INFJ female dating INTJ male

[SailorNicki]

Greetings!

So, I stumbled across this forum when I was trying to read more on what's stated ^^ I'm an INFJ female who has been dating an INTJ male for several months now.

Basically, we connected right away, we exchanged written messages for about a month before we actually went on our first date and even then, we talked for 7 hours straight just sitting in a park. Even then, we both felt a connection. He asked me a few weeks later to be his "official" girlfriend. I said yes. Things for the most part are perfectly fine. We really don't fight, at all. We typically see each other once a week due to our busy lives (which I'm content with). We try to talk daily on skype while playing a few games. While we're together, he's very loving, understanding, and comforting.

If everything seems perfect then why do I need advice being with an INTJ? Well, I guess this is where it gets a tad bit complicated. We both expressed to each other a stronger connection than we either imagined. We also stated "falling" for each other. I have expressed to him before that he can come off as cold and distant, he's aware of it, but I know its typical of the INTJ type. Does not help that it can make me come off as "needy" when I view myself as anything but, at least in past relationships, I'm the one that tends to be the one being clinged to and not the other way around. On Christmas Eve, I tried getting ahold of him so I could confirm a few details about our New Years plans since they had to be taken care of ASAP. He seemed more distant than normal and seemed as if he was trying to blow me off. I try not to let things like that get to me, but sometimes its harder than other times.

I pretty much left him alone until I was about to go to bed, when I told him goodnight (which is normal even if we hardly speak at all for the day)...he always responds back, this time he did not. I probably took this the wrong way, however, I want know if something is wrong, so, I asked. I could quickly feel the mood shift as soon as he asked if I could talk over skype/phone.

It was as I had expected, he told me he wasnt sure that this was the right time for our relationship. He felt really guilty for how much I give and do for him and that he cannot do the same for me. He said at this point all he felt like he was doing was hurting me, and that he was afraid it would only get worse, at least as emotions continue to develop. He said it wasn't as if he didn't want to be with me, he has said that he felt that I was more than he deserves. He also has stated then (and before) that he could see himself super long term with me, that the breakup wouldn't be forever...he would eventually want to try to work things out.

After a 3 hour phone call of talking, he decided he wanted to continue to try this relationship. This is when I really started thinking more about everything and started looking more into the INFJ and INTJ relationship.

Other things to add:
~ He's really affectionate and loving when we are together in person
~ If he ever gets upset (which seems very rarely) he is normally fine after an hour.
~ We're both 26
~ This is also both our 3rd "serious" relationship
~ He told me this relationship is the most different than the other ones he had, as that he can be completely himself, and he's also been the most open than with any other woman.
~ Sometimes when he tells me he wants more space (IE we won't be talking on skype as much) it never lasts, normally he's the one that will initiate the calls too.

I just want opinions/views on this relationship, as I know that everybody is different, so, the experience you might have had would be different than the one I'm having. I mean, we both have a really strong connection in every aspect that you probably could have in a relationship, there's a mutual attraction to one another, and we do deeply care about one another and we make each other happy. While he isn't always verbal with his emotions, he seems to verbalize them more often than I've read a lot of INTJs do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel that the issue he is having is fixable, there's apart of me that thinks he's afraid of his own feelings, but I obviously could be wrong. Thanks in advance

 

[Vict]

Pretty much, yeah. Fear.

I can't speak as to a timeframe but if you're the patient type you can try waiting and being available. Realistically, I imagine that will irk you to a breaking point.

 

[technics]

The whole story sounds like my last date.

 

[Tin Man]

I can understand where he's coming from. I do often feel that I don't give enough in relationships and will only end hurting people. It comes from negative experiences and can lead to ending otherwise healthy relationships. It doesn't have anything to do with you and unfortunately there's no quick fix. It will take time for him to come to terms with such issues.

 

[SailorNicki]

Thank you for those who have responded so far!

I might add that while his mind was super made up (he tells me once his mind is set it is almost impossible to change it) ~ I know this is the logical thinking side of INTJs. However, it appears I'm able to change it. Not just in this instance, there's others too.

