Important to have a life of your own
- Thread starter blueflame
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I think the first sentence and the second question are two different scenarios. Someone can want to be with someone because they want their lifestyle or the advantages of living a particular life. Now, if you mean, one person being too financially dependent on the other, then that could be a problem.
But you can also have issues between two people related to one person being too dependent on the other person or basing too much of their identity on their partner and not having a life of their own because they're living to serve their partner while compromising their own sense of self and indepence. That's a separate issue I think.
Personally, I don't have the belief that living a life shared with mutual committment to someone means that you don't have your own life. And what does it mean to "have your own life anyway" *hypothetically speaking of course
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But you can also have issues between two people related to one person being too dependent on the other person or basing too much of their identity on their partner and not having a life of their own because they're living to serve their partner while compromising their own sense of self and indepence. That's a separate issue I think.
Personally, I don't have the belief that living a life shared with mutual committment to someone means that you don't have your own life. And what does it mean to "have your own life anyway" *hypothetically speaking of course
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I mean have your own life as in your at a point where you have learned to be responsible for yourself and are more concerned about being fulfilled than merely "filled up" with stuff, relationships etc. to make yourself feel better or define yourself on purely superficial external stimulation.
I understand what you mean, but to say relationships, etc. are superficial is not entirely accurate. Each person finds satisfaction in different things. For some, its career, for others it's family, or sharing their lives with someone. If that makes someone feel good, why is that a bad thing*question mark*
Someone can be responsible for themselves and still may not feel fulfilled unless they're in relationship, etc.
For me personally, I have a career but that is now what fulfills me. It's the close relationships in my life whether family or otherwise which make life interesting.
i'll have my life and eat it too! no that was just nonsense talk. sometimes i think the biggest negative of being in a relationship is that you can't really have your own life. you have to share things in order to have a successful relationship. sometimes i don't want to share, certain things i want all to myself, i don't want to share them with anyone at all, and i would resent having to share them. like say if i achieved something i had worked really really hard for all my life all by myself and then i had to let my partner celebrate with me when i really wanted to shut my partner out and experience the undivided glory of my achievement all by myself. but if i didn't share it my partner would be very hurt and upset and it would probably break the relationship up. and apart from that i want the world. i want the whole world. i want to lock it all up in my pocket it's my bar of chocolate. i want it now!
Perhaps a good partner, if she knew that celebrating things on your own was important to you, would just be glad - and indeed want - for you to have your woo-hoo moments on your own.
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Is it about space, or about not sharing?
maybe it is more about me. i might HAVE to share, even though i'd be conflicted about it. that might be a category relating to my personality, rather than relationships in general. but, it does seem as though individuals would have to be extremely secure to respect the separation of such defining identity elements.
By having a relationship, you're agreeing to share your life to a large degree. I would say the couple should just do whatever comes natural to them. If they try to force it one way or another, then it will be problematic.
Perhaps I am not quite following what you mean by a "life of your own", but I'd be absolutely thrilled if some female (who I really like) wanted to do the exact same shit as I wanted to do. We could spend all day every day together, and be metaphorically joined at the hip. I like that kind of shit.
I suppose if aforementioned female had low self esteem, and started basing her identity on mine, wanting to be like me, needing a TON of validation from me, then it's kinda my responsibility to help her fix that... It doesn't really break the relationship. Problems are to be shared. I'm not gonna be like "alright you clingy needy bitch, stop trying to be like me and be independent". I'm kinda responsible for her problems too.
I suppose if aforementioned female had low self esteem, and started basing her identity on mine, wanting to be like me, needing a TON of validation from me, then it's kinda my responsibility to help her fix that... It doesn't really break the relationship. Problems are to be shared. I'm not gonna be like "alright you clingy needy bitch, stop trying to be like me and be independent". I'm kinda responsible for her problems too.
^^^ I don't want to tell you that you are wrong, because you are talking about your own personal value system, but I believe you are opening yourself up to some major disappointment if you feel that you can "fix" someone. They can only fix themselves and you can maybe influence that desicion.
Yes flavus it was about space, I think what I should have said was in a relationship you assimalate naturally into someones life and maintain some sense of your own identity instead of desecrating or disolving into another person's life.
"but I'd be absolutely thrilled if some female (who I really like) wanted to do the exact same shit as I wanted to do. We could spend all day every day together, and be metaphorically joined at the hip. I like that kind of shit."
^^ This means that she does have a life of her own and you are very lucky to have found some one who likes what you like, but if she had left her life behind to be some one she is not is more along the lines of what I was talking about when I said "life of your own".
Yes flavus it was about space, I think what I should have said was in a relationship you assimalate naturally into someones life and maintain some sense of your own identity instead of desecrating or disolving into another person's life.
"but I'd be absolutely thrilled if some female (who I really like) wanted to do the exact same shit as I wanted to do. We could spend all day every day together, and be metaphorically joined at the hip. I like that kind of shit."
^^ This means that she does have a life of her own and you are very lucky to have found some one who likes what you like, but if she had left her life behind to be some one she is not is more along the lines of what I was talking about when I said "life of your own".
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I think it's exceptionally important to maintain your own identity, space and friendships when in a relationship. I think co-dependency is a dangerous thing and can be toxic. I think that time apart from the person you're with is just as important as your time together. Then again, I tend to value quality over quantity.
I think that when two people are exceptionally compatible there's a natural tendency to merge your lives together to some degree, though. It just kind of happens on its own over time.
I think that when two people are exceptionally compatible there's a natural tendency to merge your lives together to some degree, though. It just kind of happens on its own over time.
I agree with @Out To Lunch because I think his point was that being in a relationship is about helping the person deal with personal issues. If you're going to leave or reject someone simply because they don't have great self esteem or a positive self image, then what's the point. People have issues, and expecting to find someone without any issues who's perfectly independent is not realistic. Even the most independent person has issues, usually hidden. If you're going to be in a serious, long term relationship with someone, you're going to have to deal with their problems. And working together to handle those problems is a part of what it means to be in a relationship, with the hope that both of you will grow and benefit from handling these problems together. It's about learning how to be a good support system for your partner.
Obviously. That's why I said "help fix". And there's no "maybe" about influencing their decision, it's being supportive. The person would have to be a complete idiot to not understand how there's a problem, and why it needs fixing. I would not be with such a person in a first place. And if I was... well... I probably wouldn't be feeling too good about them.
My SJ skills win this time. Every relationship is co-dependent to some degree. You're drawn to people that fulfill a need that you have. You fulfill each other's needs. That's the deal, that's how it works. And if you're fulfilling each other's needs a LOT, then you're pretty co-dependent on each other. There's nothing inherently wrong with this. Now there ARE problems when some needs fulfilled by someone else should be fulfilled by yourself, but co-dependency PER SE is not necessarily bad.
And your need for alone time / space is personal to YOU; I don't think a generalization can be made from this.
OK so I think a lot of people would misunderstand the whole "co-dependency" thing. The reason why I'm so precise in my explanation is because oftentimes people would just oversimplify, and conclude that "co-dependency=bad". This is not inherently true. If 2 people in a couple both have low-self esteem and all these insecurities, then they're likely to be co-dependent. Co-dependency is NOT the problem, and not to be fixed per se. It's just the result. The problem with the misconception of "co-dependency=bad" is that it can be used to justify shitty ass things. Like "You are co-dependent on me, fuck off". It can be used to improperly justify keeping your distance from someone, or not helping each other out.
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