How to stop personally relating to everything?!

[jupiterswoon]

My partner and I, as well as close friends have noticed that every time there is a conversation about anything, or a movie, or a topic of interest in general that I always interject and moralize whatever it is that is going on or that we are talking about. If its a movie dealing with race- I interject my personal experiences with race, if its about relationships or marriage or children I interject with my personal opinions and feelings and experiences. It has gotten to the point where my partner actively watches movies without me- just to avoid these interjections. Do you out there have problems with this? And if so, how do you deal or how have you dealt with it?

I tend to take any context as this form of having something to do with me, and interrelating it- perhaps because I see the interconnectedness. I tend to see these things as signs that are somehow related- and it tends to come off as narcissistic. I once told my boyfriend that all of our friends are aspects of ourselves- or that when he was working on a problem, I saw it mirrored in his friend. This is just one example...

I know there are some things that don't require my own moralization, but how do I curb these responses? I know I'm not the moral voice for everything, but I sure as damn act like I am. I'm just tired of watching people secretly roll their eyes.... I have been working on becoming more of a left brained thinker and using my objective reasoning, but whenever narrative stories come up I always take the role of the moralizer. How do I make it stop? Do you think it's just because I don't have anything else to talk about? And maybe I'm boring- so I just take one story about Bonobo monkeys and turn it into a whole speech on polygamist free radical mormons and the pros and cons of communal living, and the reality of monogamy and my personal experiences with my parents divorce, etc, etc... How do I make this stop before moralize everybody to death?

 

[Soulful]

Do you do this because you feel somehow impelled to "teach" others or feel a need to be needed? Or do you experience the desire/need to 'save' others? (saviour complex?)

To be honest, I'm not sure why you'd place yourself at the centre of narratives. You probably know that each person's life experience tends to be terribly minimal relative to the vastness of the context that situations can take on, so the fact that you do so suggests to me that it either comforts you in some way, or serves/nourishes an aim or belief you hold.

 

[barbad0s]

You being able to admit to this and wanting to tackle the problem is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard an INFJ say. :lol: Not all the INFx's that I deal with IRL are like this, but as for the ones that are, this is probably the #1 reason for friends thinking that the INFx is batshit/anal.

Does this facet of your behaviour bother you personally, or is it just the fact that it's bizarre and socially unacceptable that makes you want to change it?

 

[jupiterswoon]

In response to Soulful, I have already dealt pretty extensively with the whole savior/teacher bull, and really refuse to take on those roles now. I've been burned way too many times, and I've realized that nobody wants that- people want a friend, people don't want a savior.

In response to Niffer, I hope it doesn't come off as batshit- perhaps more anal... I don't think it's totally intolerable, but I think it's repetitive and unnecessary. I hope I didn't misrepresent myself. I am pretty socially aware- it's with closer friends, especially my intimate partner that I turn to this role. I want to stop repeating this behavior because if I was hanging out with me I'd find it annoying, not because of external influences.

I think it has more to do with my feelings of interconnectedness- as well as my Fe mixed with Judging- that creates this desire to talk about these things that I see as relevant in a moralizing fashion. I just had a eureka moment- maybe it's because I don't have extraverted people around to goad the conversation, and because of that I talk about these things I'm very passionate/moral about that I've built a big foundation around and have thought a lot about. It tends to be certain topics that trigger it. Typically relationships/sexuality and then behavior- when behavior is acceptable and when it is not. I think that upon really uncovering the grey area of life, I've had to readjust my understanding of what is "acceptable" and what is not. Now, just to focus on how to curb/change the behavior.

That's what I was really interested in when I posted this topic- INFJs with similar behaviors that were able to change the habit. I think after reading your responses it made me think more about why this was happening. I think I'm just trying to clarify my own inner patchwork of grey/black&white. I like being able to talk out loud about these subjects as I try to understand them.

It's funny, I really have an understanding of how other people work, but I don't understand basic reasons for why I do the things I do.

 

[Sai]

i think you should really try to grasp the idea of "let do and let die"

let people live their own stuff and learn by their own mistakes and experiences. even if you might be right about them just keep it to yourself.

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

My partner and I, as well as close friends have noticed that every time there is a conversation about anything, or a movie, or a topic of interest in general that I always interject and moralize whatever it is that is going on or that we are talking about. If its a movie dealing with race- I interject my personal experiences with race, if its about relationships or marriage or children I interject with my personal opinions and feelings and experiences. It has gotten to the point where my partner actively watches movies without me- just to avoid these interjections. Do you out there have problems with this? And if so, how do you deal or how have you dealt with it?

I tend to take any context as this form of having something to do with me, and interrelating it- perhaps because I see the interconnectedness. I tend to see these things as signs that are somehow related- and it tends to come off as narcissistic. I once told my boyfriend that all of our friends are aspects of ourselves- or that when he was working on a problem, I saw it mirrored in his friend. This is just one example...

I know there are some things that don't require my own moralization, but how do I curb these responses? I know I'm not the moral voice for everything, but I sure as damn act like I am. I'm just tired of watching people secretly roll their eyes.... I have been working on becoming more of a left brained thinker and using my objective reasoning, but whenever narrative stories come up I always take the role of the moralizer. How do I make it stop? Do you think it's just because I don't have anything else to talk about? And maybe I'm boring- so I just take one story about Bonobo monkeys and turn it into a whole speech on polygamist free radical mormons and the pros and cons of communal living, and the reality of monogamy and my personal experiences with my parents divorce, etc, etc... How do I make this stop before moralize everybody to death?