He does tell me I am everything he wants in a woman, but he does not feel mature enough for it, and though I tell him I am content with how things are now, and I am, he feels I won't always be. I know he's right about that, but that is the different between several months of dating to years of dating. Eventually it won't be enough, but by that time I would hope that the fear that he might have will go away.

I have hope, but the reason I'm asking for advice is obviously I'm being realistic at the same time.

 

[technics]

It was as I had expected, he told me he wasnt sure that this was the right time for our relationship. He felt really guilty for how much I give and do for him and that he cannot do the same for me.

Yeah. With my recent dates, it always felt as if there were asking for more which I couldn't give them. And as for the "right time for a relationship": There's really no such thing. He might think that there will be such a point in time, but that could as well take eternity.

My last girlfriend also said that to me: "I'm not for relationships right now". But I nevertheless decided to barge in and get her. And it turned into a wonderful relationship.

What I'm saying is that, if you give in to the "right time" argument, you might actually lose him.

He also has stated then (and before) that he could see himself super long term with me, that the breakup wouldn't be forever.

The last girl I dated, everything was perfect. As you described: Everything worked, wonderful dates, no problems. But it was like she was in for more and I felt like I only put in 70% into the pot, leaving her hanging.

She really wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I couldn't give her that. But the reason was not "fear" or "negative experiences". It was more about keeping my independence. And as you probably know, this is very important for INTJs. You surely know better what's driving his decisions, but keep in mind that it might not be fear (of commitment or vulnerability or whatever).

After a 3 hour phone call of talking, he decided he wanted to continue to try this relationship.

Just before we parted ways, this was one of the last sentiments I had to struggle with. In the end, I decided against it.

I might add that while his mind was super made up (he tells me once his mind is set it is almost impossible to change it)

It usually isn't, even with INTJs. There's always room for change.

And though I tell him I am content with how things are now, and I am, he feels I won't always be. I know he's right about that

Things change quickly once you're truly in a relationship. I don't know about the details of your relationship, but it sounds feasible. If I were you, based on what you have written, I would hang in for a bit longer. But in a loose manner, let him come to you slowly, inch-wise. Maybe to such a degree that he still feels that he's himself.

 

[bagelriffic]

Its really pretty simple. You just gotta ask yourself 'do I like being with him, as he is, right now without any hope that things will change someday or be better in some future point in time?' If the answer is yes fantastic! Keep asking yourself this periodically throughout the relationship. If your answer at some point is no then leave, and if you want another relationship find someone who does, then repeat the process.

'Oh no bagelriffic that's all wrong! Relationships require sacrifice and hard work and commitment and (insert any romantic comedy moral here).' Horseshit. Relationships can usually be boiled down to either trying to change someone because you don't like something about them, or controlling someone because you do. This happens on various levels to different degrees. Buts its great really, because things just dont work that way, and you're just gonna suffer. So if you want to avoid all that, which i doubt, but for the sake of conclusion, just keep it real, keep it here. Like em now? Nothing to worry about. Dont? Move on.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

I might sound biased but I think the INTJ/INFJ match works brilliantly (as the saying goes, "iron sharpens iron"). We've been together for 15 years and our marriage/relationship/friendship is beyond amazing!

Bagelriffic is spot on with his comment "do I like being with him, as he is...etc."

Two months is relatively a very short period of time so try not to get caught up in defining the relationship and go with the flow (give each other space - sounds like he needs it more than you)....see it as an opportunity to get to really KNOW each other unless of course you do want to move on.

 

[SailorNicki]

I had a response and I lost it. sigh.

So, here's at typing it all out again...


In all honesty, right now, I really am content with how things are between us. I still consider this to be a new relationship and still in the stages of getting to know each other and just enjoying being with each other, when we are with each other.

I am realistic in most aspects, so, as we've had many conversations, the amount of time we have been dating isn't enough time to really feel a person out or fall completely. It is a start and there are signs that hope within him is alive. He knows eventually I'm going to want more, he's just afraid that once I get to that point, he may not be. He has told me the reason why he feels like he does in relationships. He also told me he was trying his hardest to not to fall for me, but in the end, sometimes we have no control over what our heart does.

