Hello everyone.
It is my first time and post here, so thank you for bearing with me.
Brace yourselves, because this will be too long of a story. I really wish however to see other peoples opinions about it, without judging me (and my poor writing).
Since September, I (INFJ female, as much as I hate it and as much as I believe that my life would be so so so much easier if I was not one. But hey, at lease I am not crazy. I am just an INFJ) moved from my country to another country and have started working in another company. While working there, I met new people, among them people from different departments in the company, with whom we ended up having lunch together multiple times (almost everyday) and became somewhat close (still not to the point of hanging outside of work, becoming friends, or things like that). Between these people, was also one guy from one of the company's other departments, three years older than me (let us name him V). Some more info about him which I learnt were, that he lives with his parents and builts his house at the same time, that he has a married brother with a kid and that he has a dog (who he has as a lockscreen on his phone and is very cute), that he is three years in the company, and nothing about replationships or whatsoever.
Around the time of after two-three months and getting to know him better, I came to the realization (after denying it so many times to myself and trying to get away from it or around it) that I kind of like him. At first, do not get me wrong, but I didn't even remember his name. But as the time passed, and we got to know each other, I felt that I fell in love for the first time. Relationships, I had some of those in the past, but they were more like self-enforcement (forcing to be with someone, for stupid reasons, such as the person liking me but me not liking them back, which always ended up in something toxic). But this time, it was different. I felt a connection, which I cannot explain. The questions he asked about me, his kindness. Everything seemed so different.
I told everything about how I felt to my sister (who is two years older than me). She doesn't know V, but she didn't want us together. We didn't 'match' according to her. At that time, I think she was jealous or protective. She asked me about him these days, but didn't seem to have the same opinion anymore, but more of an indifference. A friend of mine, however, was supportive of me.
I tend to overthink and when I fall in love, I tend to sometimes overreact. I found grounded (of course) excuses to send him texts. Not too many texts. At first it was going well. But one day, he was not answering my texts (he was busy, which is totally understandable). But my self at that time was stupid, and I texted him telling him exactly that 'I have a feeling that there are specific reasons as to why you are not replying. I just wanted to say that I am just asking for information, I am not hitting on you or anything and I am just trying to integrate here and in the country's culture as well [..].', in which he replyed 'Hey, no worries at all, I completely understand...[...].'
I knew at this point that I messed up. And I still think about it. Whichever tries to message him afterwards, were answered with short replies or just ghosting. But from up close, he would talk on the table with everyone when we had lunch, that he saw my messages and answer me about them in front of everyone. I was thinking that he did it, to prove a point that what we are talking about in messages is not anything more than just simple co-workers messages and not something secret between us.
Another time, in one try to correct my stupid self, I had asked him to take the train together if he wanted(we both take the train to and from work), but he replied that he was always leaving work earlier than me.
Another time, in another attempt, he was not looking well, so I asked him about it. He answered that he knows 'how to distinguish work from home'.
I felt frustrated, then that I didn't care. But deeply inside, I knew. He was different. It wasn't just a crush which could pass. I was thinking about him constantly. Senarios were playing in my head. I didn't even know if he had a girlfriend (after 9 months I still do not know. Nothing had been said by his side) or if he likes someone. I couldn't bring myself to ask and look like a gossiper.
From time to time, I found that not going for lunch with the guys (thus not seeing him) helped me a lot. Sometimes it passed. Sometimes it was still coming in waves. My heart beating, just seeing him. My pulse stuck on my throat when I hear and distinguish his voice. But all this process, of not knowing, of feeling like this, made me exhausted. I was tired. I was tired of thinking about him, of daydreaming, of writing poems about him, while I could have just used my time to do something useful. I was afraid maybe, in the end, of what I felt. Maybe because I still didn't know him very well. And rejection was and is something teryffying.
When spring came, I started feeling better. Before spring, I was suffocating. I was crying from time to time (as much as embarrasing this sounds). I was confused, troubled, it didn't get anywhere, everywhere there was a wall blocking an exit.
Now that summer is here, all these feeling, this thing on my throat is coming back. I avoided him this week. I will do so the next one. I want to feel well with myself. I don't want to compare myself to others. I do not know what to do. I do not want to tell him how I feel, I don't know if I am yet ready. I am afraid of rejection or being too hasty and quick. I am thinking that maybe he needs time too. I was giving him mixed signals. He did the same. My gut tells me to wait (I always trust and listen to my gut. When I don't, like the time with that text, I always end up regretting it). And then, we might not be in the same departments, but we are still in the same company. I don't want things to get awkward for us. But whatever happens, I want to know at least where he is at, what he is doing in his life, learn about his achievements, feel happy about him.
It is so strange and difficult.
How has a total stranger become a special person to me?
So, after this long, written very badly essay, what would you do in my place? I have never admitted straightforward my feelings to anyone (neither in my past relationships). I just worked always around it, tried to show it in other ways.I was trying as well in this case, but it doesn't seem to work.
Then I think, that he just doesn't feel the same way. But why is he so kind? Why is he asking me if my co-workers treat me well in my department? Why is he asking thinga about me when we are alone? Why does he seem a little bothered everytime I tease the other guys and seems indifferent(scrolling through his phone)? Why when another colleague of his was teasing me and asked me if I have a boyfriend, he looked bothered as well?
It pains me. And I feel lost. In my head and in my feelings. Writing helps me. But until when?
What would you advise or do?
