INFJ male + INTP female | INFJ Forum

INFJ male + INTP female

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by INFJ1, Jan 28, 2018.

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  1. INFJ1

    INFJ1 One

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    I'm a straight male INFJ and i feel I'm quite extreme (high percentage) in all of the respective letters, also possibly quite high up in all the so-called functions (Ni, Fe, Ti, maybe not so for Se, but definitely not too low as well, thanks to the need for it to "manifest" during work). Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and share my long past stories here, as they are probably what's mainly troubling myself now (shadow Si perhaps?) I hope I'll be able to keep it concise and informative, and won't invite too much negativity/trouble to anyone here.

    I've been in 4 past relationships, where 3 were official and only 2 of them are significant to my current dilemma – being consumed by past painful memories, affecting my current mood and emotions to the point that I worry it’ll be too much of an emotional baggage/turn-off for the person I’m currently in love with. The first one being my very first love, and the 2nd one being my most recent relationship, which was also the longest-lasting and most torturous one.

    My first was probably an ENTP (I only knew about and started to go into it in recent years) – she was probably borderline in all the aspects, with P being her highest perhaps. Anyway, I “courted” her for 1 year, where I initiated everything from texts, phone calls and eventually confessing and finally going out on up to 4..”dates?” nearing the end of the 1 year period. I had to move to the city (4 hours drive) after that and only then did she finally said “yes” to being my gf (I’m very bad with dating terminologies it seems), citing the reason of “not wanting to lose me”. It was the best feeling in the world, but it only lasted for 1.5 months, where she tried to break up with my for 6 times or more (can’t really remember the exact figure), from being too exhausted with my overly emotional state and me being too…just too emotional I guess? She never did tell me in exact words/explanations as to why she left, but wrote a considerably long e-mail to me 3 years later attempting to explain why she did so. I felt that the e-mail wasn’t clear enough but didn’t press on, so to this day my interpretation of why she left was because I was too immature with my feelings/emotions and I was too much of an emotional baggage for her to endure, and possibly due to her parents disapproving our relationship as well, citing studies being more important as a reason.

    Anyway, moving forward to my most recent r/s, which was with a highly insecure and turbulent ESFJ (she was cheated on by her first love of 3 years living together). It was similar – I “courted” her for 1 year in LDR (this time I was overseas for my uni), where I was hurled with insults / accusations / misunderstanding / passive-aggressive etc while occasionally dropping comments that I wasn’t good enough etc. Either way, I gave it up finally when I bought her a present that she had wanted for ages very much – she questioned me if I was trying to “tie her down with commitment by giving her that present (trying to have her feel as if she needed to commit to me if she accepts the present)”. After i gave up on her, she blamed me for hurting her by giving her false hope and etc. Fast-forward 4 years later, I was back in my home country and met her – she gave off a different vibe and had been single since then, so I decided to try us again after much deliberation. That led to a 2 years of emotional/mental torture, which I ended up doing the so-called “INFJ door slam” on her completely. The worst thing that happened was..i got caught in the “grip” due to long periods of stress from her judging/accusations yet again, and finally committed something so shameful that it’ll be the shame of my life – a scar in my soul for doing it – it was SO not me (i committed it before she finally accepted to be my gf). I obviously couldn’t keep it from her so I confessed, which led to her having me slit my wrist as a form of punishment/apology for having done it (thinking back I didn’t actually owe her the apology as it was just me plunging into darkness. I probably owed myself and my parents an apology more). But bear in mind that she had her own circumstances which I understood/understand even now, as to what led her to do things as such, so I’d say I hope that she can find a way to deal with her problems from here on but only without me in it.

    So 1 year after the stressful 2 years (I think that it had made me stronger both emotionally and socially/career-wise), I meet this wonderful INTP girl 7 years younger than me who…really feels like a very very good girl and actually cares for me and sincerely apologises to me when she unintentionally hurts me every now and then, even though I keep telling her that I understand it was unintentional and it…liberates my soul when she tries to comfort me but finds it so hard to do so (she would say things like.."uhh..i'm trying to think of how to comfort u").

    So here’s the deal. We were having a very good vibe up till now, a few “hurting” here and there on my side, which led her to feel bad about it and etc (we worked it out each time), and we went out on a date and held hands last week. It was all good but I plunged into shadow mode a few days ago after going back to my hometown where all of these past memories ruled over me – the bed I used to sleep on, the beach where we used to go to, the whole vibe of the place and ultimately the loss of my best friend exactly 1 year ago due to a sickness. Either way, I became too caught up on the moment and popped the question on whether she considered me her bf (it might be due to my past exp that caused me so much insecurities and being so caught up with that “relationship status” thing – remembering my “courting” for 1 year for my first love only to be abandoned for 6 times or more). Anyway she made it very clear that it wasn’t that she was not interested but she wanted to be more natural around me first etc etc, and just needed time.