I wasn't trying to fall for him either, as myself have been pretty guarded when it comes to even getting to anything close to a relationship. Especially one on this level. Nobody wants to feel heartbreak.

He told me he won't always be like this, its silly because he actually wishes he was an INFJ, he WANTS to feel.

As also stated, the things he said he felt guilty about are things I've been aware of, but at the end of the day, no relationship is perfect, we're all going to have our flaws in some form or another. These things do not compare the issues I have had in past relationships and I could deal with those. I am happy, honestly happy.

He challenges my mind and how I view things, I've become much more open-minded in a lot of aspects, I've also grown to be more patient.

He doesn't want to end things for his sake, but if I am as content as I say I am, these are things I'm willing to live with and just overall be patient when it comes to his needs. We are the givers and I never give expecting something in return.


I really am greatful for all your wonderful imput, it has made me think!
Isbella, did you ever run into issues in your relationship at the start? What has your experience in the beginning been like?

 

[Nixie]

Yea, well at 26 he may still be working on developing his tertiary Fi (innie feelz). While you have that dominant Fe (outie feelz). So it does make sense he feels hesitant and unsure of himself (can't figure out he feelz) and you are content with things the way they are (smooth feelz on the group dynamics).

It sounds like you have things in perspective. Maybe just remember that his wrangling with how he sees the relationship and stuff isn't about you, it is a function of how he emotes and that he has to come to internal grips his own way.

Also that his Fe is really underdeveloped but his Te is really good, so teach him how you appreciate him expressing affection to you and learn to see how he expresses it using his Te.

 

[Dohavior]

Haha 7 hours being gamed by an INTJ, new hiscore! I usually want to choke them out after the first 7 minutes. That kind of perseverance is what I admire about INFJ. As my INFJ buddy used to say "be the change you want to see in the world, do it and do it NOW!" Ain't that the truth right there, never knew what it meant until I met an INTJ. They are all talk and empty promises.

"He seemed more distant than normal and seemed as if he was trying to blow me off."

INTJ they just love ignoring things, all kinds of stuff, people, places, events, happenings. Basically pronouns are too theoretical for them to comprehend, everything has to be nailed down to specifics.

Blowing you off for New Years plans? I wouldn't take it personal they can be very superstitious. Find a lot of them in secular religions and other baseless group thinks.

Superstitious:
"~ We're both 26
~ This is also both our 3rd "serious" relationship"

"We really don't fight, at all." <-- is this the core of your "stronger connection than either imagine"

If your opinion is not valued then there would be no fight as well. Couples grow closer together because of over coming conflicts, but is the conflict he has presented to you real?

INTJ don't get angry they get even. INFJ have a deficit in recognizing anger. If one looks to appease others or avoid conflict then one will never see the face of anger to know its form.

MBTI has shown 2 things to me Fi + Fe never agree, and the INFJ anima which is ESTP creates paranoia for INFJ and vice versa. These two principles hold true time and time again.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

Hello

No we didn’t run into any issues – it was smooth sailing all the way - NOT! No relationship is perfect and ours was no different. Looooooong story so will put in bullet format so as to make things easier to read (and to help me to be concise):

• INTJ and I struck up an instant rapport and intense friendship at Uni. For the first 2.5 months I was blindly naïve (hard to believe now with my sharpened intuitive gift) and I failed to pick up on the signs that he liked me more than just the “good friends” that we were (playfully rugby tackling me and then proceeding to throw me into a shrub being a couple of examples!). Friends commented on his likeable behaviour towards me, so I confronted him about it (like a true INFJ who needs to clear the air before being able to move on), he denied it (thinking about it now as I was actually already in a relationship), I gullibly accepted what he had to say, dismissed what others thought and jubilantly carried on as normal.

