INFJ friendship process - immediately clicking | INFJ Forum

INFJ friendship process - immediately clicking

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by rmoat, Jan 28, 2018.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 10 users.
More threads by rmoat
  1. rmoat

    rmoat Newbie

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Threads:
    7
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    140
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I didn't quite know how to word the topic, but as an INFJ the friendship process has been an interesting one. When younger, I had a lot of friends, but then as I developed into my INFJ personality throughout life the amount of friends and ease of creating new friends diminished.

    Unfortunately, I let a lot of toxic people into my life. And let them walk all over me. It hasn't been until the past few years that I have started to develop into a more healthy version of the INFJ. Removing the toxic, being able to say "No", and being more selective and aware of the people I let in.

    This has been great for me! What I've noticed due to this, I find a lot less people I am interested in, and I rarely find anyone I click with. And if there are potential friends, it can take a matter of a few weeks to start forming a friendship, to 6+ months/a year if things don't go well.

    What I wanted to ask about, are experiences when you have immediately clicked with someone. I'm guessing some INFJs have been in my similar position. Have you ever met someone (or may not officially met them, but have seen them from across a crowded room), and you feel that there is a connection? And you immediately want to be friends with that person? And if so, did you pursue that friendship? Did it turn out you were right and there was something special about this person, and that you were meant to be friends? Or that they came into your life for a reason?

    Immediately clicking with someone is very very rare for me. It seems like it only happens every few several years. Just want to know if you've experienced things like that.
     
    Sandie33, Carolynabj, Asa and 4 others like this.
  2. RonjaRaeubertochter

    RonjaRaeubertochter Community Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Threads:
    8
    Messages:
    230
    Featured Threads:
    5
    Likes Received:
    1,267
    Trophy Points:
    1,002
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Germany
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I certainly have my fair share of trouble making friends. Which on the other side makes me "love" or "befriend" harder once I meet someone I click with. I actually hate it, because a lot of times I drive the person away by being too intense. For me, I guess, it has to do with self-esteem issues and a windy past. Both are obviously connected. I have to be careful not to open up too quickly once I "click" with someone which happens rarely, yeah. Lonely here ;)
     
    Sandie33, Asa, flower and 3 others like this.
  3. OP
    rmoat

    rmoat Newbie

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Threads:
    7
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    140
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I most certainly understand. I have definitely been there as well. For me it has been patience and persistence, while doing my best to hold myself back. I have chased people away. Each time I think I meet a new person that I want to get to know, I think... "Alright, this time, I am going to be patient... and not do what I always do". I'm still working on that, and always will though.

    Very sorry you feel lonely. It is something that I think we as INFJs are very accustomed to, and it's not fun. I think as long as we are ourselves, do what makes us happy, people are/will be attracted to that. Sometimes those people won't be in our lives long, but if we're lucky, we'll get one that will stick through the thick and thin of it all. :)
     
    Asa, flower, #@&5&49 and 2 others like this.
  4. Chow

    Chow Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2018
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    Helper
     
    rmoat and Free like this.
  5. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2010
    Threads:
    129
    Messages:
    4,904
    Featured Threads:
    9
    Likes Received:
    8,767
    Trophy Points:
    877
    MBTI:
    SOCMOB
    Enneagram:
    .
    Though I'm not an INFJ, I'm still an introvert and have similar difficulties making friends. Immediately clicking usually doesn't happen by my own initiative, but rather in forced/artificial situations like in a classroom or at a job. Even then it can still take me a while to open up. I may notice someone who I resonate with, but I don't normally approach people to initiate friendship. Probably the only time I ever did this successfully was when I was 7 and met my best friend. I just walked up to him and said, "Hi J, wanna be friends?" and it was a wrap.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Asa, flower, infinite dreams and 4 others like this.
  6. OP
    rmoat

    rmoat Newbie

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Threads:
    7
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    140
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I definitely understand. I rarely approach people, but as you say, on occasion there have been times that you resonate with someone., and only 1% of the time I'll be the one to step out of my comfort zone to get to know them.

    Just recently at my new job, I resonated with someone like this, and it was in the 1% where I stepped out of my comfort zone. It started back in October, when he stopped by my desk during Halloween to chat for a minute. I could tell, although introverted as well, he was trying to open up. For a month or so, I'd randomly run into this person, even on lunch breaks at random stores. I wondered if there was a reason I was supposed to cross their path like this, and so it prompted me to break out of my INFJ introvert shell and actually be a friend.

