I'm an INFP trying to start a relationship with an INFJ | INFJ Forum

I'm an INFP trying to start a relationship with an INFJ

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Ryuknite, May 30, 2015.

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  1. Ryuknite

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    Hi, I've only just started dating an INFJ at first I didn't even know what the 16 myer-briggs personality types was even about. We both met via a dating website and our conversations seemed to be a great match. Not only when we spoke online but also in person and I feel so comfortable around him and I too make sure he is comfortable around me. Anyway I decided to check his profile info on the dating website again and he listed that his character is mostly that of an INFJ and so It got me thinking what is an INFJ?. I did some research and it has lead me to this point, knowing that he's an INFJ now makes a whole lot of sense because he definitely does fit this personality type. I decided to take the myer-briggs test to see what mine was and I mostly fit in the INFP-T category and can see why our relationship even if it's just as friends at first is a little sluggish. Maybe I'm reading into this too much or over thinking things a little but now knowing his type I'm scared that maybe if he has decided that we're not compatible or I don't meet his expectations he will just choose to ignore me and stop seeing me. He's definitely not the initiative type to ask me out on a date or to go somewhere however he has been to every event and date that I've suggested we go on which is great. But now I feel I may have over stepped the boundary and kind of pushed him into doing something he may not want to do. I've asked him to plan our next date and he just said, sure I'll get back to you. It's been an entire week and he has not send any hints on where our next day or evening out together will be. We've only spoken briefly during the week just texting to one another in which I initiated the conversation to keep that contact with him going. I just wanted to know how his day was and so on and told him good night. It's been 3 more days since that conversation took place and now I'm just wondering would it be ok for me to contact him about now? or should I wait a week or two to initiate another conversation with him. If another INFJ can please shed some light on this situation I would greatly appreciate it. We have only been on 3 dates and it's been 2 months since we first met, is this usually the norm for INFJ's to be dating at such a snail pace? As I like him I don't want to be over pursuing him as I too am defensive and do not want to end up hurt or hurting him in the process. So If anyone has any suggestions please let me know maybe other INFP's or INFJ's can relate to this topic.
     
  2. Wyote

    Wyote ○●○
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    It is absolutely imperative that you tell him directly, clearly and genuinely where your feelings are at. If he really is an INFJ you pretty much can't do this "too much," as long as you aren't being needy - just open and honest.

    It's hard as an outsider to determine his reaction to your request of planning a date. He is probably either planning something complex or is intimidated by the task and doesn't know what to do.

    From a personal standpoint, I don't really like being pressured to do anything. I'd rather plan something together that I know both people will enjoy and so I can give my partner exactly what they want. But that's me.
     
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  3. OP
    Ryuknite

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    Yes, I'm always honest but I'm not fully open to him just yet as we're still figuring each other out.
    He's very intelligent yet shy, he definitely sizes up the situation we're in and he let me know the last outing we had together with 2 of my friends. He was very forward and direct which opened me up a little further. I did tell him I liked him and that I don't know what we are just yet but all I know is I like him so far, he has stated that he has never been in a relationship before and would like to be friends with me so at least just knowing that he wants to be my friend is good enough for me. We can grow from there and try to form a proper bond. My only thing is since our last outing when he first met my friends I feel he may have distanced himself from me because we were meant to see each other again last weekend but he never did as he was too tired and decided he just wanted to go home and sleep. He did tell me he was sorry and felt bad for blowing me off that night and so as a punishment I told him well you'll have to make up for it by planning our next date. Not realizing he was an INFJ I have noticed that now I may have added some unnecessary pressure on him and potentially could have made him want to further distance himself from me again :/ this is very complicated. His mannerisms and nature is definitely of that of an INFJ. When I mention something about my life at work and so on he will push me and ask about my goals and that I should achieve them which to me was a little pushy at first but I just went along with his opinion and told him that I'm still figuring things out but I don't mind what it is I'm doing at the moment.