• An event with my ex made me wake up and my INTJ was the only one I wanted to talk to about the whole experience as I really valued his opinion etc. I did think it was odd that INTJ was cross-examining me about my feelings for ex and I couldn’t work out why he was acting odd and intense (duh!!).

• I got INTJ to approve a letter (that’s how much I esteemed him) I wrote to my ex (in order to bring closure). It was soon after this, he said, “What if I said that I had lied to you about having feelings for you”…….and there began the issues!

• It was a role reversal in our case – I was the one pushing INTJ away and wanting my own space. This was purely out of fear of emotional intimacy (I didn’t realise at the time). My INTJ was the first one to crack me open to the core (and I was petrified!). I had a lot of baggage so the biggest issue was ME!

• I severed the relationship and said I just wanted to be friends (but on some unconscious level, I was strategising about how I could maintain the friendship but keep myself guarded at the same time). The dynamics of our conversations had progressively moved from philosophical to deeply personal areas so it got more difficult for me to engage without getting intensely involved on an emotional level. INTJ was quick to spot my attempts at sabotaging his efforts! (These INTJ’s are smart with their sarcastic sense of humour that’s measured and refined with an essence of truth that jars you to THINK!) It hit the spot for me!

• The real breakthrough came when I courageously decided to take a risk with INTJ and made a commitment to being in a relationship and then the rollercoaster of a journey began.

• INTJ was just incredible – he didn’t put any pressure on me even with my schizoid behaviours which surfaced in a big way. My very independent and strong willed nature could have been quite destructive but INTJ was able to counter act this by being so supportive, he respected my boundaries, was very endearingly affectionate, genuine, incredibly patient (so patient that “he is almost horizontal!”) and resilient etc. INTJ didn’t give up - honestly, it took years and he stayed for the long haul and it worked.

• I didn’t have any expectations about where the relationship was heading so that freed us up to just enjoy being with each other and allowing the relationship to run its course in any direction it took us.

• When there are no expectations it allows for spontaneous things to occur in a very natural and real way. Keeping the communication channel open and honest allows you to safely share those experiences and this increases the emotional and heart connection which then allows for those courageous risks to be taken by either party – but if this doesn’t occur throughout the relationship, then it’s time to walk away and move on.


I hope the above helps in some way and if you have any more questions, I’m more than happy to respond.

 

[SailorNicki]

Nixie - I really appreciate your response, it gives me something to think about especially how I try to act around him. I think that will be the most telling thing about our relationship, teaching each other how we express ourselves in different situations. The hardest part for me is to not read too much into things, especially when he's more distant..I can tell he is trying to be more "sensitive" towards how I handle things in general and I being more understanding towards him..it's helping but it would be a lie to say it was easy.

Dohavior - For what you said, I'm glad to hear some negative parts of this kind of relationship, but, I cannot say that would be true for all INTJs. The guy I'm with now has so far not lied to me, if he has done something wrong, he tells me, if he has something to say no matter how forward it might be, he says it. I'm not going to spill his business here as to why he's become how he is, but I do think that the conflict is very real. So far I have not seen any real red flags, at least not in my eyes and yes, he's told me things that you just don't tell to other people for the simple fact that...well, it would scare a lot of people away. I am not trying to be biased, but I've been a good read on people before. On the note of saying its both our 3rd real relationship, I didn't mean it as "3rd times a charm" was just stating our past experience in relationships before, as those are what curve our mindset going forth into a new relationship.

Isabella - Thank you so much for your great insight with your relationship! Grant it, we didn't go through the whole months of "friendship stage" but I get where you are coming from. I had started liking him but was unsure of where his mind was on the situation. I of course let him make the first moves, as you know that us INFJs do not initiate anything haha.
I sometimes feel that it might not even be him that will ruin the relationship, I am patient, but to an extent.

I tend to over analyze certain situations. As I had stated before, we don't get to see each other often. Maybe once a week to once every 2 weeks. Normally on my days off, and it's nice. He also stated that this is his first non-long distant relationship he has had. He was so used to seeing the past 2 girlfriends he did have once every 6 months. My past 2 relationships I can relate to that aswell. My ex was long-distance and the one before that was in the Navy with me so we suffered through deployments. I think we're also both learning how to deal with a close distance relationship so we might expect different things.

