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INTJ/INFJ--ESTJ

emmacate

emmacate

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I'm sorry if this came up before... I looked and couldn't find anything. And, I'm really really new at this so help and patience appreciated.

So here's the story. I have a friend who is an INTJ. Only spent a week with him at camp, but I would consider us to be rather close friends. We talk on Facebook but that's about it- he lives 4 hours away. For some reason, though, I feel like I have a close connection with him. I think it's probably the introverted/ intuitive/judging thing.

Some websites say that the best match for INFJ is like ENFP or something. But to me it seems like INTJ's are much better. It's probably some sort of weird Oedipus complex because my dad, who I am close to by relation and by mutual tolerance of my mother, is also an INTJ.

I really like this guy, but is it a good idea? I'm not sure how much I'll be able to see him, and that depends on what I decide.

But... another wrench in the plan. He has a girlfriend. She is an ESTJ. They have been dating for about 3 years... but I am hoping that it is a high school relationship of convenience, which it seems to be. Next year I move to college and will live much closer.

Am I overthinking this? Ideas, suggestions?....sympathy?...
 
I think you're planning ahead just a little bit.


I think you should take some time to really get to know him before you start planning a future involving him. He could move away to college as well, he could really love this girl, there are a lot of things that could prevent any sort of romantic relationship to form between the two of you.
Work on becoming better friends with him before you start worrying so much. As ladies we don't chase boys, we replace boys.
 
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Cutting someone's relationship intentionally is a bad idea, even when their relationship might seem shaky at the moment. So before saying anything, that's a huge No-No for me.

Now...does the chance you're talking are related to your college of choice?

I would say INFJ / INTJ relationship by itself is okay (cue the usual "you shouldn't see a relationship's potential from MBTI" speech); but in this case, it's the other circumstances that might be a problem for you. How long have you known him? INTJ, just like INFJ, kept their deepest self inside(by that I mean deep like, flaws and obsession and ugliness). And even moreso. Do you feel you connected with him, understood him, good and bad and flaws and everything else?

And lastly, does he feel the same for you?
 
Trifoilum said:
How long have you known him? INTJ, just like INFJ, kept their deepest self inside(by that I mean deep like, flaws and obsession and ugliness). And even moreso. Do you feel you connected with him, understood him, good and bad and flaws and everything else?

And lastly, does he feel the same for you?
Click to expand...

Yeah, beyond type compatibility, this is the real stuff you need to think about.
 
It's been true in my experience that INTJs and INFJs are very well suited to each other. My best relationship by far was with an INTJ, and it lasted a couple of years, only breaking apart ironically because of a required move for college. The melding of Ni is totally magical.

It's been said before on the boards, but for intuiters the best relationships tend to be those that are closest to your own type. I've had a couple of relationships with ENFPs and have always ended up breaking them off. Websites often recommend ENTP, which is just a horrible mismatch.

If you can bag an INTJ, go for it. They're way rad. I do agree with the above post that you may be getting way ahead of yourself though. Wouldn't even consider him a possibility until and if his relationship with the other girl dissolves of its own accord.
 
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Exits said:
It's been true in my experience that INTJs and INFJs are very well suited to each other. My best relationship by far was with an INTJ, and it lasted a couple of years, only breaking apart ironically because of a required move for college. The melding of Ni is totally magical.
Click to expand...

I'm curious about type relations. In what ways do you find that the INTJ was a great match for you as an INFP? How did they complement you, if you don't mind me asking?
 
INTJ here in a relationship with INFJ. She's the most amazing women I've ever met and I actually cut myself off from any women for the last 8 years until I found one that I considered close to perfect before I'd even consider dating someone again. Our relationship is simply amazing, BUT I'm able to empathize and she's able to see logic, even though we aren't naturally good at those things. If you had one person in an INTJ/INFJ relationship that was immature and/or hadn't developed some of their inferior functions, then it would probably start out wonderful but when real emotions got involved, end in disaster because what would happen is that at some point an inevitable conflict will arise and INFJ becomes irrational, INTJ becomes annoyed at irrationality, INFJ becomes even more irrational, and it just spirals out of control from there.

What really breaks my heart is to see the later happen, given the rarity of both types, the statistical improbability of those 2 types actually starting something up, and then the loss of what can easily be the best pairing of all the types.

So short answer to the question of compatibility: Mature INTJ=yes; Immature INTJ=NO (they will just make you feel like shit)
 
INTJ and INFJ are a great match, especially if the female is the INFJ. We both share the same dominant function - Introverted Intuition (our way of seeing things that others don't and we have trouble putting into words). My INTJ friends and I are always noticing the same things, but from that point we reason differently in a way that covers each other's blind spots.

If he's in a relationship with an ESTJ, don't worry. He'll get tired of her domineering crap and dump her. Just be friends with him and let it run it's course.

Also, don't believe that ENFPs oe ENTPs are the best type for INFJs. They're simply not. In fact, I don't know of many instances where this pairing works out to be better than frustrating for the INFJs.

