Important to have a life of your own

[Gaze]

My SJ skills win this time. Every relationship is co-dependent to some degree. You're drawn to people that fulfill a need that you have. You fulfill each other's needs. That's the deal, that's how it works. And if you're fulfilling each other's needs a LOT, then you're pretty co-dependent on each other. There's nothing inherently wrong with this. Now there ARE problems when some needs fulfilled by someone else should be fulfilled by yourself, but co-dependency PER SE is not necessarily bad.

And your need for alone time / space is personal to YOU; I don't think a generalization can be made from this.

OK so I think a lot of people would misunderstand the whole "co-dependency" thing. The reason why I'm so precise in my explanation is because oftentimes people would just oversimplify, and conclude that "co-dependency=bad". This is not inherently true. If 2 people in a couple both have low-self esteem and all these insecurities, then they're likely to be co-dependent. Co-dependency is NOT the problem, and not to be fixed per se. It's just the result. The problem with the misconception of "co-dependency=bad" is that it can be used to justify shitty ass things. Like "You are co-dependent on me, fuck off". It can be used to improperly justify keeping your distance from someone, or not helping each other out.

Yep, someone who just doesn't want a committment for personal reasons will use the argument that their partner is too co-dependent to explain why they are breaking up when the real reason is that they don't want to make a personal committment to that particular someone. And I do agree that co-dependency is quite misunderstood.

 

[Feelings]

Yep, someone who just doesn't want a committment for personal reasons will use the argument that their partner is too co-dependent to explain why they are breaking up when the real reason is that they don't want to make a personal committment to that particular someone. And I do agree that co-dependency is quite misunderstood.

i kinda reacted to this 'co-dependency' topic emotionally, which caused me to type out that long response, because some shithead previously used that argument on me

 

[blueflame]

^^^Understood, I think maybe some of the people who read this thread were coming from where you were because they thought more in terms of a 6 month or more serious relationship where someone keeps saying "I need space". It sucks anytime someone manufactures up an excuse to break up with you as if you're not intelligent enough to just hear the simple explanation. Anyways, where I was coming from, and the reason for starting this thread is in essence the opposite of what you just said. For example, you are dating someone you like and they like you, however they are making desicions that push the relationship further along in no time flat when you really want to take time to get to know someone in order to be willing for commitment. It sort of goes back to me saying that everyone deserves love but no one is entitled to it. I may want to be commited to you but you cannot force me to be in a relationship and commit to you in lets say two weeks to a month of dating you just because you really like me. I don't want to live with someone after two weeks of dating because they really like me.

 

[Curio]

It's always important to maintain one's personal life, even when in a relationship. Not doing so can cause someone to feel burnt out, result in uneven attention paid to one partner, and ultimately, the relationship failing. I've taken this notion for granted to some extent, but I suppose others are often consumed so much with being in love or romance that they forget to take a night, or two, to themselves and do something that's just for them. Not only is it important for emotional health, but also for a more practical reason: should it end with the other person, maintaining or being able to launch an independent existence is a lot easier if someone has been doing it in little ways all along.

I used to think that most people understood this, but I've run into some who apparently don't, even to the point of insisting that it was not okay for the other person.

 

[GracieRuth]

Both have some interests that the other will not share, and that's not only okay, it shows they both have full lives. However, if there are "secrets," then that is not healthy.

I have one long term friend who has borderline personality disorder, and I have to keep really REALLY strong boundaries with him, or he will literally take over my life, not necessarily stealing my interests, but simply assuming that I share all of his interests and that I want to hear all his drama.

Co-dependency really is a problem for some people. They wake up and say "Good morning dear. How do I feel today." But I certainly agree that there are those who fling the label around as their excuse for breaking up. They need to be more honest and simply say, "I just like having the sex, I'm not into it for marriage" or "I like you but I'm not sexually attracted to you" or whatever the real reason is. But I look upon breakups as good things, even though painful, because then you are not wasting your time any longer.

 

[David54]

a difficult question. . of couise the "correct answer" is yes, it is neccessary in a heaithy relationship for both parties to maintain their own identy. . but isn't relationship about melding two lives together? and in that process creating a new life?. . a new identity. . one that is shared by two. . ?? to hold one fiercely to one's own identity in a relationship i think mey defeat the purpose of relationship .
I think of course to the object of my affecton. . I dont' want her to change. . and yet I want us to forge a new identity. . the us together. . in
this new identity . . I want to always find her. . the unique and wonderful lperson that she is. .

 

[Gaze]

a difficult question. . of couise the "correct answer" is yes, it is neccessary in a heaithy relationship for both parties to maintain their own identy. . but isn't relationship about melding two lives together? and in that process creating a new life?. . a new identity. . one that is shared by two. . ?? to hold one fiercely to one's own identity in a relationship i think mey defeat the purpose of relationship.

agree. You can't be separate and together. But you can be an individual with unique interests, needs, and goals and be together. Sharing your life with someone is not about losing your identity. It's about sharing your identity with someone, and creating a life fit for the two of you. Seeing it as co-dependence or lacking independence is not healthy. It ignores the importance of compromise.

 

[the]

I think relationships are complex and come in many flavors for many people with many different tastes.

 

[Norton]

There is no formula. All I know is that when two people are truly in love and really care about each other, they figure out how to be together without sacrificing their individual identities. It's not hard if you're not selfish and self-centered.

 

[acd]

Co-dependence is when two people cannot function without one another...that's why people who are co-dependent cannot have their lives apart from others.
They are utterly fixated on the needs of others in order to fill a need to feel useful or wanted.

It's necessary to maintain your own identity and goals in a relationship. You shouldn't be sacrificing everything of yourself to make it work (or drag it out) with someone.
If you find yourself having to sacrifice your identity and goals, it's not the relationship for you.

But I don't think relationships are about combining lives... that is kind of scary to me.
People should be free to be individuals and pursue their own interests and goals while having a loving and supportive relationship.
I don't think that two people need to consume each other's worlds and become one entity..figuratively...
You have a separate body and brain for a reason, you belong to yourself and not another..

 

[Radiantshadow]

One and one can equal one, in this case. Synthesis.

Emergent property whose components must be maintained,
combining them produces two - two worlds, two strings tangled
instead of twined delicately around each other while still being
distinct enough to carry their own lives gracefully, jointly separated.

 

[barbad0s]

It's probably useful to have a life of your own regardless of what you want in life.

May not have problems in a relationship if you don't have a life, but I wouldn't count on it.

Fine line between sucking the life out of each other with a relationship, and building upon your lives with a shared life together.

Two people who wanna be totally in sync and throw away their own individual non-team aspirations for good might be fine though. There certainly won't be any conflict, unless someone feels unfulfilled eventually.

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