There was an instance that he wanted to cancel our plans to see each other because he woke up feeling under the weather, I was a bit bummed, but I told him I wanted to bring him soup and make sure he was feeling okay and just take care of him. Its the one thing he says that he does admire about me, how nurturing I am and my perseverance.

On another note, Isabella, did you have any insecurities or issues when your husband was rather cold/distant? If you did, how did you overcome them? or deal with them?

 

[Deleted member 10171]

• I once heard INTJ's being described as a "hedgehog with a soft underbelly." I can see why they come off as being cold/distant but I don’t see my husband as such purely because I KNOW him.

• He is completely different when he is with me - we are like two kids in a candy store. With complete strangers he goes into this automatic default setting which often comes across as standoffish (but isn’t this the case with introverts?). With friends he is impeccably well mannered and sarcastic. Husband is virtually void of Fe when he’s around his family but has definitely become more expressive over the years.

• I do remember one incident (early stages of our relationship while staying over at his parents) we were all playing monopoly and I ended up winning. I celebrated like a champion in true INFJ Fe style (blissfully happy and expressive but not at all crude) which wasn’t received very well by his father. My INTJ (in private) said something about my conduct and the next 2.5hrs the conversation got intense! I remember looking at him and thinking, “WHO ARE YOU?" It felt as though he had morphed into his father and I had suddenly lost the person I had fallen in love with.

• Initially, I put it down to "meeting the parents" phase but I noticed that this aloofness always surfaced whenever we went to visit his parents. This cycle is no longer an issue! Long story - I started a thread on this forum titled, “SUCCESS, I SURVIVED…” I'll elaborate more on this thread soon.

• In all honesty, I’m the one that is often cold/distant. When husbands work pattern is all over the place or he’s focused on projects and it feels like we’re just ships that pass in the night - I tend to go into one of my grumpy INFJ moods ie become non-communicative, withdraw, stubborn, abrupt (feel free to fill in the gaps here). INTJ husband recognises the symptoms and becomes very attentive, tactile, and gentle, makes suggestions to go for a walk together have dinner etc – basically spend “quality time” which brings the connection and almost instantaneously I’m happy as Larry and reenergised again. If you haven't read "Gary Chapman’s Love Language” you may find this helpful.

• When we do have disagreements (I'm the firecracker while INTJ is cool, calm and collected) and husband is not forthcoming with his thoughts, I occasionally become irritated with his lack of reaction but that's more about me then him. I’m just eager to move on with our dialogue but often it has to end abruptly because I’ve overloaded his brain with too many variables. Patience is not one of my gifts! However, it is a great partnership because when we do reconnect we make huge progress. I certainly do not ever want him to be like me! Urgh! One INFJ in the relationship is enough!

A few ways I coped and observations made (in no particular order):

* Being RECEPTIVE to each other is the key to keeping our relationship strong and challenging. Willingness to listen to each other, show respect, being humble to admit when you’ve got it wrong, engage with each others ideas even when you don’t agree with them, not blaming or labelling etc.

* I trust my intuitive ability to discern situations and then think carefully about when to share those observations.

* I try to not get pulled into taking things personally. I use the time instead to self-reflect, identify what the real issues are, see if I can get some valuable insight that may help the situation and then share it.

* Keep asking those profound questions (challenge when it’s appropriate) but with sensitivity so it encourages INTJ to think and together we're able to move forward.

* I also honour my husbands independence to think through things for himself and trust that he will come back to me when he is ready to talk.

* I can’t say enough about COMMUNICATION – easy when things are going well but do more of it when it’s uncomfortable and painful.

* I never avoid talking about difficult subjects with husband – initiate the conversation (pick the right moment), it gets easier with time.

* Self-preservation is instrumental and respecting each others space to move forward at their own pace is crucial.

