[INFJ] - INFJ broke up with me [ENFP]. Please help!! | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] INFJ broke up with me [ENFP]. Please help!!

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by ENFP Lover, Oct 18, 2022.

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  1. ENFP Lover

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    My [ENFP] boyfriend [INFJ] broke up with me because I exhausted him. Should I do no contact or should I continue to show him I care and am willing to work things out?



    We dated for almost 2 years. I met him through mutual friends when he was visiting a city I was living in for a few days. I knew he was interested in me but he was super shy towards me at first so I approached him. We hung out a couple times alone during his visit and we instantly clicked. My intuitions told me that he is someone I’m compatible with. His intuition told him the same thing. After his trip ended, he came back in the following month and visited me a couple times even though where I lived was 1200km away. He was so passionate and wasn’t afraid to be himself around me, and I was the same towards him. After 3 months of visiting each other and talking every day, he decided to make things official between us. Everything was great, we were super happy to have found each other. We have similar values and goals in life.

    7 months into our relationship, I lost my job in that city and I decided to move to his city to be with him. We spent every day together during that time. 10 months into our relationship was when things started going downhill. We started fighting a lot more and couldn’t seem to agree on much. I have a fearfully avoidant attachment style and I have a tendency to run away from my emotions. I started not reciprocating the love he was showing me. He would try every day to make me happy with the little things that he does, he was super patient with me when I got upset. As time went on, he kept loving me the same way but I didn’t always reciprocate the love to him. He voiced his frustrations of not feeling appreciated and loved enough by me multiple times throughout that dark period in our relationship but I was too stuck in my head to take it seriously. During this time, I was still unemployed so I eventually moved back to my home town, 300km away from where he lives. He was supportive of my decision and came to visit me frequently. We’d text every day and he would tell me things that he loved about me to reassure me. I wasn’t reciprocating consistently, I kept pushing him away and eventually he broke up with me.

    The break up was amicable and respectful. He was honest about his feelings and what led to it. He felt that he wasn’t being understood because I wasn’t reciprocating the love he gave me enough. He told me he’s exhausted from giving me so much but not receiving the same amount back. He felt the relationship was unbalanced. At the time of the break up, he said he still loves me very much though he said that we should keep our contact to the minimum. A few days after the break up, he reached out and told me he missed me. During the , I went through a deep phase of self reflection and I realized that I was the reason it happened. I pushed him to that point because I was afraid of being vulnerable. After coming to the realization that my walls were built up too high, I tried to reconcile things with him. I drove to his city to speak with him in person and I owned up to all my mistakes and apologized for everything I did that hurt him. I told him I regret having let that happen. My issue is vulnerability and I will work on myself to be more vulnerable.

    He was understanding and forgave me for my mistakes, but he said that he’s too emotionally drained to continue the relationship at this time and he needed to recharge his battery. He realized he started becoming impatient with me during times of conflict. At first I tried to reassure him by offering to help him do that but he said he can’t right now. He said that he is open to trying again in the future. There are things we both need to work on for ourselves at the moment but he’s not eliminating the chance of us crossing paths again. He said he’s open to continue talking to me but I’ve seen so many break up advice that advocates for the “no contact rule”.

    I’m wondering what’s the best course of action for me if I want him back? We both have space to work on ourselves because we are living in separate cities at the moment so the chances of us running into each other is quite low. The only way for us to stay in contact would be through text messages. Should I stay in contact with him? And if I do, how would I go about showing him that I’ve been working on myself?

    I would love to hear from INFJs on how you would like me to approach this if you were in his position. Thank you!
     
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  2. Wyote

    Wyote Meka Istaqa
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    If an infj is drained and says they need time directly, then you have to take that very seriously.
    Don't listen to internet/magazine/others advice, whatever your own circumstance seems to call for just go by that.
    He said he doesn't want to lose contact, but he also doesn't want any kind of added pressure so just keep the line open and let him figure it out.
    He probably wants to see that what you claim you figured out about yourself is actually true.
     
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  3. OP
    ENFP Lover

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    What does it mean to keep the line open? How do I show him that I’m figuring it out and not adding pressure on him? Would it be okay to initiate casual conversations?
     
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  4. Wyote

    Wyote Meka Istaqa
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    These are questions you'll have to ask him
    By "keep the line open" I just mean be available and open to continuing conversations
     
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  5. slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    Along the lines of what @Wyote is saying, instead of guessing you should initiate a conversation with your ex about all of this directly to establish what his boundaries are.
     
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