    I don't know if he was satisfied by that answer but it was a response I did feel strongly on and usually I can read people pretty clearly but with him it's different he's very reserved and observant which I usually am too. I think that's mainly why I'm further intrigued by him, he's mysterious, warm and charming to be around. I have never met anyone like him before and in some ways I can relate to his isolation or wanting to be accepted for who he is which is what I long for too.

    Sorry I'm probably just ranting but this is definitely something I can't help think about. Is it in their nature the INFJ's to just back off and not let the other person know why they've decided to stop contact or seeing them? or are INFJ's compassionate enough to at least let the other person know that this is not working out so they can get some sense of closure and move on?
     
  4. Reign

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    Are you a homosexual?
     
  5. Free

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    I stumbled across this not too long ago, perhaps it can help.

    http://www.infjs.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29300

    I've been out of the dating game too long to be confident in the advice I'd give. All I can say is [MENTION=251]Wyote[/MENTION] said it best. Be honest and genuine. Don't force anything.

    Best of luck :)
     
  6. OP
    Ryuknite

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    Would answering your comment make a difference in the type of advice I am seeking?

    Yes I am an INFP male and he is an INFJ male. We are both dating, I just need to know if it's the norm for an INFJ to be dating at a really slow pace. It's been 2 months and the most interaction we've had is texting, we've only met face to face on 3 dates our first 2 dates were amazingly great. Our 3rd was awkward because I had invited 2 of my friends along to meet him but I could see that he was not his usual self around my friends and he pulled me aside at one point and asked if he could be direct with me so I sat down alone with him and we got talking. I opened up a bit more letting him know about a few more personal information with my life so that he would feel allot more at ease and he was ok with it. But now the texting has become less on his part, at first he would initiate a text and ask how my day was going and when I would see him again. Now he doesn't text me at all unless I text him and make initiate the conversation. I'm thinking I'm beginning to lose him already and I know it's still only early but he's constantly busy working nights and studying during the day time. His weekends are usually pretty full on too so we rarely get to see one another and now as you can see I've resorted to rambling in an INFJ forum that I've only just signed up to for some guidance and also some piece of mind as I really would like to just talk to him but feel that if I do I might scare him away with all this ranting on what's on my mind :(..... Should I just stop asking on here and speak my mind to him about all this? I really want this to work out as I cannot stop thinking about the guy.
     
  7. OP
    Ryuknite

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    Thank you, I can see that me being an INFP may not be a good personality match for him :( but also hoping that it could work if it's worth the effort to make it work. I'm willing to, already I'm discovering more about him and even myself that I never knew existed.
     
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    There it is, right there. The heart of it.

    Perhaps, after 2 months of casual dating and texting, it is time for you to talk to him. As an INFJ, his heart will be very well guarded. Even if he feels the same, there is no way to know it till he lets you know. INFJs have never backed away from a good heart to heart conversation. Just remember, honesty is the best policy. Do not offer up ultimatums or priority shifting on his part, even if it is to pursue a loving relationship. He has his priorities all mapped out and any challenge to that will be looked upon as an assault on him personally.

    Best wishes to you both

    <3
     
  9. OP
    Ryuknite

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    [MENTION=13729]Free2be[/MENTION]

    Thank you :) and the link you sent earlier has a few good pointers in there to watch out for. I definitely do not want to come off as needy but just understood and want to be with him more so that the decision on weather we are compatible or not is more clearer. That's all I want. I will talk to him and make the first move again by setting up a 4th date where the two of us can talk freely and see where it leads.

    So thanks again guys I'll update this topic with our progress.
     
  10. Reign

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    Nah, its just the way you dropped it so casually. Nevermind,
     
  11. Wyote

    Wyote ○●○
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    One of the great difficulties of a relationship between two introverts is that neither person initiates and both feel bad because of it. It can be overcome with good communication though.
     
