I just discovered that I have an eating disorder, anyone can help?

[Angelica Jesslan]

I'm not an English native so there must be lots of grammatical errors, I'm sorry.

So my weight has been fluctuating a lot this past one year. I was 163cm tall and 58kgs, and this is enough to make me feel disgusted seeing my body on the mirror. I have no confidence at all.

In March 2015 I decided to lose some weight by eating 'healthy', at least that what I thought, with 800-1200 cals per day. I exercised something like Kayla Itsines does but I did it everyday for one and a half hour. I only lost 3kgs after a month and lose extra 1kg the next month before the measurement stuck in that number (54kgs). I started to wonder why did my body take so long to lose weight?? Then I started to binge on sweets for 2 days and I started to diet again with more restricted cals. But still no progress anyway. I was so frustated because I just wanna reach my target 48kgs, why is it so hard??

Then I found out about Mayo diet with no salt intake at all for 2 weeks straight. I refused to check my weight during that Mayo diet until I when finished it, I was 51.5kgs. Only dropped 3.5kgs which was kinda disappointing cuz other people can lose up to 6-9kgs.

BUT then this nightmare happened. My hormons were fucked up so much that I got my period twice a month. I got a serious gastric problem and I became hungry all the time that I needed to binge a lot to get my body full. That last for a month and I was already back at 56kgs.

I was so depressed because I have a very low self esteem and I believe what can boost it up is I must be skinny, I need to get rid of all this fats around my body especially my two big layers of belly fat. Thats all I want, really.

I stopped dieting and then on December 2015 I started dieting again. I eat 2 meals a day, first is at 12pm and second is at 3pm then I stop eating until the next day (with no excercise). I let my stomach empty for 21 hours straight, and this last for a month. I dropped from 55kgs to 53.5kgs a month with this diet. This made me quiet happy even tho it still takes a long time to lose only 1.5kgs in a month.

Then the restricting happens again. I'm back at eating only 800-1000cals a day and 21hours of fasting plus 45mins daily exercise. I set my target to 50kgs this time. I also have constipation problem that I should take 2 laxative pills every 3 days for me to be able to poop. I finally dropped from 53.5kgs to 51kgs in a month. BUT this weight is stuck again. I've been doing everything I can do to get rid 1kg left of my weight but it just seemed so impossible to happen.

My fungal nail infection even worsened this situation because I need to consume 1 pill of Flucoral for 2 weeks straight that fucked up my gastric and caused my stomach to bloat everyday, up till today. Since my bloating didn't go off after 2 months later, my doctor gave me bloating pills but this pills cause my appetite to boost up extremely. I've gained weight to 52kgs in only 2 days and I'm so angry and it makes me hating myself more because of it.

I dont know what to do anymore.. I just want a 48kgs thats all why is it so hard to me?? I just wanna be skinny like other girls around me since I'm asian and you know asian people tend to be smaller than average westerners. Being skinny is the only thing I need to get me full of confidence..but it ends up depressing me even more. What I hate about myself more is that I lose weight so slowly but gain weight so quickly. It just feels so unfair to me that other people can stuff a ton of foods into their stomach but dont even gain weight at all.

I have tried dividing my meals into 5 a day but it makes me hungry all the time, then I ended up binging at night because the hunger is really irresistible. I know I have a serious eating disorder, i wanna recover and go vegan but my mom is very against veganism because she doesn't know how it feels to be me (she has fast metabolism that she never gained weight during her teenage years). I've even thought to purge my meals out but I'm too scared of the side effects. God I just wanna reach 48kgs why is it so hard???? :'(

I know I may sound freaky and you guys might cringe reading my story, but i cant help it. There are 2 options in my head:
1. Starving myself to death but I can get very a high self esteem and I can finally love myself or;
2. Eat everything I want without caring of being fat but I lost my entire self esteem.

