I don't know how... | INFJ Forum

I don't know how...

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Simon, Apr 26, 2010.

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  1. Simon

    Simon Newbie

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    It seems like such a cliche, but there's this girl. I've seen her around college a few times, and she always look incredibly sad. I've realised that I seem to be attracted to most things which are sad, whether it be music, art, or even people. As a result, I've somehow managed to fall in love with her, well, actually, it can't possibly be love, because I don't know her, I just, I'm drawn to her, I feel as though she could easily change my life, and make everything a whole lot better. There seems to be no way to get to know her at all, I don't know her name, I'm not in any of her classes, but I really want to get to know her. In three or four weeks I finish college completely, I'll only be back for a couple of exams, so I guess that's how long I have to get to know her, or just to say hello, or something. I don't want to leave college wondering, 'what if... '. I've made her a mixtape, and I'm seriously considering just going up to her at some stage, handing it to her, and walking away, or just saying that, if she thinks I'm insane, she can ignore me, and if she actually wants to talk to me, I'll be there. I don't know. I'm scared about doing anything. If a person you didn't know came up to you and handed you a CD, would you be scared, or excited?How do you think I should go about this?



    Sorry if I haven't explained myself very well.
     
  2. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    How does your experience with states of sadness usually go? Be mindful of that....

    I think the mixtape is a cool idea. I'm all about the "go for it". never know till ya try.
     
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  3. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    I like you and I wish you success. Give the tape, but don't put much, if any weight on it. Give with joy and without expectation. That way it will be a nice thing for her. Give her a chance to know you, and maybe she will reciprocate, and maybe not. The more freedom you give her to choose, the more chance you have of one nice gesture leading to another, and so on, but let's not get carried away, right? A mixtape isn't a wedding ring, but everyone likes to be thought of fondly and made to feel special from time to time. :)
     
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    Gaze likes this.
  4. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I concur!^^
     
  5. Gaze

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    This^^^ :smile:
     
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  6. OP
    Simon

    Simon Newbie

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    You mean, how do I normally deal with being unhappy? Well, I guess I don't. I just suffer in silence because I don't feel as though I have anybody that I can talk to about how I feel. I suppose in some repsects, that's probably why I like things which appear sad to most other people, because I can usually relate to them in some manner.

    Do you think I should try and explain myself, perhaps in a letter of some sort, or just leave it at that, perhaps with my e-mail address, just in case she wants to communicate, or does the e-mail seem too pushy? It's just that I don't see her very often at college, so it's not as though I could easily find her again to talk. I feel very unsure about this, I know that as soon as I get around to actually doing it, I'll feel stupid, and get all embaraseed in front of her, and mix up my words, as I always do when I'm uncomfortable. I guess the only thing that makes this better is that I leave college soon, and won't have to worry if she decides to ignore me.

    I also feel quite strange because I realise that all I'm really judging her by is appearance, and that's a terrible thing to do, I should find out what she is like, but I guess the only way to do that is to talk to her.

    And Elf, thank you, I absolutely understand. Do you think the handmade cover was too much? I'm so worried about this.

    Thank you all for your help. I'm new here, and you all seem so lovely and welcoming.
     
  7. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    Well we are attracted to sad things/people sometimes, but we do have to be careful in how we handle them, in my opinion anyway.

    The INFJ tendency to take others' emotions as our own is not always healthy, though not always bad either. Not trying to be a pessimist, just saying to be conscious of it and have a balance. :)
     
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  8. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    I wouldn't recommend the e-mail address or letter. It depends what you write of course, but I have the feeling you're planning to bare your soul to her, which would be much too much. Assuming the mixtape is part of a plan to get a date directly, a written letter or e-mail address would just send some really odd signals to her. Asking for her phone number would be better, after making face to face contact. I imagine that might be hard? She's worth it though, right? I guess you want to e-mail her, because you might feel a lot more comfortable with writing. Thing is, it will probably seem a bit creepy to her, or if not that, she might just prefer to be wooed in the traditional manner, or else simply have the feeback of a real voice on the end of a line, as it promises reality, rather than smoke and mirrors. I've made these kind of errors in the past. You'll probably have to make them for yourself, as that's the way it goes, but I'd like it if things went well for you. :)

