INFJ Relationships

[Questingpoet]

I have a question in my quest to understand all I can about personality types, and my "INFJ"ness. I have had a very special woman come back into my life recently from my distant past (22 years ago). Since typing and analyzing those close to me is quickly becoming my latest obsession, I have a type-relationship question for you all.

I (obviously) am an INFJ, and am with an ISFJ. It is comfortable, but not always that exciting, or fulfilling. From what I have read, this is supposed to be a fairly good (although not outstanding) match. We don't have that day-to-day closeness I really desire. She gets to caught up in things and retreats inside.

The one from the past is an ENFP, I am pretty sure (small chance she is ENFJ). The type match for INFJ/ENFP is a bit confusing. I have read some material that says this is not a good match (the majority), and some material that says it is (the minority).

The minority material talks about how having opposite inclinations for our dominant and secondary functions is a good thing: My Intraverted Intuition / Her Extraverted Intuition. My Extraverted Feeling / Her Intraverted Feeling.

What are your opinions on INFJ relations with ISFJ and ENFP types? Are there any of you out there that are in either of these type relationships?

 

[Exodus]

Do not date the ISFJ. We bring out the worst qualities in them. They need constant affirmation or they become depressed. They will form judgements about you, that they will keep to themselves, and eventually come to resent you. Once they have formed this opinion, there is no reversing it.

They will likely not communicate very well with you because they need someone to give them simple reassurances on a daily basis. They are insecure, and do not share their feelings. INFJ usually read other people's feelings and react accordingly. You will have a difficult time reading a ISFJ, and you will likely be unable to offer affirmation in a form that the ISFJ needs.

Bottom Line: They need someone simple, uncomplicated, and overly affirming
We are almost the complete opposite of what they need.

I would recommend a ESTP or possiblly a ESFP. Simple, exciting people that enjoy life on a day to day basis. Deep thinking and theories are confusing and make ISFJs nervous and create anxiety. N types in general are not the best idea, NJ types are probably the worst for them.

 

[Questingpoet]

Thanks for the advice, but it is a little late now. This other woman (ENFP)has made me take a long, hard at life though. I feel so invigarated around her. We were so close when we were young. It's been a long time since I felt such a bond with an extravert. My "Ni" has been working overtime trying to updated her completely in my mind.

The "what if" thing can really be terrible for our types of mind I think. I know I've read more than a couple of things that say INFJ and ISFJ are somewhat compatable. One site called us "Neighbors" (i.e. - we end up at the same place by different routes). Any other opinions and/or advice out there?

 

[Exodus]

The ISFJ will leave you with about a million "what ifs", because they will never show you how they feel. They will tell you everything is one way, but your intuition will know they are not being truthful. You will then "what if" yourself to death.

The things we naturally need, a ISFJ will not give, and vice versa. They generally can care less for romantic overtures, and will be pissed you left a cup sitting on the table.

 

[analyst]

I think like anything else, it's possible if both parties are willing to work at it. So while the other person's personality may be mysterious and confusing to the INFJ, if the INFJ asks questions like "I'm thinking this, am I right?", that kind of stuff can go a long way.

I've dated Myer's Briggs that are supposed to be perfect matches (INFJ and ENFJ) and failed. I've dated some of the middle "maybe" class. I've dated some of the "don't even think about it" category. Bottom line, understand your personality and your ladies and be willing to acknowledge the subtle differences when they pop up day to day.

And yeah, "what ifs" suck. I think all INFJs have a million of 'em!

 

[Ria]

my boyfriend is an ISTP and we found it hard over the last 2 yrs to get along well... after a 3 month break up, we r back together... I still feel guarded as he lacks natural empathy yet he still loves me very much. This feels hurtful and lonely for me, but he knows he needs to work on empathy and he is trying. An an INFJ/P, my sensitivities are thru the roof (lucky us) lol, and I try daily to manage my emotions behind my quiet exterior. When I have had enough, I need to walk away, this bothers him because he has no idea what's wrong when to me, it's just SO obvious. This leaves me with a couple of impressions the first being that he is an idiot (no, just extremely unaware), and he is a jerk, (just extremely afraid of his own inability to empathize and becoming angry when making a mistake and becoming hard on himself)... so ya, even tho this silly dynamic was the case, I can see he is actually taking time to try and manage His own anxiety now this time round, unlike before. This brings me hope. Altho, for some reason, even from when I was a kid, I sensed I would always be alone, so if we don't actually ever work out, I know that he will suffer more than I will because he is unhappy within himself whereas I am fulfilled within my own inner life to be just fine.