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  12. DonTaushMe

    DonTaushMe Well-known member

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    Run while you still can.
    You already see the warning signs, he's pushy. It'll only get worse.
    Add to that he's not meeting you half way on anything it seems.
    Fuck if he's interested, you need someone who will treat you better, treat you like you're a priority.
    He doesn't.
    Fuck him.
     
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    He needs him.
     
  14. OP
    Ryuknite

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    ****Update****

    Ok, so the INFJ guy that I'm seeing has suddenly gone cold turkey... I mean he now takes longer to respond to any of my texts and he never initiates to text me at all :(. I feel that he's blowing me off and not telling me the truth. Also when I asked him that we should meet up and talk he just said he's been way too busy and will catch up with me in a couple of weeks. So what do you think guys? Do you think it's worth me waiting for him to make a move? or Cut him loose now as he doesn't seem interested anymore. Because to me if someone was interested they would at least make time for that person and want to see them as much as possible, wouldn't you agree? I'm just upset and confused over this situation now and thinking that I should just leave him and move on so that I can find someone that will treat me better.

    Please write your say about this because I really do like him but feel that maybe I'm holding on to a dream that will always be waiting for me and never within my reach. The problem is If I wait a couple of weeks for him to do anything and he doesn't do it I'll be really disappointed and hurt.
     
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    Sometimes when we write out our thoughts and feelings about something, especially when we're trying to find the right course of action, our answers can be found within our questions. I do believe if he were interested, even a little, that he would at least make an attempt for some one on one time. I'm sorry :(. But you do deserve better, we all do, and I hope you find it.
    <3
     
  16. littlemissmaya

    littlemissmaya Regular Poster

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    Hiya, how patient are you and how much do you really like this guy? In my opinion you really have only two options at this point:

    - leave now (as others have suggested) and save your feelings from being hurt any further, especially in case he is not that interested in you - one reason for the slow response (The other reason could be that he is really is genuinely busy and can take awhile to get head space and focus on something new)

    - in which case: wait some. INFJs are cautious when it comes to relationships.. especially if he is new to it. it may take time to build an understanding and respect for each other. Do not pressure or smother him because that will definitely drive him away. He could be guarding his feelings and his thoughts until he knows you well enough and relaxes more in your company. Do something fun and special and stay away from big crowds or at least stay close to the aisles or exits.

    Good luck, don't get too upset. And also don't try so hard, let it develop at its own pace as long as you two are open with what you expect from the relationship.
     
  17. Wyote

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    Absolutely nobody is so busy that they can't text/talk for a few minutes in a day. Meeting up is different depending on how pressured the person feels in a given situation. Some people cut down their social time when they are feeling a lot of pressure in other areas like school or work, but this is also an indicator of possible future behavior and should be taken into consideration before pursuing things further.

    Again it's impossible for me as an outsider to know the circumstance but personally I'd call him out on his bullshit. Either he makes the effort or he doesn't, it's pretty simple. Confrontation is not easy for INFx but regarding personal relationships it is a vital skill... for sanity purposes lol.

    You win either way. He flips out about it and shows his true colors or he sees your point and makes time.
     
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  18. OP
    Ryuknite

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    ***Update***

    Ok guys, so we did plan to meet but then on the day of the meet he decided that he wanted to postpone it for another time. I have officially become detached from this person in my life. I am not going to let a person who has his priorities else where ruin the love I want to give and share by just not being there. I decided he was not good for me so I told him how I felt and his response was quite hurtful. I am just glad that I can move on and find a better partner for me. This will be my last post on here as I do not think I will date another INFJ any time soon even though it's quite rare to even be in a relationship with one. I did however say my final goodbye to him in poetry and hopefully someday he can reflect on those words as he finds someone that truly fits in his universe. For all of you out there that has read my posts I would just like to say. Dream of a soul, gentle and warm. May it remember you as you try to let go.
     
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