    Ps. The handmade cover is cute, and not too much, so long as you didn't cover it with hearts or something like that. Make it an open ended gesture. let her wonder about it, rather than declare your intentions outright. Don't expect her to decide too soon, or you might do yourself a huge disservice, as often the default response when pushed too much is no, or friend zone, which is also no.

    P.p.s To make you laugh and feel a bit better, I used to carry around Jack of Hearts playing cards with my e-mail address on when I was 17, with the intention of handing them out shyly if I liked the look of some fair maiden. Not good. Not good at all, but hilariously funny in retrospect.
     
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    #8 Puck, Apr 26, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  9. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    It's time to get realistic:

    the only way you are going to meet her in the time you describe is to walk up to her and start speaking.

    Whether she accepts or rejects you at least you will know what could have been.
     
  10. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    The idea of making a mix tape for a girl and then handing it to her reminds me of every John Cusack movie I have ever seen. And that's great!
    Do it. Do it!




    Also, why are you leaving college at 17?
     
    #10 acd, Apr 27, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  11. 2understandme

    2understandme Regular Poster

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    mixtape is a great idea. i think if you strike up a conversation that may be helpful too...whether she thinks you are weird or not may depend on her personality (she may not be shy, she could have had a death in the family, for instance). personally i would be flattered, but in my younger years i would have been wary.
     
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  12. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    I think mixtape is ironic slang for mistake.
     
  13. OP
    Simon

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    You're right, no e-mail, no phone number, I'll just give her the CD. Do you think I should just wait and see if she speaks to me after that, or should I approach her, later, and ask if she liked it? I'm sorry, I'm asking questions which you most likely don't know the answer to, especially since you know nothing about her. I know it probably doesn't seem this way, especially after the way I've wrote this, but I'd be absolutely happy just being really good friends with her. I'm pretty lonely, I guess, it would be great just to have one really good friend, and if it could be her I'd be even happier, so no, I guess I'm not looking for a date as such, just a reason to talk to her more and get to know her. Yes, asking for a phone number would be really difficult for me, I don't know if I could do that, I've never done that in the past, ever. As you said, I'd feel a whole lot more comfortable speaking via e-mail, because that's really the only way I've got to know people really well in the past. I guess what I'd most like is to just be able to sit down in the park with her, and speak for hours, and really get to know her, but I can't possibly think of any way in wich that circumstance would come about. Haha, well, I guess this whole idea isn't wooing her in the traditional manner, but yes, I understand your point.

    That's okay then, it's nothing like that, just random cut-outs from magazines and whatnot. I guess most of the songs are there are appropriate, I just hope reads into the lyrics, otherwise all is lost.

    Ahah, that did make me feel a whole lot better actually, Thank you, and thank you for all your advice, everybody.

    ACD: I've probably confused you. In England, we call our equivilent of High-School, College. I'm one of the youngest in my school year, being born in August, so I leave this year, but don't turn 18 until summer break. I believe the girl I've spoken of is in the year below me.

    Speaking of which, I usually see her tomorrow, but I don't feel ready to do this yet. I carried the CD around in my bag today, but I never saw her. I think if I had of, I would have frozen up anyway.

    Flavus Aquila: Why do you say that? I'm not disagreeing with you at all, I just want to know why you believe I'm making a huge mistake. I guess I sort of already know I'm making a mistake by doing this, but music is the only way I can communicate right now.
     