 

[Questingpoet]

Wow Ria, that sounds pretty sad to me. I hope we can all have people in our lives to love, to share ourselves with. Children are a great source of joy for most people (including myself), but it doesn't replace having that one person to be the other half of your soul. I hope you don't ever give up looking for that.

Even though we are all unique, complicated beings, I don't think we are truely built to be "alone". Yes, we intraverts need time alone to recharge our brains, but we all need and crave human companionship to some degree--based on our unique biological and mental makeup.

I've found that besides being extremely happy (which always involves some form of love), the state I seem to gravitate to is a kind of somber melancholy. I really think I prefer it over every other state but joy. I do not think this is a good thing, but since I became AWARE (always knew underneath) I can do things to combate this.

I would not say I am depressive by nature (I am an optimist), but I can get very withdrawn and can obsess on negative thoughts. I can also obsess on postive ones to--I don't discriminate!

Awarenes is half the battle. We INFJ's are a sensitive lot. Love is always worth searching for, worth fighting for, worth getting hurt for--otherwise it's not really love.

I do write my best stuff when emotionally charged though. In love, mad, or especially sad will do it. Now I realize why all the great writers were drinkers!

 

[Ria]

Wow Ria, that sounds pretty sad to me. I hope we can all have people in our lives to love, to share ourselves with. Children are a great source of joy for most people (including myself), but it doesn't replace having that one person to be the other half of your soul. I hope you don't ever give up looking for that.

Even though we are all unique, complicated beings, I don't think we are truely built to be "alone". Yes, we intraverts need time alone to recharge our brains, but we all need and crave human companionship to some degree--based on our unique biological and mental makeup.

I've found that besides being extremely happy (which always involves some form of love), the state I seem to gravitate to is a kind of somber melancholy. I really think I prefer it over every other state but joy. I do not think this is a good thing, but since I became AWARE (always knew underneath) I can do things to combate this.

I would not say I am depressive by nature (I am an optimist), but I can get very withdrawn and can obsess on negative thoughts. I can also obsess on postive ones to--I don't discriminate!

Awarenes is half the battle. We INFJ's are a sensitive lot. Love is always worth searching for, worth fighting for, worth getting hurt for--otherwise it's not really love.

I do write my best stuff when emotionally charged though. In love, mad, or especially sad will do it. Now I realize why all the great writers were drinkers!

That was a very nice post, thanks for writing it, it gave me a bit of hope and optism... I lived most of my life avoiding optimism because I can't stand to be disappointed. Anyways, I know that I need love as we all do.. I also know that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else before, so there is a lot at stake. Well... again, thanks for believing.

 

[Gaze]

Even though we are all unique, complicated beings, I don't think we are truely built to be "alone". Yes, we intraverts need time alone to recharge our brains, but we all need and crave human companionship to some degree--based on our unique biological and mental makeup.

I've found that besides being extremely happy (which always involves some form of love), the state I seem to gravitate to is a kind of somber melancholy. I really think I prefer it over every other state but joy. I do not think this is a good thing, but since I became AWARE (always knew underneath) I can do things to combate this.

I would not say I am depressive by nature (I am an optimist), but I can get very withdrawn and can obsess on negative thoughts. I can also obsess on postive ones to--I don't discriminate!

Awarenes is half the battle. We INFJ's are a sensitive lot. Love is always worth searching for, worth fighting for, worth getting hurt for--otherwise it's not really love.

I do write my best stuff when emotionally charged though. In love, mad, or especially sad will do it. Now I realize why all the great writers were drinkers!

Sounds like me quite a bit.