Thank you.
It is my first time and post here, so thank you for bearing with me.
Brace yourselves, because this will be too long of a story. I really wish however to see other peoples opinions about it, without judging me (and my poor writing).
Since September, I (INFJ female, as much as I hate it and as much as I believe that my life would be so so so much easier if I was not one. But hey, at lease I am not crazy. I am just an INFJ) moved from my country to another country and have started working in another company. While working there, I met new people, among them people from different departments in the company, with whom we ended up having lunch together multiple times (almost everyday) and became somewhat close (still not to the point of hanging outside of work, becoming friends, or things like that). Between these people, was also one guy from one of the company's other departments, three years older than me (let us name him V). Some more info about him which I learnt were, that he lives with his parents and builts his house at the same time, that he has a married brother with a kid and that he has a dog (who he has as a lockscreen on his phone and is very cute), that he is three years in the company, and nothing about replationships or whatsoever.
Around the time of after two-three months and getting to know him better, I came to the realization (after denying it so many times to myself and trying to get away from it or around it) that I kind of like him. At first, do not get me wrong, but I didn't even remember his name. But as the time passed, and we got to know each other, I felt that I fell in love for the first time. Relationships, I had some of those in the past, but they were more like self-enforcement (forcing to be with someone, for stupid reasons, such as the person liking me but me not liking them back, which always ended up in something toxic). But this time, it was different. I felt a connection, which I cannot explain. The questions he asked about me, his kindness. Everything seemed so different.
I told everything about how I felt to my sister (who is two years older than me). She doesn't know V, but she didn't want us together. We didn't 'match' according to her. At that time, I think she was jealous or protective. She asked me about him these days, but didn't seem to have the same opinion anymore, but more of an indifference. A friend of mine, however, was supportive of me.
I tend to overthink and when I fall in love, I tend to sometimes overreact. I found grounded (of course) excuses to send him texts. Not too many texts. At first it was going well. But one day, he was not answering my texts (he was busy, which is totally understandable). But my self at that time was stupid, and I texted him telling him exactly that 'I have a feeling that there are specific reasons as to why you are not replying. I just wanted to say that I am just asking for information, I am not hitting on you or anything and I am just trying to integrate here and in the country's culture as well [..].', in which he replyed 'Hey, no worries at all, I completely understand...[...].'
I knew at this point that I messed up. And I still think about it. Whichever tries to message him afterwards, were answered with short replies or just ghosting. But from up close, he would talk on the table with everyone when we had lunch, that he saw my messages and answer me about them in front of everyone. I was thinking that he did it, to prove a point that what we are talking about in messages is not anything more than just simple co-workers messages and not something secret between us.
Another time, in one try to correct my stupid self, I had asked him to take the train together if he wanted(we both take the train to and from work), but he replied that he was always leaving work earlier than me.
Another time, in another attempt, he was not looking well, so I asked him about it. He answered that he knows 'how to distinguish work from home'.
I felt frustrated, then that I didn't care. But deeply inside, I knew. He was different. It wasn't just a crush which could pass. I was thinking about him constantly. Senarios were playing in my head. I didn't even know if he had a girlfriend (after 9 months I still do not know. Nothing had been said by his side) or if he likes someone. I couldn't bring myself to ask and look like a gossiper.
From time to time, I found that not going for lunch with the guys (thus not seeing him) helped me a lot. Sometimes it passed. Sometimes it was still coming in waves. My heart beating, just seeing him. My pulse stuck on my throat when I hear and distinguish his voice. But all this process, of not knowing, of feeling like this, made me exhausted. I was tired. I was tired of thinking about him, of daydreaming, of writing poems about him, while I could have just used my time to do something useful. I was afraid maybe, in the end, of what I felt. Maybe because I still didn't know him very well. And rejection was and is something teryffying.
When spring came, I started feeling better. Before spring, I was suffocating. I was crying from time to time (as much as embarrasing this sounds). I was confused, troubled, it didn't get anywhere, everywhere there was a wall blocking an exit.
Now that summer is here, all these feeling, this thing on my throat is coming back. I avoided him this week. I will do so the next one. I want to feel well with myself. I don't want to compare myself to others. I do not know what to do. I do not want to tell him how I feel, I don't know if I am yet ready. I am afraid of rejection or being too hasty and quick. I am thinking that maybe he needs time too. I was giving him mixed signals. He did the same. My gut tells me to wait (I always trust and listen to my gut. When I don't, like the time with that text, I always end up regretting it). And then, we might not be in the same departments, but we are still in the same company. I don't want things to get awkward for us. But whatever happens, I want to know at least where he is at, what he is doing in his life, learn about his achievements, feel happy about him.
It is so strange and difficult.
How has a total stranger become a special person to me?
So, after this long, written very badly essay, what would you do in my place? I have never admitted straightforward my feelings to anyone (neither in my past relationships). I just worked always around it, tried to show it in other ways.I was trying as well in this case, but it doesn't seem to work.
Then I think, that he just doesn't feel the same way. But why is he so kind? Why is he asking me if my co-workers treat me well in my department? Why is he asking thinga about me when we are alone? Why does he seem a little bothered everytime I tease the other guys and seems indifferent(scrolling through his phone)? Why when another colleague of his was teasing me and asked me if I have a boyfriend, he looked bothered as well?
It pains me. And I feel lost. In my head and in my feelings. Writing helps me. But until when?
What would you advise or do?
Thank you.