    I really stepped out of my comfort zone, when I decided to invite him to lunch. Something I've never done, especially when it's two introverts who don't know each other, and are bound to have awkward silence (which did indeed happen).

    Strangely enough, either he really trusts me, or felt that I was an immediate friend, when he told me he had been applying for other jobs, and that he also felt the business had a lot of cliques. I think as an introvert, it's not easy to break into these cliques... and he just needed a friend (as did I, being new to a company doesn't make things easy either). So that's where I am at... and I'll see what happens, as it's still a work in progress.
     
    Scientia, flower, #@&5&49 and 3 others like this.
  7. Chow

    Chow Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2018
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    Helper
     
  8. Chow

    Chow Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2018
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    Helper
     
  9. Chow

    Chow Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2018
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    Helper
    I am quick to connect with new friends but just as quick to see through bull and often just walk away slowly. I have no time for fake or superiority complexes. I love real people who don't wear vails. My greatest flaw is I'm too transparent.
     
    flower, rmoat and RonjaRaeubertochter like this.
  10. OP
    rmoat

    rmoat Newbie

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Threads:
    7
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    140
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    That's definitely great, something that I know I've lacked with a specific person who was fake, and finally cut out of my life over a week ago (although, the doorslam process began a couple years back--it just took a long time to fully remove them). This actually reminds me of a funny INFJ meme that I've seen floating around that says, "I see fake people", and although funny, a very good trait to have. Especially since you can cut through the fake people quickly, thus minimizing losing your valuable time on someone who doesn't deserve it.
     
    #10 rmoat, Feb 8, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2018
    flower and #@&5&49 like this.
  11. #@&5&49

    #@&5&49 Well-known member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2012
    Threads:
    91
    Messages:
    4,278
    Featured Threads:
    7
    Likes Received:
    3,139
    Trophy Points:
    912
    MBTI:
    Inf?
    These days I work from home so I don't meet many new people. I also just went through a divorce and moved so I lost a few support people in my life as well. Lately, I've mostly relied on a couple old friends to get me through. I would definitely like to expand my circle of friends. Me and my life have changed so much though I have to come up with new ways to meet people. I rarely meet people I click with anymore. I need to get involved in more social activities so I can meet more people. Unfortunately though, I'm such a home-body and with the divorce and so many personal changes, a lot of the time I just feel like staying home. I'm hoping I'll eventually come out of my shell and venture back out into the world of the living.
     
  12. OP
    rmoat

    rmoat Newbie

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Threads:
    7
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    140
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I am really sorry. Although I have not been in that position, it sounds very difficult. And sometimes, you just need... time, which is a key factor to healing. It's hard to venture out and make friends, and/or click with anyone, when there are so many other things going on. Time does heal all though, and I'm sure you'll be back out in no time. The nice thing is, is that you do have a couple of old friends that are there for you, and they are the ones that matter. Keep going strong!
     
    flower, #@&5&49 and infinite dreams like this.
  13. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2017
    Threads:
    3
    Messages:
    1,307
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    6,432
    Trophy Points:
    1,327
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INTP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    (INTP) I often feel as though my friendship "resources" are limited. Meaning, I only have so much of myself that I can give to (or share with) other people. For this reason, since childhood I've always had only 2-4 friends at any given time whom I would consider close and I don't actively or passively seek out a broader circle as it's neither necessary nor expedient to do so. If I begin to really connect with someone new, chances are it's because I've grown more distant from a past/existing friend and something inside me is seeking out a new connection.

    I have plenty of acquaintances but they are in a different category, mainly people I have something or other in common with such as music, books, movies etc., so conversations are limited to those things and contact tends to be sporadic and impersonal (thanks Facebook!).
     
    Puzzlenuzzle, jkxx, Asa and 5 others like this.
  14. OP
    rmoat

    rmoat Newbie

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Threads:
    7
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    140
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Really amazing insight! Thanks for sharing. Actually, now that I think about it... that's probably what has happened to me. Unfortunately, because of the doorslam I've had to do on a toxic 6 year friendship, and then another friend completely disappearing after getting a new girlfriend, there's not many left. Actually probably only one or two that I see every couple of months.

    Sometimes I wonder, is life going to be continually like this. From friend to friend after another one leaves. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a steady friendship, regardless of whether they get in a new relationship, or something like that happens. Guess that's when you know you have a true friend.
     
