Forgot to answer this part. For me, I always felt like I was forced to become more social and to filter my natural tendencies to not cloak stuff in layers of bullshit. Natives in general aren't really overly communicative and outgoing in formal social situations--especially when involved in Ceremony. However, more casual settings can become quite lively. There isn't anything considered "abnormal' about being quiet but not participating is frowned upon. However there was/is tremendous pressure to be "social"--to go to events, to interact, to be with others quite a bit. Also, I was constantly criticized for being "too blunt"--there is a great deal of emphasis on "harmony" and acting "right" (proper) in more "formal" social situations which doesn't involve stating your opinion.
INTJs Expressing Feelings/Emotions
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Forgot to answer this part. For me, I always felt like I was forced to become more social and to filter my natural tendencies to not cloak stuff in layers of bullshit. Natives in general aren't really overly communicative and outgoing in formal social situations--especially when involved in Ceremony. However, more casual settings can become quite lively. There isn't anything considered "abnormal' about being quiet but not participating is frowned upon. However there was/is tremendous pressure to be "social"--to go to events, to interact, to be with others quite a bit. Also, I was constantly criticized for being "too blunt"--there is a great deal of emphasis on "harmony" and acting "right" (proper) in more "formal" social situations which doesn't involve stating your opinion.
Yes, good post. I can also express myself logically in a somewhat deteached way. For example, I can tell you that I'm very upset about something, although it's unlikely I'll look that upset. A few people have commented to me before, 'Wow, you don't seem that upset about it".
Like you, I will retreat to try and figure things out by myself without anyone around. Sometimes I'm not too sure what I'm feeling, so I need time to work it out. Now I think about it, I would never let anyone see me cry or act in any way emotional. Even at a funeral, I will not shed a tear. Even if I'm receiving an award I'm very proud of, I will do it with minimum fuss and not really smile.
However, in saying that there have been times -- when I'm at my lowest, or something happens that really gets to me -- that my body language will be very down, and people have commented that I don't look happy. But I certainly don't want to talk about it. In those times, I will do my best to be alone. I've learnt over time to deal with this professionally at work, although I find it very difficult.
I hate any confrontation, like you said. I don't deal well with things like that, because I don't understand emotionally that they're not angry with me; they're angry with someone or something else. If someone unloads on me, I know logically they're not angry at me (probably), but I have a difficult time understanding that emotionally. I will take that very hard, especially if it's someone I care about.
Thanks [MENTION=1288]Macka[/MENTION] (whoa, enuf of the Feeler stuff)
To clarify though, I used the unloading part as an example only. I dislike having to hash thru someone else's emotional baggage when they could easily take some time and figure out what is wrong first and then we could talk is what I meant.
Yea, I pretty much think that the preference to want to analyze is what makes us Thinkers. I just don't get the whole "you must know how I feel" I don't buy it. I think it is much too personal to just blather on about your feelings to everyone--I would rather relish them in private and figure it all out first.
To clarify though, I used the unloading part as an example only. I dislike having to hash thru someone else's emotional baggage when they could easily take some time and figure out what is wrong first and then we could talk is what I meant.
Yea, I pretty much think that the preference to want to analyze is what makes us Thinkers. I just don't get the whole "you must know how I feel" I don't buy it. I think it is much too personal to just blather on about your feelings to everyone--I would rather relish them in private and figure it all out first.
I had something similar with my sister. She told me she was engaged to a guy she'd been dating for 3 months. (Her boss, no less). When asked if I was excited about the wedding, I told a few people that I was more concerned for my sister, While people could understand this, they seemed perplexed that I wasn't that excited about the wedding.
Like you, I told a few people that her relationships mimicked our mother's, and that this was not a good thing. People reacted a bit strangely when I said this.
Anyway, turns out the wedding was lovely (is that emotion I just used?), and I got on very well with her now husband.
Maybe I'm an INFJ in disguise... **bursts into tears**
Others' emotional baggage is not good... Do you find you're good at helping people see their problems? I'm told by a few friends I'm 'very wise', but I think it's just that I don't get emotinally involved in their problems, and I can sit and analyse them in a detached way quite easily.
Think. Do. Think. Then think some more.
I do very well helping people with all kind of things. LOL...not to sound conceited.
For me it is more: Observe, analyze, draw conclusions, observe, analyze, create hypothesis, analyze, do--restart process
I usually have an intuitive feel for the problem before they say anything anyway. That is the observe part.
Edit: And just to clarify. I am more than happy to resolve issues when they involve something I have done or are part of a relationship. I am talking about when someone wants to just talk about emotional stuff. I can usually only tolerate so much--especially if there isn't any "solving" going on.
For me it is more: Observe, analyze, draw conclusions, observe, analyze, create hypothesis, analyze, do--restart process
I usually have an intuitive feel for the problem before they say anything anyway. That is the observe part.
Edit: And just to clarify. I am more than happy to resolve issues when they involve something I have done or are part of a relationship. I am talking about when someone wants to just talk about emotional stuff. I can usually only tolerate so much--especially if there isn't any "solving" going on.
