INFJ and friends

I'm probably the wrong person to ask because I don't mind initiating friendships. Not anymore. Hahaha. I go up to someone and say: "I like you. You're cool. Let's be friends!" and usually we become friends.

Before, I used to have that problem you do because I had issues trusting other people. But over time, I've learned to just "wing it" and go for it. I used to attract some very strange people...most of them in need of help (mentally/emotionally) before I decided to go out there and meet different folks on my own. I think it's a vibe you give off.

If you're unconfident, depressed, mentally unstable, you'll attract like-wise individuals. If you're happy, confident, and adventurous you'll more than likely attract people who are similar to you. At least with me, that has always been the case.

 

I find that yes I attract people that need help in some way, but for me its dangerous to accept these friendships because of my kindness I often get used and abused frequently as well...Energy vampires, and Kindness eaters can nearly drain me of every empathic feeling

 

I can soo relate to what Fireflies-Free said about having friends but not really initiating them and I have fear of being intrusive and bothering somebody who doesn't really want my friendship. I also tend to over analyze many situations and hold back because I would rather not risk making the other person feel at all obliged or uncomfortable as well as myself lacking confidence and doubting to be able to help people, although I am getting better. I also relate to what Entyqua said about being used by energy vampires, although I am getting better at staying away from those manipulative people.

 

I'm quite shy so I usually don't initiate friendships, but if that person is really someone I'd love to know then I'd jump at the chance to get to know them

 

yes i always really attract people in need. for some reason, people just come to me and open up to me about their problems. i don't even know why. and yes i can really relate to that initiating thing. i always do think that why would i need to offer my friendship to someone who doesn't even care about me? or maybe i'm just too protective of myself because i don't really want to get hurt.(because when i do get a friend, i am really really loyal). yeahp and it's also kind of awkward. i hate having an awkward conversation. it's like a trap for me.

 

is that true for your message board "friend requests" as well?

generally speaking: i like to talk to people first, before i confess interest. i would need to observe people in action, not just how they present themselves to me. metaphorically speaking: we have to go a while side by side, before i want to look into someones eyes. (metaphor! i always make eye contact). but there is often no opportunity for this. once a communication is declared as personal contact, i am rather direct in communication and jumpstart to depth, but the product of such hour long conversations is usually an artificial closeness, with ambiguous indifference. it may likely be followed by an escape, back into isolation

 

i find that i can not take people in my heart, just because they seem to be interesting, friendly, similar, whatever. it comes with time, and this time consists of actions of affection.

some people work with memory allot. in first contact, they would talk about the past, and give you a chance to apply affection/compassion to this past. they would feel touched. this way, people can grow close, just by talking.

for me, this does not work, because my memory is not that vivid and hardly ever relevant to my current emotions. if you ask about my past, and if you show affection to what happened to me in the past, i will only notice your affection analytically. it wont mean a lot. in some cases, it may even alienate me secretly, because i may feel like, i have to meet your expectation, and pretend to be touched, and pretend that we are on a closer level now, because you feel close to me, when you show compassion.

 

I've never initiated friendships either for the same reasons, although I do have low confidence. I encounter the people I'm meant to click with and all hell breaks loose hehe. Occasionally I attract people in need to the point where they become clingy but I'm pretty introverted so thankfully there aren't any swarming plague locusts fleshing out my marrow.

 

Firstly, hi! Nice you meet you, Fireflies-free!

I'm going to go out on a limb here a bit. I don't mean any of this negatively, just tossing out some ideas you may not have considered before.

You're afraid that you'll be intrusive or bothersome if you try to innitiate friendship. This tells me that you assume the other person would be obligated to accept your friendship whether they want it or not. I'm going to go further out on my limb and suggest that you assume this because you feel obligated yourself to accept the friendships offered to you (and so you assume others feel this same obligation). This would also explain why you have needy people for friends - those who feel free to say no to them do so, leaving you "holding the bag" so to speak since you're reluctant to turn down their friendship.

Again, nothing personal, nothing against you, just wondering. Remember, I'm just some guy on the internet. I also do a certain degree of this myself, and I'll admit I don't like saying no either. But if I'm off base, feel free to tell me! I'm resilient.

And by the way - if you offer to be friends with someone, if they don't want your friendship they'll most likely make it known. If they don't, then they're just as afraid as we are!

What have you got to lose?

 

That's very perceptive, actually. I used to do this. I had to stop because those people were sucking the life out of me. I'm a much happier person for it. A more optimistic one too...

 

The question is, what do you do once you've allowed yourself to become friends with a draining person? It's not just the one draining person, but I got dragged into his circle of friends and immediate family too.
They're good people by and large, but... I need space.

 

I don't think it's an INFJ thing since this happens to me all the time also and I'm not exactly what you'd call a caring person. Just the other day this girl I barely know told me she was suffering from depression and planning to commit suicide some day. I really don't know why people seem to come to me with their problems, perhaps because I'm objective and will say what I feel even though it might hurt someone. Hmm, perhaps I should start punching people who bother me...