 

[Gaze]

I can't imagine how this must feel. There are many here who have been through something similar and will share their experiences. Remember that whatever your weight, you are a unique individual who is valuable because you are you, not because of how you look or because of an ideal self. Make a list of 10 things you like or enjoy about who you are, and make another list of 10 things you want to see changed but the things on the change list can't be things that will make you sacrifice your feelings of self worth. They must be things that will make you feel truly happy, more confident and comfortable with yourself, not things that will make you feel bad or guilty because you didn't meet the mark or didn't reach your goal. This exercise of course, won't solve your problem outright, but it may help to put things in perspective.

 

[Poetic Justice]

Setting yourself an arbitrary target if 48kg is part of the problem. Peoples weight fluctuates all the time. Having your self esteem tied to a number which keeps changing is obviously going to make your self esteem level keep changing.

The key is for your self esteem to be immune to external, arbitrary factors. Remember this acronym IALAC. It means I Am Lovable And Capable. Say it to yourself every day

I know you were hoping for dieting tips but this is not the answer. Fifty something kgs us not fat even for an Asian girl. Break free from this target weight nonsense and be happy now. Not later.

IALAC

 

[hush]

An important thing to focus on Angelica, is overall health. It could be beneficial to discover and focus on what is healthy for you. So far your mind has been focused solely on weight, but you could be 100lb. and severely unhealthy, and this lack of physical health would then spread over to the realms of mental and emotional health (all three are inextricably intertwined). What works for your mother, and what works for the people around you, isn't necessarily what's right for you. It could help to focus more on yourself, and to truly learn your body's needs.

What you eat is equally as important as how much you eat. 800-1200 calories, for instance, could mean any number of things. It could be empty calories, or it could be a balanced variety of foods focused on ensuring your body is receiving the proper vitamins and nutrients it requires to function at its best.

Even while losing weight, you weren't necessarily considering the methods used - just your end goal, weight loss, and as you described your body suffered consequences and while you felt temporarily happy, it was short-lived, and other ailments afflicted you as a result. Salt, for instance, should be taken in moderation, but it's still an integral part of your diet. Ideally it should be eaten in small doses, but forgoing it entirely typically isn't advisable.

Diet and exercise are important, but why and how you go about them, more so.

It might be useful to ask yourself why those are the only two options, in your mind. Why loving yourself means starving yourself to death. It's hard, I know, and I'm not judging at all. Just remember that there are options beyond those two, and that a worthwhile third option could be to find out what being healthy means for you, and finding out what it takes to achieve that.

Have you tried reaching out to anyone, such as a professional for instance?

Best of wishes to you.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

The more muscle you have, the easier it is to lose weight. Starving and binging does nothing good for your muscles, except to waste them away.

I think you could try to do some muscle building exercises, but not to the extreme of looking butch, just toned. Losing fat then no longer is exclusively a matter of restricting calorie intake, but of balancing intake with moderate exercise.

Focusing on weight alone is less complete than focusing on being fit and healthy.

Stop staring at the scales, and put your energy into doing activities that will make you feel good; numbers on a scale are a poor substitute for healthy fun.

 

[Poetic Justice]

Btw if some of our words are showing as links to other sites ignore it. I don't know wtf that is but I didn't do it

 

[hush]

Btw if some of our words are showing as links to other sites ignore it. I don't know wtf that is but I didn't do it

It's all your fault. *glares accusingly*

(J/K, it's Viglink and it's built into the site. If you have a good ad-blocker it tends to go away)

 

[sprinkles]

Extremes aren't good. Your body is trying to tell you that you are hurting it. Listen to it. You have had your body your entire life. You can't just force it to change over night with these pills and crash diets. People who do this are almost never healthy.

You won't be able to enjoy 48kgs if you kill yourself getting it.

 

[Scientia]

Weight isn't important if you are healthy mentally, emotionally and physically. You have to put yourself first for once. Do some research and find a diet that will work for you. Higher fat, lower carb diets curb hunger better than the low fat higher carb ones and might help curb binges. If it's emotional, no diet or exercise program in the world will help until you get to the source of your pain.

