[INFJ] INFJs: Critical, Cruel, Perfectionists under Stress?

[ShadowKnightess]

Please excuse my title I do not mean to accuse all INFJ's of such things. I have just noticed that since my INFJ boyfriend lost his job last year, he has become increasingly negative about his life and me. He seems to get angry at me very quickly when he is upset, and he seems to try to tear down my abilities when his self-confidence dips to a low point. He has been doing this for an entire year, I am tired of it.

Do any INFJ's here notice that under stress, they tend to take out their anger/resentment on their partners? Our actions are all our own fault, but I wonder if his personality tends him towards this. For me, when under stress, I know that I go internal and I blame myself and I hurt myself rather than hurt those around me, I do not lash out much. He seems to blame everything around him because he doesn't want to face up to himself.

 

[linger]

I would say that I tend to get down about myself and keep it centered that way rather than blaming anyone else. If I'm really upset, I'll lash out in that I might be a royal jerk to people (short and snippy, usually), but I don't blame them for anything or tear them down.

 

[ShadowKnightess]

I would say that I tend to get down about myself and keep it centered that way rather than blaming anyone else. If I'm really upset, I'll lash out in that I might be a royal jerk to people (short and snippy, usually), but I don't blame them for anything or tear them down.

Interesting, thank you.

 

[Azazel]

"For me, when under
stress, I know that I go internal and I blame myself and I hurt myself rather than hurt those around me". - I am exactly the same way. So is my man... I don't think that blaming someone else is inclusively INFJ-thing or maybe any other type either. The question is: does he really mean it?

I am a perfectionist with stress or without it but I wouldn't hurt anyone I care about. It doesn't mean I didn't blow my steam... But I've said sorry. Very very rarely I might pick on someone I strongly dislike and find to be unpleasant. That's if I'm honest about it.

 

[acd]

Sounds like a crybaby jerk thing and not an infj thing.

 

[the]

Sounds like a crybaby jerk thing and not an infj thing.

There is no difference.

 

[acd]

It just gets to me when people try to normalize or downplay someone treating them like garbage.
Face reality. Please stop looking for people to normalize your emotionally abusive partners behavior. Why is it necessary to either hurt others or hurt yourself when faced with hardship? Why are those the only options? I think those are the questions to ask..

 

[jimtaylor]

I agree with [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION] I have gone through some really stressful events and never taken it out on others. I may be more quiet than usual and less conforming to social norms but I never try to put others down because how does that help anything? It doesn’t make me feel better about myself and it doesn’t make other people want to help me get out of my funk. The truth is when faced with hardships like this, partners should turn to each other for emotional support and strength not to demean and attack each other. This is not an INFJ, INTJ, MBTI, … thing period. It is just one insecure immature bully who can’t take responsibility for his own faults and actions.

 

[5r6jhd]

I don't think it's a type thing...its just a dysfunction thing!

I tend to get really down on myself and isolate. I can also be really snippy with people whne I'm really stressed, but I don't ever look for ways to put people down!! That's just not right.

 

[It Doesn't Matter]

When I am under a lot of stress I often perceive the world in a very negative way, which effects on how I interact with other people in a negative way. But it's not like I am angry at someone, just angry at what is going on .

 

[Akherousia]

I can also agree that it has nothing to do if he´s INFJ, ESTP or has another personality type... Like @Neverwhere said, I think it´s some kind of "dysfunction thing". He should understand that this behavior just makes you tired or even insults you.
I have also one question... Do you have a stable job? If that´s the case, then maybe he feels very insecure having a working woman, while he can´t do anything. Maybe it sounds like a stereotype, so I´m sorry for that. But maybe it breaks his self-esteem and that´s how he´s letting his frustration or even some kind of jealousy out.. Although it´s still not a good way to behave with a girlfriend...

 

[James]

I think for any mbti type losing your job in the current situation, it would be difficult not to be negative. That said whilst any type can be critical when provoked infjs can be devastatingly critical. The ability to read others feelings and personalities, can be a weapon when so used.

I'm an infj myself so I don't say that to attack them. Maybe picking the right moment and explaining how you feel may help ? Infjs have a very strong conscience and usually avoid conflict where possible, often at cost to themselves. I hope your partner is able to find a new job, as I'd guess that's the real problem.

 

[Psychonaut]

I retreat inwards and use the stress as a motivating force, which sometimes leads to me being more callous, but I usually try to stay away from people so I don't say/do things I'll regret.

 

[lifeintheshoesofa___]

I apologize, I'm still not quite sure how to use replies and comments here. I originally said: bahha. This is not intended for the original statement made by ShadowKnightness, but rather for this thread :

Originally Posted by acd
Sounds like a crybaby jerk thing and not an infj thing.
posted by: UBBEROGO
There is no difference.

