In recent years, I've learnt to appreciate the INFJ qualities that make me uniquely 'me'. However do other INFJs feel that due to our rareness, it can be harder for us to find love? By this I mean finding that someone who we really and truly connect with ? Would really appreciate your thoughts...
INFJs and love
- Thread starter AussieINFJ
- Start date
Growing up I was often fearful of what 'love' may feel like, learning from a young age that I could not trust relatives or parents with my emotions or sensitivity, willfully avoiding such conditional acceptance and interpretations I saw from so many actually in relationships or unsure what they were even seeking themselves (the kind of people that expect others to please or make them happy as an entitlement rather than seeking self awareness and self identity themselves). However once I saw a psychotherapist I came to realise that my elder relatives were very much self interested rather than unconditional in their expressions of love, not able to seek emotional attachment from anyone themselves without expectations, demands, manipulation or projections of inferiority cast onto others.
Reading Real Love by Greg Baer (highly recommended for anyone seeking to mature inside and outside relationships sought) and actually learning from a friend 2 years ago what acceptance, conditionless regard, selfless interest in others and actually caring about the happiness of others looked like as a new experience of unconditional love helped my sense of self immensely. Realising as I had done for years (common with INFJs it seems) that I was giving love or respect to others leaving nothing behind for myself, becoming misanthropic as a result of seeing so many people willing to take respect or support without ever wishing (or knowing how) to reciprocate themselves without conditional notions such as deserving, entitlement, 'being owed it', currying favour from personas, , manipulation for rewards, nothing is ever free, responsibility, favours sought, what's in it for me, ends to a means, need or 1 sided expectations.
(My relationship with love involves the need for self acceptance, self compassion and seeking to remain authentically honest about one's true self nearly always so we can each be sure that our motivations are virtuous when we share or seek loving acceptance for others, and ideally in time receive reciprocation as the person we truly are and vice versa.)
Reading Real Love by Greg Baer (highly recommended for anyone seeking to mature inside and outside relationships sought) and actually learning from a friend 2 years ago what acceptance, conditionless regard, selfless interest in others and actually caring about the happiness of others looked like as a new experience of unconditional love helped my sense of self immensely. Realising as I had done for years (common with INFJs it seems) that I was giving love or respect to others leaving nothing behind for myself, becoming misanthropic as a result of seeing so many people willing to take respect or support without ever wishing (or knowing how) to reciprocate themselves without conditional notions such as deserving, entitlement, 'being owed it', currying favour from personas, , manipulation for rewards, nothing is ever free, responsibility, favours sought, what's in it for me, ends to a means, need or 1 sided expectations.
(My relationship with love involves the need for self acceptance, self compassion and seeking to remain authentically honest about one's true self nearly always so we can each be sure that our motivations are virtuous when we share or seek loving acceptance for others, and ideally in time receive reciprocation as the person we truly are and vice versa.)
Thanks LifesWonderer - a very emotionally mature response and so much I could relate to in your post 
i don't believe that infj are all that rare. i think we are just less likely to be counted in such statistics because we aren't 'out there'. i also believe that we have been put on a pedestal of sorts that makes it appear as though we are somehow exceptional or extra special.
having said that, the traits we possess do make it more difficult to meet those that interest us, but finding love is difficult for all types. finding that one person to truly connect with is about so much more than personality. it's about commitment, respect, resilience, forgiveness and all that.
we all struggle with the same issues in relationships. how we go about dealing with them is what matters, and i think each and every personality type has the ability to do that.
Thanks LifesWonderer - a very emotionally mature response and so much I could relate to in your post
Of course, although I would have to insist that you consider reading the book though
This is definitely something difficult i've had to deal with---honestly, it might not necessarily be just an INFJ trait but a personal trait as well. But I tend to be very picky and though I could "see" myself in a relationship with someone for some time I can usually see the limitation (the fact that it will not be sustainable on the long run and that the end is coming). But I take it for what it's worth and enjoy the ride while I can, of course still being loving, devoted, trusting, and giving it my all.
However, it is a rare blue moon where I come across someone who I share a deep unspoken connection with and with that connection a strong pulsing energy that radiates from the interactions we have (very cerebral at that---always starting from deep conversations). For me, this unfortunately leads to an unhealthy situation where I fall deeply in love---probably more so than the typical person because it happens so rarely for me. The thought of being in a relationship, etc, with this person becomes too intense when there are many factors probably making the match difficult (though the attraction may visibly be there for both parties).
However, it is a rare blue moon where I come across someone who I share a deep unspoken connection with and with that connection a strong pulsing energy that radiates from the interactions we have (very cerebral at that---always starting from deep conversations). For me, this unfortunately leads to an unhealthy situation where I fall deeply in love---probably more so than the typical person because it happens so rarely for me. The thought of being in a relationship, etc, with this person becomes too intense when there are many factors probably making the match difficult (though the attraction may visibly be there for both parties).