[INFJ] - How to let go of someone? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] How to let go of someone?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by TheFool, Jan 4, 2019.

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  1. TheFool

    TheFool Regular Poster

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    Hello fellow INFJs!

    I’m sure that most of the INFJs here have struggled or are struggling with their broken heart, just like myself. Since we all know how fucking debilitating a break-up can be for an INFJ and how precious the feeling is to finally be able to let go of our past lovers, I thought we could share our best advices to those who are wandering in the dark valley of reasoning, idolization and self-undoing.

    These are my own reminders.

    1. Cut all the cords, including ghosting.
    2. Abandon all hope.
    3. Stop visioning how it was, how it could have be and how it might be.
    4. Ask yourself, was I dedicated into the relationship as if it would have been the one for the rest of my life, even with the faults?
    5. Since you never do things half-heartedly, why would you ever be content with someone who did not share the same passion, the same willingness to adapt and the same eagerness to learn to know what truly makes you happy?
    6. Be brutal honest to yourself and loyal to your intuition, even though it might feel cold as it cuts through your love for daydreaming and idealization.
    7. You will meet many possible partners but make sure that the next one is truly worthy of your love and dedication.

    You are a precious and wonderous being. Don’t waste yourself for the unworthy!

    <3 <3 <3
     
  2. Ginny

    Ginny Displaced Naiad

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    Start being happy for yourself. Your happiness cannot come from other people or you will always be defined by their opinion of you and that is not being true to yourself. Be content with who you are, and learn what your way is. You needn't see the end, but at least where you are going. Be grateful, and start seeing everyone around you for who they are. They are just like you - human.
     
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  3. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I think that the romantic mind-set causes us so much trouble. We've got all of these crazy expectations in our heads. Don't bullshit yourself INFJs. Evaluate whether or not your habits benefit you.
     
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  4. Hostarius

    Hostarius Scooby Doo Villain of Fate

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    The NTJs have spoken.

    What you want to do is, right from the start of the relationship, visualise how you would break up with them and what it might take to get you to that point. Insist upon a core set of boundaries in your mind and stick to them. Divest yourself of all fear of the relationship ending.

    Then, when you are plausibly indifferent, and you are sure that the other person is a good egg and worth the effort, commit to it with all your being.
     
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  5. Sandie33

    Sandie33 Love Often & Absolutely ♡
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    Agreement 1 workable
    Agreement 2 undesirable, but workable
    Agreement 3 deal breaker
    Be upfront and speak your own truth, agree to disagree where plausible
    All humans make misteps
     
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  6. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    1) Laugh at the infinite void that is your innate need to procreate
    2) Jokingly shake your fist at your own inability to create a positive outcome from the experience
    3) ???
    4) Profit!!!

    *at some point make sure to have a good cry on the bathroom floor, you big dumb baby
     
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  7. Milktoast Bandit

    Milktoast Bandit Reality... Sometimes, it's real.

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    Acceptance. There is no was or could be. Only is. If it is shit. Then, shit it is.

    Also, profit!
     
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  8. OP
    TheFool

    TheFool Regular Poster

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    Do you think those ideas are expectations or us imagining the potential how things could be?

    I can see when the person is never going to “reach” their potential that I have created for them and yet I never give up on that dream. But instead of staying in the relationship I end it nowadays. It still hurts but it is better to face the facts as they are.

    I guess we need to work on our Se and listen to the intuition that tells us when it is time to give up, even though our hearts still hang on that dream..
     
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  9. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    Recognize the battle between emotion and logic.
    Be good to yourself.
    Don't act on emotion.

    Remember this:
    It feels fantastic to get over somebody who hurt you. If they return, groveling for your attention because they never planned on you getting over them, do not give them attention.
     
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  10. OP
    TheFool

    TheFool Regular Poster

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    Not acting on an emotion is so hard, especially when people get under your skin..
     
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  11. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    It is so hard. Easier said than done when you're saturated with emotion, but reflecting on how embarrassing it is when you let emotions take control helps reel them in. :(
    I'm not sure this control is possible, though, if you fall into the grip.
     
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  12. OP
    TheFool

    TheFool Regular Poster

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    Have you noticed the difference with people you have had intimate sex and those who you have not?

    For me the emotions are not a problem if I am not intimately connected with the person. But once I truly become intimate with them, it seems that both me and the partner become far more vulnerable to other’s comments.

    It is like a double egded sword covered in honey.. You know it will eventually cut you but you just want to taste that sweetness.
     
