I always feel like there's a secret I'm unaware of in social situations

[OrangeLizzard]

I don’t know why but I never feel comfortable when I leave my house and step foot into the “real world”. For some reason I just feel I’m leaving my real self at home and whenever I step out I’m more guarded and not authentic. Because of this belief that the real me is at home, I just feel fake when I interact with strangers. I act friendly and do the basic “hello, how are you” and things like that but I’m just so lost and feel vulnerable on the inside yet on the outside I’m projecting this false persona. I hate it. I don’t feel sincere. People can pick up on that as well and I end up feeling embarrassed by my efforts.

But how can I be sincere when I’m so uncomfortable? When I talk to people and do these things it’s actually hard for me because by nature I’m more reserved and am the type to open up to people once I get to know them. I’m not the type of person who speaks comfortably with people I don’t know and the only way for me to do so is to put on my extrovert act otherwise I’ll come across more dry and give short answers to things. I don’t want to want to make people uncomfortable by letting them do all the work but I feel so insincere when I have to socialize and it is killing me.

All my friends and family do this so naturally it seems I’m the only one who feels like an alien. How can people reveal who they are to others so naturally and with such ease? I just feel more cautious with strangers and aware so I’m more careful and it comes across as awkward. I have no personality to show when I'm on guard.

Does anyone else feel this way and how do you navigate it?

 

[Wyote]

There are always secrets within social networks.
We hide things from ourselves, even.

What's important is your own strength in absorbing whatever can of worms you open.

 

[Ulla Lulla]

This resonates. I think my "feeling out of place" and social gracelessness are cousins of my perfectionism and high standards for life and the world. Interrogating these delusions has been beneficial.

 

[slant]

To me it sounds like you need to force yourself to take risks socially and open up. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust other people.

You will never feel connected with other people if you don't let your true feelings and thoughts be expressed. As scary as it is, the fear of rejection or of people using things against you, if you hide instead perhaps you won't get hurt but you won't feel connected either.

I had a bad upbringing that gave me trust issues and made me paranoid of the world. I would self-reflect and determine what the source of your feelings are, when it was you began to feel withdrawn and not comfortable interacting with the outside world.

Also try not to say things like "I'm a reserved person" or characterize your behavior as inherently who you are. Think of it that you are learning new skills. Instead of a person who is only themselves at home, think of it that you are comfortable at home and you are wanting to learn skills of how to become comfortable in the world outside your home which is totally possible. To me it sounds like you've identified patterns in yourself that you don't necessarily take pleasure in and you maybe want to make new patterns. That's super cool, and good luck on your journey!

 

[Anomalous]

I know this feeling well. There's a sense of fundamental exclusion. Of being disconnected from the source.

I think for most people, social expectations provide a sense of security because it relieves them of the pressure of having to take responsibility and therefore risk rejection. For the outsiders, the overlap of the personal and public is constricted and therefore fitting in requires a far greater compromise. It's one or the other. Be yourself and be isolated from others. Be like others and be isolated from yourself. Its very lonely either way.

I think the bubble of normalcy however is quite fragile. Throw in something unexpected and watch it all fall apart.

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

Though I don't subscribe to the social standard of faking it to make it this feeling and deep sense of knowing is impossible to shake that on some deeper level people are aware though the material mind isn't that one isn't cut from the same block so to speak so the interaction becomes awkward if not uncomfortable. I don't see this being type limited seeing how people are so easily isolated and just left out of life in general these days especially when it comes to relationships even though there is very little to nothing actually wrong with such persons however just being different from what is the norm in society pretty much disqualifies such from so many things that are so often taken for granted.

 

[aeon]

I would argue that because you can never be not yourself, it isn’t possible to be inauthentic. At all times, you are you, and only the chosen behaviors change. That said, I don’t question how you feel, and that you do not like it.

Consider too that your idea of who you are is actually inauthentic inasmuch as you cannot include those things you are unaware of, or are willfully blind to, that are part of your person as a whole. Given this, use your idea of your self as you like, but resist using it as a standard by which to judge yourself. That would neither be fair, nor compassionate to your person.

Have you considered that you may have social anxiety disorder? It’s worth considering if you haven’t already, and for the record, I‘m not a clinician, just a guy that used to have an anxiety disorder.

