[INFJ] - INFJ boyfriend's silent treatment makes girlfriend consider ending it... | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] INFJ boyfriend's silent treatment makes girlfriend consider ending it...

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by kotachi, Oct 24, 2015.

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  1. kotachi

    kotachi Newbie

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    The Silent Treatment.

    My (very infj) partner consistently uses this as a way of dealing with anger (towards me). Every time I try to explain why this is so hurtful to our relationship he blows up and gets even more angry...extending the silent treatment...(and mostly refusing to elaborate why he is angry because I "should just know").

    Almost always he does it as a sort of “game”. He won’t admit to doing anything, until I capitulate enough and apologize (and 70% of the time I don't even know what I am apologizing for!!) and he says “Well I am happy you have noticed that I am acting differently …”..it is infuriating…I am 25 and he is 30..

    This time it's been about a month of silent treatment/passive aggressiveness/coldness/"I need time.to cool off" because he feels I am selfish(?)..but again refuses to tell me why and talk to me about it so I can work.on whatever it is that has him so angry. I threatened to break up with him if he kept acting this way previously which just extended my "punishment..." He says that I "make him angry a lot" and that he loves me "except when i make him angry" which seems to be pretty frequently.

    In general I notice he seems to have issues with anger (for a while I couldn't go to restaurants with him because he would get EXTREMELY angry at waiters and waitresses for no reason, it was so embarrassing..) Whenever we argue, he makes me feel like nothing I say matters. His way or the highway and he never apologizes to me ever. I'm always the one who has to make amends.

    Mostly posting here to vent but any thoughts? I thought I loved him but I really can't take this anymore. I don't feel like I deserve this type of treatment although obvs. he thinks otherwise. It is really torturous and hurtful, and makes me feel like I am being controlled. Maybe I am so annoying and terrible? I would never treat him like this. it makes me feel like I should break up.

    He sees nothing wrong with this behavior and tells me that by me telling him not to do it, I am "not allowing him to be angry", and that "If he wanted space for one whole month I should be prepared to give it to him"...so..
     
  2. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition THANKS RUG

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    I am really sorry to have to tell you this but your boyfriend is actually emotionally manipulating you. My God, this is so similar to a situation that I went through. Not that I know all the details of your relationship, but a lot of this is just so abusive I don't know where to begin.

    At no point is it acceptable to blame someone for making them angry all of the time, refusing to address the source of the anger and then punish the person for not knowing why they made someone angry.

    It is not an exaggeration to say that this is torturous and hurtful. He is purposely being torturous and hurtful and you absolutely do NOT need to put up with this toxicity. Especially from a 30 year old adult who obviously has communication issues and doesn't respect you enough to constructively work things out.

    Leave the relationship before this person destroys you from the inside out.
     
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  3. Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    I agree that he is manipulating you. He needs help dealing with his anger and communication issues. Your relationship won't last long unless this changes.
     
  4. OP
    kotachi

    kotachi Newbie

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    thanks you guys.

    what is the most heartbreaking about this is that I spent a significant amount of time, money, and energy to visit him halfway across the world recently. leaving me broke. i also spent a huge amount of time and energy trying to make him the perfect birthday present to mail. and he does this.

    (my cat also died during this month of "punishment" and he did not even say anything to me about it.)



    I haven't talked to him, but I deleted him from Skype and blocked him from Facebook, and changed my status. I don't even want to have the break up conversation with him, mostly because I just feel like it's going to end up with him using his Fe manipulation to make me feel like he never cared about me or the relationship ever in the first place..or something, I don't even know.. I feel like a bad person because I am never the type of person to not talk about ending something, but I am afraid not for his feelings but for what he is going to say to me if I were to talk to him.

    Is that really bad? I just can't bring myself to have this conversation with him because I just know it's going to end up with him lashing out at my weak spots. I just feel it, that it is going to be really bad for me, to talk to him.. after this month I can't trust him anymore. I feel like I don't even know him. I would never do this to someone who I claimed to love..
     
  5. OP
    kotachi

    kotachi Newbie

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    I guess what I'm asking if it makes me a terrible person to just block him everywhere and end the relationship that way. at this point I don't even want to tell him I'm "leaving". Seriously I am NEVER The type of person to do this, to just disappear and ghost on someone who I have a real relationship of any sort with.

    but I have this gut feeling that talking to him now is a bad idea and he is going to say something terrible that he knows will hurt me. I just need to end it and never speak to him again. and I've never had this feeling before in previous relationships.
     