We do best with INFJs, ENFJs, ISTPs, INFPs, and INTJs.

epiphanatic said:
So short answer to the question of compatibility: Mature INTJ=yes; Immature INTJ=NO (they will just make you feel like shit)
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This is exactly correct. Until INFJs can develop their Ti and INTJs can develop their Fi, this relationship will have a lot of explosions. My INTJ friends and I have only recently developed the ability to truly appreciate each other, and that's because we've matured into our tertiary functions. I knew two of the INTJs (whom I now consider my best friends) about ten years ago, and we couldn't stand each other. So, while this is an ideal pairing, keep in mind it does require some maturity to accept the fact that you'll see the same things, but think and feel completely different about them. In time you'll learn to appreciate this because it covers each other's weaknesses. Until that point, it will seem like an affront to your egos.
 
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VH said:
INTJ and INFJ are a great match, especially if the female is the INFJ. We both share the same dominant function - Introverted Intuition (our way of seeing things that others don't and we have trouble putting into words). My INTJ friends and I are always noticing the same things, but from that point we reason differently in a way that covers each other's blind spots.

If he's in a relationship with an ESTJ, don't worry. He'll get tired of her domineering crap and dump her. Just be friends with him and let it run it's course.

Also, don't believe that ENFPs oe ENTPs are the best type for INFJs. They're simply not. In fact, I don't know of many instances where this pairing works out to be better than frustrating for the INFJs.

We do best with INFJs, ENFJs, ISTPs, INFPs, and INTJs.
Click to expand...

Now, is the INTJ a good match because their T tempers/balances our F? Hate to use this comparison, but one of my family members is an INTJ, and as much as i appreciate him, when i was younger, he was rigid, uncompromising, and authoritarian. Wasn't very open - his way or the highway. Only people who followed or did as they were told had his respect. So, i'm a little concerned about the idea that this pairing is good.
 
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The pairing is good because they both start at Ni, then diverge to Fe and Te, then Ti and Fi, then back together at Se. This means both types will see the same things, but reason completely opposite each other which does an amazing job of covering each other's blind spots. But... as I mentioned above the INTJ has to have a well developed Fi and the INFJ has to have a well developed Ti for it to work.

Are you sure your family member wasn't an ISTJ or ENTJ? Sometimes they mistype. However, Te can be very authoritarian and very difficult for Fe users to accept because they do not understand our need for harmony.

Edit: Note, I'm not saying this pairing is ideal. I think INFJs and ENFJs are ideal for INFJs. I think that ISTPs are a great match for INFJs, since both types share the same primary functions, and have as their dominant function the other type's play function - which keeps a lot of fun and happiness in the relationship. I think INTJs are a good pairing which brings good synergy and strengths that cover each other's weaknesses - but this is a relationship that requires a lot of mutual respect, unlike the other types which flow much more naturally.
 
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epiphanatic said:
INTJ here in a relationship with INFJ. She's the most amazing women I've ever met and I actually cut myself off from any women for the last 8 years until I found one that I considered close to perfect before I'd even consider dating someone again. Our relationship is simply amazing, BUT I'm able to empathize and she's able to see logic, even though we aren't naturally good at those things. If you had one person in an INTJ/INFJ relationship that was immature and/or hadn't developed some of their inferior functions, then it would probably start out wonderful but when real emotions got involved, end in disaster because what would happen is that at some point an inevitable conflict will arise and INFJ becomes irrational, INTJ becomes annoyed at irrationality, INFJ becomes even more irrational, and it just spirals out of control from there.

What really breaks my heart is to see the later happen, given the rarity of both types, the statistical improbability of those 2 types actually starting something up, and then the loss of what can easily be the best pairing of all the types.

So short answer to the question of compatibility: Mature INTJ=yes; Immature INTJ=NO (they will just make you feel like shit)
Click to expand...

^^ This.

I was romantically involved with an immature INTJ, and man. Beginning was awesome. The end? Scarred me for a number of years, and I'm not kidding.

Also, more than likely he sees you as a friend, nothing more. Logically, he knows he has a girlfriend and he's going to stay with her, but if you break them up - or try to - he will know it. It's best not to be in the middle. Find yourself a "free" INTJ with no girlfriends. :D
 
VH said:
The pairing is good because they both start at Ni, then diverge to Fe and Te, then Ti and Fi, then back together at Se. This means both types will see the same things, but reason completely opposite each other which does an amazing job of covering each other's blind spots. But... as I mentioned above the INTJ has to have a well developed Fi and the INFJ has to have a well developed Ti for it to work.

Are you sure your family member wasn't an ISTJ or ENTJ? Sometimes they mistype. However, Te can be very authoritarian and very difficult for Fe users to accept because they do not understand our need for harmony.
Click to expand...

Not sure. I'd have to read the ISTJ/ENTJ descriptions to check. But i think there's a good chance he's N. He was a former police officer, so that probably had a lot to do with strengthening his TJ functions.
 