Yes. I'm not sure whether this is just because my T/F line is a little blurry...but while I do filter emotion through logic and analyze constantly (the above looks familiar) I have a pretty good grasp of what others are feeling. I also have a lot of feelings, though I do not show them to most people. Lately, I've been in an interesting situation because I spent a lot of time with a VERY strong TP and then with a few VERY strong FJ's. I found that the way I behave changes dramatically with the company. Around the TP, I feel more expressive and more self-aware both. Around the FJ's, I feel distant and logical.
@DrShephard - what's interesting is that I would think all the same things as you but, depending on the person, would probably not say. In that particular instance I would have predicted much the same future but a lot of people assume that change in the real world = change in the mind, which is not true.
Anyway. As for the OP. It's good to read this, it's sort of something I knew but keep trying to change. As an INFJ I emote a lot when in private with one person but try not to emote in public (if I can help it). However, you remind me of my T boyfriend. From my perspective, being around him can be a constant worry. Like some others have said here, he doesn't seem to be able to grasp what he is feeling most of the time, saying he feels blank or neutral or nothingness. However, there are changes in him that I see and I know he is sad/angry/stressed/worried. When we first met, I saw the emotion and said "what's wrong"? But I have since learned that this is not the way to deal with it. He will say "nothing" either because he is unaware that he is upset (yet - sometimes he comes to me with retrospective realisations like - "you know, I think I must have been quite upset...") or because he doesn't like talking about things. I also get in wrong in that I try to read his face when I'm talking because I want to make sure he's not bored. Seeing as he generally stares into middle distance whether interested or not, it's harder to tell than I thought it would be and sometimes assume he's bored when he isn't. Sometimes I get sick of him being unhappy seeing as I was unhappy and tried to change it, but I am more proactive in that way. It's not that I find it annoying or anything, it's that it upsets me. I want him to feel good ALL THE TIME (although obviously that's ridiculous!) I feel very, very uncomfortable when he doesn't feel good and I find it impossible to think of anything else until I can see him relaxing or whatever. When I just want to do something about it I usually just jump right in with "so you know how you get upset because you think you can't make friends" - to which I get a "oh great just hit me where it hurts!" answer - then I explain how, rationally, it's not true and what, rationally, he should do to prove that and how, rationally, he could feel better. He usually looks into middle distance when I talk about this and I thought this meant he didn't want to talk about it at first but then I get told off for always assuming that and was told it helps!
Basically - my long story over - what I'm trying to say is that people need to get to know you and react how you need them to. I wouldn't go around trying to be more emotional or do something that feels unnatural to you. Your own way of doing things is good enough. If you can fake it to make someone else feel better then I guess I'd probably do that, but it might not be something you're up for!
Anyway. As for the OP. It's good to read this, it's sort of something I knew but keep trying to change. As an INFJ I emote a lot when in private with one person but try not to emote in public (if I can help it). However, you remind me of my T boyfriend. From my perspective, being around him can be a constant worry. Like some others have said here, he doesn't seem to be able to grasp what he is feeling most of the time, saying he feels blank or neutral or nothingness. However, there are changes in him that I see and I know he is sad/angry/stressed/worried. When we first met, I saw the emotion and said "what's wrong"? But I have since learned that this is not the way to deal with it. He will say "nothing" either because he is unaware that he is upset (yet - sometimes he comes to me with retrospective realisations like - "you know, I think I must have been quite upset...") or because he doesn't like talking about things. I also get in wrong in that I try to read his face when I'm talking because I want to make sure he's not bored. Seeing as he generally stares into middle distance whether interested or not, it's harder to tell than I thought it would be and sometimes assume he's bored when he isn't. Sometimes I get sick of him being unhappy seeing as I was unhappy and tried to change it, but I am more proactive in that way. It's not that I find it annoying or anything, it's that it upsets me. I want him to feel good ALL THE TIME (although obviously that's ridiculous!) I feel very, very uncomfortable when he doesn't feel good and I find it impossible to think of anything else until I can see him relaxing or whatever. When I just want to do something about it I usually just jump right in with "so you know how you get upset because you think you can't make friends" - to which I get a "oh great just hit me where it hurts!" answer - then I explain how, rationally, it's not true and what, rationally, he should do to prove that and how, rationally, he could feel better. He usually looks into middle distance when I talk about this and I thought this meant he didn't want to talk about it at first but then I get told off for always assuming that and was told it helps!
Basically - my long story over - what I'm trying to say is that people need to get to know you and react how you need them to. I wouldn't go around trying to be more emotional or do something that feels unnatural to you. Your own way of doing things is good enough. If you can fake it to make someone else feel better then I guess I'd probably do that, but it might not be something you're up for!
But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
INTJs don't emote, but when we do we EMOTE. Often it is UNPLEASANT however, at it's opposite it is DIVINE. Either way it is always PURE.
INTJs don't emote, but when we do we EMOTE. Often it is UNPLEASANT however, at it's opposite it is DIVINE. Either way it is always PURE.
Wow. They are true words. Brutal, but true. So very true.
PS: I did gag because it was you who said them...kidding.