 

[Angelica Jesslan]

I knew it that I've come to the right place with people who will never judge everything I do, that is this forum. Truly thank you for you guys' support in regard to my problem.

I've always included weight training between my exercise, but mostly with my own body weight instead of gym equipment. I also did visit a nutrient doctor when I was 57kgs, my fat percentage was surprisingly 27% which is considered as, well.. semi-high. Instead of giving me a nice response, this doctor was like nagging me by saying something like, do you want to be a model or what? your body has normal BMI already what's the point of dieting blah blah blah.... This is so offensive to me, well maybe because I'm a sensitive person, but it just messed up my mood even more. Then he told me to eat 3 big meals a day (big size of breakfast, medium size of lunch, and small size of dinner) and gave me 2 kind of pills, I was told to come back in a week. I searched on what those pills for on the internet and apparently the pills work to suppress my appetite, which I can naturally suppress it without the need of those pills. I've been mad already that time but I thought let's give it a try to see whether there will be any improvement by doing the doctor's advice. A week later I weighed myself and there's no progress at all, I was still 57kgs and I was totally angry. I didn't come back to that doctor ever again and that was when I started doing fasting for 21hours like I've been telling you guys before. I've tried many types of diet but nothing's working.

I thought I've come to plateau phase but I can't do anything to get off of it because if I decrease my cals intake I'll end up fainting and if I increase my exercise length I won't even have the energy to do that. I thought I have a very slow metabolism but none of my dad or mom have it, in fact my mom has a very fast metabolism during her teenage years that even tho she ate 8 times a day, her weight never bulged. While my dad can easily gain weight but can easily lose that much of weight at the same time. I think metabolism is a genetical thing but why it wasn't inherited to me? I've even checked my thyroid level but nothing's wrong. Idk anymore what's wrong with my body... I'm so depressed now and my motivation to exercise is starting to fade bit by bit

If you guys asking me whether the only source of my confidence is the look of my own body, the answer is a big yes. I've never been feeling so confident in my life before I reached 51kgs (even tho I still have some layers of fat here and there) a week ago and everything in life seems much more beautiful, I socialize more, and I feel much more happier. I may sound like an obsessive lil freak but that 48kgs is all that matter for me now

 

[Poetic Justice]

Fasting is definitely not the answer. If you tell your body that you frequently have to go without food it saves some of the food you do eat for those times as fat. This why small, regular meals often works. Your body thinks there is no point hoarding energy as it gets all it needs when it needs it.

An important thing to remember is that whatever diet or exercise programme ends up working for you, you're going to have to stick to it, probably forever. Something that leaves you feeling faint isn't something you're going to be able to stick to

Remember IALAC. Say it whenever you look at yourself in the mirror. Notice how it feels to believe it and hold that feeling throughout the day

 

[Eventhorizon]

I do not have any experience with this. I just wanted to offer what I believe is a logical argument. Do you know where this disorder stems from? Is there a certain thought that goes through your mind when you make the choices you do in association with the disorder?

My understanding is that the extreme versions of this disorder lead to death. Is this something you are after? Do you wish to harm yourself through this process? Because this is what you are doing. Do you want other people to notice what is happening to you and then express concern so that you know there are people that care about you? DO YOU KNOW THE ROOT CAUSE?

There are support groups, see if you can find one and consider going.

The human body is pretty simple in what it needs to survive when it comes down to it. Sustenance and water. It really doesnt get simpler than that and you are targeting one of those right off the bat.

Everyone in this life has a battle they are fighting. Some show it more than others. Everyone needs someone to lean on. No one can make it through this life completely on their own. No one. Even the greatest leaders that have lived, the people you look up to and respect... no one can do it alone. Dont think you can. It is not weakness to ask for help or to look for it. Knowing that you know how and where you can benefit from asking for help is a strength.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find what you need.