INTJ boyfriend

L

lonelygirl16

Lucky
MBTI
INFJ
So, I am an ISFJ or INFJ female dating an INTJ male. We are both the same age and have been together for 3-4 years but have been on and off two times within those years.

Basically, I don't feel like I have someone that really loves me. But probably this is all in my mind because I tend to over-analyze everything and come to my own conclusions. For instance, I have sent him today a message stating that I appreciate him, loves his company, changed me and I grew up thanks to him and all that to which I get a reply < thank you (hearts) and you make me a nicer person > Knowing an INTJ, I feel like this is not even that good of a quality or not that most valued. I always feel like I will lose him to someone that is more intelligent, looking for in-depht conversation or that loves alone time as much as he does because who wants to be someone that is just nice? I ALWAYS feel this way. He does spend time with me and is nice to me, but I feel like he is not who he wants to be because of me. Also, while on vacation, when he promised he would call and didn't because he drank too much, I was quite upset because I was anticipating that call. When I expressed my feelings, he thinks I am always finding a reason to be angry with him when it is not the case.

Edit: He's now away on vacation and I am struggling with the fact that he is far from me. I think I need to break up with him because the way I feel is not great.
 
You need to listen to your intuition and let him go if he keeps making you feel unsure about how he feels about you.

Trust me, you'll know when it's the right guy when you won't need to ask yourself these type of questions because you'll just know he's the one xo Good luck!
 
We'll regarding the text I always find it confusing sending texts that center on feelings. So I wouldn't read too much into it.

I don't know the depth of his feelings, but it sounds like you question your own worth quite a bit. I'd have a frank conversation with him before making any rash decisions. If you discussed your relationship from a more rational perspective there's a good chance he'll be honest about his feelings with you. Once you know both know the other person's stance you can go from there.
 
Thanks for your reply!

I do understand regarding text message with feelings in it. But I thought since it was christmas, what the heck. Rarely do I send a text like that and there was a high chance that he'll reply like this.

I do question my worth and that has been for years and years which is why I'm going through this phase where I'm like 'Am I ready to be in a relationship?' However, after being with him for quite a long time, I still don't feel like happy and I know he doesn't either. We have been through a lot. I'm just always wondering if INTJ are satisfied with just someone that is nice. He did say he loved me for being nice. But isn't there anything else? I always try to like things that he loves like politics, games and talk to him about that rather than talking about what happened and feelings.
 
Wishful Thinker said:
You need to listen to your intuition and let him go if he keeps making you feel unsure about how he feels about you.

Trust me, you'll know when it's the right guy when you won't need to ask yourself these type of questions because you'll just know he's the one xo Good luck!
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Wishful Thinker said:
You need to listen to your intuition and let him go if he keeps making you feel unsure about how he feels about you.

Trust me, you'll know when it's the right guy when you won't need to ask yourself these type of questions because you'll just know he's the one xo Good luck!
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Hi Wishful Thinker, thanks for your reply!

I feel like he is the right guy because when I am with him, I don't ask myself these kind of questions. It is only in his absence that I feel this way. Ah, intuition, I am afraid sometimes to listen to it because it might end up being the wrong decision.
 
Then perhaps the question isnt about your boyfriend at all? I really dont know you or your situation but It looks like you might have several insecurities that make you second guess yourself when he isnt around. You need him to be around to feel loved. Do you trust him? There are sooo many factors that could make you feel insecure but i dont know any of them.

But first, Id suggest digging inside yourself and finding confidence...it will help you a lot in the long run as an individual as well as in your love life. You dont *need* him to be happy or feel loved. Consider him an add-on to your happiness. This mindset will give you so much peace of mind and you might even be happier.

You mentionned that intuition could lead you to making the wrong decision : Intuition shouldnt be confused with fear or doubt. Intuition is that lil voice inside yourself that tries to keep you on a path of authenticity. If you listen to your intuition, it is definitely not the wrong decision...it just means its the best decision for you as an individual.