I absolutely change my presentation depending on my audience and environment. I am a certain way with my girlfriend, in which I allow myself just about anything, and then I have other ways for my roommate, his daughters, my friends, my doctors, service staff, and total strangers. Those ways necessarily have narrower ranges of expression and behavior, but in all cases, I am authentically my self...my intention is never to deceive or give false witness, but is meant to maintain relationships, facilitate social interaction, and not cause trouble for myself or others.

If you want to engage with people differently, do so. You are 100% in control of that choice. I can appreciate you wish to make things comfortable for others, but if the price is the lack of your own, it’s not a deal worth making. Remember, if they take issue with you being as you wish, that’s on them and their responsibility and problem. Try to find that balance point of sociability where you are comfortable and you aren’t sacrificing yourself.

Consider also that most people spend the majority of their time thinking about their self and their situations, not other people. My sense is that most people accept that other people differ, and perhaps they don’t like this or that, but they are not seeking to drag people to the gallows for being who they are.

Thinking you are different will serve to increase your feelings of alienation. Remember, you have far more in common with any other person than you have differences. Choosing to engage with others, as you wish to do it, achieves two things...first, you get better at what you purposefully practice. Second, you will desensitize yourself to social situations with more exposure to them, and so your degree of discomfort will lessen.

As for seeing other people do things with ease, grace even, that oneself has difficulty with, or is inept at, I will just say this. That is the story of my life because of my neurodivergence and the disability that results from ADHD. Took me years to figure out that I simply had to accept that, do the best I can, and also realize there are things I do with ease, take for granted even, that other people do not. I started to acknowledge those things, and not devalue them by default.

I want to say one more thing. Please go back and reread the post from @slant, because it is pure gold counsel.

Cheers,
Ian

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

While at work today thinking about this topic a particular song came to mind so decided to post it here.

 

[Sutol]

I don’t know why but I never feel comfortable when I leave my house and step foot into the “real world”. For some reason I just feel I’m leaving my real self at home and whenever I step out I’m more guarded and not authentic. Because of this belief that the real me is at home, I just feel fake when I interact with strangers. I act friendly and do the basic “hello, how are you” and things like that but I’m just so lost and feel vulnerable on the inside yet on the outside I’m projecting this false persona. I hate it. I don’t feel sincere. People can pick up on that as well and I end up feeling embarrassed by my efforts.

But how can I be sincere when I’m so uncomfortable? When I talk to people and do these things it’s actually hard for me because by nature I’m more reserved and am the type to open up to people once I get to know them. I’m not the type of person who speaks comfortably with people I don’t know and the only way for me to do so is to put on my extrovert act otherwise I’ll come across more dry and give short answers to things. I don’t want to want to make people uncomfortable by letting them do all the work but I feel so insincere when I have to socialize and it is killing me.

All my friends and family do this so naturally it seems I’m the only one who feels like an alien. How can people reveal who they are to others so naturally and with such ease? I just feel more cautious with strangers and aware so I’m more careful and it comes across as awkward. I have no personality to show when I'm on guard.

Does anyone else feel this way and how do you navigate it?

man… it was the part about feeling like you left yourself at home that really hit home for me.. I consistently think about being at home when I’m out. Almost obsessively. I’m still struggling with it myself, but know you’re definitely not alone

 

[Enso]

I guess my answer is a little bit abstract but.. everyone walks around in huge amounts of FEAR. There's nothing wrong with this but it is basically what the psyche is based upon during conception. Moments of laughter and openness are when people are not operating on fear, the problem is that getting to those moments is hard. One of the issues is that everyone else has conditioned themselves to believe that walking around in fear is normal. It is in no way normal, this is what you probably understand you step out the door and go and the reason why everyone else in the world is the way they are is that they've successfully conditioned themselves to accept fear and thus they are being inauthentic as a by-product - I personally refuse to do this and it's also delusional and based on a messed up culture. This is why INFJ's are actually leaders but often don't realise it, as the more open we are the more others open up; it's just incredibly hard to do as an INFJ because if people test you, you have to come down on them like a fucking hammer, but we don't like to do this because we're not assholes and so then you just get in a negative headspace thinking your an asshole.

 

[Wyote]

it's just incredibly hard to do as an INFJ because if people test you, you have to come down on them like a fucking hammer, but we don't like to do this because we're not assholes and so then you just get in a negative headspace thinking your an asshole.

 

[Pin]

I've learned that you should always host the event, that way it's not weird to talk to whoever you want.