I think his behavior can be attributed to his inability to sort through many issues. he is dealing with losing a job and probably a list of other issues, in turn he may also be thinking of your relationship and attributing some of his failures to you.

"he seems to try to tear down my abilities when his self-confidence dips to a low point. "

His cruelness is an issue that should not be excused as a personality characteristic. This behavior can be changed with a little self help on his part. When HIS self-confidence is low he tries to bring you down with him, this HE needs to get counsel on. I can understand being under stress and losing your mind (I as an INFJ have gone through this many many many times) However, just like some others have mentioned, we tend to avoid conflict at all cost and will resort to inner conflicts, ie: over analyzing everything and thinking too many negative thoughts, hence the hating everything in life.

I often find myself, when under a large amount of stress, deep inside my head, analyzing every single detail in life and becoming very depressed and negative. I tend to confide in my significant other and he tries to help the best he can, but we both recognize that these are my battles i have to deal with alone; eventually i need to seek counsel else where as my relationship is important and I do not want to jeopardize it with my temporary negative outlook on life. I would suggest to you sitting him down and letting him know how his behavior towards you is unjust and how it is now negatively affecting you and your relationship with him. You can still be there to support him as I'm sure he needs you support, however, your role doesn't involve taking on his issues as your own, or lowering your self-worth down to his to satisfy his desire to be equally miserable.

 

[Jill Hives]

When I am under a lot of stress my filter can go byebye and I often don't realize just how bad something sounded until after it was said. Which can definitely mean I might come across as harsh and mean, but I don't ever actively set out to be mean to anyone. Sometimes my emotions just come out in spurts over things that really don't have anything to do with why I am actually stressed out or upset. I also usually realize what I have done or how it probably sounded very shortly afterwards and I will apologize for that and try to explain that it wasn't their fault I reacted in that way.

More often than not I would say I am way more hard on myself and I internalize my stress. It just leaks out sometimes at inopportune moments...

 

[JGirl]

i fold inward.

 

[lifeintheshoesofa___]

He seems to blame everything around him because he doesn't want to face up to himself.

I do this very same thing. I didnt like to be told this at first, but when my partner brought this to my attention using several examples, it made me step back and see what i was doing. Perhaps you could try this with him as well?

 

[Grey Wolf]

Please excuse my title I do not mean to accuse all INFJ's of such things. I have just noticed that since my INFJ boyfriend lost his job last year, he has become increasingly negative about his life and me. He seems to get angry at me very quickly when he is upset, and he seems to try to tear down my abilities when his self-confidence dips to a low point. He has been doing this for an entire year, I am tired of it.

Do any INFJ's here notice that under stress, they tend to take out their anger/resentment on their partners? Our actions are all our own fault, but I wonder if his personality tends him towards this. For me, when under stress, I know that I go internal and I blame myself and I hurt myself rather than hurt those around me, I do not lash out much. He seems to blame everything around him because he doesn't want to face up to himself.

sounds about right. I do that too haha. and once in that state, it takes me freaking long to get out of it.. but incredibly when the time is right the smallest thing will just snap me out of it.

 

[Lea]

Please excuse my title I do not mean to accuse all INFJ's of such things. I have just noticed that since my INFJ boyfriend lost his job last year, he has become increasingly negative about his life and me. He seems to get angry at me very quickly when he is upset, and he seems to try to tear down my abilities when his self-confidence dips to a low point. He has been doing this for an entire year, I am tired of it.

Do any INFJ's here notice that under stress, they tend to take out their anger/resentment on their partners? Our actions are all our own fault, but I wonder if his personality tends him towards this. For me, when under stress, I know that I go internal and I blame myself and I hurt myself rather than hurt those around me, I do not lash out much. He seems to blame everything around him because he doesn't want to face up to himself.

I know that I am sensitive and even more so when life gets a bit tough. But when someone I love tells me there is a problem with what I'm doing, that it's upsetting them, I sit up and take notice. Try having a kind of have a heart to heart with him on a regular basis let say once a week. Tell him why you like him so much and what he means to you, then describe his behaviour and how it has been making you feel.

 

[acd]

I think all the psycho-babble and pandering to the persons emotions just make you appear weak in their eyes... Sometimes you have to be firm and stand up for yourself. You have to give them a reality check. You just have to say, "get your shit together or I am out of here. I don't deserve this treatment from you. I'll help you and be there for you but you have got to be better to me. Your problems are not my fault." if the guy truly cares about you, he will get it.