Following intuition may lead to short term hardships sometimes but the lasting end result will have you hoping you had listened to yourself a long time ago :)

But anyway lol back to your problem...if i were you id try to figure out if i feel insecure because i lack confidence in myself or because i lack trust in my partner.

I hope this helped a tiny bit.
 
And oh...gosh..i just read that you dont feel like you are the type of girl that he wants...intuition, intuition, intuition. It's screaming at you xo
 
Wishful Thinker said:
And oh...gosh..i just read that you dont feel like you are the type of girl that he wants...intuition, intuition, intuition. It's screaming at you xo
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haha, probably. I had broken up with him once and that was 2 years ago but he contacted me two months after and I couldn't ignore him -_-

Wishful Thinker said:
Then perhaps the question isnt about your boyfriend at all? I really dont know you or your situation but It looks like you might have several insecurities that make you second guess yourself when he isnt around. You need him to be around to feel loved. Do you trust him? There are sooo many factors that could make you feel insecure but i dont know any of them.
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I did get quite a few bad experiences in the past. I had hurtful things said to me by my dad and a few now ex-friends. I had a bully in high school. I do admit that my past is still lurking in my thoughts. I do trust him...

Wishful Thinker said:
But first, Id suggest digging inside yourself and finding confidence...it will help you a lot in the long run as an individual as well as in your love life. You dont *need* him to be happy or feel loved. Consider him an add-on to your happiness. This mindset will give you so much peace of mind and you might even be happier.
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Thanks for your advice, I'll definitely keep that in mind :) Having self confidence might change my perspective and feelings regarding this relationship. But sometimes, it is easier said than done :(
 
lonelygirl16 said:
So, I am an ISFJ or INFJ female dating an INTJ male. We are both the same age and have been together for 3-4 years but have been on and off two times within those years.

Basically, I don't feel like I have someone that really loves me. But probably this is all in my mind because I tend to over-analyze everything and come to my own conclusions. For instance, I have sent him today a message stating that I appreciate him, loves his company, changed me and I grew up thanks to him and all that to which I get a reply < thank you (hearts) and you make me a nicer person > Knowing an INTJ, I feel like this is not even that good of a quality or not that most valued. I always feel like I will lose him to someone that is more intelligent, looking for in-depht conversation or that loves alone time as much as he does because who wants to be someone that is just nice? I ALWAYS feel this way. He does spend time with me and is nice to me, but I feel like he is not who he wants to be because of me. Also, while on vacation, when he promised he would call and didn't because he drank too much, I was quite upset because I was anticipating that call. When I expressed my feelings, he thinks I am always finding a reason to be angry with him when it is not the case.

Edit: He's now away on vacation and I am struggling with the fact that he is far from me. I think I need to break up with him because the way I feel is not great.
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I think your insecurities may be getting in the way of a better dynamic.

So what if he has different friends for in-depth conversations? No one can be so complete a partner, that all other relationships are rendered redundant.

I'd be feeling smothered by a constant need to affirm in words/actions/phonecalls/ etc.
 
In my experience with an INTJ ex, they don't mirror your feelings-- even if they feel for you intensely.. you may not know it. But I think it's shown in other ways more expressive and emotional types aren't tuned into. It may always feel like you are on the back burner if you expect lots of affection. I broke up with my INTJ ex and he contacted me every year for 5 years wanting to apologize and be friends. I had no idea he had feelings like that for me in the relationship because he was always blowing me off to do other things. And you mentioned your bf contacted you too after you broke up with him. If you aren't happy, I hope you can at least have a very open and honest conversation with him about why so that he understands. From what I gather, INTJs won't move on unless they have understanding and closure. They don't like not having all the answers. I think that was where I went wrong with my ex. I just dumped him without really talking to him. It took 5 years to finally explain it and he hasn't tried again since. And I regret doing that to him.
 
