has to appreciate me too! i will be ok if i can't make it happen. i do get very lonely at times though and want to give someone a hug.

 

[Bird]

Yes.

 

[arbygil]

For INFJs: Do you perceive yourself as being too stubborn to compromise enough to stay in a relationship long term? Do you struggle with the duality of feeling a calling to discover the world, and your place in it alone, yet feel like a bottomless pit if you have no one who returns your love, and commits to partner with you for all eternity? Do you think we are capable of staying with someone forever?

Truth is, I don't even start a relationship, unless I think it has potential. I'm extremely picky but if I was with a partner my one. lone "caveat emptor" (so to speak) would be we'd have to be on the same page goal-wise. I don't care if he's 100% interested in all of my hobbies - some would be nice, of course - but if he and I have different future goals then I don't think we can be together. We have to be headed in the same direction, together.

 

[Jill Hives]

It really does seem to be true that INFJs hold really high expectations of their interpersonal relationships and for that reason I think we get disappointed more easily than some... Before I got into serious relationships I sort of had an idea of what it ought to be like, and when I learned that idea would probably stay just that, an idea, forever... it sucked, basically. But it was a truth I needed to learn. No one person can meet all of my emotional needs. This is my dilemma right now, I'm fighting a huge depression and self loathing cycle because of lonliness and the need of others in my life but am having a really hard time due to circumstance fixing it. Perserverance....things will always change, thankfully that is one thing guaranteed of life.

 

[Trifoilum]

For INFJs: Do you perceive yourself as being too stubborn to compromise enough to stay in a relationship long term? Do you struggle with the duality of feeling a calling to discover the world, and your place in it alone, yet feel like a bottomless pit if you have no one who returns your love, and commits to partner with you for all eternity? Do you think we are capable of staying with someone forever?

oh, the question haunts me too. I wonder...

 

[Relm]

Do you perceive yourself as being too stubborn to compromise enough to stay in a relationship long term? Do you struggle with the duality of feeling a calling to discover the world, and your place in it alone, yet feel like a bottomless pit if you have no one who returns your love, and commits to partner with you for all eternity? Do you think we are capable of staying with someone forever?

I'm right with [MENTION=442]arbygil[/MENTION] in the not starting a relationship if I don't think it has potential. (You could say that I'm an extremely loyal person, so I am super-careful about who I give my loyalty to because I know that it is not easily dissolved.) I also agree on the "traveling the same direction bit." ...which I feel solves a bit of the duality of pursuing goals and being in a loving relationship. I'm all about a mate I can travel through life with.

I think my stubborn is the opposite sort ... too stubborn to NOT stay in a relationship long term (but in a good relationship, that is a good trait). As I pondered quite a bit 6 months ago (before I got married) I do feel that I am more than capable of staying with someone "'till death do us part" ...and feel extremely lucky to have found him.

 

[Nitesteamer]

I wouldn't mind finding out if it's hard to stay with an INFJ, but I'm pretty sure that I've only met about 2 of them in my life.

 

[Nitesteamer]

I think that we would have a better chance of a successful relationship with a sensitive introvert if we can determine to remain level when the other person is over-stimmed by something(or us!). And vise-versa.

 

[barbad0s]

For other types: Are INFJs ... Overly demanding? Irritable? Sarcastic/insensitive? Do they expect too much from you? Are they exhausting?

Sometimes.

I think when they get too caught up in themselves they try to fit others into an ideal they have for them with ideal traits and opinions and values that they like. They can act like it's their partner's job to cater to this ideal, up to minor details. But it's not, and it's not something they should reprimand the partner for if the partner is not able to fit into the ideal, because it is their own issue.

Also yalls can get stubborn and not be very open to understanding the differing S.O's opinions on things you already have strong opinions on.

2/3 of the INFJ guys I dated had these qualities.

Another thing I've noticed, for 3/3 of ths INFJ guys I've dated, is that they get weird about you doing things in a way that they wouldn't have done it, even if it suits you or your mood better. If they care about you, they show it by wanting to "make things better" or by "fixing" some things, which is really sweet most of the time, but sometimes they don't realize that you may not want some things to be changed or fixed and they ignore you when you try to prevent them from doing so, or they nag you for it when they don't realize you made it a certain way on purpose.

overly difficult to be in a romantic relationship with?

no