Angelica Jesslan
Newbie
- MBTI
- INFJ/INFP
- Enneagram
- 4, 6, 9
I'm not an English native so there must be lots of grammatical errors, I'm sorry.
So my weight has been fluctuating a lot this past one year. I was 163cm tall and 58kgs, and this is enough to make me feel disgusted seeing my body on the mirror. I have no confidence at all.
In March 2015 I decided to lose some weight by eating 'healthy', at least that what I thought, with 800-1200 cals per day. I exercised something like Kayla Itsines does but I did it everyday for one and a half hour. I only lost 3kgs after a month and lose extra 1kg the next month before the measurement stuck in that number (54kgs). I started to wonder why did my body take so long to lose weight?? Then I started to binge on sweets for 2 days and I started to diet again with more restricted cals. But still no progress anyway. I was so frustated because I just wanna reach my target 48kgs, why is it so hard??
Then I found out about Mayo diet with no salt intake at all for 2 weeks straight. I refused to check my weight during that Mayo diet until I when finished it, I was 51.5kgs. Only dropped 3.5kgs which was kinda disappointing cuz other people can lose up to 6-9kgs.
BUT then this nightmare happened. My hormons were fucked up so much that I got my period twice a month. I got a serious gastric problem and I became hungry all the time that I needed to binge a lot to get my body full. That last for a month and I was already back at 56kgs.
I was so depressed because I have a very low self esteem and I believe what can boost it up is I must be skinny, I need to get rid of all this fats around my body especially my two big layers of belly fat. Thats all I want, really.
I stopped dieting and then on December 2015 I started dieting again. I eat 2 meals a day, first is at 12pm and second is at 3pm then I stop eating until the next day (with no excercise). I let my stomach empty for 21 hours straight, and this last for a month. I dropped from 55kgs to 53.5kgs a month with this diet. This made me quiet happy even tho it still takes a long time to lose only 1.5kgs in a month.
Then the restricting happens again. I'm back at eating only 800-1000cals a day and 21hours of fasting plus 45mins daily exercise. I set my target to 50kgs this time. I also have constipation problem that I should take 2 laxative pills every 3 days for me to be able to poop. I finally dropped from 53.5kgs to 51kgs in a month. BUT this weight is stuck again. I've been doing everything I can do to get rid 1kg left of my weight but it just seemed so impossible to happen.
My fungal nail infection even worsened this situation because I need to consume 1 pill of Flucoral for 2 weeks straight that fucked up my gastric and caused my stomach to bloat everyday, up till today. Since my bloating didn't go off after 2 months later, my doctor gave me bloating pills but this pills cause my appetite to boost up extremely. I've gained weight to 52kgs in only 2 days and I'm so angry and it makes me hating myself more because of it.
I dont know what to do anymore.. I just want a 48kgs thats all why is it so hard to me?? I just wanna be skinny like other girls around me since I'm asian and you know asian people tend to be smaller than average westerners. Being skinny is the only thing I need to get me full of confidence..but it ends up depressing me even more. What I hate about myself more is that I lose weight so slowly but gain weight so quickly. It just feels so unfair to me that other people can stuff a ton of foods into their stomach but dont even gain weight at all.
I have tried dividing my meals into 5 a day but it makes me hungry all the time, then I ended up binging at night because the hunger is really irresistible. I know I have a serious eating disorder, i wanna recover and go vegan but my mom is very against veganism because she doesn't know how it feels to be me (she has fast metabolism that she never gained weight during her teenage years). I've even thought to purge my meals out but I'm too scared of the side effects. God I just wanna reach 48kgs why is it so hard???? :'(
I know I may sound freaky and you guys might cringe reading my story, but i cant help it. There are 2 options in my head:
1. Starving myself to death but I can get very a high self esteem and I can finally love myself or;
2. Eat everything I want without caring of being fat but I lost my entire self esteem.
So my weight has been fluctuating a lot this past one year. I was 163cm tall and 58kgs, and this is enough to make me feel disgusted seeing my body on the mirror. I have no confidence at all.
In March 2015 I decided to lose some weight by eating 'healthy', at least that what I thought, with 800-1200 cals per day. I exercised something like Kayla Itsines does but I did it everyday for one and a half hour. I only lost 3kgs after a month and lose extra 1kg the next month before the measurement stuck in that number (54kgs). I started to wonder why did my body take so long to lose weight?? Then I started to binge on sweets for 2 days and I started to diet again with more restricted cals. But still no progress anyway. I was so frustated because I just wanna reach my target 48kgs, why is it so hard??
Then I found out about Mayo diet with no salt intake at all for 2 weeks straight. I refused to check my weight during that Mayo diet until I when finished it, I was 51.5kgs. Only dropped 3.5kgs which was kinda disappointing cuz other people can lose up to 6-9kgs.
BUT then this nightmare happened. My hormons were fucked up so much that I got my period twice a month. I got a serious gastric problem and I became hungry all the time that I needed to binge a lot to get my body full. That last for a month and I was already back at 56kgs.
I was so depressed because I have a very low self esteem and I believe what can boost it up is I must be skinny, I need to get rid of all this fats around my body especially my two big layers of belly fat. Thats all I want, really.
I stopped dieting and then on December 2015 I started dieting again. I eat 2 meals a day, first is at 12pm and second is at 3pm then I stop eating until the next day (with no excercise). I let my stomach empty for 21 hours straight, and this last for a month. I dropped from 55kgs to 53.5kgs a month with this diet. This made me quiet happy even tho it still takes a long time to lose only 1.5kgs in a month.
Then the restricting happens again. I'm back at eating only 800-1000cals a day and 21hours of fasting plus 45mins daily exercise. I set my target to 50kgs this time. I also have constipation problem that I should take 2 laxative pills every 3 days for me to be able to poop. I finally dropped from 53.5kgs to 51kgs in a month. BUT this weight is stuck again. I've been doing everything I can do to get rid 1kg left of my weight but it just seemed so impossible to happen.
My fungal nail infection even worsened this situation because I need to consume 1 pill of Flucoral for 2 weeks straight that fucked up my gastric and caused my stomach to bloat everyday, up till today. Since my bloating didn't go off after 2 months later, my doctor gave me bloating pills but this pills cause my appetite to boost up extremely. I've gained weight to 52kgs in only 2 days and I'm so angry and it makes me hating myself more because of it.
I dont know what to do anymore.. I just want a 48kgs thats all why is it so hard to me?? I just wanna be skinny like other girls around me since I'm asian and you know asian people tend to be smaller than average westerners. Being skinny is the only thing I need to get me full of confidence..but it ends up depressing me even more. What I hate about myself more is that I lose weight so slowly but gain weight so quickly. It just feels so unfair to me that other people can stuff a ton of foods into their stomach but dont even gain weight at all.
I have tried dividing my meals into 5 a day but it makes me hungry all the time, then I ended up binging at night because the hunger is really irresistible. I know I have a serious eating disorder, i wanna recover and go vegan but my mom is very against veganism because she doesn't know how it feels to be me (she has fast metabolism that she never gained weight during her teenage years). I've even thought to purge my meals out but I'm too scared of the side effects. God I just wanna reach 48kgs why is it so hard???? :'(
I know I may sound freaky and you guys might cringe reading my story, but i cant help it. There are 2 options in my head:
1. Starving myself to death but I can get very a high self esteem and I can finally love myself or;
2. Eat everything I want without caring of being fat but I lost my entire self esteem.
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