I haven't read that you said anything very good about him. So I'd dump him.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
I think your insecurities may be getting in the way of a better dynamic.
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true, true. Though he's the only person I can expect affection, that's why. I'm not too fond of people in general.
the said:
I haven't read that you said anything very good about him. So I'd dump him.
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Oh, no he is very nice to me and cares about me a lot. I think after reading what I said, it is more about my insecurities and the fact that he is an INTJ. It gets worse because I have certain expectations? He's a keeper to me and I don't want someone else. He used to not want too much time with me but we spend more time together. I should mention the good things that he does. For him, giving his time is not easy. Thanks for your reply.
 
You know, even "thinkers" are able to validate feelings. Most people, feeler or not, would feel some sort of guilt/disarray about promising something and then not doing it. He flipped the script on you and made it all about your feelings instead of trying to understand your perspective. It is crucial for any relationship that both sides attempt to understand each other, seems there is a lack of attempt on his side. Since you've been together so long, I'd recommend couple's therapy or even individual therapy with you with a relationship counselor to try to get to the bottom of it, seeing as internet people cannot possibly know the full context of your relationship.
 
lonelygirl16 said:
true, true. Though he's the only person I can expect affection, that's why. I'm not too fond of people in general.


Oh, no he is very nice to me and cares about me a lot. I think after reading what I said, it is more about my insecurities and the fact that he is an INTJ. It gets worse because I have certain expectations? He's a keeper to me and I don't want someone else. He used to not want too much time with me but we spend more time together. I should mention the good things that he does. For him, giving his time is not easy. Thanks for your reply.
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Perhaps you need to explicitly address (with humility) that your affection needs are quite strong, and that you need more regular affection (either as little tokens more often, or regular significant affection). Spontaneity may be sacrificed somewhat, but we INTJs are very adaptable to setting in place plans/procedures to make sure needs are taken care of.

Examples: having a set dinner-date on Saturdays, or a set 1/2 hour debriefing/decompression time every day at a set time, or have a morning weekly you both take a bath together, etc...
 
Are you seriously pretending to be lonelygirl15 right now? lmfaoooo
 
I m floored here every time someone states the type of another person. I knew nothing of mbti until well into my adult life. Somehow other people not only know the mbti make of themselves but of the people around them.
I say this because if he really IS intj that means your have read about intjs because you were interested enough to know types in the first place. If you have read about them..that should give you great insight into why they act as they do.
So therefore what you are really saying is that you are not getting what you need from him as it stands.
Talk to him, explain what you have said here. Tell him what you need from him. Either he will be able to provide it or not. If he can't, hopefully he will talk to you and tell you this. At that point both of you have a decision to make.
Relationships have to be founded on communication. Doesn't matter what mbti type you are with.
 
lonelygirl16 said:
So, I am an ISFJ or INFJ female dating an INTJ male. We are both the same age and have been together for 3-4 years but have been on and off two times within those years.

Basically, I don't feel like I have someone that really loves me. But probably this is all in my mind because I tend to over-analyze everything and come to my own conclusions. For instance, I have sent him today a message stating that I appreciate him, loves his company, changed me and I grew up thanks to him and all that to which I get a reply < thank you (hearts) and you make me a nicer person > Knowing an INTJ, I feel like this is not even that good of a quality or not that most valued. I always feel like I will lose him to someone that is more intelligent, looking for in-depht conversation or that loves alone time as much as he does because who wants to be someone that is just nice? I ALWAYS feel this way. He does spend time with me and is nice to me, but I feel like he is not who he wants to be because of me. Also, while on vacation, when he promised he would call and didn't because he drank too much, I was quite upset because I was anticipating that call. When I expressed my feelings, he thinks I am always finding a reason to be angry with him when it is not the case.

Edit: He's now away on vacation and I am struggling with the fact that he is far from me. I think I need to break up with him because the way I feel is not great.
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He thanked you? With hearts? And he thinks you make him a nicer person? This is a big deal for an intj.

When's the wedding?
 
It doesn't sound like two have an emotional connection, which for me, is incredibly important. You are going through the motions of boyfriend-girlfriend, but not truly connecting much with your souls. You're not getting the emotional depth you need. To me, this is a reason to break up. I'm sure your bf is a great guy, but just not the most compatible for you and your needs.
 
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