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VH said:
But... as I mentioned above the INTJ has to have a well developed Fi and the INFJ has to have a well developed Ti for it to work.
Click to expand...

I guess, my real question is how would you identify an INTJ with properly developed Fi/Fe? I've met a few INTJs, very nice, charming, easy going, but my sense is that they're very different once they're in a relationship. So, it seems that you may have to get involved with them to really know if they're balanced enough. I think Arbygil said something about her experience which seems to indicate this. A weakly developed Fi is not immediately apparent and by the time you realize it, you've invested quite a bit in the relationship.


VH said:
Edit: Note, I'm not saying this pairing is ideal. I think INFJs and ENFJs are ideal for INFJs. I think that ISTPs are a great match for INFJs, since both types share the same primary functions, and have as their dominant function the other type's play function - which keeps a lot of fun and happiness in the relationship. I think INTJs are a good pairing which brings good synergy and strengths that cover each other's weaknesses - but this is a relationship that requires a lot of mutual respect, unlike the other types which flow much more naturally.
Click to expand...

Yeah, i think ENFJs seems more natural partners although i think their Fe would drive me up the wall real quickly. :D
 
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Speaking about 'properly developed', I gotta say that in this case it doesn't simply mean 'developed'. An INTJ's Fi has to gain a certain trait (a-la RPG here *lols*); Openness and understanding. The same for INFJ's Ti.

Just saying that from my own experience with an INTJ best friend, her growth of Fi seems to make it harder, rather than balancing them. She now knows what her boundaries are, what's her values and so...but became pretty restricted within that, it's much like what Res had said. I can see this happening within an INFJ's Ti too; both became slaves to their Ni.

At that time, it's hard to say anything because by then you KNOW you're looking at the same thing, but you can't say anything because by then you're offending the INTJ's value. unfortunately INTJs aren't that...gentle towards stuff, for better or worse. Then we felt betrayed or so, and then if we complain, we're dismissed as irrational and wrong (and others).

So we use our Fe to put through their stubbornness, or use our Fi (at this point, mostly in a negative way a-la shadowing) and went frigid and demanding. Our Ni saw through it all, and...it goes into a masochism tango.

Ouch.
 
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Trifoilum said:
Speaking about 'properly developed', I gotta say that in this case it doesn't simply mean 'developed'. An INTJ's Fi has to gain a certain trait (a-la RPG here *lols*); Openness and understanding. The same for INFJ's Ti.

Just saying that from my own experience with an INTJ best friend, her growth of Fi seems to make it harder, rather than balancing them. She now knows what her boundaries are, what's her values and so...but became pretty restricted within that, it's much like what Res had said. I can see this happening within an INFJ's Ti too; both became slaves to their Ni.

At that time, it's hard to say anything because by then you KNOW you're looking at the same thing, but you can't say anything because by then you're offending the INTJ's value. unfortunately INTJs aren't that...gentle towards stuff, for better or worse. Then we felt betrayed or so, and then if we complain, we're dismissed as irrational and wrong (and others).

Ouch.
Click to expand...

Well said. This is what i'm concerned about as well. With each having high Fi, it would seem that both would simply become more preoccupied with what is best for them, not necessarily what's best for the relationship. I think this is where a reasonably good dose of Fe would provide a healthy balance. It can't always be about self - there'd need to be some compromise from both. And if there is no willingness to compromise for the sake of the other person and their relationship, then i'd doubt it would be satisfying to both partners in the long term.
 
Res said:
Well said. This is what i'm concerned about as well. With each having high Fi, it would seem that both would simply become more preoccupied with what is best for them, not necessarily what's best for the relationship. I think this is where a reasonably good dose of Fe would provide a healthy balance. It can't always be about self - there'd need to be some compromise from both. And if there is no willingness to compromise for the sake of the other person and their relationship, then i'd doubt it would be satisfying to both partners in the long term.
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Yeah; they need Fe to balance their own Fi. Otherwise it'd be Fe vs Te, which... well, needs to comply into specific terms a.k.a benefits. It's not pretty....at all.
 
arbygil said:
^^ This.

I was romantically involved with an immature INTJ, and man. Beginning was awesome. The end? Scarred me for a number of years, and I'm not kidding.

Also, more than likely he sees you as a friend, nothing more. Logically, he knows he has a girlfriend and he's going to stay with her, but if you break them up - or try to - he will know it. It's best not to be in the middle. Find yourself a "free" INTJ with no girlfriends. :D
Click to expand...

Thanks! You guys are all very helpful and awesome; I really appreciate it. Cool to know there are people like me existing.

This is what I'm thinking. I'm still pretty young and I'm trying to get a grasp on the world of relationships. If this one doesn't work out, so what. But I can use the advice and the experience I can get from it for the future. There's gotta be a free INTJ out there somewhere so I'll be waiting :p.
 
And also... what's the difference between Fi, Fe... Te, Ti... etc.? Like I said, I'm sorta new to this (albeit very intrigued and excited) so it doesn't quite make sense yet.
 
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