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  13. Roses In The Vineyard

    Roses In The Vineyard Community Member

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    I avoid this by not getting involved in the first place, have seen enough in my years already to know that it is just not worth it and to watch others put themselves though all this is sobering.
     
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  14. sassafras

    sassafras the pizza avenger

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    Visualize a slice of pizza.

    Start by visualizing this slice of pizza as the cheesiest, yummiest, most scrumptious thing you could ever desire, with all the fixings that make it your perfect indulgence.

    Now visualize this same slice of pizza as infested with maggots and fungus and make it so this same delicious slice that made your mouth water a second ago wants to make you vomit now.

    Which one do you want in your life and which one do you want to stay the fuck away from you and your family and your friends and throw into the trash where it belongs?

    You can do this same exact exercise with humans. Your mind is a powerful thing. There's a reason you don't want this person in your life. Focus on the negatives. Make them disgusting. Make them so disgusting you feel cleansed and relieved and born anew for having gotten rid of them.

    Is it fair? Dunno. If you're having a hard time letting go even though you know you should, you're probably not seeing them fairly now either. You might be hallucinating a heavenly slice of pepperoni when they're really just a stinky block of cheese. Focus on forcing them out of your life because that's the goal. You can re-assess your decisions later after the trash man has taken them away and given you some distance. Make 'em disgusting to you first.

    Really, REALLY disgusting.

    As many posters have pointed out above, emotions are way more powerful than rational thought, and often erode rational thought. You can't court emotions with logic. You got to fight fire with fire. Emotions with emotions. Take back control of your feelings and make them serve you. (This is no coincidence that this exact method is a reprint of what your fellow XXTJ/TP's do)

    Make the disgust as visceral as possible and you'll be over it before you know it.
     
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    #14 sassafras, Jan 6, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2019
  15. MINFJToothFairy

    MINFJToothFairy Community Member

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    Cut all cords is accurate, but how do you move on from someone whom you think relies on your presence? It's easy to leave when you know it does them well. It's hard when you know it will break them. So my dear, INFJs, what do we do then?

    Convince ourselves that they don't need us at all. Because they don't. If the relationship was dysfunctional enough to get to a failure, then it's best to move on. How do we put ourselves first?

    How do INFJs put themselves first?
     
  16. Hostarius

    Hostarius Scooby Doo Villain of Fate

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    This works, but sometimes there are powerful countervailing factors that can't be so easily cast aside. Sometimes your life is not about you.
     
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  17. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    As time goes on, I find myself being less giving with romance. I'm very lazy in this regard now. I used to think up all of these elaborate ways to ask women out, but now I just get to the point.

    If someone's not feeling you, you've just got to drop them like a...

    Something you drop.
     
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  18. sassafras

    sassafras the pizza avenger

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    You recognize your white knight tendencies and understand that if someone doesn't actually need you, they don't need you; the reason you might be drawn to them regardless is because you get a nice little ego boost from being depended on and needed.

    Refocus your energies elsewhere. Go volunteer, read a book, set a new goal and every time that person pops into mind, replace them with this new focus immediately. After a while, you'll forget the person and have moved on
     
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  19. MINFJToothFairy

    MINFJToothFairy Community Member

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    That came with a resounding thunder.

    "White knight tendencies" is accurate. Sometimes we have this ego boost where we think we're needed but maybe we really are not. My shrink did tell me that i have resounding issues with self worth, which is probably why I attract clingy individuals that need validation because validating them is how i validate myself. These are some serious shrinky stuff out here... Hahaha
     
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  20. Sandie33

    Sandie33 Love Often & Absolutely ♡
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    No failure, a learning expierence.
    Firstly, we don't. We keep trying to find the way to a solution of a problem that is not our own. Accepting that though we deeply want to, we cannot fix another person. Accepting that we understand, love and care deeply for them, and take responsibility for our part in the ending of the relationship, we let go in love...it is because we love them that we cut ties in hopes that they find their way to what or who will provide the path to happiness. We enter relationships in love, and we all should learn to exit them in in the same manner. With this it means truely letting go. No going back to peek into their life and check to see if they are doing OK without us.

    Secondly, accepting that it is healthy to put ourself first. Ocassionally we have to pour all the Fe into ourself to regain a sense of balance so as not to fill up the cup of resentment and anger that comes with giving too much. Instead, we give to ourself the things we would offer another, and we become stronger for it. In this new power of strength we are able to share with the other and not empty our cup of love and compassion. Thus, we are able to love in a more healthy way for all involved.
     
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