I have isolated myself completely | INFJ Forum

I have isolated myself completely

I struggle with this feeling on and off, so I understand how you feel. What I came to realize is that I brought most of my loneliness on myself by expecting the people in my life to "know" when I needed them most without me telling them.
We INFJs tend to have a talent for knowing when people are struggling and we will be there for them. As a result, we expect them to be there for us as well and to have that same ability to read us as we read them.
They don't.
Do these people know how you feel or did you cut them out without telling them why?
 
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I think isolating yourself works both ways. When you start to avoid people because you feel hurt by them they might not understand why, but they will likely pick up your intention to avoid them. They might even think that it is something directed towards them and that you don't want them to be around any more.
 
Betrayed.....
How so, by what etc...
 
Hi

I am new here. I figured it might be a good idea to share my thoughts and feelings with other infjs. I struggle with loneliness. I have experienced a lot of rejection in my life, from the time I was a child, even from my family who don't seem to get me and had other major concerns as I was an infant (my sick brother, money issues and more).

Now at my adult life I have practically thrown almost everyone out of my life, except my dear husband and kids. And my parents and brother.

I figured that the reason I have thrown so many people out of my life is because of the pain of rejection or carelessness I feel from most people. For example, when I was at the time in my life of giving birth to my kids, I was so alone. My friends seem to have very little interest to even call or visit. And my family, who lived 45 minutes away rarely visited us. I don't understand and feel I have been betrayed by both close friends and family at a time when I was so needy.

Now I wall everybody out and think that since I did everything by myself then, I don't need these people in my life now. I don't like people in my life that let me alone when I needed them the most.

That said, to be fair, my mother offered help but was unable to help because she was too busy with my oldest brother who was abusing drugs and one of my friends showed some love but she has her own ,,group" of friends and didn't invite me to birthday parties. Possibly someone cared more but didn't know how to get closer and connect. Well, at least this is how I feel. I basically feel like I was left alone in the one moment of my life where I really need the people in my life and since they didn't show up I don't need them anymore ever. At the same time I feel very lonely.

What I feel I need is to discuss this experience of feeling betrayed in the most vulnerable time and how to recover and start letting people in.

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share your insights or comments :)

Hey Whitesnow!

Thank you for sharing this with us.

I obviously don't know your story, but sadly I can recognize a lot of what you're saying from my own life.

Does anyone in your family have a history of depression, anxiety or other affective personality disorders like bipolar disorder?

Have you considered the possibility of you having a depression or generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)?

It's not as scary or abnormal as you'd think. Regardless, it's going to get better from here on out!

Here's some quick and easy reads about depression and GAD from two amazing organizations called the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance and the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Check them out, their resources are really good.

On depression:

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=education_mood_disorders

On anxiety:

http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad

Send me a message or quote mere and answer here.
 
What I came to realize is that I brought most of my loneliness on myself by expecting the people in my life to "know" when I needed them most without me telling them.

This was the first thing that popped into my mind when I read your post, [MENTION=13320]whitesnow[/MENTION].
 
[MENTION=13320]whitesnow[/MENTION] Just want you to know that you are not alone with having/dealing with those feelings. I've battled the same thing all my life and I'm a 37 year old male.
 
I think isolating yourself works both ways. When you start to avoid people because you feel hurt by them they might not understand why, but they will likely pick up your intention to avoid them. They might even think that it is something directed towards them and that you don't want them to be around any more.

I have avoided people because of indepth pain. I found out one of them said they would be the last to know if anything had happened to me, after all they had done to me. People can sometimes know their actions were not proper, and can see the outcome of such actions to be undeniably wrong. When you avoid them from the pain caused, they sometimes think you to be holding a grudge. They should look back past their actions into the past and know you have always distanced yourself when in pain.

edit to add: Why is it we too often are the ones that must reach out to them?
 
Me:

Yeah, I just don't want to be around people right now. I feel like you are around people at work and that basically where I get my fill around being around people for the week. Still you want somebody around to do the activities(a girlfriend or a date) that you want to do on the weekend. I don't think a date or a GF could handle me being so isolated to myself. They would want you to have your friends and to have a life outside of them of course. If I somebody wants to talk to me while I am out doing an activity on the weekend that is fine though. I dislike being in a group of people socially. Like if I go on a message board like this on the weekend I could talk. I just don't seek out conversation.
 
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Roizier,

i relate to what you say. i work in a hospital and get my fill of people. I don't have any desire for company outside of work except for family , if it were of interest to me it would be different but i find most people stupid and they have nothing to offer me intellectually, no mutual interests or notions of culture or thought.
At work i am good , tactful, polite and good with difficult people that other people can't deal with.
Mostly i just function on being busy and getting through the day however i may be thinking about many other things.
It is a bit odd working with these people and i often wonder if they actually get what i sometimes say?
Their world is so ordinary and i am often surprised at their limited reading, education, ideas , appreciation of art and beauty.

After a lot of searching in life i have found peace , i am happy in my own company and particularly with my children.

"I just don't seek out conversation. " You have to wait sometimes for a decent conversation... too long sometimes.
 
This is a really interesting thread. I go through lonely phases but think it's because if I'm honest I don't want to let people close to me if they won't respect my boundaries & emotional limitations. I'm really sensitive to rejection. So I tend to keep everyone at arm's length but then get upset if I'm low and no-one even seems to notice or bother to invite me out etc. I definitely expect people to "read" me like I can read them. How unfair on other people is that! Also the older I get the less tolerance I have for people who talk endlessly about things of no consequence that don't interest me or are trivial. I used to love going to social events and chatting to lots of people. Now I seek out someone I connect with and if I can't find anyone I'd rather go home and read a book. So maybe people think I don't need their social interaction, when actually I do, but only a specific type.

Someone jokingly called me "Billy no mates" at work and I was really upset about it for weeks because that's how I often feel but then other people say I'm so "nice". Maybe I give off a leave-me-in-peace vibe or something. :-/
 
I tend to isolate myself when I there's a large group of people I just don't feel at ease, it like I need to be a person I'm not, the person that others expect me to be.