I have a problem with this as well. It can be misinterpreted as being self-centered by others who don't process information the same way as you. I'm not an expert at MBTI but I have done personal reflecting to decipher why I tend to make a moral statements about everything or constantly tie things to my own past. I think it has a lot to do with being a strong introverted intuitive. Which means someone can make a simple observation and you will process it by looking inwards for patterns, generalizations, comparisons, past experiences, etc. Processing information in this manner feels good to you because it helps you answer "why" things are happening around you. The "why" is very important to INFJ's. Naturally you feel the need to verbalize your conclusions.

Here is a video of a woman talking about your exact experience. She talks about how sometimes we just have to limit our verbalization of our conclusions because they are constantly going off in our mind. And nobody wants to hear our conclusions all the time. Also never stop verbalizing your conclusions completely because that is a big part of what makes INFJ's such beautiful people, we are smart people and our opinions are important. Here's the vid:

[video=youtube;LKz5zSopIeE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKz5zSopIeE&feature=relmfu[/video]

 

[jupiterswoon]

Haha, that's funny, I was just watching her. She's great, very honest and if she refined her statements and brought things a little back down to earth I think she would be more of a powerhouse.

That's the funny thing about all of this, because I am not self-centered, I am very concerned with other people. I actually don't like to talk about myself, I just like to talk about things I am passionate about.

 

[lifeintheshoesofa___]

How do I make it stop? Do you think it's just because I don't have anything else to talk about? And maybe I'm boring- so I just take one story about Bonobo monkeys and turn it into a whole speech on polygamist free radical mormons and the pros and cons of communal living, and the reality of monogamy and my personal experiences with my parents divorce, etc, etc...

Jesus, this sounds like me. I once wanted to do an entire painting series based off bonobo monkeys because at the time it had this relevance to what i was experiencing in my life.

i think we just like to relate to people. I've been told I was narcissictic and i was always offended. I just don't know how to relate to people in conversation, so naturally, i reflect on moments that realte to them to say "hey! I can relate!".

I think [MENTION=5375]chulo[/MENTION] has pinned it quite well "I have a problem with this as well. It can be misinterpreted as being self-centered by others who don't process information the same way as you. I'm not an expert at MBTI but I have done personal reflecting to decipher why I tend to make a moral statements about everything or constantly tie things to my own past. I think it has a lot to do with being a strong introverted intuitive. Which means someone can make a simple observation and you will process it by looking inwards for patterns, generalizations, comparisons, past experiences, etc. Processing information in this manner feels good to you because it helps you answer "why" things are happening around you. The "why" is very important to INFJ's. Naturally you feel the need to verbalize your conclusions."

 

[lifeintheshoesofa___]

From my experience, it's not that i want to change anyone. I just want to relate to them. I don't know if [MENTION=5301]jupiterswoon[/MENTION] was referring to wanting to instruct people on how to change, more just how to stop relating to them via a personal story.

 

[lifeintheshoesofa___]

It's helped me to stop myself before i say something, and ask "is this relevant? will this help the conversation to grow? can I word this differently to make it not about ME but rather about the story at hand?"

I feel it's beautiful, and a curse, to see all sides at once. Sometimes i feel that maybe my thought is better left for me to analyze and ponder than to let it out.

moralize (verb)
Comment on issues of right and wrong, typically with an unfounded air of superiority.
Interpret or explain as giving lessons on good and bad character and conduct.

Ask yourself before you speak....is lesson needed to be taught at this moment, or is this a lesson i should learn within?

 

[jupiterswoon]

From my experience, it's not that i want to change anyone. I just want to relate to them. I don't know if [MENTION=5301]jupiterswoon[/MENTION] was referring to wanting to instruct people on how to change, more just how to stop relating to them via a personal story.

Lifeintheshoesofa- you totally got it with the second part, I always relate personal stories. You have pretty good advice though, just stop for a moment and consider if the story is relevant.

 

[jupiterswoon]

It's helped me to stop myself before i say something, and ask "is this relevant? will this help the conversation to grow? can I word this differently to make it not about ME but rather about the story at hand?"

I feel it's beautiful, and a curse, to see all sides at once. Sometimes i feel that maybe my thought is better left for me to analyze and ponder than to let it out.

moralize (verb)
Comment on issues of right and wrong, typically with an unfounded air of superiority.
Interpret or explain as giving lessons on good and bad character and conduct.

Ask yourself before you speak....is lesson needed to be taught at this moment, or is this a lesson i should learn within?

This is a perfect description- I think I might have misused the word moralize though, it's not as though I am using an "unfounded air of superiority" but I go back and forth with personal stories intermingled with what I think is good and bad about whatever subjective situation we are talking about.

 

[the]

I admire that you are able to realize that you can better yourself and not to accept this problem as "Thats just me I gotta be true to myself."

 

[knight in battle]

I know there are some things that don't require my own moralization, but how do I curb these responses? I know I'm not the moral voice for everything, but I sure as damn act like I am. I'm just tired of watching people secretly roll their eyes....

I have a tendency to believe that it would not be possible to quit the moralizing until you discover the reasons why you're moralizing. Is it because you need to be correct? Is it because you feel insecure unless ideas are polarized into pro-and-con categories?

Perhaps it is necessary to write out how you would respond to people if you did not moralize their ideas. Would you ask questions instead? Would you introduce humor?