    Puzzlenuzzle, jkxx, flower and 3 others like this.
  15. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2017
    Threads:
    3
    Messages:
    1,307
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    6,432
    Trophy Points:
    1,327
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INTP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    Life changes create difficult dynamics for friendships. One of my best friends from the past 20 years got married a few years back and recently his wife had their first child. We used to talk almost daily, hang out at least once a month (we live about 2 hours apart). Now things are different; he's got a whole new set of concerns and his intellectual and emotional energy is directed in a different path.

    In the end, you have to remember that the person on the other side of that friendship has their own set of values, experiences, struggles and issues too. I try not to ever take it personally unless someone goes out of their way to wrong me. You never really know what someone may be going through.
     
    Puzzlenuzzle, jkxx, Aneirin and 4 others like this.
  16. OP
    rmoat

    rmoat Newbie

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Threads:
    7
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    140
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    This is probably one of the best things I could have read

    I mentioned how I was working on a new friendship up above, and how we connected really quickly. It was like there was a reason we were supposed to meet and start forming a friendship.

    Yesterday, he was laid off. Today was his last day, and I didn't get a proper goodbye. Like you said, people do have their own set of values, experiences, struggles, and issues too. I hope that I was able to make a difference in their life, and hope that despite not being able to continually form this introvert and introvert friendship (it has been tough), that I can somehow find a way to reach out and be the friend that they need. It definitely stings though, to meet a compatible friend, and then feeling that it gets ripped away.
     
  17. flower

    flower

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Threads:
    33
    Messages:
    9,022
    Featured Threads:
    9
    Likes Received:
    36,878
    Trophy Points:
    3,155
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Nordic
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    9w1 sx
    I've definitely trouble making friends, especially close friends. I've few acquaintances from different places gathered through life but no close friends or anyone other really than my family to have developed meaningful relationship with. It does get lonely at times. It's hard for me to find people who I really instantly click with and who are in the same wavelength. Someone who just understands without any explanations. Maybe this is a bit of perfectionism as well? No one is perfect and never can know what someone else might going through in life.

    I guess the last time I had a special connection with someone was my ex boyfriend. From the very first words we exchanged between each other, I just knew it was going to be something amazing and extraordinary. To be honest, I don't need or even want many friends as being so introverted anyways but 1-5 very close friends would be more than enough.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  18. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
    Donor

    Joined:
    May 29, 2011
    Threads:
    16
    Messages:
    5,146
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    20,747
    Trophy Points:
    1,481
    Location:
    home
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    type 4w5
    Friend making is very difficult for me. I resonate with someone, but don't have the skill to connect on the friend level. I too am about to leave a relationship, as we are separating (but still in the same house, which is so damn difficult). As I embark on the single life I know I have to build friendships, but it is my biggest concern at the moment.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  19. jkxx

    jkxx SxS

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2018
    Threads:
    21
    Messages:
    1,321
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    37,833
    Trophy Points:
    2,332
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Colorado, US
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    As an AvPD I can relate to the above posts where it is unlikely I'll become friends with or get to know someone if met in "IRL" setting first - as that precludes any possibility of getting to know them for the most part. The rate has improved up to about 3 people per decade but that seems to be the higher limit of it. Otherwise I can occasionally (very rarely still) run into someone I'll get along with but those are considered exceptional. At work and otherwise there are acquaintances and those are not difficult to deal with but then they don't contribute much to my life either. Though the people who are near and dear to me tend to stay for a long time and matter to me greatly.

    In general almost all normal places and situations where one would socialize and make friends are ones I can't do the same so this makes things rather complicated for me.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  20. Eliza

    Eliza One

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2018
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    458
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I just signed up to this forum today as I figured it would help me out a little. I have had one close friend for a few years and I have an amazing boyfriend, but my friend lives really far away so we only catch up every few months. My boyfriend is my best friend but I feel like I need to expand my social circle beyond that, I'm feeling a bit lonely.

    I'm doing my first year at university which is nearly finished. I still feel like I haven't truly "clicked" with anyone there as i find it really hard to start conversations. When I do find a group to hang out with I usually feel socially exhausted at the end of the day. I've only recently realised that I'm becoming reclusive and I don't know what to do.

    How do you find friends that understand you for who you are? And friends that understand your need for alone time now and then?
     
    flower, Impact Character and Wyote like this.
Loading...

Share This Page