    That’s all good, I wish I wasn’t consumed by these past memories so much. But I was, and I ended up “making a drama” and felt that I ultimately stressed her out a lot during this past week – she felt tired even to me and now I’m feeling as though she’s more distant from me compared to before. However, we conversed last night and she told me I should call her directly if I was troubled etc, but I couldn’t help but feel that the conversation has lost its magic…as compared to a week before where everything was just happy and jokey etc. I’m still trying hard to fight the bad memories and negativity right now, but whenever I feel that she’s far away (doesn’t reply after long hours), or like she doesn’t care (I understand that INTP’s are not good at showing they do), and etc, it really gets to me. It’s like one moment I understand she cares/feel her efforts at the very least, and the moment we’re not connected (via phone or texts) I get these insecurities attacking me, which is so stressful.

    I have made sufficient explanations to her and she says she understands, but it’s just my feelings always getting in the way. She has commented twice about our relationship status, asking me why I was in such a hurry, why not we just go with the flow and just let it work out naturally. I did try to communicate to her that maybe it’s because I’m more closed-end and do have my insecurities. Overall I’m just in this unbearable battle with…what exactly even I’m not sure. Perhaps my past? My inferiority complex? My insecurities? I understand that I need to give her space etc and I did take up her offer to call her when I feel down, but I can’t exactly do that because I feel down pretty much most of the time, as long as I can’t meet her and re-establish that feeling of security when I held her hands during the date, where it felt like me and her were genuinely connected, along with all the good exchange of texts/etc over the past 2 months+.

    And now (today), i'm feeling that she might have lost interest, just feels that way to me somehow, and that pretty much in turn makes my heart cold. I'm not sure how to explain but I'm in general in a mess right now, and being so closed-end, i don't even know what i should do. I've been replying her texts with a very..normal tone..just doesn't feel like before. I've been listening to music, continuing my novel, playing/singing my songs on my guitar and working out today, all in an attempt to shift my focus and get some..Se perhaps? Overall...i guess i just don't really know what i can do anymore. The reason why i'm expressing it here is also because i can't really do it to her, on top of not wanting to stress her out...i'm somehow expecting that her response would once again be..lots of silence and "i dunno...whatever".
     
  2. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

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  3. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    This dude is high af
     
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  4. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    Hi there and welcome to the forum.

    Speaking for the INTP delegation, I can say with certainty that you're manifesting two things that we generally despise - drama, and pressure. "How to lose an INTP in 10 minutes," basically. We don't lay these things on other people, and we expect the favor to be returned in kind.

    You've got stuff from your past that haunts you. That doesn't make you special. It makes you an adult who has lived and felt things. Your INTP friend also has things that haunt her. She probably doesn't feel the need to let those things creep to the surface amidst otherwise normal and healthy interactions with another person. As Fe-users, INTPs typically do not like burdening others with the chaff of past experiences. Talk about them, sure. Emote all over someone about them, no.

    The good news is if she's still talking to you, she's interested. I echo wholeheartedly her assertion that things need to develop organically. INTPs do not like strictures to be placed on their personal interactions, including deadlines or heavy-handed expectations. I'm glad you're able to admit that your behavior in this regard is partially due to your own insecurities as it shows a good deal of self-awareness on your part. It's probably also helpful for your friend to know that. My guess is that she will now expect you to work on improving and mitigating those insecurities.

    Look at it this way. If what the two of you have is real, she will continue to be there for you, so there's no need for you to place undue restrictions on her or attempt to hurry things along. If not, she won't and that will suck, but you'll move on with your life.

    If you're concerned about her playing the field, don't be. It takes a lot of mental energy for an INTP to handle just one relationship, so she is very unlikely to be looking elsewhere. When or if she's no longer interested, you'll know it.

    Good luck!
     
  5. highlighter

    highlighter Regular Poster

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    INTP= not worth it.

    Sorry dude, this is a one sided issue plain and simple. If you continue on this path you will wake from your daydream and realize that the INTP was grooming you all along to fit the mold of what they want.

    her is the secret that INTPs dont want you to know.

    THEY LIE......they claim to not want control.....BUT the truth is....
    there ultimate desire is to be 100% in control of the relationship.
    How much TIME is being spent together
    How much free time they have
    How Much free time you have
    What activities are done in the time spent together
    what is the "status" of the relationship WHO dictates the status?
    They control how you Talk to them
    When you talk to them
    They control how what type of abuse you will take IE: being made fun of and given silent treatment

    LMFAO
    BY the time you know it you are walking on egg shells around INTPs they are pulling your strings making you jump through hoops never telling you how they feel giving you smoke and mirrors while you are giving and giving.

    run. dude. just RUN.

    oh and bro the whole
    "she is till talking to you" comment made above..........
    CHRIST.

    can you not see how narcissistic that comment is and where it is coming from?
    as IF the INTP is so holy and god like that is it an HONOR FROM the heavens above that the INTP would actually TALK TO YOU.
    omg........no dude seriously INTPs really do think that.
    cause of course INTPs blow off everyone else and rarely care about people in general so if they give you CRUMBS you should be honored with the INTP holy scraps sent from heaven.

    OK sorry for the rant. And to the INTPS....if you are as full of truth as you claim to be....you wont be offended by my comments.
     