  14. OP
    Simon

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    You're right, no e-mail, no phone number, I'll just give her the CD. Do you think I should just wait and see if she speaks to me after that, or should I approach her, later, and ask if she liked it? I'm sorry, I'm asking questions which you most likely don't know the answer to, especially since you know nothing about her. I know it probably doesn't seem this way, especially after the way I've wrote this, but I'd be absolutely happy just being really good friends with her. I'm pretty lonely, I guess, it would be great just to have one really good friend, and if it could be her I'd be even happier, so no, I guess I'm not looking for a date as such, just a reason to talk to her more and get to know her. Yes, asking for a phone number would be really difficult for me, I don't know if I could do that, I've never done that in the past, ever. As you said, I'd feel a whole lot more comfortable speaking via e-mail, because that's really the only way I've got to know people really well in the past. I guess what I'd most like is to just be able to sit down in the park with her, and speak for hours, and really get to know her, but I can't possibly think of any way in wich that circumstance would come about. Haha, well, I guess this whole idea isn't wooing her in the traditional manner, but yes, I understand your point.

    That's okay then, it's nothing like that, just random cut-outs from magazines and whatnot. I guess most of the songs are there are appropriate, I just hope reads into the lyrics, otherwise all is lost.

    Ahah, that did make me feel a whole lot better actually, Thank you, and thank you for all your advice, everybody.

    ACD: I've probably confused you. In England, we call our equivilent of High-School, College. I'm one of the youngest in my school year, being born in August, so I leave this year, but don't turn 18 until summer break. I believe the girl I've spoken of is in the year below me.

    Speaking of which, I usually see her tomorrow, but I don't feel ready to do this yet. I carried the CD around in my bag today, but I never saw her. I think if I had of, I would have frozen up anyway.

    Flavus Aquila: Why do you say that? I'm not disagreeing with you at all, I just want to know why you believe I'm making a huge mistake. I guess I sort of already know I'm making a mistake by doing this, but music is the only way I can communicate right now.
     
  15. the

    the Si master race.
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    for this reason alone, dont do it
     
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  16. kyo

    kyo Community Member

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    I think you are thinking too much about it :) Like myself, I always think too much about what will happen. Sometimes I just gotta do it, then see what will happen. It does not come naturally for infj's, but sometimes it's the way to go.

    If there are no downsides, why not just do it.
     
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  17. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    If you really want to be just friends with her, it just got a lot easier. You can relax a lot, because most people enjoy the possibility of a new friend, especially one such as you who seems genuine and would most likely really listen to them. You need to decide though, whether that's what you really want, because it's kinda hard to become a friend, and then to realign that friendship as something else. Sometimes it happens, sure, but more often than not, friends are safe ground, and platonic friendships have boundaries that are difficult to get over, and so if you tried to be her friend with the intention of later becoming more than friends, you may be disappointed.

    You mentioned about how you hope she reads into the lyrics of the songs you have compiled. I'm guessing those lyrics have a romantic theme. She might, I suppose, understand your meaning, but it's far easier, despite it seeming very hard if you're new to 'courting', to state your intentions clearly from the word go (bearing in mind what I said earlier about not rushing her for a decision). It doesn't have to be legendary, and I think the idea that it needs to be is what is causing you all the anxiety about it. You can just introduce yourself and start a conversation, but know in advance which way you want things to go, so that you can begin things on the right note. You may still end up being just friends, but if you hope for more, start with the possibility of romance, and aim for that, whilst being prepared to accept the possibility of 'just' friendship. Good luck, dude. I'll have my fingers crossed for you.
     
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    #17 Puck, Apr 28, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2010
  18. 88chaz88

    88chaz88 Back for a limited time only
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    Am I the only one here who thinks some random guy handing you a mixtape of romantic songs creepy and, well, stalker-ish?

    Just talk to her. That way you have more chance of getting in her pants then getting a restraining order.
     
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  19. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    ^ I agree with this. keep it simple :) maybe when you get to know her a little bit you can give her the tape, but don't do it straight away.
     
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