* In the past 15 years the longest time we’ve ever been apart for is 5 months! I absolutely love being around my INTJ but I also enjoy my personal space so take regular time out for me, myself and I.

* Have a healthy respect for your MBTI differences – what can we learn from each other?

* Don’t misconstrue INTJ’s cold/distant/silent behaviour as uncaring. Understand that they place more emphasis on hard facts, working things out in their head, that they are rational, in a logical place processing data and simply see emotions as something that just gets in the way.

* INFJ's are very good at anticipating the needs of others and often we have to communicate our needs explicitly (which can be hard to do but it becomes easier over time). I used to struggle with asking for support and I’ve learnt not to expect INTJ to just read my mind – so now if I need a hug, I simply ask for one.
* I have a strong faith so connecting with God when I feel low helps enormously and consequently not looking to my husband to fix me.

I hope some of this helps and if I think of anything else, I will let you know.
Hope all is well with you and your INTJ.

 

[SailorNicki]

Its been awhile, but here's an update:

The update I was going to make originally was a very positive one. My relationship was going in the right direction, we had sweet Valentines day plans and my INTJ was learning to feel.

Through the month I had notice him changing, he was becoming much warmer, more compassionate, overall more loving and understanding, however, he expressed to me that he had started to fall in love with me, for real. That the feelings he had developed for me have not been this strong since his first love (The one that caused him massive heartbreak). I was overcome with joy that he was telling me this, what girl doesn't want to hear that about somebody they love just the same? Except, in his eyes, true love is a bad thing, in his mind, you lose control over yourself, your thoughts, how you react. Not sure if its an INTJ thing to want to be that control over your own person, but I tried to understand it, but in the end, I'm still having a hard time grasping this.

I was upset, I told him I wanted him to love me, he looked at me, hurt, confused and said "I love you the way I love you, but yet its not enough." He told me he would try to control the fact that he was falling in love with me. That he would take care of it.

We started spending more time on skype together, falling asleep that way, the last night we spoke on skype as we fell asleep, he told me how special I was to him. The next day he would not have internet and would be stuck moving all day. Then Sunday, he was moving and then had a wedding to work.

Monday came and I was happy to message him when I saw he was online. I immediately got that sinking feeling in my stomach that something was terribly wrong. His words, saying the past few days without me, he had missed me a lot, made him realize how close we already were and basically how it just seemed as we were meant to be together. He said that was the problem, that he fell for me, loves me too much to stay with me right now. That "this" love is changing him and consequently our relationship that we have. He kept saying he didn't want to keep hurting me, but he wasn't hurting me. Our relationship wasn't even suffering, we were growing an even stronger bond and he finally felt something real and now he runs.

I tried to plea with him, how can somebody walk away from something that makes them happy, makes them feel whole? I know love is a scary thing, but I hate the fact that I have no control over this. Do I just give him time? Space? Is there any way that I can show him love is not a bad thing? If so how? I really don't want to lose him, though, he always told me that if things did not work out at this time, he would pursue me in the future, I don't want to think about that... I want to know what I can do now, if I can do anything at all.

 

[Rift Zone]

Hello.

Ya, things can get pretty intense when INTJs and INFJs fall for another. I have personal experience with that one. I don't know what's going on with him but this is a problem you need to work with logic. He loves you, from what I gather, and he's talking himself out of it somehow -through some logic pathway. You need to dig in and find the problem.

"What's wrong with staying together now?"
What's wrong with the changes love brings?

Are the types of questions that will get you closer to the real issue. Hell, ask him what the real issue is with being together right now, he might know. He'll almost certainly tell you if he does.

This isn't a love issue for him, this is a logistical issue of some sort. -he sees something that has association with loving you which doesn't sit quite right with him. Figure out what that is and address it, you two should be fine.

 

[SailorNicki]

Well, we had a brief conversation yesterday and one of the last things I asked him was "Why are you so afraid to feel something..." and you're right, he told me.

