[INFJ] - How weird am I in relationship ? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] How weird am I in relationship ?

SarahBS

SarahBS

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Apr 10, 2015
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Hello everyone

It's somehow hard to explain this but I guess I need to let it out and actually find an answer.

I've never had a serious relationship so far. When I was in my teen I used to be ignored at home and the society a lot so I tended to chat to different people occasionally and had 2 or 3 distant friendships ( or maybe relationship - don't truly know what they were! )

Not a kinda of person who can attracts guys in the work place or anywhere else I suppose.
Found a guy online 2 year ago, went to a date and couldn't continue the relationship cuz I couldn't trust him for I found him online!

The last one , as some of you may know , went awfully badly , still when I was with him I didn't want to take his hands.I wanted to be with him but i didn't want him to touch me!!

Now - I'm experiencing lots of feelings these days but being completely alone is the current one.Don't wanna talk to people much.(well I'm a teacher and I love the job there but outside that I wanna be left alone) - I don't wanna hear ppl's voices! but I can still chat cuz I'm used to it.


The thing is I still chat to different people.I wanted to know people around the world more so I had this application installed on my phone where you meet different people.
Guys ask me for a date but I don't just want to.I just don't wanna get things serious. like never.when thinking about going for a date I feel so uncomfortable.Thinking about marriage is even worse. aghhh I guess there's something wrong with me. just wanna meet someone with a couple of friends. or maybe I just wanna have someone around who can support me emotionally from a far- like chatting and stuff but not face to face.Don't wanna be hugged or touched at all.

What's this exactly? is it because I haven't found the one yet? I haven't had a serious relationship so far? or maybe it's accuse of that religious thought not to be touched by guys?
I'm not religious but the country is .am I effected by the idea? I feel I need to keep the distance, don't let anyone to cross the line.or is it because I'm so independence I can't be in a relationship?


What's this exactly?

P.S: I feel a lot of emotions toward the ones I love, lots of love and passionate desire.but when I'm near them I prevent any physical contacts.
 
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I don't think there is anything weird with not wanting to date for a while, but even so not all relationships start out as dates. I think there could be many reasons as of why you wouldn't like touch. Maybe you are afraid of getting hurt, and rather than allowing yourself to take the chance you tell yourself that it is nothing you desire.
 
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Elis said:
I don't think there is anything weird with not wanting to date for a while, but even so not all relationships start out as dates. I think there could be many reasons as of why you wouldn't like touch. Maybe you are afraid of getting hurt, and rather than allowing yourself to take the chance you tell yourself that it is nothing you desire.
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Thank you for reading all that :)
well, I don't like dates at all! I feel so uncomfortable and annoyed.
Oh I forgot to mention that I cannot get over people easily so that's one of the reasons I don't want to go for a date or take someone hands in order not to make any memories...
oh well, I think I'm scared of being hurt and for that I will never give anyone any chance ...
 
Maybe you are asexual? Perhaps try specifically stating this in dating profiles and looking for people who are also asexual?
 
PintoBean said:
Maybe you are asexual? Perhaps try specifically stating this in dating profiles and looking for people who are also asexual?
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Well I don't know.I have feelings anyway.I can talk about it my desire in chats but I cannot really do them.Haven't been in a relationship long enough to know if I can
 
From what I've seen, not wanting to be touched can be related to poor body image (not being comfortable with your body so not feeling right about other people touching you). I have no idea if that's what this is, but I've seen that as being the case for other people. It could just as easily be a subconscious need for distance. I definitely don't think there is anything wrong with you, and except for the fact that it is bothering you, I don't think it's a problem. I do think it could cause problems in a future relationship, but if the person is right for you it will probably work out regardless. Everyone is different so maybe you just have a natural inclination towards wanting physical space from others. Or maybe you just haven't met someone you feel comfortable enough with yet. You mentioned that your country's general religious standards look down on physical contact which probably has had a great effect on you.

You might be putting too much importance/emphasis on having a relationship. If you can't be happy outside of a relationship, I'm not so sure you can be happy in one (problems are still going to be there). Not that I'm very qualified to give advice, but you should really avoid looking for a guy to heal, save, fix, or make you whole. I understand the want for a relationship, just don't expect it to make your entire existence perfect. I don't know; take it with a grain of salt.
 
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All this bullshit we are fed about relationships and how they are supposed to happen - don't listen to any of it. Only you can determine what you want and how you want it.

I'm not the dating type either, dates are fucking awful. Just be up front with whoever you are hanging out with. If it's a guy though, you generally have to be very specific and clear about your feelings. If you don't want touching say so. If your feelings about that change at some point, say so.

You are not unusual. It's a spectrum and differently felt and approached by every individual. That's what makes it tough, not that many sync up to your own needs and ideas.
 