  6. courteouskitten

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    I honestly don't think anyone deserves to be treated like that.

    If someone has an issue with something I did, it is only fair that they at least tell me what they think I did wrong. Sure, this can be done tactfully or bluntly (tactfully is much better), but it bothers me to no end when someone is upset at me for something I did and they won't even tell me what is the matter. (My 16-year-old brother is quite skilled at using this tactic to try to annoy me, unfortunately.) I may not enjoy hearing what they think, but it is better than the silent treatment. While different people are satisfied with different amounts of communication, communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

    I would question, however, the idea of blocking him everywhere, leaving it completely hanging, but without providing an explanation. If you feel you need to break up with him, then do so; but just as you deserve to have him communicate fairly in the relationship, he deserves to know why you are leaving him. (Be warned, however, if you come across as "I'm leaving you because of this issue, but if you pull yourself together I might be back", he may hold onto that hope. He might hold onto it even if you don't come across that way. We INFJs can have a hard time letting go sometimes.)

    Also, as a cat lover, I am genuinely sorry about your cat, and not just because of my username.
     
  7. Sriracha

    Sriracha Not here.
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    Dump him already, don't just fade away ... tell him you no longer want to see him or have contact. End of story. (If he says anything that you think might hurt you, tell him to grow a pair.)

    Sorry, I really am this blunt. :)
     
  8. drummergirlbk

    drummergirlbk Community Member

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    I agree with [MENTION=2687]Siracha[/MENTION] . Someone that treats their SO like that should suck their own dick. I mean seriously, it sounds like you were just trying your best to make it work, and the way you got treated...I don't think it's worth it. Once upon a time I dated an ENFP that acted in similar ways that your BF was, but not quite this severe. And it was long distance as well. I always got blamed for stuff, and no matter what it was somehow it was always my fault, even if u was upset with him in the first place. It's emotionally taxing to be in that situation. I know it isn't easy to make the break-up, but in the long run its probably the best decision.
     
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  9. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    Most people, on account of either nature, or nurture, have innate ways of relating that are dysfunctional to varying degrees.

    It may well be that you are doing nothing worthy of reasonable ire. However, you are obviously doing things which trigger his unreasonable ire.

    Some people's dysfunctionality can be lived with; other's cannot be lived with, but over time can be addressed/managed/healed/etc.; and some people's dysfunction is irreformable.
    Whether you decide to stay with him, or leave him, it might be worth getting the cards on the table in a calm discussion. Arguments really aren't appropriate about a person's dysfunctional aspects, rather, calm acknowledgement with an option for patient/understanding rehabilitation should be an option. If he cannot acknowledge, or refuses to try to reform, that should make options/decisions clearer.

    Mind you, no one can pretend to be perfect. He probably has ideas about character flaws need reforming in you as well. If all this can be laid out on the table calmly and trustingly, there would seem to be a positive path forward.
     
  10. Artisan

    Artisan Dares, Dreams, Does

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    That guy sounds like hes got a serious boatload of mental issues. o_O

    The suggestion that you might work it out if he acknowleges his part in this is definately not gonna work.
    The guy is 30 already, he knows very well what he did or did not do, and hes no longer at an age where he can make a significant character change.
    You on the otherhand are still young and atleast have the ability to meet someone new with who'm you know you will live a pleasent life growing old together.
    With this guy tho from what you just wrote, it sounds like staying with him would be a lifetime of being manipulated, dominated, unhappy and abused by someone who sounds as narcisstic as can be.

    Whilst I am absolutely no expert on things like this, I do think that it is best to end the relationship for just that reason alone and that's not even mentioning the other ones.
    Being with him doesn't even sound remotely positive.
     
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    #10 Artisan, Oct 25, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2015
  11. Kaleidoscopic

    Kaleidoscopic Community Member

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    Maybe considering that he has ignored your efforts to solve your problems. Might be because he wants you to break up, maybe he doesn't feel strong enough to do it.
    I know he doesn't deserve that you break up in person but I think that with an INFJ you should leave him by telling him clearly why. You could send him a letter, sometimes writing makes you calms you and makes you see and understand better the reason of some actions that cosfused you. But after that don't lose your precious time with him anymore, he already lost a lot of opportunities you gave him. And you don't have to feel guilty, you did all you could and did well, the one with problems is him, let him now that he has to solve them even if he's not with that isn't living.
     
  12. the

    the Si master race.
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    He is doing something that you hate and that he won't change. Dump him.
     
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