After his first breakup, his first love, mind you was back when he was like 18-21, he said he changed. He became where he was more focused on his career goals. From what I gather, the issue with what love brings is the fact that you cannot control it, it changes how you think, how you feel. He said he can't have that happen, not right now. Not to mention, he had made it clear that instead of maturing, he was going backwards with the feeling that love brings. I really don't know how I can make him feel that love isn't a bad thing, but obviously I did all I could while we were together, that was working. He was changing. I'm afraid to ask anymore questions. He told me he already regrets doing this, but in his eyes, in his mind, this has to be done if we were going to be together 'forever.'

He did say something when he was telling me about what he views love and attachment... He was afraid that his expectations would change, that he would change how he is towards me, that he would become jealous (he had a jealousy issue with his first relationship, a main reason why it ended). All he kept saying is he didn't want to hurt me. I'm afraid if I ask more questions or try to pry more then I will just push him further away, I do not want to do that. I do not want to risk that.

I'll only message him if I have some solid plan of questions to ask or something to say, I know there are no magic words to fix this, but I hate being told to just wait. my friends told me, give it time, he has to miss me first. It's been 2 days and this feels like pure hell to me. He said he hasn't felt this bad since his first break up, but he felt that he could control that pain more now. I just want to make him see that there's no reason to run, I think he's afraid of being who he once was and that I will leave him, like his first love did. Therefor he's afraid of having his heart broken again.

I'm afraid to love too, but who isn't? When it was fight or flight, I chose to fight, though there were times where I thought about pushing him away.

 

[Rift Zone]

Near as I can tell, if there is a type who can feel more deeply than INFJs it would be INTJs. I wouldn't say all INTJs are programmed to feel and not all pay attention to feelings but it can be incredibly intense when we do feel. I gather he's scared about something that he sees in himself, getting too caught up with you or something, and slacking on important things because of it. You could try to argue that shying away from love isn't exactly an act of maturity, learning how to deal with feelings and life at the same time is. -and you'll be there help him move forward on all accounts. Ask him what he need to achieve before being together is cool. I'm under the impression he's being irrational about this whole situation somewhere along the line. If you identify that irrationality and point it out to him you'll get your man.

 

[SailorNicki]

I don't question or doubt that the love he feels for me is real. He says he wants to be with me but he thinks deep down now is not the time. He always said he would try the relationship but he thought that right now was never the time...but I was still willing, wanting to try.

He did say:
I haven't asked you to wait, but I thought a little hope would help cope with this whole experience.

He kept telling me that his mind was made up and it wasn't going to change, that's why I want to be careful how I say anything, I don't want to come off as the one desperate, although, I want to fight for something I feel strongly about. He told me things that he's never told another living person, and vice versa. A relationship where each party can be 100% themselves. I do not know if I believe in soulmates, but if there were such a thing, I could see him being that. I know there is never such thing as a perfect relationship, but ours was. Now it's I do what you say, run the risk of pushing him further away, waiting, which may or may not prove useful. I want him to realize he is the one that is wrong for doing this, but my thinking isn't the most rational right now.

I really appreciate your help so far, I just don't know how to go about doing this without pushing him further away. I've said so much already, trying to get him to change his mind.

 

[Rift Zone]

His mind is made up and is not going to change because whatever logic he's applying to the situation seems sound to him. I still maintain he's being irrational about the situation and if you can make him see it you're separation will be short lived.

You're not going to help your situation with emotional appeals.

You're not going help the situation by covering the same old ground.

I don't think there's any harm in talking about your situation so long as you're covering new ground and approach it as a learning experience. You're talking about an INTJ here, there's nothing we enjoy more than picking apart and analyzing facets of reality. Make the topic of discussion about what he needs to accomplish. Tell him you're okay with what's going on, you just want to understand it. Tell him you want him to accomplish his personal goals then ask if there's anything you could do to facilitate them. You could open up a lot of discussion taking that approach. Also, you can make this separation empowering to the relationship if you show you're onboard with the premise and that you're still there to make it work.

His fear lies in his traits. You have access. You can potentially figure out what's going on with him and quell his fears. -working with the info I have about the situation, I'm certain of this.