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INFJ16 said:
You might be putting too much importance/emphasis on having a relationship. If you can't be happy outside of a relationship, I'm not so sure you can be happy in one (problems are still going to be there). Not that I'm very qualified to give advice, but you should really avoid looking for a guy to heal, save, fix, or make you whole. I understand the want for a relationship, just don't expect it to make your entire existence perfect. I don't know; take it with a grain of salt.
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well I didn't want to think about it. I've been through a lot lately.broke up with my best friend and quite my job and lost a friend so I felt so alone I needed to do something and that chat app was the idea and I'm beginning to be better , loving my own company , but there's this guy I feel differently about.

Now from the look of it it seems that I'm running from that last relationship to him and I feel I'm not supposed to do this and I need to be alone for more that this and that I'm not supposed to find sb this soon and stuff
That's why I thought about relationships and I felt like I don't need one but he's still somewhere there on my mind
 
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Wyote said:
All this bullshit we are fed about relationships and how they are supposed to happen - don't listen to any of it. Only you can determine what you want and how you want it.
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Thanks a lot for the advice
 
SarahBS said:
well I didn't want to think about it. I've been through a lot lately.broke up with my best friend and quite my job and lost a friend so I felt so alone I needed to do something and that chat app was the idea and I'm beginning to be better , loving my own company , but there's this guy I feel differently about.

Now the thing is I feel I'm running from that last relationship to him and I feel I'm not supposed to do this and I need to be alone for more that this and that I'm not supposed to find sb this soon and stuff
That's why I thought about relationships and I felt like I don't need one but he's still somewhere there on my mind
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Sounds rough. :(

Whatever you decide, be thoughtful and deliberate about it.
 
About not wanting to touch.

Are you scared?
Do you actually fear touch? Are you afraid that someone will try to hug you?

Or are you indifferent?
Do you don't really care about touching? Do you dislike it if someone touches you, but you don't mind it that much?
 
Actually, I understand where you are coming from. I don't like to be touched, either. If someone touches me and I don't trust them, I recoil. I am not a casual toucher. It means something to me.

I think you just haven't found someone you trust and like enough. You said you have desire, so that's not the issue. Trust yourself. When you find the right person, you will want to be touched and to touch.
 
[MENTION=13542]SarahBS[/MENTION] I don't know what to tell you other than I agree with the advice of others... and you aren't alone. I am feeling a little bit similarly myself when it comes to dating right now.

All in all it doesn't matter. Somehow you will figure out a way to be happy. Figure out a way to do that just with yourself and your friends first. That will then give you the extra energy and motivation, and stability in life which is necessary for "more" in the form of making a romantic relationship work. You will give and take a little and it will all fall into place.
 
Erlian said:
About not wanting to touch.

Are you scared?
Do you actually fear touch? Are you afraid that someone will try to hug you?

Or are you indifferent?
Do you don't really care about touching? Do you dislike it if someone touches you, but you don't mind it that much?
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the first one.I'm afraid of it
 
[MENTION=11884]INFJ16[/MENTION] [MENTION=3998]niffer[/MENTION] [MENTION=12050]Superlative[/MENTION] thank you all :)
 
I feel that a lot also. That fear of getting too close to people because of fear of rejection or getting hurt. I still put myself out there but it can take up to a year to recover. I kind of border between INTJ and INFJ and with that I get all the stubbornness towards others behavior and rationality as an INFJ and also the curt, direct manner of speaking that an INTJ has which obviously, is more than a bit off-putting lol. I can goes years single. I don't love that but here we are.
 
SarahBS said:
I think the most important factor is that I want to be with someone who commits and stays with me.and as long as I'm not sure about that the fear remains.
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That is probably the most difficult thing about relationships. There is NEVER certainty. At some point it's possible to feel some sense of certainty but if you aren't comfortable with the idea that things could all be over in the next hour, you're gonna have a heck of a time being a nervous wreck. Relationships are just as uncertain as life and it's a very uncomfortable realisation. Sure you can tip things in your favor, and you can find somebody that is highly trustworthy, but circumstances are always in flux.
 
SarahBS said:
I think the most important factor is that I want to be with someone who commits and stays with me and as long as I'm not sure about that the fear remains.
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That just means that the guys you have been with were not the right guy. So even when you eventually meet the right guy, you might not be sure it's someone who will commit and stay with you. Therefore I think it is better if you just *try*. It is oke if you are physical with a guy who is not the true and eventual guy. I understand your choice to not be physical, I truely do. But don't be afraid to be physical. It doesn't do as much harm as you might think.


Disclaimer: I'm really really drunk right now. I had to correct so much errors....... (add more dots to reflect drunkness)
 
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