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  6. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    The crusader returns! Defending all the innocent INFJs from the diabolical, secretly controlling and narcissistic INTPs! :tongueclosed:
     
  7. highlighter

    highlighter Regular Poster

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    LOL !!

    all fun aside, tell me in truth that I am not on point?
     
  8. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Phantom Traveler

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    The truth you asked for is coming so gird your loins.
    Yes because every INTP is the same. You continuously lump individuals into a single box and actually appear to believe that MBTI is all there is when the truth is there are so many other things to consider. For a supposed INFJ you seem to have a one track mind but that’s okay because I understand that you’re our last true beacon of hope.
    You will never know everything about anyone.
    There’s that fag talk again. #idiocracy
    “How did they teach you to be, just a happy puppet dancing on a string?”
    I can see why you have relationship issues. It’s your poor attitude. Any “type” can be a fucked up mess, including you. I would run away from you.
    That can be said for most introverted people. If someone likes you, they will make time for you.
    More of your nonsense. ID is far from narcissistic. In fact he’s incredibly loving, warm and very kind. And before you make more nonsensical assumptions you should know that I am well aware of what narcissistic abuse is. I won’t go into detail though because like INTPs I don’t want you to know. I want to tell you sweet little lies about how grand you are. That without your stellar wisdom our lives are hopeless. “There is no me without you.”
    You sound like an infant. I think it’s time you were fed, had your diaper changed and put to bed.
     
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    #8 Happy Phantom, Jun 20, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2018
  9. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

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    INTPs need to burn in hell
     
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  10. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Phantom Traveler

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    Highlighter needs to stfu.
     
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  11. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    No. You are not on point.

    Just a bunch of blabbered generalizations on INTPs as a whole. You sure you're an INFJ? You do seem very judgmental and quite critical of INTPs due to your negative biased perspective. I would retake the MBTI if I were you.
     
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  12. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    The crusader is never wrong! He Just Knows® that all INTPs are scheming sociopaths whose sole aim in life is to hunt down INFJs and make their lives as miserable as possible! He hatesss them Precious!!!!

    [​IMG]
     
    #12 infinite dreams, Jun 20, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2018
  13. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Phantom Traveler

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    Thanks. I’m blind now. :weary:
     
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  14. highlighter

    highlighter Regular Poster

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    Looks like I touched a nerve....

    All I have to say is this is an INFJ forum, and when I speak about NTs INTPs specifically my objective is to help INFJs see something that I did not see.
    You see in this type of relationship, its very easy for the INFJ to think they are in on the joke....in on the conversation...that they are speaking to another intuitive who understands them and they are communicating on an intuitive level. Only that's not really whats happening.

    I care about INFJs period....other types I don't care one way or another they all got problems and whatever.
    I have been called a "crusader" ......fair enough.

    But note that I am not on INTPS.COM nor INTJS.com in this "crusade"
    nope I am here on an INFJ site speaking form personal experience and a few years of studying narcissistic personality disorder.
    I see a direct link between the 2.
     
  15. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Phantom Traveler

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    You do realize there are no guarantees in any relationship, right? INFJs hurt people too.

    You sound about as logical as a phony psychic.
     
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  16. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Phantom Traveler

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    @highlighter ever notice that no one “likes” any of your posts?
     
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  17. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    LOL. I just made a giggle-snort hehehe
     
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  18. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    Unsurprisingly, you're giving yourself a bit too much credit here.

    Also, saying things like this is indicative of attempting to manipulate the tone of the argument in your favor when you have absolutely nothing of substance to add. It's a common tactic, and you are far from the first to try it. Again, unsurprising.

    You don't run this site. You don't get to decide who posts here or what opinions they get to express.

    If you "care about INFJs period," start your own forum and ban anyone who expresses those dastardly INTP-like tendencies. I'm sure it would be a rousing success.

    You're the only person posting here who sees this link. What does that say about you? Are you such an intuitive genius that you alone can see the grievous risks that INTP/Js pose to the INFJ community?

    I haven't seen you post proof of anything aside from your personal experiences. Your experiences do not define the expansive reality of human existence. They are one tiny set of data points in a massive realm of variables.
     
  19. highlighter

    highlighter Regular Poster

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    Ok......... so lets check the score card.

    So I posted with my thoughts on the topic of an INFJ male in a relationship with an INTP female.
    I am on topic. with the intention of assisting the author of the thread.

    IN response to my post on the topic....
    I receive Insults and name calling being told no one likes me.......:disrelieved::disrelieved::disrelieved::disrelieved:.........IN contrast I have not insulted any specific member here, I have only spoke on TYPE period.

    and somehow....I am the villain in this story?
    and let me guess I am the bully?

    Lets shift gears shall we.
    Jenny
    Phantom

    please tell the author of thread your thoughts on the paring in question and give him the pros and cons.
    kind regards.
     
  20. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    Yeah? Hmmm... :thinkinghard:

    Once again, you contradict yourself and prove to be full of shit. You're obsessed. It's weird, unhealthy and I do not get it. Furthermore, NO ONE on this forum full of INFJ empaths gets it. Examine yourself and your priorities and understand how you sound to other people.
     
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